Part Fifteen

 

 

“It’s gonna be okay.”

 

How many times Brian had heard those words from Aj’s lips? Too many times but, yet, they still didn’t mean nothing, seen that something always happened when he started to believe them. Right now, okay was just an empty word, a promise deprived of the hope that something good would come out from this.

 

Still, lying so snuggled up beside Aj, Brian felt safer. The fear had been pushed in a corner and, looking from that position, it seemed like so small and frail: dread about being infected and to infect someone else; terror about being held captive by a man who didn’t seem to have reins when it came to prove his point. Inside Aj’s arms, Brian knew he could raise up again, stronger than before. It was when he wasn’t near Aj that everything went downhill, rumbling down so fast that made every efforts to stop it so useless.

 

Like the night before, that nightmare that still lingered in the back of his mind. But... it wasn’t only a representation of his subconscious, no, it was like a presage of what had happened. He knew that Aj wouldn’t deliberately used drug again, especially not after what he told him in the aftermath of his attempted suicide. So, the only solution possible was that someone drugged him, framed him so everyone would know that nothing had changed, that Aj was still the same person he was long ago. But why?

 

“Shh, sleep. You can worry after.”

 

Sleep. That sounded so tempting but... they were wasting time! He didn’t like how passive he had been in the past days, how much he had rely on Aj’s strong hold that now that he was seeing him weaker, stripped down of some layers of armor, he felt... well, he didn’t know exactly what he was feeling, it was a combination of being totally stranded away – because if Aj couldn’t help him, who would take his place? – and a sprung of strengths coming from some place he didn’t know he still held inside.

 

Now he knew how to read the signs, from the shivers travelling up and down the body underneath him to the elaborated breath. He knew that his mind was trying to face the newer craving, after being deprived by that heavenly drug for so long. What he didn’t know was what he could do to help Alex since it was partially his fault.

 

“If you want to help, then go to sleep and let me do all the worry, hon.”

 

It was like Aj was inside his mind, like he could hear what he was thinking. Maybe it was because he was so easy to read in that moment or maybe it was because Aj seemed to be so perceptive about what he needed all the time and... Brian wanted to believe that this was something that Aj did only for him. He never felt less scared to let himself over someone’s else hand. Unconsciously, he shifted himself closer, tentatively placing one of his hand upon Aj’s knee. Just like a reflex, Aj’s hand, the one that wasn’t still running though his hair, clenched around his fingers, a soft squeeze that was telling him I’ve got you, you’re safe, let yourself go.

 

And that he did, sighing and feeling, for the first time, completely relaxed.

 

Aj waited until the steady breathing told him that Brian was finally asleep. He removed one of the blankets he had around him and tucked it around the man curled up in his lap. Brian murmured a tiny sleepily protest at the suddenly stop of stroking but a few hushes brought him back under the darkness.

 

He didn’t know how long he stayed there, sat on a couch while the bus travelled roads he knew by heart, just listening to the sound of Brian’s breathing. Too much was on his mind to try to give in the sleep was so tempting calling him but, for now, those things were running too fast for him to take one and analyze it.

 

Because, among everything, the man he was holding was the only thing he could think of. By now, he should have been used to Brian shocking him and yet, once again, the older had managed to catch him by surprise. He had the right to be mad, he had the right to think that he had fucked up once more. Instead, when he had jumped on the bus, the only emotion he had recognize in those blue pools were concern.

 

He had been afraid about his reaction, although he knew it was a silly fear after all him and Brian had been through in those last days. Much bigger pain was the apprehension that he had let Brian down the first time he took courage and asked for help. But then... then Brian surprised him forgetting about his problems and worrying about him: for a moment, it seemed like everything was back to normal, how they were supposed to be, with Brian caring and him the subject of it.

 

You amaze me, you know? Aj thought, looking down on Brian. The way you keep think about others instead of thinking about you. But now, more than ever, it’s your time to be selfish. It’s your time to stop and focus on getting better because it would shattered me if something happens to you.

 

There was too much on his shoulders, weights that seemed to drag him underground but Brian was fighting, even though it didn’t seemed to him. And that... that was the right push for him to fight his own problems, those cravings brought back forcedly to life after being drugged and the will to fight the endless need to be high enough to forget everything.

 

His trail of thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. Shocked, he realized that the bus had made the second stop of its travel and that meant that were left only few hours of travelling.

 

“Jay? You awake?” Kevin appeared on the doorstep with a bag in one hand and a cardboard tray with three cups still steaming.

 

“Yeah.” He replied softly, hoping that the older would catch the fact that Brian was sleeping against him. And Kevin did, a warm smile appearing on his face as he saw his cousin finally dead to the world. He looked so worn out that morning that Kevin had wanted to do whatever was needed to make him going to sleep. He should have known that Aj was the right answer to his prayers.

 

He took his time to put the bag on the kitchen counter, along with the cups.

 

Aj was the first one to break the uncomfortable silence. “I guess Howie or Nick told you about what happened.”

 

“Why don’t you tell me your side?”

 

“I don’t think it will change your mind.”

 

“You don’t know what I’m thinking.”

 

“Doesn’t take a scientist.”

 

Kevin didn’t reply immediately. He took two cups and brought them to where Brian and Aj were sitting. After handing one cup to Aj, he took the sofa on the other side and sat down. Other minutes of silence passed before Kevin would spoke up.

 

“If you want to know, I’m disappointed. But not because you were high. I’m disappointed because you hide it from me. I’m disappointed because you thought that I was going to be mad at you for something that you didn’t do.”

 

“You... you...” Aj stuttered, suddenly he couldn’t form any reply.

 

“Do you think that after all that I told you I would think that you deliberately got drugged when Brian depended so much on you?”

 

The point was that Kevin didn’t need to scream to make people feeling smaller and the biggest idiot of the world. He maintained a low voice but the light in his eyes was speaking with a much louder voice.

 

Irritation began to make its way inside Aj’s veins, swimming along his blood: in another time, in another place, he would have jumped on his feet and fought with Kevin. But Brian prevented him in doing that and, in a way, he was grateful about it.

 

So, he just lowered his eyes and muttered a simple I’m sorry.

 

“Are you okay?” Kevin asked. “Do you need... I don’t know... to call someone? Do you need me to check if there is a center or something?”

 

“Calm down, Kevin!” Aj snapped, although it was good to have Kevin worried about him instead than pissed. And, in that moment, he understood why Brian was always so reluctant to let his cousin know about his problems. “The worst is gone. And, as soon as we get to the hotel, I’ll try to call my therapist. I won’t fall back, you have to trust me on that.”

 

“I trust you, Jay. But, if you need to have some time off...”

 

“It’s not me who needs it.”

 

“I know. And I’m working on it. It’s been all morning that I’m trying to find a compromise with management. We have to wait another week for a break but I don’t think Brian can holding on until then.”

 

Tightening up the blanket around Brian, Aj could only nodded. “I’ve been trying to tell him that he needs to focus on himself but it didn’t work.”

 

“He’s stubborn. That’s why you have to work on the sides.” Kevin answered with a grin. “But, we might be lucky this time. With the news of the murder, management is kinda scared that something could happen at one of our show. So, they’re more willing to postpone some of the dates to calm down the waters a little bit.”

 

“How many days?”

 

“For now, three. I told them that Brian is a little “upset” about this story. If Brian wants to tell them the truth is up to him. Until then, we can use illness and upsetting as alibi.”

 

“It can’t work forever, you know? Especially if...” Aj stopped himself before finishing what he was saying. It was a scary thought and, maybe, he was overstating the facts but what happened to him couldn’t be brushed off as a simple coincidence.

 

“If what?”

 

Aj didn’t pay attention to Kevin as he tried to think about the whole scheme. There was no doubt that the man that raped Brian was the same guy who had killed that guy, especially because of the word craved into his skin. Mine. That meant only one thing and that was that he wanted Brian for only himself. Looking at that way, that man had to be the one slipping the drug.

 

“Jay, please, tell me that you aren’t thinking that...”

 

“Yes. They had to be the same person. Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense.”

 

Kevin got up and started pacing, which made Aj smiling despite the seriousness of the situation: Brian did the same thing when he was worried or angry.

 

“This is crazy!” Kevin exclaimed, rising a little the tone. Although still sleeping, Brian reacted snuggling closer to Aj, like he was trying to hide.

 

“Kevin.” Aj hissed.

 

The older noticed the slight tremors of the blanket around Brian. “Sorry. But...”

 

“I know, I know. We’ll ask for a closer security, especially around Brian.”

 

“And around you too. If he’s following us, he must see you as a obstacle to get his prize since you are the one who spend most of the time around Brian.”

 

Aj didn’t bother to answer that, it seemed unnecessary. “We won’t leave Brian alone. If I can’t be with him, one of you has to be there.”

 

Kevin nodded. “And I bet he doesn’t have to know, right?”

 

Aj stayed silent for a minute, trying to find the right answer. He promised Brian to always tell him the truth because that was the only way to deal with the situation but this... this wasn’t something he could deal with. Knowing Brian, he would put down his foot about being watched over like a little child. But they couldn’t take that chance, this was much bigger than what they originally thought and Aj knew, deep inside, that it would be long before Brian could only focus on healing.

 

I won’t let anything happen to you.

 

_______________________________

 

The show had just finished and Brian was walking towards his dressing room when the first wave of dizziness hit him. He stopped, closing his eyes and leaning heavily against the wall, waiting for the world to stop dancing around him like it was performing on stage one of their most up-tempo song. The adrenaline coming from the show had worn off and had left him feeling so drained that he didn’t even care about getting in his dressing room and take a shower, he just wanted to crawl in his bed and sleep until he could feel human again.

 

Not that he would have let Kevin cancel another concert, performing was the only thing, aside Aj, that was keeping him sane. Being able to go on a stage and losing himself in the music was like getting out from the ocean and breathe fresh air. He didn’t have to think, he didn’t have to worry about anything: it was only him and the music. He wished he could stay up there all the time, he wished he could feel that comfortable in his own skin even when the curtains were closed and light were turned off.

 

In some ways, he managed to walk through his dressing room, imagining to find Aj to wait for him to collect their things and then go to the bus. He didn’t even remember where they were supposed to be after, if travelling again or going to an hotel. Honestly, he didn’t care which bed he was going to lie down on, he just wanted to sleep. And he could do that only if he was beside Alex.

 

But Aj wasn’t there. A sudden panic washed over him, boosted by his lingering nightmare that his attacker had gone after Aj but he tried to calm down his nerves. He didn’t an extra attack when he could barely stand up. Alex was okay. With that mantra he wobbled until he reached the couch and simply slumped down on it. The room started to spin again so he closed his eyes, hoping at last to fall asleep.

 

Not such luck since Nick chose that moment to enter.

 

"Hey, Bri. Can I talk..." as soon as he laid his eyes on Brian's face, he immediately noticed that something was off. Although his first instinct was to rush over him, he stayed where he was, knowing that it would be worse if Brian panicked. "Are you feeling okay? You don't look too hot."

Brian managed a smile at the concern heard in Nick's voice but didn't dare to open his eyes, fearing that the room would start spinning again. "I'm okay. Just... tired."

"Bri, I'm tired. You look like you're about to pass out."

"No kidding." Brian muttered under his breath. Gosh, where was Aj? He was the only one who he felt comfortable to lean on. What if...? No, no, security had been tightened up and Aj had promised to not drink anything in his dressing room.

"Bri, seriously, do I have to call someone?" Nick was growing worried and worried seeing how pale Brian looked. If he would let him, he would have picked him up and took him at the first hospital.

"Do you know where Al... Aj is?"

"He's talking with Kevin and the security. That's why I'm here, he told me to get you on the bus." Nick answered. "And I wanted to talk to you anyway."

"Something happened?"

"No, no! Don't worry! Just... I wanted to apologize."

"For what?”

 

“The other day. I shouldn’t had jumped into conclusion about Aj and drugs. I know he isn’t that person anymore but... I was just angry at him.”

 

Brian couldn’t help the muffled shocked sound passing by his lips. But he didn’t if he was more shocked about Nick apologizing or about the reason behind that excuse.

 

“I heard your pleas that night and it took everything to not coming and comfort you, as I knew you wouldn’t let me. Aj is, now, the only one who really gets past your fears and the fact that he didn’t open up when you asked for help... it made me mad. And... realizing that the reason why he didn’t do it was because he was high...”

 

“It made you madder?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Brian sighed. He didn’t want to use any energy left to argue with Nick, although he knew that more than arguing Nick wanted to come clean, clear the mess of emotions inside him, but that was his role: listening to him and giving him advice. He patted the spot beside him on the couch. “Come here.”

 

Nick obeyed and sat down beside him, keeping a safe distance between them.

 

“I’m humbled down by your concern. But you have to know that Aj, this Aj, would never leave someone he cared in time of needing. Most, I’m sure he would never go back in doing drugs. Why would he do it? I know that this situation is hard even for you guys and I’m so sorry...”

 

“Wait, wait, wait!” Nick interrupted before Brian could even finish his apology. “Don’t you dare to apologize for something you didn’t do!”

 

“That’s me, no?” Brian joked, smiling tiredly. “Nick, you have to trust me on this.”

 

“I do.” Nick answered softly. “I’ve always trusted you. But... I guess it was less scary thinking that Aj was doing drugs instead than...”

 

“... than thinking that someone had managed to break through security and slipped coke in Aj’s dressing room?”

 

Nick laughed. “Something like that.”

 

“You’re a good friend, Nick. The best friend I could ever ask for.”

 

“I’ve learned from the best. Who, before you ask, is you.”

 

Breathing a little quicker, Brian leaned over and put his head on Nick’s shoulder. It was a huge step for him, being this close to someone who reminded him about his rapist and he felt awful about the fact that he had to keep saying to himself that this was his Nick, his little Nicky and nothing harm would come if he touched him. He had decided, during his sleep, that this fear of him was so stupid that he shouldn’t be so prisoner of it. It was time to react and fight back. Not having the energies in that moment was just a little and meaningless detail.

 

Nick felt a new wave of hope stirring in him at that sudden touch. He dared to lean his head against Brian’s hair and, aside from a little flinch quickly gone, they managed to stay like that for some time before Brian broke the contact.

 

“Sorry but... I can’t...” He managed to say, fighting the constant itching.

 

“Ehi, it’s okay. It’s a start and I’m so proud of you.”

 

Brian tilted his head up and looked at Nick with a genuine smile. “Thanks.”

 

“For what? Thank me after I manage to get you in a McDonald so you can eat some.”

 

At the mere thought of food, Brian’s stomach churned, stirring up the nausea. “Nick, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I just... I just want to sleep.”

 

The frown born from the worry didn’t disappear on Nick’s face but sleeping was always better than nothing. So he hopped up and lend out his head. “Come on. I’ll help you over.”

 

Brian was ready to refuse but another vertigo hit him and he knew he wouldn’t be able to walk to the bus without falling on the floor.

 

“Let’s go.”

 

The dressing room was empty when Zach stepping inside, closing the door behind his back. No one had saw him, no one had tried to stop him and they really thought that one or two more bodyguards could stop him? Laughing maniacally, he took out a white small bag from his pocket while he surveyed the area.

 

He thought, he had believed that Brian would recognize how bad was that Aj, he had hoped that his trick had shown Brian that he could be hurt because of that addicted and he couldn’t depend on someone who was so easily to fall back in his old bad habits. But then... then he saw them, outside the venue, and Brian was still so close to Aj that it had taken everything to not go and kill that piece of shit with his bare hands. How he dared?

 

Brian was so nice to stick with him, that he had thought. Because that was the kinda of guy that Brian was, one that stayed beside a friend even if it meant danger. And someone had to protect him, had to show him the real soul hidden behind the mask of someone in trouble.

 

That was why he was there: slipping the drug in the water hadn’t been enough; he had to do something that would scream against Aj.

 

He knew what to do, the bag was big enough that, if found by the right people, it would send that little shit directly to jail. And with Aj no longer beside Brian... oh yes, his dream would come true.

 

“You’re the one that should be going to jail! You’re a murder! A sick man!”

 

“Stop! Stop! I’m not sick, I’m just in love!”

 

“This isn’t love! This is beyond obsession! Keep up and you will go so down that no one could ever pick you up!”

 

“No, no, no! You’re all wrong! Brian would be with me and no one can ever stop me!”

 

After being sure to have put the drug in the right duffel bag, Zach stormed out before someone would come in. He was read to run when he heard a voice, the sweetest voice in the entire world, that made him stopped on his feet.

 

“Run, idiot! You’re gonna be caught if you don’t run!”

 

Oh, he knew he had to run but why they couldn’t understand that he had, he must see Brian, even if for a brief second?

 

Slowly, he turned around, following the lead of that heavenly sound. Only a few steps divided him from his angel, his heart was racing so fast and loudly that it had silenced those nasty voices in his head. He wasn’t alone but it wouldn’t be hard get rid of that blonde guy, Nick was his name? It didn’t matter, it mattered the fact that he was in the same place as Brian, breathing the same air Brian was breathing.

 

Why he couldn’t see that they were perfect for each other?

 

That brief encounter reinforced his will; everything and everyone must be sacrificed in order to have Brian. And, in that very moment, something happened: Brian turned around while Nick was on the phone and shocked had him frozen as he found him staring back. He opened his mouth, those delicious lips, to say something that didn’t resound in the hallway.

 

Zach smiled wickedly. “You’re gonna be mine.” He mouthed before disappearing in the darkness.

 

Brian thought he was dreaming, still asleep on the dressing room’s couch while waiting for Alex to get him. Yes, that’s the only explanation possible because the truth was too scaring to be considered as reality.

 

He was walking in the hallway, slowly because each steps he made took an amount of energy that was rapidly draining away, when Nick’s phone started to ring; Nick, at first, didn’t bother to answer but the persistent loud ring wouldn’t want to stop so he checked who was the caller. When the id said it was his mother, Nick had to answer and Brian knew that hell would have come if he didn’t take that call. So Brian waited, senses wide alert and wondering if screaming at Jane that “she had to stay away from Nick for her sake” would be considered not so Brian likely.

 

So, he was waiting when he had the feeling that someone was watching him. At first, he dismissed it as a simple result of his paranoia but he still couldn’t shake away the feeling that someone was there, watching them. So, seeing that Nick’s call was still far from being over, he thought that it wouldn’t hurt to check: at least, he would use some energies to laugh at himself and what a paranoid he had become.

 

Oh, how he wanted to turn back time and just convince Nick to call his mother back when they would be safe inside their bus. How he wanted to still believe that he was too much trapped inside his mind that he was starting to see and hear things unreal. None of that because, when he turned around, he came to be face to face with the man that shattered him and his whole life.

 

He blinked rapidly, hoping that it was a fragment of his tortured imagination, but that blond hair and that wicked grin were still there every time he opened his eyes.

 

You’re gonna be mine

 

Words only mouthed but Brian heard them like they were screams. Then, the man was gone but Brian couldn’t make a step, couldn’t force himself to try to run or to scream. He had tried, of course: he had opened his mouth but nothing hadn’t come out, neither air had managed to bring relief to his lungs.

 

It was a downhill spiral, sucking him under the weight of realization how pitiful and useless were his attempt to protect himself and people he loved.

 

He didn’t’ hear Nick screaming for help or Aj trying to calm him down, keeping saying to breath. He was breathing, it wasn’t his fault if air didn’t want to step in a place so unworthy.

 

“I won’t let you give up, damn!” Aj’s words were the last thing Brian heard before darkness took control of his mind.

 

____________________________

 

Brian didn’t know where he was, the only thing that he knew was that he was floating in a soft dark sea, feeling boneless. He wanted to stay there and he didn’t care if someone would thought that he was hiding. He could hear Aj bickering about where they could shove it if they had a problem with that. Why did he fight so much about it when sleeping felt absolutely heaven? Part of his brain knew that he was able to sleep because of some kinda of medicine but, for now, it was too much drugged to point it out.

 

Then, out of nowhere, Brian felt someone’s hands pressing over his arm, a tight grip that reminded him of a place and a time he couldn’t forget. Oh gosh, what was that? Another nightmare? No, it felt more realistic, like it was happening wherever he was in the outside world. But his eyelids felt too heavy to just open them enough to pry what was happening. But... what if whoever was grabbing was someone determined to hurt him? What if it was... him? So, even inside his unconscious mind, he did the only thing he could think of, which was his own survival: he tried to struggle, getting away as far as he could while silently asking for help. The grip didn’t falter, it tightened up and the pain coming was so freaking real. Oh gosh, he had succeeded.

 

“What the hell are you trying to do? Stand back, don’t you see he’s panicking?”

 

Alex, thank God he was there! If Alex was there, it meant that he was safe and no one could ever harm him.

 

“I’m trying to do my job, I’ve got to change his IV.”

 

Iv? So he was most likely stuck in a hospital bed, still he didn’t have any clue why. His mind was still a little groggy and the more he tried to remember the more the result was only a headache growing.

 

Still, he didn’t like how that nurse was treating him so he tried to get away a little more, slamming his shoulder against the bed rail. And that hurt!

 

“Bri, calm down. It’s okay, no one is gonna hurt you. I’m here, I’m not gonna leave you alone.” Aj’s voice ripped shreds of fear from Brian. “Open your eyes, hon. You’re safe.”

 

He could do it, the comfort brought by Aj’s presence was a warm blanket thrown around him. slowly, he opened his eyes, feeling more exhausted and weak than he ever felt. “Alex?” he croaked out, his lips dry.

 

“Who else?” Aj joked, placing a hand on Brian’s forehead and sweeping away a curl. Ahead him, the male nurse backed away, muttering something about finding his doctor. What an idiot, Aj thought.

 

“I get that I’m in hospital. Why is the right question.” Brian said, attempting to sit up. “Gosh, did he have to bruise me while changing the Iv?” he asked as he noticed the black and blue spot around the needle.

 

“Your skin is too much delicate. You tend to bruise too easily.”

 

Brian rolled his eyes. “I do not.”

 

“Oh yes, you do. Ma was always scared that Jackie would thought that we were abusing you because of all the bruises you got playing basket with Nick.”

 

“That was because Nick didn’t like having his ass beating up and tried to win by cheating.”

 

“And that’s why I haven’t join you two when you were playing. Too much battle spirit for a simple game.”

 

“No, that’s because you suck at basketball.” Brian said flashing a tired smile. “So, what happened?”

 

“I was hoping you could tell me. What I know is that you had a full blown attack. Kevin was worried about how erratic was your heartbeat so we brought you to the ER.”

 

A warm but firm voice stopped the answer Brian was ready to give. It belonged to a tall man, younger than he might had thought and the white coat told him that he must be his doctor. “I’m surprise to find you awake, Mr. Littrell.” He said while getting inside the room, the other guys behind him. “But someone paged me telling that there has been some kind of problem. I’m dr.Gregor.”

 

Brian rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t called it a problem.”

 

“You’ve got another panic attack.” Aj reminded him.

 

“I didn’t!” Brian exclaimed. “I didn’t.” he repeated looking back at the doctor.

 

“He did.” Aj said, earning a glance from the guy in the bed.

 

“Okay, I did.” Brian finally admitted annoyed.

 

“Mind to tell me what brought this up?”

 

“I... I don’t like being woke up by someone who’s choking up my circulation.”

 

Nick laughed a little, relieved to see Brian back with his sense of humor.

 

“So, doctor, when I can go home?” Brian asked, already hating to be that much the center of attention.

 

“First, we have to talk about what brought you here.

 

“I know what brought me here.” Brian snorted, not really looking forward to hear a lecture about his lack of eating and taking care of himself. “I... I just had some rough days.”

 

“Sugar in your blood was so low that we had problems to find, which told us that you haven’t eaten for more than one day. You are also dehydrated so we’re giving you fluids and nutriments. But I’m more concerned about your heart, Mr. Littrell. With the lack of food, your heart had to overwork itself. And I think you understand what could happen if you’re going to keep up with this behavior.”

 

Brian lowered his eyes on his hands still on his lap, one of them gripping Aj’s hands. “I know.” He whispered. “I didn’t do on purpose. I’m... I’m just going through a rough patch.”

 

“I hope you didn’t do on purpose. So, going back to your first question, I can release you tomorrow under the agreement that you would rest for at least three days, three full meals. It’s necessary to give your body something so it can work at its best.” The doctor said, looking mostly to the men around his patient.

 

“He had some trouble with sleeping.” Aj asked.

 

“I’m prescribing him some sleeping pills, take them these few days so you can rest...”

 

Brian wasn’t listening. As soon as he heard the words “pills” his mind had taken him back to the bathroom hotel, bringing back all those thoughts that led him to try to end it all. What if he got tempted again?

 

“No.” The monosyllabic word left his lips before he could stop it but managed to freeze everyone in the room.

 

“Excuse?”

 

No was right. He couldn’t let something like that happen again. He would fight, yes, but on his own.

 

“I said no. I don’t want any pills.”

 

As he predicted, it was Kevin the first to jump in and protest. “Bri, it’s only for your own good.”

 

He didn’t answer, he just looked over the doctor and held his gaze. “I won’t take them.”

 

“Mr. Littrell...”

 

“Brian.”

 

“Brian.” Dr. Gregor corrected himself. “It’s just for a few days, a help while dealing with stress. Then, you can use them only if necessary.”

 

“I don’t care.” Brian replied with that tone of voice that implied that he wasn’t going to stand back on his decision. That determination was in contrast with the way his fingers were twisting, grasping and scratching on his lap. Aj noticed that, just as like he noticed how tensed Brian’s body was and how probably he was trying to fake confidence in something he didn’t have the strength to fight over. Because Aj knew why Brian was so firmly against the pills, the same reason why he didn’t take pain medication only if it was extremely necessary.

 

So, he took hold of his hands, preventing more harm, and took courage to held up one to his cheek. “Bri, what if I keep them?”

 

Brian rolled his gaze to look into Aj’s eyes, losing some of his strength. Aj knew, Aj understood so why he wasn’t on his side? “Alex...” he pleaded, a crack of emotions slipping through his voice.

 

“I know, hon.” Aj softly replied, stroking his thumb. “But you need to sleep. I’m gonna keep them and you know you can’t get pass me.” Aj reassured him, squeezing his hand and hoping for a smile that didn’t appear.

 

Brian managed a simply nod, squeezing back Aj’s hand painfully hard. He chanced then a glance up over the guys, feeling their gaze on him but afraid about what he would see in their eyes: pity? Disgust? Had they understand why he didn’t want to take any chance? Maybe not Kevin, for that he would never think of him at this low point. And maybe not Howie, although he was more keen about picking up things that people gave him credit for. But Nick would know, Nick would look in his eyes and read everything. How many times he was going to be stripped down of his armory in front of Nick?

 

“Okay, I’m gonna write down the prescription along with one in case you have another panic attack.” Dr Gregor said, noticing how heavy the air had became. And, he might have some ideas about why his patient didn’t want to be on medication; he scribbled down some of his thoughts, along with the recommendation to seek the help of a consultant for what he thought could be very likely some kind of post traumatic disorder. There was no doubt that the young man brought in had been assaulted, most likely raped as his dislike of being touched pointed out. He got up from his seat and as he checked the vitals and the IV bags, he managed to let drop some drops of the medications, in hope to let him rest a little more. As far as he was concerned by his mental state, he knew that no good would come if they didn’t cure his physical symptoms.

 

“I’ll be back later. You guys can stay with him as long as he can sleep. That’s what he needs the most right now.”

 

After Dr. Gregor got out the room, a thick silence fell among them, each one thinking about what they should do to help their friend. Only Nick’s thoughts weren’t on the same line, he was still overanalyzing Brian’s reaction: something was odd in that, something that whispered to him a reality too unbelievable to grasp. Because Brian was too much stronger to fall in pieces like that and because there were no hopes left if even Brian acted like the only situation was to be gone.

 

“Tell me you didn’t.” He had waited until Brian’s eyes locked with his, praying that they would tell him another story. But they didn’t, instead they held that desperation and agony that Nick knew too well.

 

Brian tore away his gaze, hiding his face in the crock of Aj’s neck.

 

“Didn’t do what?” Kevin asked, puzzled by the situation.

 

“Tell me you didn’t.” Nick repeated, slower this time. When Brian still refused to acknowledge him, Nick turned the question to the only other one who would know the truth. “Aj?”

 

“He didn’t.” He answered, leaving out any details. Because that was the truth and there was a whole big difference between thinking about suicide and trying to succeed. He felt the shivers ragging the tiny frame of the body he was holding and just as he was about to bite Nick back, a tiny voice stepped through the layers of clothing.

 

“I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore.” The defeated tone, mixed with drugged sleepiness, broke any barriers left in Nick, leaving him numb. “Please... don’t be mad.” Two sharp intakes of breath, followed by a murmured “oh my God”, could be heard behind Nick’s back but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about nothing that the sense of helpless feeling slowly raising above him and Nick had to go out or he would have screamed or, worse, broken something. All things Brian didn’t need to witness.

 

He backed out, almost tripping himself over a chair, and then left the room before someone would stop him.

 

Brian would be better off without him.

 

Aj waited until he was sure that Brian was sleeping before laying him down on the bed again. He wiped away the still wet trails of tears left on his face.

 

Kevin was there, frozen on his spot while trying to elaborate everything that had been told, wondering how in the hell he hadn’t know that or hadn’t prevented. What kind of cousin he was? What kind of protector, since he had failing Brian since the first time?

 

“Jay...”

 

But Aj didn’t let him go on. “Can you spare me the questions? Stay with him while I go talk with Nick.”

 

Howie stepped in. “You don’t have to leave, J. I can go myself so you can stay with Brian.”

 

But Aj held up his hand. “No, it’s something I can relate to. And Brian would be just fine. I don’t plan to stay away too long.”

 

Before wondering where Nick might be, a loud sound followed by a series of cursing told him where to find him: at the end of hallway, taking out his anger on a vending machine.

 

Truth was that Aj was mad too, although it was more the results of everything that had happened in those days, emotions and feelings that had pinned over one another since he couldn’t vent out while staying with Brian. But now... now Nick handed him the perfect chance to let out everything. And boy, if he was mad! He knew where Nick was coming from but, right now, he was more concerned about the man back in that room. By the time he finally met up with Nick, he had a little control over his emotions.

 

“What the hell, Nick!”

 

Nick kicked a second time the machine. “This stupid thing stole my money.”

 

“I wasn’t talking about that but your little stunt with Brian.”

 

Nick stopped from kicking a second time the vending machine. He didn’t look up to Aj, he rest his gaze on his shoes. “I’m not mad at him.”

 

“That’s not what you told him! Geez, Nick! He’s vulnerable now, he doesn’t need you to play little games with him!”

 

That made him snapped. “I’m not playing! How can you think that?”

 

Aj leaned over the wall with his right shoulder, crossing his arms over the chest. “I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?”

 

“I’m mad, okay? I want so bad to chase down that guy and literally kill him with my bare hands. I’m mad that Brian has to go through something like that! The Brian I knew would never thought about trying to kill himself!”

 

All anger Aj had felt before, now had flown away seeing how unsure and clueless Nick was. Sometimes, they forgot how much young Nick still was, even though he had been through experiences and things that had him matured more than most of guys of his same age. Mostly, he had forgotten how much Nick looked up to Brian and this all situation had left him stranded, unsure about what he was supposed to do or who to turn to.

 

“You can’t keep thinking about the past, Nick. Right now, neither Brian himself knows who he is anymore.”

 

Looking defeated, Nick leaned against the wall. “It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair.”

 

“Whining about how unfair is this situation isn’t going to help Brian. It’s a matter of fact, a guy had died and who knows what more is waiting for Brian. But... recriminations, now, are just a waste of time.” Aj replied, leaning closer to Nick.

 

“I don’t know how to help him. Even if we aren’t together anymore, he’s my best friend and... best friends are supposed to help each other.”

 

“Maybe you don’t see it as a help but what Brian needs now is your total support. You just have to be there for him, even if it’s only to hold him while he’s crying or just hear him while he’s crying.”

 

“I know, I know. I just...” Nick sighed. “I just want to be there for him like he has. Always. You don’t know how many times he just saved me. Whenever I was about to quit or to tell my parents to fuck off, he was there. I don’t know how he does every time but... he has this way with me, like he knows what I’m feeling before I can even start to think about what it’s going on with me.”

 

“Nick, people are different. You’re like an open book, maybe not for everyone to read but... who knows you know how to read you. And Brian is the best with you... he has this inner kin that makes you just want to talk with him about everything because you know that he’s gonna take care of everything. No one can be there for him like he does.”

 

Nick turned his face towards Aj. “But you do, Age. You know how to take care of him.”

 

“I don’t think so. Or I could prevented all this hospital trip. I knew he wasn’t sleeping and I knew he wasn’t eating much. And the drug episode... it just worried Brian when he should focus only on himself.”

 

“You know that’s the only thing Brian isn’t good at.” Nick joked. “Maybe he needed to crash to understand that he has to take care of himself?”

 

Aj shrugged. “Maybe. The point, Nick, is that I know it’s hard to control anger and rage but you have to find a way, at least when you’re around him. I’ve told you, he’s really vulnerable right now and he tends to take blame for everything, especially if you storm out of a room without saying nothing.”

 

After a minute of silence, Nick brought up what made him so worked up. “You were... you weren’t lying back there?

 

“No, I wasn’t lying. He didn’t do it although it was a little scary entering in a room and find him with a bunch of pills in his hand.”

 

A cold shiver ran along Nick’s spine and numbed all the negative thoughts running wild in his minds. It wasn’t the right time to break down, Aj was right. Now they had only to focus on Brian.

 

“Come on Nick, let’s go to the cafeteria. Brian will sleep for a long time and we need some coffee if we want to stay up all night.” Aj offered, although it didn’t felt right to leave Brian, at least from his heart, but they had to eat something if they didn’t want to end up like Brian.

 

And maybe... maybe Nick was right: he needed to crash before starting to put together the broken pieces.

 

If there was something that Brian hated the most about hospital was the smell, that aseptic scent that seemed to follow him even in the most unusual places. Maybe it was because he had been caged in hospital beds for too long when he was a child, maybe it was because bad memories were bound to that place, still he couldn’t stand that smell. But, in that moment, Brian couldn’t be more grateful that he could recognize where he was thanks to that horrible perfume. In the aftermath of another nightmare, smelling that smell proved him that he was safe and that no one had been harmed because of him. Not too much of consolation, he thought as he tried to sit up. The room was swallowed in the dark, a green ray coming from up above him was the only light left and he could barely made up his surroundings: over the bed, in front of him, was what he supposed was a couch; near, a door led probably to the adjoined bathroom which told him that his room was one of the private ones. On his left, close to his heart monitor, there was an empty chair but, overall, no one seemed to be there with him.

 

On one hand, he felt relief knowing that the guys weren’t there and he hoped they were somewhere sleeping or eating, for he didn’t want them to get sick because too busy worrying and caring about him. But, on the other hand, he felt like they had abandoned him, too tired of his continuous stunts.

 

Especially Aj.

 

It wasn’t enough that he had to be constantly with him, tending and making sure that he didn’t nothing drastic – which he had tried to do – oh, no! Now, he had been thrown back in the drug vortex because of him. That blame, that guilty was too much to bare but it couldn’t be compared to the fear that it might had been the last straw, that Aj’s absence at his side was because he had enough and he didn’t want to deal with another madness. Yes, they were friends and yes, maybe what happened to him had brought them closer as they never had been before, in some ways he felt closer to him than when he was with Nick. But it wasn’t right to bind someone only because that person was going through a rough spot. It wasn’t right to drag someone in something that dangerous only because he was scared to death.

 

Aj told him that he was strong and that he had envied his strength. Well, now it was the right time to use that famous strength. He knew what had caused his last panic attack, something that he still hadn’t have the time to tell: his saw him and he was walking out Aj’s dressing room. It didn’t take a criminal mind to know why and what he had been doing in there. That meant he was following them and had witness how close him and Aj were. And only one solution could save Aj’s life.

 

So, gathering forces he didn’t think he had, Brian got up, grabbing the rail with one hand to steady himself: his legs were less shaky than he had though they would be so that was only an advantage for him. He didn’t have much time to waste since he didn’t know how long the guys would be gone. Experiences came in handy when it came to remove all the tubes and the wires connected to the monitors: once, a nurse had explained him how to do in case of necessary. And that was the right time to put it on the test. First, he switched off the heart monitor so its alarm wouldn’t go off, then he took out the IVs, closing them so they wouldn’t leak out; he retrieved from under the bed his clothes before putting them on.

 

It wasn’t the greatest of the plans and he wasn’t sure it could work but it felt right: if the man was following them, then he would be there outside, wondering what happened and looking for him. It would take only a glance at him, all alone, and then he would be followed. Brian didn’t know where he wanted to go, maybe nowhere, but he was determined to get away before someone else would get hurt.

 

And, with that thought, he left his room and sneaked over the lifts.

 

At least, he was doing something instead of crying and blaming the world of his situation.

 

It was the brink of the dawn and a violet shade was setting up the sky for the moment when the sunrays would shine above all. Not many people were walking around the little park that encircled the hospital building: most of them were doctors and nurses chatting while waiting for the next patient, few were parents and friends waiting for news about their loved ones. Among them, although hidden in a shadow of a big oak on the left side of the main path, a blond guy was watching with eager attention all the people going in and out from the hospital sliding doors.

 

“Why don’t you leave him in peace? Look where you put him!” The sharp voice cut his thoughts like a knife, growling like a mad wild animal.

 

“It’s not my fault.” Zach angrily replied, like there was someone behind him. To him, there was, even if it was only a mere projection of his mind or his conscience, which of them he didn’t know. “It’s them. They don’t know how to take care of him.”

 

“And you do? Really? You’re gonna kill him too!” Another voice, younger than the first one and full of anger mixed with fear, came between them.

 

“Yes! I do!” He snapped. He did, if only he could have the chance to prove them wrong. He knew Brian, better maybe than himself. His supposedly friends didn’t, they didn’t and that was the result: his Brian in a hospital, the place he hated the most.

 

No, they couldn’t understand. He had to have Brian, he had to show him how perfect they were, how he was the only one who could make him happy. That rebel, that Aj... look where he brought him! A hospital!

 

Then, like summoned by his own desire, Brian appeared from the hospital’s entrance, looking like an angel in disguise. Zach felt his heart racing, swelling like it was going to burst in his chest while he wondered where Brian was going. Maybe... oh no, he was just kidding himself if he was thinking that, maybe, Brian was going to search him!

 

“He’s running away because you hurt him and one of his closest friend! He would never search for you, he doesn’t want you!” Another voice mocked him, sparkling a flame of anger.

 

“No! No! He knows that I’m doing all of this because I want to protect him! They’re not his friends, they don’t care for him like I do!”

 

He was about to jump out from his hiding and meeting Brian halfway through the park when something stopped him. Minutes had passed, so slow, but indeed someone had figured it out that Brian wasn’t in his room.

 

He growled as he saw those guys, the rebel one that shouldn’t be that close to his Brian, blocking Brian. The blonde, the one who looked so much like him, didn’t dare to touch Brian but Aj yes. Why Brian was letting him? He could be hurt because of him, he could be hurt, why he couldn’t see that?

 

Anger swept through him, poison and lighted up a fire that was burning everything inside him, more and more as he witnessed how they managed to bring Brian back in the hospital. No, it wasn’t plain and simple anger. It was rage, a flaming ball set in his chest.

 

“Stop it! You can’t make a scene here!”

 

“Let him do it so he will be stopped before someone else gets killed.”

 

Zach couldn’t think straight, only he saw those hands on Brian’s shoulders and he could think how he wanted to cut them. How dare him? How? Wasn’t the drug enough? Why couldn’t he understand that he had to stay away from Brian?

 

“You are the one who has to stay away from him!”

 

He shook his head in denial, they were only envious of Brian. That’s why they were telling him to stay away, because they knew he would forget about them once he had Brian in his life.

 

“Your stupid dream...”

 

Brian. Brian had to know that there was only him. He looked as the two guys led Brian away from his gaze. That would be the last time they did it. Because... oh yes, because they would pay. Brian was going to join him and they prevented it.

 

They would pay with their life.