How long they lay there, AJ didn’t know. But he couldn’t bring himself to move from Brian’s arms. This was a huge step forward on Brian’s part. Even in his altered state, AJ recognized that. This was enormous for Brian to do. Snuggling a little while sleeping was one thing. Laying his head in someone’s lap, or holding hands, or even hugs, those were one thing. But to lay in bed and hold someone solely to offer comfort, well, that was a step back to the old Brian. This was something he would have done before the attack. Touching, not for his own comfort, but for the comfort of someone else.
That just made AJ’s emotions even more on the surface. While half of him grieved at the events of the night, the other half celebrated that Brian was taking such a step. Even as his body trembled and shook and his breathing seemed so shaky, Brian never moved. He didn’t say a word.
Brian had always been able to read the people around him that he loved. To know what they needed and provide it in a way that didn’t make them feel smothered. This embrace was the perfect remedy to AJ’s problems. Brian, being Brian, knew that and was offering it. If it was hard for him, he showed no obvious signs of it. There was a small tremor in Brian’s hand that AJ recognized and knew came from the fear of being this close, in this much physical contact, with another person. Even knowing that it bothered Brian, though, AJ couldn’t bring himself to move. He needed this. Damn him for being selfish, but he needed this.
Memories were swamping him. The longer he lay here, the more the images came back. Some of it had been so hazy when he’d first woken up. They were becoming clearer now. The more he remembered, the sicker he became. But he had to remember. Anything, to gain them some information on this psychopath. Anything, to protect Brian.
AJ knew he’d go through this hell a thousand times over if it provided him with something that would allow him to keep Brian safe. He’d take on this pain and so much more if only he could find a way to use it to keep Brian from hurting. Yet, his being hurt was obviously hurting Brian. He needed to get himself under control. The longer he took to get his iron control back the more that Brian would be hurting.
One memory reared its ugly head, slamming into AJ like a freight train. Here was where half his fear came from. Here was what was causing him the most anxiety. He gasped with the force of the memory and what it brought with it.
“Talk to me, Alex.” Brian whispered into his ear. They didn’t move an inch as Brian spoke so softly and gently. “Tell me. Get it out. Don’t let it just fester in there.”
Could he tell him? AJ squeezed his eyes shut. The question was more, could he not tell him? Everything they had right now was built on honesty. Stop that and he’d destroy the trust between him. Nothing mattered to him more than Brian’s trust.
“When…when he was dressing me, after he paid the hooker.” AJ paused on that word, feeling the shaft of pain with that thought. It took him a second to work past it and keep talking. Brian didn’t say anything else. Just held him and waited for him to continue. “He was talking to me. At first I don’t think he realized he was talking out loud. He…he said some of the things he’d done to you. That he wanted to do to you. What he wants to do to me if I don’t leave you alone.”
Brian’s body gave a quick jerk. Reacting instinctively, AJ rolled over so that he was facing Brian. Amazingly, Brian kept his arm around AJ. But now that they were facing each other, AJ brought one hand up, resting it on Brian’s upturned cheek. “I won’t let him touch you again.” he swore softly. “He will never hurt you again so long as I’m around. I swear it.”
Some of AJ’s strength returned to him with that vow. He felt the truth of it straight down to his bones. “What he did to me, Bri, it’s nothing. Nothing.”
Brian started to protest, but AJ moved his thumb over Brian’s lips, stopping him. “No, it’s true. What he did to me is nothing I haven’t done to myself a million times over when I was using. He thought he’d break me with this. That he’d break you and me away from one another. He has no idea of my or your strength.” Everything inside of AJ went soft. “If you can live with what he did to you, how could I do any less?”
The look on Brian’s face melted away, leaving behind surprise and warmth. “You have such faith in me. Half the time I don’t know if I can make it through the next hour, let alone the whole day. Yet you never doubt me. Knowing you have that kind of faith in me makes it easier to have faith in myself.”
“You believed in me, Bri, even when I didn’t believe in myself. No one’s ever done that for me before. The least I can do is return the favor.” A corner of AJ’s mouth quirked. Words sat on the tip of his tongue, aching to be set free, yet he held them back. He didn’t want to put too much on Brian, not this quickly.
But it was Brian who said the words that left them both stunned. “You matter to me, Alex.” He whispered. “More than anyone ever has. You matter in ways I didn’t know a person could and it scares the living hell out of me.”
Equal parts of joy and heartache arrowed through AJ. Joy, that Brian had these feelings for him. Heartache that it had come out at a time where Brian felt he wasn’t capable of acting on them.
A knock sounded on the door, interrupting their conversation. AJ didn’t move, didn’t say a word. The last thing he wanted was to get up and answer the door. He held Brian’s gaze, willing him to stay in place, to ignore the knock. Brian stared back at him, obviously torn between staying and continuing the conversation and using the door as an excuse to escape.
Another knock, accompanied by Kevin’s voice shouting “Guys! Come on!” made the decision for them. The loud noise was too much for AJ’s head; his hands dropped away from Brian, moving quickly to cradle his head against the shaft of pain that echoed there. Brian practically flew off the bed and out to the door.
Muted voices came from the main room. AJ ignored them completely. Between the morning after effects and the conversation they’d just had, his head was spinning. It wasn’t a pleasant sensation. The distraction of their conversation before had helped him block the hangover and the withdrawal symptoms. Now they came back, full force.
God, what all had he used? What had he put into his system? Those questions bounced off his skull like rocks. He’d drank, yes. Snorted, yes. But what the hell had been in his drink to start with? Had anything else been slipped into his drinks? He’d been too far gone by then to care about it even if he’d noticed it.
Whatever the combination of things was, he felt like shit now. Like he’d been run over by a truck, taken through the wringer, beat on a rock and left out to dry. His eyes were dry and gritty, his mouth like sandpaper. His entire body shook like he was freezing to death, which he felt like. It was fucking cold! That itching, that Godforsaken familiar itching, was back on his skin. Everything. This was one thing he hadn’t missed at all about his using times. The coming down. Most people only itched with hard withdrawals. AJ itched every time he came down from it. It was like little bugs were crawling around under his skin.
The sound of footsteps warned AJ that someone was coming. It took him a moment to realize that there were two sets. Shit. Kevin was coming back there? Oh man, he was not ready to deal with anyone but Brian right now. Hell, he doubted he could even handle the sound of Kevin’s deep voice right then without his head falling off and shattering on the ground.
What he heard next made his head hurt, but it also made his heart swell. Brian’s voice, trying to stay a whisper, laced with anger. “Dammit, Kev! I told you he’s not feeling good. I just got him calmed down some and you want to go in there and upset him again?” Brian whispered furiously.
It must have stunned Kevin as much as it did AJ to hear Brian standing up to him. Kevin stayed quiet for a long moment before he responded. “I don’t have a choice, cos. Management says the meeting is mandatory. We have to be there, all of us. They even had me get Nick up and he’s still sick!”
A mandatory meeting? Fuck. That was the last thing he wanted to do. There was no doubt what this meeting was going to be about. He wasn’t an idiot. Someone had to have seen him the night before and reported it to management. Or…had Zach made a call, anonymously, of course. That would seem to fit in with what was happening here. The man was a serious stalker. Dangerous. AJ had thought about this and all he could come up with was that this stalker, this Zach guy, must either be trying to get people away from Brian, or doing this to try to get Brian to be disgusted with AJ and back off on his own.
So lost in thought was he that AJ missed the end of Brian and Kevin’s conversation. But he heard as Brian walked softly back into the room. He sat on the edge of the bed, right by AJ’s back, one hand brushing against AJ’s spine for a second. “Alex?”
“I’ve got to get up, don’t I?” AJ whispered. He took a careful breath.
“Kev says the meeting’s mandatory. They won’t say what it’s about, but we can guess pretty well.”
“Oh, I’m sure they just want to discuss something innocuous, like underwear or something.”
AJ’s sarcasm had Brian letting out a surprise chuckle. “Underwear?”
“Sure.” With a forced calm and a rigid control, AJ rolled over so he could look up at Brian. He even managed to make himself smile, even if only slightly. “Didn’t Nick ever tell you about that?”
Still chuckling, Brian shook his head. Amusement tinged AJ’s voice. “Go figure. Kid was so damn embarrassed by it anyways. Him an I got called in by management’s rep on the first tour. They wanted to talk to us about our underwear, seeing as how my baggy jeans constantly showed mine and Nick’s show whenever he bends over. We were lectured on the proper way to dress and how rising stars don’t let their underwear show.”
“You’re kidding me?” The smile on Brian’s face was one of the few honest ones he’d worn lately.
“Nope. Next tour we were so big we had people fighting to have us wear their underwear and let it be seen. Funny how things turn out.” AJ’s story cut off when a chill ran from head to toe, forcing him to close his eyes against the pain it brought with it. When he had it under control again, he took a deep breath and scooted himself up in bed until he was sitting up. It felt as if his head was made of glass and balancing precariously on his shoulders.
Brian wisely stayed silent. He went to his suitcase and pulled out a few items, bringing them over and laying them on the bed. By tact agreement neither of them spoke. Brian went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and give AJ privacy in which to change.
Thank God for that. It took AJ more energy than he would have liked to admit just to stand up, let alone pull his shirt off. He held his shirt in his hands, looking down at it with disgust. It was the same outfit he’d been wearing before. He’d passed out in them. Suddenly he couldn’t seem to get his clothes off fast enough. He didn’t want to be wearing anything that he’d had on last night. Didn’t want that against his skin.
Once he was naked he looked at the clothes Brian had left. A pair of black house pants, pajama pants, not as thick as sweats but comfortable none the less, and a shirt and hoodie. God bless the man.
AJ moved like an old man, his hands trembling as he tried to dress. He had to sit on the edge of the bed to get his feet into the pants and even then it hurt to bend his head down. All the while he had to resist scratching at himself. The itching was spreading over every inch of skin. But finally, thank God finally, he got the pants on and up. The shirt was a little easier, as was the sweater. By the time Brian came back out, AJ was sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed, arms wrapped around his waist to try and still the shaking and prevent itching.
For the moment AJ couldn’t bring himself to look at Brian. So he rose silently and moved to the bathroom to take care of his own morning routine. Since he’d been staying here in Brian’s room his toiletries bag was already on the counter. HE gratefully brushed his teeth after relieving himself. Once he was clean, as clean as he could be, he headed back out to the main room.
Brian waited by the door, AJ’s house shoes on the ground beside him. AJ slid them on and gave Brian a slight nod. On his way past he snagged his sunglasses from the counter an quickly put them on. Maybe they’d block the sunlight from blinding him too much. He pulled the hood up over his head. After that, it was just concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other and following Brian.
They reached a door at the end of the hallway. Brian paused outside it, his hand on the door handle. “Alex…”
“It’s ok, Bri.” AJ reassured him gently. “I can handle it. I’ve handle it before.”
Brian nodded. He opened the door, holding it open like a gentleman so that AJ could pass through. He started to, taking a few steps, but then stopped. Impulsively, he turned to look at Brian. “Bri?”
“Yeah?”
“Before we go in, I just wanted to say, well, you matter to me too. More than anyone ever has and in ways I never knew were possible. You have for a long time.” AJ smiled at the surprise and pleasure that flashed over Brian’s features. “I just wanted you to know. You’re not alone n that feeling.” That said, he turned and stepped into the hotel room.
As he’d expected, everyone was already there. All eyes turned toward him as he walked in. They didn’t even pay any attention to Brian. Howie, Kevin, Nick, the management rep that toured with them, Tim something or other, and two other guys AJ didn’t recognize.
He couldn’t focus on them at the moment. All he could focus on was trying to find somewhere to sit down. The curtains were thrown wide in here, letting the sunlight in, and it was like rays of fire trying to bore into his skull. It was with great gratitude that he saw the open couch. Only Howie sat on it, which left plenty of room for AJ to sit down in the middle and hunker as low as he could. Of all people to sit by, Howie was one of the safest. That would also leave his other side open for Brian to sit by him, which was even more important to him.
No one said anything as AJ took his seat, or as Brian sat beside him. Sitting made it easier to hide inside his hood and block out as much of the sun as possible. He stuffed his hands into the pouch pocket on the front of the sweater, allowing him to pick at his fingers. Despite his earlier bravado, now that he was in here he was nervous as hell. What were they going to say to him? What were they going to do to him?
“Well.” Tim cleared his throat noisily, making AJ wince inside his hood. “Now that we’re all here…” There was a pause, indicating his displeasure at AJ’s lateness. It took everything AJ had not to snarl at the man. “…we need to discuss a few important things. I’ve brought Rob from PR and our lawyer, Richard.”
“What do we need a lawyer for?” Kevin asked seriously. No matter what went down he always looked out for his friends first and foremost. He would take charge, as always.
Tim made another sound, clearing his throat again. AJ clenched his hands in his pocket. Jesus, did they all have to be so loud? The pain reliever was barely dulling his headache at the moment and they sure as hell weren’t helping it do its job! “There are a few delicate matters here,” Tim state. “and I want to make sure that everything is done correctly.”
When there was no further comment, Tim continued on. In that moment, AJ decided he hated the man. Not because of what he was saying. No. Because his voice had a slightly high, nasally sound to it that was like nails on a chalkboard. It was enough to have AJ wanting to plug his ears and start rocking back and forth.
“Recent events were brought to our attention early this morning.” Tim began in his annoying voice. “We were alerted to some inappropriate behavior last night. Behavior that was witness by quite a few people. Enough people that we can’t cover it up, which means that by the time the papers hit the stands this morning it’s going to be everywhere.”
The room was completely quiet. In contrast it made Tim’s voice seemed louder when he spoke again. “First and foremost, what we require here is an explanation, Mr. Mclean. We need to know the unedited truth about last night so we know what we’re up against and what we need to prepare for. From there, we’ll decide what’s to be done.”
AJ instantly tensed. The unedited truth? He didn’t realize he was rocking a little on his seat, or that all eyes were on him, most of them full of sympathy. Kevin had already tried to argue this point with Tim but had been summarily shut down. They had to know, Tim had insisted to Kevin, so they could take the appropriate actions.
“I uh, I don’t remember everything.” AJ finally forced himself to say. God, was that his voice? How had he turned so hoarse again? The quaver he heard in it shamed him. He wouldn’t be weak before all of them. Not even before his friends. Especially not in front of Brian. No, he’d be strong. He swallowed and forced his voice to hold steady. “Someone slipped something into my soda.”
A strange voice spoke up now. “Excuse me, but can you be more specific?” The man asked. Had to be the lawyer. What was his name again? Richard.
He had to lick his lips to moisten them before he could speak again. “A drug was slipped into my soda at some point. Check the waiters. Whoever delivered the drink when I was sitting with Howie, that’d be the drink that was drugged. We went and danced after that, he dragged me out on the floor, and that’s when I started to feel off.”
“Off?”
These probing questions were frustrating. They were also taxing him, physically. He rocked a little harder, still not realizing that he was doing it. But he froze when he felt Brian stand up. Where was he going? God, he should have just told these guys what they wanted to know, quickly, so he could get Brian out of here. This wasn’t all about him! Brian was still hurting inside. He still had a hard time being around a bunch of people, even if they were friends.
But Brian was back suddenly, one hand going to rest on AJ’s leg as he sat. The other hand held out an open bottle of water. AJ almost sagged with relief. Brian hadn’t left. He’d just been getting AJ some water. He’d probably heard how dry AJ’s throat was getting. Now there was only one thing. Would his hands be steady enough to take the bottle without spilling it? Pride demanded that he do it himself, that he not let Brian help him.
Yet, when he took a hand from the pocket, he was still shamed to see how badly it trembled. He resolutely took hold of the water bottle anyways. If it hadn’t been for Brian wrapping his hand around AJ’s, though, the water would have went everything. AJ forced down his pride and took a steadying drink of the water. When he was done he let Brian take the bottle back. “Thank you.”
Brian’s hand rubbed gently over his thigh before coming to rest on his knee. The gesture was noticed by quite everyone in the room. It made their three friends smile, though neither AJ nor Brian saw it.
“Yes, off.” AJ said, answering the earlier question. “I don’t know what kind of details you want. It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never used before.” He raised his head, forcing himself to squint past the light to look at the faces that were questioning him. Without realizing it, he started to scratch inside the pocket, itching the backs of his hands and moving toward his arms. “I felt a little dizzy, a little giddy. At first I thought it was just the music and the heat. They do that to you sometimes.”
“But you believe now that it wasn’t?” Richard asked briskly.
“I know it wasn’t.” Was his blunt reply. “I got off the dance floor and tried to cool off. Someone came up, started talking to me. When I looked up, I saw it was Nick.”
That got a few people talking. The three management representatives looked from one to the other before Tim asked “Wasn’t Mr. Carter here, sick?” at the same time that Nick, Kevin and Howie all exclaimed “What?”
It was Nick who made the connection. His eyes, bloodshot from his cold, went wide. “Oh no.” He locked eyes with AJ, the question in them obvious. All AJ could do was nod. He’d known Nick would understand. After he nodded, he watched as Nick’s eyes slid closed and he cursed. For once no one corrected Nick for his language.
Because he didn’t want to stay on this detail, that wasn’t his story to tell, AJ continued on with his own story. “Yeah, he was here sick. You see why I said I’d been given something? I couldn’t even see the people around me normally.” That was the best explanation he would give them for that. “He told me he didn’t want to go back to the party alone. So I went with him. We went to the back rooms where the drugs always are. He kept giving me drinks, telling me he’d get me another soda.”
Pausing, AJ licked his lips again. He sniffled, resisting reaching up to wipe his nose. “My mouth didn’t seem to work right. I couldn’t taste what I was drinking at first. Then, after a bit, I didn’t care what I was drinking. I ordered my own.” He closed his eyes now, not wanting to see the looks on their faces. “It gets a little misty here. I remember talking and laughing with people. I remember snorting a few lines.” And oh, God, how he wanted a small line right then. Mentally, no. But physically, his body was dying for some.
He bit his lip, not sure how much more he wanted to say. What happened next was the worst part for him. It was the hardest thing that he was going to have to live with. He scratched harder at his arm.
Brian’s hand reached out, touching the crook of his arm. At the same time, Howie reached over and pulled on his other arm, forcing his hands to separate. His best friend didn’t hesitate to link AJ’s left hand with his right one, twining their fingers together. Howie had never been shy about touching his friends. He also knew AJ extremely well and recognized what he’d been doing.
Shocking everyone, Brian looked up from AJ’s side and glared at them all, his hand still sitting comfortingly on AJ’s arm. “Is this really necessary? He’s just barely awake and you’re grilling him on all of it!”
Tim cleared his throat again. “I’m sorry, Mr. Littrell, but we need to know what we’re up against. Whatever details he gives us is one more thing we can prepare for. We need to know everything if we hope to salvage this disaster.”
“You’re acting like he intentionally did this. He didn’t! He’s a victim in this and should be treated with a little respect! Can’t you see how miserable he is?”
“With his past history, I’m sorry, but all signs indicate…”
Furious, Brian launched up from the couch. “Screw the signs!” he snapped. Even AJ looked up at him with shock. No one had heard Brian have that much temper in his voice in a long time. But he wasn’t done yet. “He was manipulated and tricked and put into this situation by someone to hurt him. Don’t you dare sit there and make this his fault!”
It was Richard who stepped forward, one hand held out calmly. “Do you have proof that someone would do this? More so, why would someone want to drug him and make him look like he’d relapsed?”
“To keep us apart.” Brian snapped. His body was vibrating, but not with fear, AJ realized. With temper. “He can’t stand that AJ and I are close so he’s trying to split us apart.”
“He? He, who?”
“His names Zach and he’s a stalker. He’s been stalking me for a while now. I won’t have you sitting here acting like this is nothing, like AJ did this to himself, because it’s not true! Zach won’t hesitate to hurt him! He already hurt me and I’m the one he wants. Can’t you see how much more dangerous he is for those I care about?”
Those words seemed to deflate Brian slightly. He took a deep, shuddering breath, obviously trying to bring himself back under control. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet yet firm. “I will not answer questions about that, I’m telling you now. I refuse, and you can’t force me to. But now you know that AJ isn’t lying. So stop acting like he’s relapsed and show some compassion.”
He was stiff when he took his seat beside AJ again. AJ, on the other hand, felt like his heart was soaring. The biggest part was due to the fact that Brian had stood up and spoke his mind before six other men, and he’d held his own in it too. The other part celebrated to hear Brian defend him that way. It made him feel good. Special. Yet at the same time he hated that this had caused Brian to have to tell people the one thing he didn’t want to say.
Kevin cleared his throat. “You heard Brian. No questions on this topic. Now, is there anything else you need to ask AJ?”
For a moment the three reps conferred quietly amongst themselves. It was the lawyer who turned back and asked the next question. “We need to know what else happened. We have rumors that you disappeared into a quiet room for an hour or so. Is there anything that happened in there that we need to be warned about?”
Sweet Jesus. He’d hoped, prayed, there’d be some way he could get past telling this part. Some way he could get away with pretending that it had never happened. But, of course, that wasn’t to be. He’d have to tell it all. Once again he’d be bearing his most shameful moments to those that he cared about. How would his friends look at him now? Being high, being drunk, only excused so much.
AJ’s hand clenched onto Howie’s without him realizing it. His other hand fisted in the pocket of his sweater. He kept his eyes closed tight as he said the words that would damn him. “Zach made sure I was high enough, drunk enough, that I didn’t question anything. But that doesn’t excuse anything. He had a hooker waiting in the room. I think the man’s name was Coco.”
The nausea came back. He couldn’t stop it. Like a hard ball it sat in his throat. This was the hardest part, by far. This, he hadn’t even told Brian yet. “While we…while he and I were, well…I think Zach had a camera. I remember flashes. A bright light going off every now and again. I think he took pictures of…of Coco and I.”
Pictures. The thought of that was too much. AJ couldn’t handle just sitting there anymore. He couldn’t do it. With a muffled curse he flew off the couch and made a beeline straight for the bathroom. No one stopped him.
Somehow he made it to the toilet in enough time. He dropped heavily to his knees, ignoring the pain that echoed in them from the impact to the hard floor, and then he was clenching the toilet seat in his hands as he heaved. In the back of his mind he couldn’t help but wonder how many times this was going to happen. Not the throwing up. The fucking up. How many times was he going to fuck up?
This time the consequences were so much worse. This time it threatened to hurt Brian and nothing was worse than that. Nothing could make him hurt more. Zach had aimed his attack well.
By the time his stomach was empty, he realized he could hear voices. He didn’t have the strength to do anything about it. He didn’t even have the strength to reach up and flush the toilet. All he could do was slump back against the side of the tub. One voice stood out above the others, though he couldn’t understand it. He recognized the tone, though. That was Brian. An angry Brian, at that.
Maybe at a different time things might have made sense. Right then, none of it did. In the privacy of that bathroom, AJ gave himself over to the fear inside his heart. What was he going to do now? What on earth was going to happen? The others would think differently of him now. They’d look at him and see someone who could easily be manipulated into doing anything by simply putting something in his drink. Someone who, with no more excuse than some drugs and some alcohol, banged a hooker and wasn’t even positive if he knew the man’s name or if they’d been protected. He was pretty damn sure they had been. There were memories that he swore he saw a condom in.
The noise outside the bathroom grew louder. A small whimper slid past AJ’s lips as the sound made his head throb. He curled his knees up, resting his head on them, grateful that no one had been in the bathroom with him to hear that whimper. That would have just been icing on the cake. None of them needed to see him at his most pathetic.
He pressed his forehead harder against his knees, his hands coming around his legs and gripping tightly into his pants. Come on he told himself. Snap out of this. Sitting here sulking doesn’t do a damn thing. You’ve been here before. You’ve done this. He can’t break you. You break, he wins. You break, Brian hurts. Is that what you want?
The pep talk gave him enough strength to sit up a little. To reach up and flush the toilet. From there he grabbed the edge of the toilet and levered himself up to his feet. His legs shook underneath him, but they held. One shaky step, then another. He stopped at the sink to rinse the foul taste from his mouth.
Lifting his head, he looked at his reflection in the mirror. It took every effort he had not to wince when he pulled the sunglasses off and dropped the hood down. But he held his own gaze firmly. All morning long he’d been reacting emotionally. Reacting from the broken part of his heart. That wasn’t going to get him anywhere. No, he had to come at this from a different route.
So, with a practiced eye, he analyzed his reflection. Bags under his eyes were pretty heavy. They’d take a couple days to disappear. The redness to his eyes would take some sleep and a little Visine to clear up. He lifted his chin a little, looking down his neck. No hickeys, thank God. Later he’d check the rest of him for more marks.
His nose was bright red. Even now he had to resist the urge to reach up and rub at it. That was something he knew how to deal with. That was to be expected. Just as the itching that ran over every inch of him was. Pulling back his sleeves, AJ winced as he looked at his arms. Shit. It was a good thing Howie had stopped him from scratching. On his right arm there were three welts and one long scratch in his skin. That was the danger of the itching. You could scratch your skin off and barely realize it.
All in all, he’d come away worse from a binger before. That was what he forced himself to think about. He’d come away plenty worse before. This, this was nothing. It was pitiful. This Zach fucker thought he could break him with this? Thought that he could use this to win? He had no idea what he was up against.
Yeah, the opinions of other people were going to hurt. When this hit the press it was going to make life hell for him. But the most important opinion, the one that could make or break him, had already been cast. Brian wasn’t judging him. He wasn’t angry with him, or hurt, or anything like that. In fact, Brian was defending him in a way he hadn’t even been able to do for himself! Brian was showing more spirit at this than he had for days and days now.
The bathroom door cracked open, the loud voices filling the bathroom for the moment that it took for someone to slide in. AJ winced at the sound, but he kept his spine straight. When he looked over he saw that it was Howie who had come in and who was quietly closing the door now.
When he turned around, the look he wore was one of sympathy. “Hey, Age.” He said softly. Thank God Howie knew how to talk around him right then. He’d been around AJ plenty of times and knew how snarly he could turn when his was hung-over or withdrawing. Though, AJ admitted to himself, he hadn’t been his usual self so far. No, he’d been moping and whining. Disgust curled his lip. Since when was he the type to whine and mope?
“Age?” Howie’s voice was hesitant. He stepped forward, moving to stand beside AJ. One hand came up and rested on AJ’s shoulder. “You ok?”
AJ looked back at his reflection again. “Yeah.” He said. A familiar light came back into his eyes. “Yeah, I think I am.”
A corner of Howie’s mouth quirked. “Managements in for it, isn’t it?”
“Depends.” Turning, AJ looked at his best friend. “Is that them out there, yelling at Brian?”
“Yep.”
“Then yeah, they’re in for it.”
Soft laughter came from Howie. He squeezed AJ’s shoulder. “What changed, J? I mean, when you came in here you looked so miserable. At the risk of being yelled at or incurring bodily harm, you looked broken.”
AJ snorted, then winced at the pain it caused. Leave it to Howie to be a smart ass, even in this kind of a situation. But his question was an honest one. AJ kept staring at his reflection, not seeing the bathroom door open slightly. He didn’t notice the face that peeked in, looking at him and Howie.
“I was, a little bit.” He admitted finally. “But, I was sitting here listening to Brian yelling out there and thinking about how he’d stood up for me. Lately he hasn’t even been able to stand up for himself, but he stood up for me today in so many ways. I don’t know if anyone else realizes how big that is.”
“We do.” Howie whispered. He moved his head, resting it against AJ’s shoulder. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the crack in the bathroom door. Saw Brian’s face and smiled to himself.
AJ still hadn’t noticed. He was still staring at his reflection but his thoughts were more internal. “He’s such a strong person even if he doesn’t realize it half the time. With everything that’s happened to him, well, he’s been so strong. He doesn’t see it, but I do. Then this shit happens and I was so scared he was going to turn away from me. He would have had every right. But he didn’t. He stuck by my side, D. He’s supporting me and defending me. If I sit in here and cower and whine, I’m not doing him much justice, or myself. If he can stand up to them for me then so can I.”
Howie forgot all about Brian for the moment. He just watched AJ’s face. “You really do love him, don’t you?” he murmured.
“Yes.” Was AJ’s simple, straightforward answer. Saying it gave him even more strength. “I do.”
The bathroom door shut quietly, unnoticed by either of the occupants.