There had been few and rare times when Aj had let himself break down like that in front of everyone else; he could count them on his fingers and he doubted that he could come close to ten. But, in that single moment, nothing else mattered: days and days full of trying to be the strong one, forcing down every little fears and doubts because someone else was depending on him, had finally take its toll. Inside those sobs he poured out everything, feeling finally free to just let out without a care or worrying about depending on someone that couldn’t even hold himself up.
Micheal’s arms were anchors that grounded him to the reality. It was over, that nightmare was finally over and it was all because of Brian. Gosh, if it was possible, he loved his angel even more than before.
“What do you mean he saved himself?” Micheal’s question helped him to come down from the rollercoaster of emotions still gripping him. The man’s arms were still wrapped around him, a fatherly soothing pattern up and down his back, calming nerves that were all jittery not only from all the drama in the past hours.
So Aj recalled everything, from the moment he found out Zach’s house through his encounter with him until he finally found out where Brian was, all alone lost in the woods. “He did it all by himself, Micheal. Zach was chained to the bed when I got in.” He finished, the anger that his tale brought back again helped him to center himself. Anger was good, that was what he had always told Brian every time he had been about to collapse into guilt: anger gave him energies and strength, focus on what was really important instead than dwelling into what Brian must had done to get a chance like that. He looked over Micheal’s face and saw what probably was showing in his own eyes: the light of pride and amazement towards that man who couldn’t believe in his own strength.
“I’ve always knew that Brian was a strong guy but... – Micheal’s voice cracked with the emotion beneath it, a shimmer of unleashed tears in his eyes as they travelled towards the place where Brian had been placed while waiting for the ambulance. - ... this goes beyond it.”
Aj couldn’t agree more. Had he been afraid that Brian couldn’t survive being held by Zach, his heart didn’t fail to estimate how tough was his faith. It never broke, it never failed to lift Brian whenever he was down and, now, it didn’t fail him through the hardest time. “I didn’t do much for him. He didn’t only save himself, he saved everyone else. He saved me.”
A simple nod as a reply, another hug and then Aj could see the change into the Micheal professional. “I know you want to be with him but... can you tell him exactly where the house is? I want to make sure that peace of shit root in jail before Brian would be released.”
Aj gave him the address and soon Micheal was out from the house, a phone connected to his ears as he shouted orders. He finally registered that they had been brought inside the Littrell’s house and people were crowding the living room: everyone was talking, some were outside waiting for the ambulance but most of them were gathered around the couch. He just hoped that they weren’t making Brian freak out, God only knew how he was reacting mentally. God only knew if this had been the last straw to his mind. The fact that Zach was going to be only a memory didn’t mean that it was over. Truly, it was far from over but finally they could only focus into healing.
He was about to go over and take his spot near Brian when Kevin came over him, clothes in his hands. “I know you’re probably still angry at me and... you have every right. But... you’re all wet and you can catch something and who would be there with Brian if you’re in bed with a cold?”
It was an awkward moment, maybe because both of them had a hard time when it came to realize a fault and ask for forgiveness. It had always been like that, back when Kevin wanted to keep everyone under control and he would only wanted to live his life the way he wanted. And back when drugs and alcohol took control of his mind, he found in Kevin his enemy, the one that was always trying to ruin his fun. In that past, he couldn’t recognize how much the older one had been worried to death about losing someone close to him once again and being that angry was his only reaction. Still... Aj couldn’t pass over the fact that he could prevent all of this, he could prevent Brian going over to the enemy and put himself in danger. Hell, they still could lose him if that damn ambulance didn’t arrive!
He could still lose him.
That thought was enough to stop every aching inside him, nothing physical could really come close to the stab at his heart when he thought about losing Brian. It wasn’t even conceivable, not now that he had become such an indivisible part of himself.
“Thanks.” He took the clothes from Kevin and started getting changed, didn’t caring about doing it in front of everyone. He just wanted to get it over quickly so he could reassure himself that Brian was still fighting. Nothing would stand between them, he didn’t care at all. A pair of jeans, a long sleeved shirt and a sweater... a Brian’s sweater, it filled him with his perfume. He inhaled it deeply, just smelling it made him feel better.
“He doesn’t let us close. – Kevin said once Aj was done changing. – Not even Jackie.”
“All of those people around him... he’s scared, hurt and tired.” And maybe even worse. He added mentally. And then, just like it had been summoned, a tiny sound made its way through the other voices. “Alex?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was all confused all around him.
Was he still in the woods? No, it couldn’t be. There was no rain, no thunders and a warm temperature that seemed like heaven. He thought harder, trying to recall the last images. It hurt but he needed to do it, he needed to know if he was safe or if Zach had been able to get him back.
No, no Zach. Alex had found him and then brought him back home. Oh, right, that was where he was. Home.
Alex.
He did it. The fear that he couldn’t save him, the fear that something bad was still holding his love back in the hospital, it disappeared and was replaced with relief. His kind words, the love sweeping through them, had been the only thing that had made its way through the fog surrounding his brain. It was the only thing that mattered now, it was the only distraction that could chase away any other memory. He wanted nothing more to forget everything and moving on.
Sleep.
How tempting it was? Too much, he had fought it for what seemed an eternity. Always like that, while Alex seemed to be able to sleep through everything, he was the opposite: when things got rough, sleep wouldn’t come no matter how exhausted he felt. Or, because he’d always been too much active and sleeping seemed wasting precious hours of working or just doing something.
Now he just wanted nothing more to sleep, cuddled up inside Alex’s arms.
Alex.
Where was he? Panic pushed away the relief, forcing his eyes to snap open and dart around him: shapes and colors were all mixed together but, although all blurred, he could see that Alex wasn’t near him. No, other people were all around him, talking, speaking and questioning him. What were they saying? He couldn’t grasp their words and, sincerely, he didn’t even want it. He just wanted Alex. Why wasn’t him by his side? Oh, he should have known! He should have known better than Alex wouldn’t want to be near him after what he had done.
Hands and arms were suddenly reaching out for him but he shrieked back, getting himself away and away from them. No, no, no... they couldn’t touch him, they couldn’t...
Alex?
Maybe he didn’t deserve it, he wasn’t worth being held and comforted but... wouldn’t it hurt if he did it for the last time? Just enough to fall asleep, just enough to forget what happened and why everything hurt.
“Alex?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian was sitting on the couch, in the same position he had found him back in the woods, a defensive posture which broke his heart by watching how he was still afraid and terrified if he felt the need to protect himself even in his own home. But, under the bright light, he could finally see the damages done to his body and the rage couldn’t be stopped, along with the desire to stop Micheal and finish himself what he had started back in the woods. If he had known… no, he didn’t need to dwell on that. Focus on Brian, him and only him. A deep breath, his eyes closed to clear his mind from vicious images of how he could have torture Zach, and then he found himself calmer. First thing, he needed to check himself his injuries and what he could do before the ambulance was there: Brian was still dressed with the wet clothes, only a shirt and some short that didn’t cover the already black and blue bruises that marked his skin. Thankfully, there weren’t any open wounds aside from the one on his left temple. Last, even from his position, Aj could see the way the trembles shook the small frame. That was something he could take care of and, looking over to the people standing in circle over the couch, he noticed that it was what Jackie had thought too, since she held a pile of blankets between her arms. Taking them from her, he walked over Brian.
“Bri, come on, let’s get you warm a little.” He whispered as he wrapped the first blanket around him. Brian flinched a little, his body tensing up until he recognized the voice and the arms around him. He relaxed into the hug, loosened up and let himself being enveloped in another blanket. They didn’t do much for the ice cold running through his veins but it did help in relaxing him, the sleepiness more forceful into making its way.
“Can I sleep?” With Alex beside him, there was no need for him to keep open his eyes, alert if something dangerous would appear. He was half lying on Alex’s body, his legs stretched out but still not long enough to touch the floor but, at least, that position brought some relief on the flames that surrounded his stomach. If he slept, he wouldn’t feel the pain and that seemed like heaven.
A hand, a mild warm hand, stroked his cheek. “Oh no, baby. Not yet. You have to stay awake a little bit more.” The other one was on his back, travelling up and down before going over his arm, in an attempt to warm him more.
“I’m tired.”
“I know. Just a little, until we get you in the hospital.”
“I don’t wanna go. – Brian whined, nuzzling his face against Aj’s neck. – I don’t like hospitals.”
“I know, baby. But we don’t wanna anything to happen to that nice brain that you’ve got.”
A little laughter trickled the back of his throat but getting it out meant using energies he didn’t have. “So you’re keeping me only for my brain?”
“Of course. – Aj replied, placing a kiss at the top of his hair. – I’ve got the body and you’re the mind. We make the perfect couple.”
They fell in a comfortable silence, in the distance the alternating ringing announced the arrival of the ambulance. “Just a little more. Then you can sleep.” Aj coached him, pulling Brian back from falling asleep.
Brian blinked once, twice, his eyes failing to get Aj in focus. So he left them closed. “I’m sorry, Alex.”
“What for?”
“For everything. I didn’t want to do it but it was... and then I had to come back to you... make sure you were alright...” Brian’s words were all confusing, illogically linked together just like he was letting them out as soon as they hit his mind. Aj thought it was probably due to the head injury and the panic. Still, he baffled him how Brian could believe that he could be angry for what he must had done to save himself. Yes, he was angry but his rage was directed towards the one that was responsible for everything. How could he be mad at Brian?
“Sh... I’m alright only because of you. I won’t ever be angry at you. Not for this.”
“But...”
“No buts.”
There were other objections Aj could come up with but the sirens were finally closer. No matter how much he wanted to hear and know what happened back in that house, so he could have an indestructible reason for killing that bastard. And then... then, so out of blue, he found himself looking straight to Brian’s eyes, clearer that had been in a long time. Last time he had been able to lose himself like that, those oceans were clouded by the lies to keep him safe. Not now: just like the sky, they were about the brightest blue he had ever seen, a different light that he had seen only once, though it had been dimmer and paler. Now it was shining and his heart nearly burst off from his chest even before the words left Brian’s lips.
“I love you, Alex.”
It was so soft, so low and so crocked that no one couldn’t hear, no matter how close they were. Those words were meant for Aj and Aj only, for much strength he had to use so they would come out clearly, without fears or pain tainting the raw and pure honesty beneath them. Brian needed to say them, needed to make Alex understand how that emotion had carried him through everything and to the place he was now. Only his arms he could accept to feel, only his lips were meant to touch him: beside him, inside and be wrapped around those arms, that was the only place where he felt like his normal self, the one that didn’t have to hide because it hurt so bad. Maybe, that particular moment wasn’t the best or the most romantic for a confession like that but... but after being away, forced to do things he didn’t want to think over again, and with the fear that Alex was dead nagging inside his soul day after day... how could he let another second passing by without telling him? Without making sure that he knew what he felt for him? It was the least he could do and it never felt so right like in that moment.
Commotion inside the room brought back both Brian and Aj: the ambulance had parked in front of the porch and two paramedics were inside. Aj didn’t let go of Brian yet, although it would had been impossible seeing how tightly Brian’s hands were holding onto him. Truth was that even Aj didn’t want to let go of him. Thankfully, Kevin were talking to them, probably telling them what happened and how Brian wasn’t letting no one but Aj to touch him.
The one that approached them was a girl, not too older than Brian and with a smile that convey a compassionate soul. She didn’t stand too close but kneeled so she could look over Brian. “Hey there, I’m Kathy and you must be Brian, right?”
Aj felt Brian nodding against his chest as the boy pulled himself closer, like he believed that someone was going to keep them apart. And Kathy must had sensed the same feeling, since she hurried saying that she just wanted to make sure he was okay enough that he didn’t need the stretcher to go over the ambulance.
“I didn’t hurt my back.” Brian admitted, a part of his mind already knowing why she was asking that.
“That’s good to hear. – Kathy replied, showing a smile. - Can you walk over or do you need a hand?”
A wave of shame rushed through Brian, knowing perfectly that he couldn’t do it on his own: he was still trying to fight the sleepiness and there was no way he could be able to support himself, not when every bone weighted more than it should. But before he could say something, anything to show his embarrassment to be that weak, he found himself being lift up. Opening his eyes, squeezing them to focus on only one Alex. “Thanks.”
“You don’t weight too much which reminds me that I’ve gotta to fat you up when we’ll be home.”
A memory of what happened in the house tried to arise but Brian managed to get it as under as he could, focusing his attention to one word. “Home? I like that.”
“Good. ‘Cause I’m not leaving you alone even for a minute.”
Brian’s reply got lost inside his mind. Though admitting his feelings, there was still much that didn’t allow him to be the careless guy he had been before. But Alex was his anchor, he was the only one he wanted by his side but... his thoughts went lost, snapped around from a pang of pain from his rib. Or ankle. Or whatever else was hurting. And he was cold, colder than he had been, maybe because he was still inside his wet clothes.
Before he knew, Aj had managed to get him inside the ambulance and before he could start a protest about wanting, not, demanding to have him by his side, there he sat where he wouldn’t be in the way, a hand secured around his.
“Brian, can you tell me where are you hurt? - Kathy asked as she started taking his vitals: his blood pressure was a little on the low side, along with his temperature. Next, she put her stethoscope and, just as he was used to, Brian started to breathe deeply but couldn’t help the wince when the movement hurt his rib. – What’s wrong?”
“M rib. I... I think one of them is broken.”
“Can I look it?” Kathy asked before even putting a hand on the blankets. Aj shot her a look of gratitude before reverting his eyes towards Brian. Brian who now had his eyes lowered and an expression that he had seen not long after the rape: his jaw clenched tightly, the same shade of humiliation written all over his features.
“Hey, baby... look at me. We’re almost there and then you can sleep, okay?” The distraction offered by Aj did its trick: Brian’s face turned towards him as he nodded briefly.
“Alex... your face. – Brian murmured brokenly, letting go of Aj’s hand and placing his upon his face, his fingers tracing every little cut. – You’re hurt.”
Aj smiled, leaning against that hand. “Just some cuts, don’t worry. – he reassured him. – So, where do you wanna go once this will be over?” He asked then, trying to take his mind off from what the paramedics was doing.
“The ocean. I... Me and Nick, we always went to his house when we were off from the tour. I never... never realized how relaxing and...” Brian trailed off, wincing as Kathy pressured a hand onto his stomach.
“Yep, it’s definitely broken, even though only a RX could verify it.”
Before more question were asked, Brian went on saying every little things, not once tearing away his gaze from Aj, gathering strength. “I probably twisted my ankle and I’ve got some bruises. The worst is my head.”
“How did you hurt it?”
“I fell. – Brian recalled even though it was hard to remember those moments. They were flashes of images all blurred together. What he couldn’t forget what his own terror, the fear kept inside him that it was all over. – Hit the rail and the pavement. He... he... probably hit me once more but I’d already blacked out.”
Aj gripped Brian’s hand, fighting the desire to stop that ambulance and beat up that bastard. Not now, no, Brian needed him.
“How long were you out?”
“I don’t remember. It’s all blurred. I don’t know how long I had been there, days were... all together.”
“Four days, Bri. You’ve been there four days.”
Four days? It surely didn’t feel like that, time had passed so slowly that it felt like it passed only a day, two at least. Not four. Four were... four were insane, how did he manage to get through them?
“Any other symptoms? Dizziness, nausea, trouble with your vision?”
“No nausea but... yes... and I’m cold. So cold. And tired.” With that last word, Brian closed his eyes, ready to finally go to sleep. He couldn’t keep staying awake, his body and mind were allying together to bring him down into the darkness.
“Ehi, ehi... we’re almost there...” Alex’s words sounded so far away, someone was shaking him but he fell deeper into unconsciousness.
“M’so... tired...”
There were others voices rushed, panicked but Brian didn’t hear anymore. He held on as long as he could, more than he thought he was able to. But he couldn’t do it anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first time Aj had been in that hospital, he had been scared, yes, but Brian was there with him. He had been the strong one, though he could share his own fear about Nick’s well-being. From that time, all started to crumple down and now, sitting on a stretcher while was being visited, he couldn’t help to think over it again and again, realizing that it had been the start of everything. If he could turn back time, he would have done something different... something, anything to prevent that kind of ending.
“I’m pretty confident that those cuts won’t scar, it would be such a shame ruining this beautiful face.”
Oh, if he hadn’t been that worried about Brian, he would have sure replied back to the young female doctor that was cleaning his cuts. But how he could joke when the love of his life was somewhere in that hospital and he didn’t know how he was?
“Your feet would take some time to heal, just be sure to clean and apply the medication on the wounds every day and they shouldn’t scar.” She kept on saying while removing her gloves.
Her words went lost to Aj. As if he would care about himself while Brian was in hospital.
“Since you’ve been just released from the hospital, I’m going to admit you only for tonight, just to be sure that you don’t have a relapse. – She added, before turning around and giving him a well knowing glance. – And that way you’ll be close to your man. I’ve got the feeling we won’t be able to tear you apart from him easily.”
“Is that obvious?”
“You’re not the first. Although I admit that I’m kinda bummed. Brian had always been my star crush.”
This time, he couldn’t help the laughter. Gosh, it felt good to release some of the worry though that. “Yes, he did this thing to a lot of girls.”
She patted a hand on his tight. “He’s tough. Although I don’t all the details, some basic truth had been leaked and... even if cases like that aren’t big news, we’ve seen a lot of guys going through a rape. He’s reacting a lot better than the average patient. Now, why don’t you rest a little? It’s going to be long before Brian would be out from the Emergency Room and there is no need for you to end up worse than he is.”
“I...” Aj tried to object but the young girl didn’t let him go on.
“I can slip in some sedative. I promise that as soon as he’s out, someone would come and get you.”
“Promise?”
“Promise. Now, doctor’s order and sleep a little.”
The lights were turned off and, though he hadn’t believed he could, Aj found himself drifting on sleeping, minutes and hours slipping into others until someone started to shake him awake.
“Jay? Come on, wake up! You’re gonna beat me up if I don’t wake you up like now.” Howie. Hell, the one that was still afraid about his threats back when they used to room together and he was the one that had to wake him up.
He slowly opened his eyes, a little confused about his surrounding until all the event of the day came down onto him. “Brian!” he exclaimed as he tried to sit up.
“Relax, relax. – Nick helped him to lie down. – That’s why we woke you up.”
“Is he okay? Where is he?”
Another voice, a deep voice that didn’t belong to anyone he knew, made its way through the fog that still hazed around his brain. “One question at time, Mr. McLean.”
His vision clearer, Aj saw that everyone had been gathered inside his room: Nick was sitting on the end of his bed, Howie and Kevin on the other side of the room and lastly Brian’s parents. They had all waited for him. “How is he?”
“We’re still doing some exams but things could have been much worse. He sustained a moderate brain injury but, luckily, any tests we performed excluded brain damages, neither bleeding nor intracranial pressure. We’re gonna keep him in observation all night, just in case something happen but I’m quite optimistic about the outgoing.”
Relief. That was the only emotion he could feel as he repeated those words inside his head. “So... he’s gonna be okay?”
“In the long run, yes. Many symptoms such as headache, migraine, dizziness and trouble with his vision will last for months but within the year they would disappear or appeared only in case of stress. What we are worried about now is his temperature. We’re trying to raise it up but there is the risk of infection and I’m not quite sure his immune defenses are strong enough to fight it off smoothly. That’s another reason why we’re keeping him under control in the I.C.U.”
Infection, cold, fever and pneumonia. And if Aj had the time, he could come up with a lot more complications. “Anything else?” Kevin asked.
“Minor cuts that we cleaned, a broken rib and a sprained ankle.”
Aj hated himself for bringing it up but everyone needed to know so they could help Brian when he was going to be awake. Only Brian knew what happened in that house, maybe he wouldn’t even remembered. “Have you… Did you take a rape test?”
No one seemed to be shocked, only Brian’s mom couldn’t help the sob that echoed in the silenced room.
“Yes. Due to the circumstances, we’re obligated to do it but we waited when Brian was out. It came out negative, there is no evidence of violence.”
Everyone let out the breath they had hold until that moment.
“Wait a minute, so he was conscious?”
“For a little while, yes. But he panicked as soon as he saw a lot of people around him so we opted to sedate him before he hurt himself. That’s the reason why we’re gonna make an exception and have you rooming with him. You’re the only one who he trusts enough to let you closer and he doesn’t need the panic on top of everything he had to deal with.”
“What are we waiting for then?” Aj asked. He didn’t need to be there, talking about cure or whatever else the doctor wanted to discuss. He needed to see Brian, he needed to be there before he woke up and thought that no one was there for him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cold.
Ice frozen fingers gripped tightly around his bones, sinking so down that it was a wonder that they hadn’t broken already. Instead, the freeze had made its way through the veins and arteries, the red river flowing had been turned in frozen pieces, shivers that rose inside the skin and then came out from it.
Warm. Hot.
High flames started to burn, melting the ice inside his body. He thought it could be heaven, no more shivering, no more trembling... instead, the fire didn’t seem to stop after doing its job, it didn’t falter and diminish until it was only dust. No, no luck, it grew stronger and stronger until Brian couldn’t think of everything else if not the flames that surrounded his body and his mind.
It was a never ending circle: first the cold then the flames and it would start all over again.
Cold. Ice. Warm. Hot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aj couldn’t sleep. Though he was beyond simply tired, though sleeping would meant giving his mind a moment of rest, a time when he wouldn’t think about what happened and what could had happened. He wasn’t fond on dwelling about possibilities and such, the main and most important thing was that Brian was back, safe and sound and far away from Zach.
Instead, he just stared to the man lying in the bed across the room, the steady beating coming from the heart monitor never had been such a harmonious melody.
He is okay. He’s okay. That was what he kept saying, like a mantra. But he couldn’t stop the worrying, he couldn’t stop the fear. How he could? When he first entered in the room, he thought that they had made a mistake, surely that lump inside the bed wasn’t Brian, it couldn’t be the same man who had been able to escape from his tormentor all by himself and held himself together through everything.
Now he looked like everything had been drained from him, a frail rose that could shatter with only a single touch. He had witnessed Brian breaking down, hell, he had been there by his side through every single one, but still, underneath the tears and the cries, his strength had always been there, pulling him back on his feet every time. At the moment, instead, he looked like a little child, lying down on a bed that seemed too big for him, with machines and tubes that scared him. I can’t lose him.
At first, he thought he was imaging hearing sounds. Brian was asleep, as deep as he could with the help of sedative, not too heavy because they were still monitoring him for his head injury. But the moaning and the whimpers grew stronger and stronger along with a wheezing sound every time Brian took a breath.
Without even caring about his feet, Aj jumped off from the bed and quickly patted over the other bed: Brian was twisting around the blankets, lips pinched together, the rosy shade of the cheeks was a sharp contrast with the white of paleness.
A simple hand of the forehead told him that Brian was burning up with fever. He didn’t waste time, he reached over and pushed the button to call the nurses as he settled down to try to comfort the man. He didn’t even know if he could listen to him or not, it didn’t matter.
“Help is coming baby, just calm down. It’s gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay. Think about the ocean, think about us... just don’t give up.”
Nurses, doctors rushed in. Never Aj let go of Brian’s hand and never had he stopped talking to him, coaching him like he had done in the woods. They made it out together and together they would make it once again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lightening. The sound of the rain hitting the glass of the window. The wind blowing outside, shaking trees and shouting angry words no one couldn’t understand. Then, the thunders. Loud strikes that shook him awake, bolting out from the dreamless sleep he had managed to fall in.
For a moment, he was surprised to feel nothing, they must have given him some pretty heavy painkillers if he wasn’t feeling anything at all, neither the little aches and soreness that affected him before blocking out. He balanced his eyes to the blackness of the room, wondering why it seemed much bigger than he thought it was. Still, it was empty. No one was there for him, no one was holding his hand knowing how much he hated being there. They all left him alone, unbelievable! He should have known it After all, who would willingly stand by his side after all? They must had known what he had done, they must had found out that he had tried to pleasure Zach and let him doing things neither Nick had done to him. He couldn’t condemn them, how disgusted they must were... so they left him alone.
The first sob started to prevail, as a shiver rumble along with the thunder. He felt like that little child left all alone in a hospital, forgotten by everyone and forced to hide in a bathroom because he had this insanity idea that the thunders could got him since his bed was so close to the window. Would it be ridiculous for him to do the same thing years and years after?
“You aren’t alone, my love.”
That voice! His head turned towards the direction of that sound but the room was too black to see who was speaking. There was only a shadow of a man, a figure standing tall beside the end of the bed. A lightning stroke and, beneath that white light, the only thing he could made out were white teeth and blonde, too blonde hair.
Air began to feel constricted inside his chest, the realization that his nightmare wasn’t over took its weight and seemed to place it upon him, making every breath too painful to be made.
“What... please... don’t...” He didn’t even know what to say, what to plead or beg. He knew, deep inside, that no words would be able to stop Zach.
“You left me alone. You ran away from me. You know what I have to do, now. I told you.” How he managed Brian didn’t know, but the man was up on the bed, straddling him and sitting with legs on each side of his body. No matter how hard he struggled, he couldn’t move anymore.
“Alex...” the name left his lips so brokenly. He didn’t deserve to be saved once more, his love didn’t deserve to bring him back into the void of his nightmares.
Knees were now on his chest, pressing his body to the mattress. It hurt, God it hurt! That weight pushed hard, constricting his lung and making it impossible to breathe on a normal rate.
“Oh, he cannot be here. And you wanna know why?”
The fear mashed itself together with the weight as he tried once more to free himself but it seemed that Zach held him with so much power that he would never win that struggle. Arms seemed to be everywhere, holding him down, caressing, soothing...
“I’ve killed him.” The cruelty of those words was hidden in a soft whisper, lips pronouncing them so close to his ear that he could feel the hot breath. Tears welled up and then escaped from his eyes, leaving a cold trail down his hot face.
“No, no, no... leave him alone... leave me alone...”
Bri! Bri, I’m here. Hush, calm down.
Wasn’t that cruel? Being damned to hear that sweet voice that had been silenced because of him. His own faults. “Alex... I’m so sorry...”
Something cold was placed on his forehead, he felt it against the flames burning still and almost cried out for the relief. Fresh air around him, almost too suffocating as he sobbed for what he had lost as the man that ruined his life was still in the room, words that were too whispered to understand.
“Leave him alone... Alex... Don’t leave me...”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aj bit his lip as he took away the washcloth, put him inside the basin full of ice and water, before replacing it on Brian’s forehead. His fever was still high, too high to wait for the antibiotics to kick in, and had been like that all night long, from the moment he realized that something was wrong and called his doctor. God, thanks that they had let him with Brian, what would have happened if he was left all alone? Practically, he knew that nurses were constantly monitoring him, so they would know immediately that something wasn’t alright.
Pneumonia. It was expected, that was what Brian’s doctor had said, but still it was heartbreaking witnessing how miserable and in pain the man he loved was. It wasn’t mostly because of the rattling and wheezing sound he made with every breath and it wasn’t because of how the shivers and trembles wouldn’t stop, no matter how many blanket he had wrapped around. No, the hardest thing to do was sitting beside him and listening to his delirious words, although muffled by the mask of oxygen he wore.
No matter how many times he repeated to him that he was here, where else he could be, Brian didn’t even seem to acknowledge him. With an almost hoarse voice, he kept his litany, brokenly asking to not leave him alone or to leave someone else alone. And, between them, it was his name that he kept calling, sometimes with so much desperation that Aj would had cried because he wasn’t able to reassure him that he was there.
Finally, as the first rays of sun painted the sky in an orange shade, the whimpers and the delirium broke down, dragging Brian in a sleep hopefully full of rest. Aj took off the washcloth, smoothing some wet curls away; the fever was still there but it wasn’t as nearly bad as it was some hours before.
The worst was finally over, hopefully. With that thought, he finally let himself relaxing. The toll of the night was getting more and more difficult to fight. He needed to sleep, that he knew and now seemed the best time, now that Brian seemed to be okay. Still, he didn’t want to leave him, even if it was only few meters away. What if he woke up and panicked? He knew he couldn’t, after being separated for so long – even if it had been only four days – even those minutes seemed unbearable.
So, he just settled down better in the recliner, trying to find the most comfortable position possible; he pillowed his head beside Brian’s body and kept a hold on his hand, fingers intertwined together.
Though already on the brink of unconsciousness, he didn’t miss the tiny and small way Brian tightened their tangle. He got the message underneath that grip, something that only Brian could do while fighting over something: it’s okay, rest because I’m gonna stay here. I love you.
As he finally fell asleep, a little smile curved Aj’s lips.