This was just so stupid! Nick couldn’t believe that Brian would ever do something like this to him. They had something special together! They…they loved one another. And yet there was no denying what he had seen. How could that be denied? What was worse, when he’d confronted Brian about it, it had been obvious that his boyfriend was lying about something. Maybe not all of it, but he was covering up something!
A small part of Nick spoke up, telling him that maybe Brian was telling the truth and maybe, just maybe, the part he was keeping quiet was a part that wasn’t his secret to share.
That had Nick pausing. He stood in the middle of his hotel room where he’d been pacing since he’d walked away from Brian. He forced the hurt down. Forced down the instinctual need to defend himself in bad situations. Then he tried to think as clearly as possible. That was what Brian always told him to do. When he got too upset, Brian would tell him to gain control of his emotions, bring himself back to a semblance of calm, and then try to think things through rationally.
It was harder than it sounded. Nick had always run off of his emotions, no matter what they were. He was an outspoken, boisterous person. What he felt, he felt intensely. There were no halfway measures. It meant for a very passionate life, but it also got him in a lot of hot water. Brian told him that he reacted too impulsively and that was what got him in trouble.
“You just need to learn how to control your emotions so they don’t control you.” Brian had told him once, that sweet little smile curving his lips that Nick had always loved. The same smile that set the butterflies to fluttering in his stomach. “I love the fact that you feel things so strong, Nick, and I wouldn’t change you for the world. Don’t think that I don’t love you for you. This is just something that everyone has to learn at some point in their life. I did too, once.”
There were moments like that when Nick was reminded that Brian was not only older than him, but wiser as well. More often than not the two didn’t really pay any attention to their age difference. But sometimes Brian would say things or do things that showed Nick the old soul that was inside of him.
Ironically enough, Brian said the same thing about him sometimes. “You’ve got such an old soul, kid.” Brian would tell him and ruffle his hair playfully. “Sometimes I think you’re acting like a kid is just a cover up. Or you trying to make up for your lack of a normal childhood.”
That right there was pegging it. With one sentence, Brian had hit the root of the problem. Nick knew he acted childish and he knew that he was known for being immature and full of pranks. Not many people really seemed to look beyond that. No one except his friends. Even then, no one had looked as deep as Brian had. No one had seen as much of Nick’s heart and soul as Brian.
Brian understood him. He knew that Nick had missed out on quite a bit of childhood. He’d missed out on so much because of a family that was pushing him into show business. In this business you might be able to put on a playful front, but you had to be shrewd on the inside or you were going to get screwed and screwed hard.
Wrapping his arms around his waist, Nick stared around his empty hotel room and felt the ache of being alone. There was no one in the world who looked in him and understood him like Brian did. Who saw all the insecurities, the strength, everything. And who loved him in spite of or because of all of it.
Maybe he had been hasty in yelling at Brian. But it had hurt more than anything in the world to see AJ and Brian in a huge lip lock like that. Who wouldn’t have been upset? A small part of Nick was worried, constantly, that he was going to lose Brian to someone else. He couldn’t stop himself from being afraid that one of these days Brian was going to wake up and realize that he deserved someone different. Someone better.
More than that, Nick couldn’t help but worry sometimes that Brian had a small ‘thing’ for AJ. The two spent a lot of time together, even though AJ and Howie were supposed to be best of friends. It seemed like AJ went to Brian when things were hard more than he went to Howie. Whenever AJ was upset or hurting or so angry he snarled at anyone who went past, Brian was the one to corner him down and talk to him.
When Nick had shyly asked his boyfriend one time what it was that was between AJ and him, Brian had smiled at him and told him that AJ was like his younger brother. “That man has always had to be the strong guy around his house. His dad left and, even though we all know Denise is capable, AJ still seems to feel like he has to take care of her. He’s always been the tough guy. I guess sometimes I just feel, I don’t know, I feel like an older brother trying to look out for his kid brother. I want to make sure he knows he has someone he can go to and not be ashamed to talk about what’s wrong.”
“Kind of like you and me?” It was the closest Nick had been able to bring himself to asking if Brian had feelings for AJ.
It had surprised Nick when Brian had thrown his head back and laughed. When he was done laughing he’d leaned in and given Nick a toe-curling kiss. “Nothing like you and me, honey.” He’d said when he pulled back. “You and I are partners. I don’t look at you as a ‘kid’ anything. I may want to look out for you and be there for you, but not as siblings. More like two halves to a whole. One can’t function without the other.”
No one had ever said anything like that to Nick before. It had been a huge moment for him.
Those words came back to him now, making him bite at his lip. Brian had said that AJ was like a kid brother. Well, brothers exchanged a kiss sometimes, right? Maybe that had been what Nick had seen in the hall. And…it was true. AJ was a person that was all about spontaneous displays of affection to those around him. Sure, he’d never kissed anyone else on the lips. But he was known for kissing a forehead or a cheek or wrapping you in a hug out of nowhere. Maybe, maybe he’d just been really excited and that had been his reaction to something. He had looked pretty thrilled.
A sick feeling started to grow in Nick’s stomach. Had he really overreacted that much? Some of the words he snapped in the hallway came floating back to him now. God. He couldn’t believe he’d said all that to Brian!
Yes, there was still something that Brian was keeping from him. Something he hadn’t been willing to say. But Nick thought now that maybe it was something to do with AJ, a secret of AJ’s. If that was the case, Brian wouldn’t say because he would never betray someone’s confidence like that. It was part of his charm.
The hurt look on Brian’s face came back to haunt Nick now, making his heart throb. He’d hurt Brian. He’d hurt him. God, what kind of a monster was he?
He needed to go talk to him. Right now.
Once the decision was made, Nick wasted no more time. He rushed out of the hotel room, ignoring anyone else in the hallway. There was nothing more important than finding Brian. Where would he go right now?
Pulling out his cell phone, Nick dialed the familiar number. It rang and rang in his ear while he climbed into the elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor. Most likely Brian had gone to walk. He tended to do that when his brain was stressing over something. Walk and think until he felt like his mind was clear again.
“Come on, Bri. Pick up.” Nick muttered.
A moment later the phone switched to voicemail. Nick sighed, watching the numbers going down on the wall. After the beep he spoke “Brian, it’s me. Look, I’m really sorry, ok? I was stupid. Please find me and talk to me. I’m going to walk around and see if I can find you. I’m sorry. I love you.”
He closed his phone right as the doors opened. Where he was going to go, he had no idea. But he knew he couldn’t just sit around and wait for Brian to come and find him. He had to fix this, right now. There was a sense of urgency in him that he didn’t quite understand but couldn’t control.
Rushing across the lobby, Nick hurried outside, intent on looking around and trying to figure out where his boyfriend might have gone.
What he saw made his blood run cold.
There was a crowd gathered around the crosswalk, stopping traffic in all directions. It sounded like people were screaming or crying. Not too far from the crowd was a car parked haphazardly in the middle of the road. For just one single instant, Nick couldn’t bring himself to move. He didn’t want to go see what was happening. Didn’t want to even begin to think about it.
But his feet started moving, almost of their own free will. They carried him closer and closer, faster and faster, until he was running through the group of people. A part of him knew what he was going to find before he even saw it. How, he had no idea. But he knew.
When the crowd broke way and he finally reached the center, the bottom dropped out of Nick’s world.
There lay Brian, in a pool of his own blood, right in the road. One of his legs was bent at a funny angle, as well as one of his arms. Nick almost gagged when he saw bone protruding from Brian’s right forearm. Oh, God. Oh, God. Numerous cuts marred skin that Nick had always found so soft and beautiful. There was a gash on Brian’s head that was bleeding steadily. All of this held Nick frozen. Until he heard Brian’s soft groan.
That sound sent life back into Nick. He was alive. Alive!
The young man darted forward, ignoring the people around him, and he dropped to his knees. “Brian.” He choked out. Oh, God, Brian. Without thought he yanked off his shirt and wadded it up, pressing it to the head wound which seemed to be bleeding the most. “Brian, baby, it’s me. I’m right here.” Nick placed one hand on Brian’s cheek, terrified to touch him anywhere else. Terrified to even move him.
“The ambulance should be here soon.” Someone in the crowd called out to Nick. He heard them but he didn’t respond. All his attention was fixed onto the most beautiful pair of eyes in the world.
Brian had opened his eyes, but they were clouded with confusion and pain. “Nick?” He rasped out.
Tears dripped down Nick’s cheeks, unnoticed. “Yeah, baby, it’s me. You just hold on, ok? Help is coming.”
“It…hurts.”
Nick choked off a sob and bent his head down, pressing a kiss to the tip of Brian’s nose like he’d done thousands of times when they were alone. “I know it hurts, baby. I know. But you just hold on, ok? Just look at me and hold on. I’m right here with you. Everything’s going to be ok.”
A small shudder ran over Brian. He was obviously hurting so much. Nick wanted to scoop him up and hold him close. Try and protect him. But he knew he couldn’t help right now. Moving him was too big of a risk. It could cause too much damage. He had to leave him lying here in the street.
He saw Brian’s eyes start to flutter shut and panic kicked in. “Hey, Brian, don’t you do that. Don’t you dare close your eyes.” He cried. “Come on, look at me. Open those beautiful eyes. Come on now, open up. Look at me. That’s in, there we go. Hi, baby. That’s right, just look at me.”
With Nick’s gentle coaxing, Brian’s eyes slowly opened back up and locked on him. A ragged sound pulled past Nick’s lips; half laugh, half sob. “There we go, baby. There’s those eyes I love so much. You just stick with me, ok?”
“Love…you.”
Those painful words gripped Nick’s heart. “God, baby, I love you too. I’m so sorry, Bri. I’m so sorry I doubted you. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. I never should have yelled at you, baby. I was so stupid.”
Brian took a haggard breath. “It’s…ok….love you.”
Sirens sounded in the distance, growing closer and closer. Brian’s eyes started to flutter again. Panicking, Nick called out to him. “Brian! No, don’t you close them now. The ambulance is coming, baby. You hear those sirens? Just hold on a little bit longer. Come on! Hold on for me!”
Just barely Brian kept his eyes open. The two men locked gazes, holding one another close with their eyes, saying so much without saying anything at all. Nick didn’t even notice the medics coming over until someone was there, trying to push him back. Nick started to panic. He couldn’t leave Brian!
One of the medics took his arm, pulling him to his feet. “Please, sir, we need to work. We need you to step back.”
“Please…please help him. I can’t lose him.” Nick whispered.
The paramedic smiled kindly at him. “That’s what we’re trying to do now.” She said before turning and dropping back to the ground.
Things seemed to happen so quickly after that. They got Brian loaded onto a gurney and so much was going on. All Nick could do was stand there and stare as the one he loved was loaded into the back of the ambulance.
The same paramedic that had helped him to his feet turned to look at him now. “If you want to ride with him, hurry up.” He called out kindly. That was all it took for Nick. He shot over and into the back of the ambulance, taking a seat up by Brian’s head and out of everyone’s way. One of the paramedics was a woman. She looked at Nick and offered him a gentle smile. “Talk to him, it’ll help.”
So that was what Nick did. He talked to Brian the entire ride, stroking a hand gently over his boyfriend’s cheek, trying to keep him calm as the paramedics worked to save his life.