Another day went by in the hospital, seeming to almost fly past for the boys. Having the Littrell’s there was helpful for all of them. The couple had always treated each one of the boys like their own children. That was how they acted now. They went to the hotel at night, but each morning they were there, moving from room to room, visiting them and trying to lift their spirits.
Most especially they tried to lift Nick’s spirits. As one day drifted into two, and two into three, Nick grew steadily more depressed. He hated staring at the walls of his hospital room. He hated being trapped there every single day. Kevin had been released, so he was staying at the hotel with Jackie and Harold, as was Howie now.
Apparently the hospital had tried to release Brian, but he’d put up a fuss about it and Dr. Brand had said that he was keeping him there for ‘observation’. All of them knew what the truth was. Just the suggestion of Brian leaving had been enough to send AJ into a mild panic attack. So, he was being kept there to keep AJ calm. Simple as that.
But this afternoon Brian needed to go and fill out a little paperwork and Jackie and Harold were going to the airport to pick up Denise. On their way out, they’d stopped in to ask Nick if he’d mind sitting with AJ while they all went out and took care of things. Nick agreed, though in his mind he grumbled against it. AJ was a grown man, wasn’t he? He’d be fine on his own.
Privately, Nick admitted to himself that he’d avoided going to visit AJ. He was the only one who hadn’t gone down there yet. He was scared to do it, if he was going to be honest with himself. He was scared to see AJ in that hospital bed, terrified of being in a hospital alone, injured and unable to speak.
Each band member held a special place in Nick’s life. Kevin was like a father figure for all of them, Nick especially. He’d taken the role that Nick’s father didn’t. Brian was like a brother to him. They were closer than any of them on the friendship level. Whenever things went down, Nick knew he could always go to Brian and have a friend to talk to. Someone who loved him like he wished his family did. Howie, well…he loved Howie. There was no other way to describe the bond there. Howie was the love of his life, even if the feeling wasn’t reciprocated.
But AJ, their relationship was a little different. Close in age, the two had bonded like brothers, but it wasn’t the same brotherly relationship that he had with Brian. With Brian it was kind of like they were twin brothers, cut from the same cloth, giving and taking with one another in their friendship, complimenting each other perfectly. With AJ, it was different. Even those they were closest in age, their relationship was more like older brother to younger brother, with AJ being the older.
Though he wouldn’t admit it out loud to anyone, he looked up to AJ. Tried to emulate him in a lot of ways. He wanted to be confident like AJ, not caring what others thought, not worrying about what people had to say to him. When luck was down, AJ just kind of, well, he just squared his shoulders and just pushed on through. Even when he drove Nick crazy, there was still mutual respect and love there.
Whenever Nick was hurt by other people, or by the things that his family did, or by this shit with Howie, the others would try and help him. Brian always knew the things to do to make him smile. Or he’d let Nick talk and vent it out. Kevin would tell him that they were there for him and they loved him and he’d try to help make up for the lack of others. Howie was there to lend a shoulder, to help Nick keep plodding on. But when it was bad, everyone knew that Nick went to AJ. Not because they were best buddies or anything, but because AJ was a solid presence for him.
As Nick wheeled down the hall, he thought about the last Thanksgiving when his family had flown out to his cousin’s house and no one had told him. So he’d gone home and been alone. When he’d got back, he hadn’t wanted to tell anyone what had happened. He hadn’t even told Brian .When they asked him about his holiday he’d simply told them it was fine. Hell, he’d been too embarrassed to say anything and he hadn’t wanted to see their pity.
A few days after they’d come back from the holiday, Nick had gone up to the rooftop of the hotel for some privacy and a little sulking time. He’d been hurt, a lot, by what his family had done and by the fact that they hadn’t even seemed to realize what they’d done.
Not even twenty minutes after he’d perched on the edge of the roof, he heard someone come walking up behind him. He hadn’t bothered turning. It would be one of the guys. They were the only ones who would have got past the security guard that was standing discreetly inside the roof access door, giving Nick privacy yet watching out for him.
AJ had stepped up and sat on the edge of the roof, letting his legs dangle over the edge without even a glance downward. For a few moments the two had sat there in silence. AJ pulled out a cigarette, lighting it lazily and taking a few puffs.
When he flicked his ashes, he spoke suddenly, not even looking over. “So, you’ve been chewing on this since you came back from break. There’s something stuck in your craw and you’re not going to feel any better until you talk about it.”
Unable to stop himself, Nick had scoffed softly. “Who says talking about it makes it better?” He’d asked scornfully. “It doesn’t change the facts.”
“That’s true.” AJ agreed with him. “Nothing changes the past. But if we don’t talk about what bothers us, that just lets the past sit inside us and fester. The wounds don’t heal until we lance them and let the poison drain out.” Then AJ had looked over at him. His gaze had been strong and full of compassion. “Tell me what they did, Nick.”
That simple request had been all it had taken. Nick had unloaded everything. “No one was there when I got home, Age. No one. I thought maybe they were out or something, but no one came back that night, so I was worried when it was morning time. So I called around to see if anyone had heard from any of them. They’d flown out to my cousin’s house.” Furious at it all, Nick had clenched his hands and glared off into the distance. “They knew I was coming. I’d called them the night before to remind them when my flight got in. But they flew out anyways, without waiting for me, without leaving a note. Nothing. Just left me there to spend the holiday alone.”
If it had been Brian, his friend most likely would have said something to try and cheer him up then. Howie would have hugged him, trying to offer compassion and sympathy. Kevin would have hugged him, maybe patted his shoulder, before reminding him that they loved him. Most likely Kevin would have said something about how Nick should have come to one of them and spent the time with them.
AJ hadn’t done any of that. He’d nodded a little as he kept smoking. “I can see how that would piss you off.”
“Why do they do this to me, Age? Do they just not care about me?” That was the thought that always hurt Nick the most. “Do they just not give a damn? Or is it something I’ve done? And why is it that it still hurts each time they do this to me?”
“Well, now, it hurts because they’re your family. No matter how old we get, or how much shit happens, nothing changes the fact that family is family. Even when they hurt us, we still love them. And because we love them, it means they’ll always be able to hurt us. What you’ve got to decide is how much you’re going to let them hurt you.”
“What do you mean?”
“No matter what, Nick, it’s going to hurt. Why wouldn’t it? They’re your family and they’re supposed to love you and be there for you. When they do something like this, when they deliberately forget you, of course it’ll break your heart a little. That’s human nature. But it’s up to you to decide how much it’ll hurt you and how much it’ll affect your life. You have to decide what your priorities are.”
AJ had squashed out his cigarette then and turned so that he straddled the wall, making him face Nick. “You can sit around and wish to God that your family gave a damn, but it doesn’t mean they will. Your heart can break every moment of every day, mourning what you should have, and that’d be your right. But think of it like this. What does that get you? In the end, it won’t make them care one hair more than they do right now. It won’t make them suddenly wake up and pay attention to the son they’re fucking lucky to have. What does it do for you to let the hurt sit there and grow? Nothing.”
He’d shrugged then, giving his typical AJ fuck-it-all grin. “Or you can pull yourself up and count the blessings for what you do have in life. You can give them the finger, metaphorically speaking, and keep on with your life. You’re a damn good kid, Nick. They don’t know what they’re losing in you. Are you going to let them get you down, which is most likely their goal? You plan on letting them win in hurting you? Or you going to grab your bootstraps and pull yourself up and prove to them that you can stand on your own two feet? They may not think you can do it.” Saying that, AJ had rose to his feet, putting a hand on Nick’s arm. “They don’t know you well. You’ll pull yourself up from this. You’re so much more than they give you credit for. Just remember that.”
It had been a defining moment in Nick’s life. Yeah, the stuff his family did still hurt him, but that conversation he’d had with AJ that day had helped him to start to find his backbone. He’d pulled himself out of his funk that day and decided that his family’s latest bullshit wasn’t going to get him down. AJ was right. If he let it hurt him, he let them win. What good was sitting around and moping? It only extended his misery.
That was the kind of thing that AJ did for him. He helped Nick open his eyes, no matter how hard it might be. If it hurt, well, sometimes that was necessary to be able to move on. It wasn’t like AJ ever hurt him in a callous way. He only did it when it was necessary.
There were other moments that AJ took his protective, older brother role very seriously. Woe to anyone who thought to pick on Nick, or to make him an object of ridicule. It had happened a lot in the earlier days.
One particular time, Nick remembered how badly he’d been being picked on by this one guy who worked at the recording studio. He hadn’t told anyone about what was happening, not even Brian, but the guy had been picking on him badly every single time he was alone around Nick. Young, Nick had been convinced that he if he kept quiet and ignored it, eventually it would go away.
So when he’d walked out of the bathroom one time, having gone in there to regain his composure after the man had been particularly nasty to him, he’d gotten the shock of his life when he found the guy and AJ and Brian out in the hallway. Brian stood to one side, arms crossed over his chest, his face furious. AJ had been pinning the guy against the wall with an arm across his throat.
Just as Nick had walked out, he’d caught the tail end of what AJ was saying. “-don’t think we’ll be having this problem again, now will we?” He’d snarled. Apparently the guy had managed to give them a satisfying answer because AJ had released him. It had been Brian, though, who’d looked at the man with a nasty little smirk on his face and warned him “We find out this happens again, if you so much as look at Nick wrong, I won’t hold AJ back next time. Understood?”
The guy had practically scrambled away. Then Brian and AJ had turned, giving Nick wide smiles. The two had walked over, Brian flinging an arm over Nick’s shoulders, AJ putting one around Nick’s waist. They’d silently led him back to the recording studio. It had been a moment for Nick, one where he wouldn’t have been able to speak anyways. No one had ever stuck up for him like that before.
Another perfect example of AJ’s temper when it came to those he cared about had happened when they’d been on their first tour. Nick had been homesick beyond belief, aching to be with his family and knowing that he couldn’t even talk to his mom about that homesick feeling. All she’d do would be to remind him that this was his job now. His life. That he needed to grow up. So he’d kept those thoughts to himself and had just walked around, aching inside.
The five of them had been hanging out in the recreation room at one hotel, playing pool on the two pool tables that were in there. Nick hadn’t really wanted to go, but he hadn’t wanted to be alone either. So he was there, staying almost totally silent.
The others had tried to draw him out, teasing him, wanting to make him laugh. None of it was working. Howie, a peacemaker even back then, had sought to distract Nick when he’d asked “You talk to your mom today, Nick?”
That had been the wrong question to ask. Nick remembered having to fight back tears. He’d simply shaken his head first before he’d managed to say “Not for a few days.”
Seeking only to tease, Kevin had chuckled as he bent to take his shot. “She’s probably celebrating being free for a while.”
Looking back now, Nick could see that Kevin had been teasing him. Just trying to make a joke. But at the time, it had been like a knife in his heart. His worst fear, voiced out loud. Almost instantly tears had sprang into his eyes. He’d spun, praying no one had seen the tears. But AJ had suddenly been there, one knuckle tipping Nick’s chin up, forcing his head up enough that AJ could look down into Nick’s tear filled eyes. He’d gently moved his hand, wiping away the few tears that had fallen. Then, to the surprise of everyone there, tiny little AJ who was almost as young as Nick spun and raised his head, planting his fist right in Kevin’s face.
When everyone had shouted in surprise, Kevin dropping down to the ground, AJ had ignored them. He’d stood over Kevin, practically vibrating with his anger. “Who do you think you are?” He’d demanded furiously. “How dare you say something like that to him, you jackass? You’re supposed to be the adult in the group. Why don’t you start acting like one.”
That said, AJ had turned and taken Nick’s hand, storming from the room with him. He’d led him right back to the hotel room that he, AJ and Brian were sharing. There, AJ had told Nick to dress down for bed while he did the same thing. Once the two men were in their sweats and t-shirts, AJ had told Nick to go to bed, acting as calm as if nothing had happened. Nick remembered that he had still been in shock. That shock had become even stronger when, after he’d climbed into bed, AJ climbed in behind him and snuggled up, holding him through the night and keeping the night fears at bay.
There were times that Nick had almost felt that AJ was this indestructible force in his life. Oh, he knew that AJ had problems. He’d seen them once or twice. But AJ always managed to pull himself up from them. This, though, this was different. He didn’t know how he’d handle seeing AJ beaten down this way. But his friend needed him right now and there was no way Nick would say no.
He tried to pull himself together as he reached AJ’s door. For the moment, he pushed down his problems and fears and pain. Right now he was going to be AJ’s friend, which was exactly what he needed to be. The rest of it wasn’t going to matter.
Just as he reached to open the door before wheeling in, the door opened and Brian was there. “Oh!” Brian exclaimed. “Hey, Nick. Good timing. I’ve got to run down there. You’ve got things here?”
“No prob, Frick. I’ve got it covered.” Nick grinned as he rolled into the room. “Go be responsible and fill out your paperwork.”
Brian jogged back over to AJ, reaching out with his free hand to stroke down AJ’s cheek. “I’ll be back, honey, ok? Nick’s going to chill with you for a bit while I do my paperwork. But I’ll be back soon.”
It tore at Nick to see the fear that leapt onto AJ’s face. But then there was that familiar determination that firmed his features. He nodded at Brian, tipping his head up enough that Brian could kiss his lips before leaving. That little movement showed Nick the white bandage that was around AJ’s neck still.
Then Brian was gone and it was just Nick and AJ in the room. Nervous, and not really sure why, Nick rolled himself forward until he was right beside AJ’s bed. He couldn’t help but look him over, checking out the still healing cuts and bruises, the bandage around AJ’s throat, the slight bulge on AJ’s side that testified to the bandaging on the wound there. He saw that AJ was looking him over as well, doing the same thing. Assessing injuries.
“Well.” Nick finally said. “We’re a banged up little pair, aren’t we?”
A grin curved AJ’s lips. He pushed against the bed, a wince wiping away that grin, adjusting himself until he sat at a better angle. Once he’d shifted, AJ raised his hands, surprising Nick my signing “How are you?” at him.
Relaxing in his chair, Nick tried to keep himself from thinking about why AJ had to sign. Instead, he raised his own hands and signed back ‘Ok. How are you?’
It was AJ’s turn to be surprised. At the look on his face, Nick couldn’t help but chuckle a little. “Jackie and Brian taught me a long time ago. Since Jackie does that church work, she had Brian learn so he could go with her and Brian and I were amused by it so he taught me too. I used to be pretty good at it. Been a while, though. I used to be able to lip read pretty well too.”
AJ moved his hands, looking as if he was trying to think of how to sign what he wanted. It bothered Nick to watch the slight slump go into AJ’s shoulders for a second, but then it was gone and AJ was looking right at him. ‘You are full of surprises.’ He mouthed.
“That’s me. A man of many talents.”
Something came into AJ’s eyes then that looked strongly like concern. Nick watched as the panic that had been lingering in the back of AJ’s eyes was now pushed away. He was a little amazed to see the transformation in AJ’s face. Panic, pain, all of it was pushed back until one would never know that he was feeling either. Only then did AJ’s hand reach out, taking hold of Nick’s. ‘Tell me.’ He mouthed and signed at the same time.
Nick furrowed his eyebrows. Not because he was trying to understand what AJ had said to him, reading his lips was easy, but because he wasn’t sure what AJ was asking. “Tell you what?” he asked.
‘Tell me what happened to you.’ AJ was careful to form each word, trying to make sure it would be easier for Nick to read his lips. It was easy to see his frustration at not being able to speak out loud, but he doggedly continued silently mouthing the words. ‘I see it on your face. What happened?’
Oh. That. Damn, he thought he’d been hiding it pretty well. The last thing he’d wanted to do was to come in here and burden AJ with his problems. Especially since AJ had so much of his own problems to deal with right now. “It’s nothing, AJ. Don’t worry about it, ok? I’m fine.”
‘You are a horrible liar.’ The look on AJ’s face became even sterner. ‘Do not make me climb up from here and come sit on you. Tell me what happened or I will ask Brian. He will tell me.’
In his determination, AJ had moved his mouth a little faster than before. It took Nick a moment to decipher what he’d been mouthing. When he did, he sighed. Who was he kidding? The biggest part of him wanted to tell AJ. Even knowing that AJ was stuck here like this, miserable and scared and hurting, Nick still wanted to unload his problems. What kind of jerk did that make him?
He didn’t bother fighting with AJ about it. But he did try to shrug, to make his expression calmer than he felt. His eyes darted off toward the side as he mumbled. “It’s nothing, J. Just my family stuff, that’s all. Nothing big.”
When AJ squeezed his hand tightly, Nick took the comfort offered, still staring into the distance as he tried to keep his emotions under check. The grip on his hand tightened almost painfully, though, forcing him to look back over. When he saw AJ’s face, he forgot all about keeping control. Oh man, AJ looked pissed.
‘What the hell did they do?’ AJ mouthed furiously.
Hesitating only for a second, Nick tried to look away again, but AJ’s gaze gripped him. “It’s nothing, I guess. Just…the weather’s bad, you know. Really bad between there and here. It’s not like they don’t care. I mean, they do. Kev called them and said they were worried. That they love me. But…”
‘They aren’t coming to see you?’ It looked like someone had struck AJ, leaving him stunned. ‘Are you kidding me?’
Suddenly it seemed more important to Nick to get AJ to calm down than anything else. He was worried about how angry AJ looked. The last thing they needed was for AJ to try and do something stupid. “It’s nothing, J, really.” He tried to reassure him quickly. “I’m not letting it bother me. It was just worrying me a little coming down here cause I’d been down in my room before. When I’m down there, I think about it more, since I don’t have anyone to distract me.”
Immediately Nick realized that he hadn’t made things any better. If anything, AJ’s eyes grew wider and slightly angrier. ‘You’re alone down there?’ AJ almost couldn’t mouth the words. At Nick’s nod, he glared harder. ‘Where are Howie and Kevin?’
“At the hotel with Harold and Jackie.”
A small sound burst from AJ’s mouth. A raspy, strangled sound, quiet and painful. Just hearing it made Nick’s throat throb in sympathy. But AJ was beyond caring about that. He let go of Nick’s hand, grabbing the bedrails instead. Puffing slightly, he pulled on the rails, trying to pull himself upright even as he swung his legs sideways, towards the floor.
Nick pushed his chair forward, hoping to block AJ’s path. “AJ! What the hell are you doing?”
His words fell on deaf ears. AJ wasn’t paying any attention to him. As soon as he realized that Nick was blocking this side, he switched directions and forced his legs off the other side of the bed. Nick wasn’t fast enough to wheel around to that side and stop him. He’d only barely managed to get his chair turned around by the time that AJ’s feet touched the floor. “Dammit, Age, get back in bed!” he swore.
‘The hell I will!’ AJ mouthed at him. He was gripping the bedrails tightly, bracing himself as best he could.
Another voice joined in the mix, startling Nick, who hadn’t heard the door open. “AJ! Get back in that bed!” Brian yelled. He rushed into the room, moving straight to AJ’s side. With his good arm he took hold of him, preventing him from moving any further. “What on earth do you think you’re doing? You’re going to tear all that stitching!”
AJ just happened to be turned enough that Nick could read his lips. ‘Did you know about this?’
Confusion marred Brian’s features. He could lip read, if the person went slow enough, but he’d been out of practice for a long time. Brian had always been better at signing while Nick had been better at lip reading. Recognizing that Brian was confused, Nick called out “He asked you ‘did you know about this’?”
“About what?” Brian asked, looking from one to the other.
Realizing that Nick was translating for him, AJ looked over at him. ‘Repeat this exactly as I say it, Nick. Exactly.’ He waited until Nick reluctantly nodded before he mouthed ‘Did you know this about his parents? About him being left alone down there in that hospital room?’
Nick repeated his words, wishing he could just leave. He hadn’t realized how big of a deal AJ would make out of all of this. That’s your fault, for not thinking. It’s not surprising that he’s flipping out. He’s so damn protective when it comes to people hurting you! He thought ruefully.
Something passed over Brian’s face. “I heard about his parents, Age. Trust me, I heard. But what’s this about being alone?”
AJ responded and Nick repeated it for Brian, covering his eyes with one hand as he flushed in embarrassment. “Howie and Kevin are staying at the hotel with your parents. We’re the only three left still in the hospital.”
This time Brian’s expression was easy to read. Surprise, followed quickly by irritation. Then his gaze locked on AJ again. “Either way, Alex, you need to get your butt back in that bed. Now. I’ll take care of this, but I’m not going to do a single thing until you get back in there. Now!” The last word was barked out as a command. It amazed Nick to see AJ respond to that command. He suddenly sat, quietly allowing Brian to help him adjust his legs and tuck the blanket back around him.
Once AJ was settled, he brought his hands up, flashing signs at Brian so fast that Nick couldn’t catch them. He watched Brian respond in kind. What were they saying? The angle was wrong and their speed a little too fast for him to understand much of anything. He did take a moment to marvel at how well AJ seemed to have learned in only a few days’ worth of time.
Brian suddenly turned toward him, his good hand on his hip. “How long have you been alone down there, Nick?” he demanded.
It made Nick feel like a little kid. “Just the past two days.” He admitted. “Look, Bri, it’s not a big deal. There’s no reason to freak about it. You guys are just overreacting.”
“Overreacting? When one of our best friends is left, injured, by himself in a hospital room? The one friend we have that absolutely hates being alone at night?” Brian scoffed. “You should’ve come and told us, Nick. You can come down here, take my bed. I’ll work it out with Dr. Brand. Or we’ll get you released to head to the hotel. But you are not going to stay in that room down there by yourself.”
Nick knew he should argue it. He wasn’t a kid and he didn’t need people taking control of his life. But if he was honest with himself, he didn’t want to go down there alone again. It was true. He hated sleeping alone in strange places. If there was someone in the room that he could count on, someone that he could listen to them breathe as they slept, it always helped soothe down his childish fears.
Embarrassed, he flushed as he looked down at his lap. “Thanks.”
He was surprised to hear Brian laugh. Looking up, he raised one eyebrow, watching the mirth on Brian’s face. His best friend grinned at him. “AJ said it didn’t matter if they moved you or not. If they didn’t bring you down here, he’d just walk himself down there and climb in bed with you. Then he said the doctors better let you stay here to save you from freezing to death because his body is constantly cold in here and his skin might turn you to ice.”
The three friends grinned at one another, Nick chuckling slightly. God, leave it to AJ.