It was a short time later that Brian made his way towards the waiting room. Dr. Brand walked beside him, one hand resting briefly on his shoulder in a reassuring way. Trembles ran up and down Brian’s body. He had to work to control them. He was not going to go out there looking like this. If he did, they would panic more, seeing him panic. For a moment, he had to be strong. But, God, he wished he didn’t have to. Wasn’t it someone else’s turn to be strong?
Yet Brian stiffened his spine as he stepped into the waiting room and met the eyes of his friends. No matter how much he wished someone else would be strong for a while, there was no one here that could do it for him. Everyone expected strength from him. It was only with AJ that he could be the soft one for a while. Only with AJ could he feel free to break down. And right now, AJ was the one that needed him to be strong the most.
Instantly he was set upon by three people. “How is he?” Kevin demanded hoarsely. His voice gave witness to the emotion that was obviously clogging his throat. It took everything Brian had not to slam his fist into his cousin’s face. Why the hell had Kevin gone and said what he had? Not only had it hurt Nick, quite a bit by the way his face had paled and gone slack, but he had to have known that it would set AJ off the way it did. Kevin had done one thing that was guaranteed to piss off Brian. He’d messed with two of the most important people in Brian’s life.
“He’s resting right now.” Dr. Brand said. All eyes turned toward him. “We closed him back up, repairing some internal stitching and some of the external. But I do want to let you all know that it looks like an infection is setting in.”
Dr. Brand held up his hands, calling for quiet as everyone exploded with questions. When he was sure he had their attention again, he continued. “We’re going to monitor him closely and keep track of this as best we can. But I cannot stress enough that he needs to rest. This means, no more fighting with him. The last thing he needs is to be agitated right now. I want his stress level kept minimal, understood?”
“Yes.” Three voices said simultaneously. Each wore varying degrees of guilt on their face.
Brian couldn’t resist reaching out and pulling Nick in for a one armed hug. “This wasn’t your fault, Frack.” He told him consolingly. Furious eyes moved to where Kevin stood. “You weren’t the one who was shouting at him like that.”
“No, but it was about me. Just because J wanted to defend me. If I wasn’t such a baby about sleeping alone…”
It was Howie who stepped over then, resting his hand on Nick’s shoulder. “Hey now, none of that.” He said. “I don’t want to hear you talk like that. You’re not a baby. And AJ’s his own person, Nick, he can choose to let his temper out or not. You didn’t force him to get mad.”
“But I know how protective he gets. I should have just met you guys out here and stopped it before it started.”
“We all should have kept ourselves better under control. Kev and I deserved getting yelled at by him for forgetting about you. This is not your fault, hon.”
It didn’t escape Brian’s notice, the way that Nick puffed up under Howie’s words. That brought a small smile to his lips. God, Nick loved Howie so much. How on earth did Howie not see it? Anyone with eyes could plainly see it written on Nick’s face!
It was Dr. Brand who spoke next, his calm voice gathering all their attention again. “This isn’t anyone’s fault. I’ve had plenty of patients and there’s one thing I can say about people; we may make them feel a certain way, but how they react to it is their own responsibility.” He said plainly. “Now, I have every confidence that AJ’s going to be fine. So long as you keep his stress minimal and refrain from any more shouting contests, I see no problem with the lot of you visiting.”
“What happened?”
The female voice broke through their group, turning all their heads toward the other end of the waiting room. Denise stood there, her hands clasped in front of her, eyes wide as she stared at them, waiting for them to answer her question.
It was Kevin who reached for her, taking her hand and pulling her to them. “AJ got a little overexerted. He pulled a few stitches but Dr. Brand here fixed them.” His voice turned soft. “There are signs of an infection setting in, so they’re going to watch him closely. Dr. Brand was just advising us to keep things calm when we visit him so nothing stresses AJ out too much. But he thinks he’ll end up just fine, Denise. He’ll be ok.”
Those words took the fear in her face and helped it back up just slightly. She looked over to Brand, eying him. “You his doctor?” she asked.
“Yes, Ma’am, I am. Your son is doing well, I promise you. Much better than most people in his boat would do.”
The obvious honesty in his voice seemed to help Denise even more. She even offered him a smile. Then she looked at the boys again. “How’d he overexert himself? Shouldn’t he be lying in a bed?”
Seeing his cousin’s obvious discomfort, Brian found that he couldn’t hold on to his anger. He spoke up, drawing Denise’s attention to him. “You know him, Denise. Gets up in arms about things and just won’t let it lie. He got a little defensive of Nick and ended up blowing up. True AJ form.”
Her laughter had a slight smoky sound to it, reminiscent of AJ’s much stronger rasp. “That sounds like him.” She said, sounding relieved. “He must be ok if he’s trying to fight with people. Nothing ever has kept my boy down for long.” Looking over to the doctor, she asked “Can I go see him?”
“Of course. I’ve got another patient to check on, but Brian here can show you the way. Seeing as how it’s his room too.” With that comment and a huge grin, Brand set off down the hall.
Brian held out his good arm, offering it to Denise. She chuckled at him as she put her hand in the crook of his arm. Her laughing eyes turned toward Jackie and Harold. “You’ve raised quite a gentleman.” She told them fondly.
“We’re rather proud of him.” Jackie teased back.
With a wink to his parents, Brian led Denise off down the hall, allowing the others to stay and explain to Jackie and Harold what they would. His primary concern was getting back to AJ before he woke up. He’d been close when they left, which had almost stopped Brian from leaving at all. But he’d counted on being fast and getting back in to AJ as quickly as possible.
They were halfway down the hall when Denise spoke again. “How is he really, Brian? How’s he coping with this? Jack caught me up on everything on the ride over, but you know my son best.”
That was a hard question to answer. AJ was so…complex sometimes. “He’s afraid right now, being in a hospital and all.” Brian told her slowly. He tried to find the words he needed to say what he wanted. “So his anxiety is pretty high. Plus, the general physical trauma takes its toll, making him pretty tired and occasionally surly.”
“Nothing new there.”
He smiled at her before continuing. “For the most part, he seems to be dealing with things ok. The wound in his side and chest doesn’t seem to bug him, at least not that he shows. It pains him, but he deals with it ok. He gets pretty dizzy a lot more easily than he’d like. It’s his throat that scares the hell out of him. He doesn’t talk about that, doesn’t really let himself think about it, but it’s got him terrified. He worries about being able to ever talk again. Not to mention singing.”
“My poor baby.” The thought of never hearing AJ’s voice, either in conversation or in song, was devastating to her. His life had revolved around music, always. To think that it might be taken away from him…she shuddered at the thought. That would devastate her little boy.
Brian paused outside of a door, turning his head to look at Denise. “He is doing good, none of us lied about that.” He told her. “But I want to warn you that he looks worse than he is. Just keep that in mind, ok? It’s not as bad as it looks.” With that cryptic warning, he faced forward again.
When Brian opened the door to their room, it took everything Denise had to keep her cry locked inside. Sweet God. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared her for that first glimpse at her son. With a mothers’ eye she looked him over, cataloguing each little scrape, each bruise that marred his beautiful skin.
She’d seen what the others looked like, the little cuts and scrapes and bruises that were on them. She’d seen Brian’s arm in the sling and Nick’s casts. The way that Kevin held himself stiffly and Howie favored one arm over the other. All of that she’d seen out in the waiting room. Yet, none of it had been capable of preparing her for that first look at AJ. Seeing it on her baby boy made it all the more real and all the more terrifying.
But Denise hadn’t survived as a single mom without building up her own core of strength. She dredged deep down inside and drew off of that strength, composing her features to display nothing of the shock and heartache that she felt.
Brian watched it in amazement. In that single moment, he saw where AJ had learned his strength from. It was easy to see in this small woman beside him whose head barely reached his ear. He watched her pull her emotions in tight and gather together everything that she was feeling until she had it under tight control. Only then did she let go of his arm and step toward the bed where AJ lay.
He could only imagine what it was like for Denise to look at AJ. This was the first time she was seeing him since the accident. Brian had had time to get used to it, almost. At least enough that it wasn’t a fist to the gut each time he came into the room. Though he did still have problems looking in the mirror at his own reflection and seeing the damage there.
Denise stopped alongside the bed, reaching out to take hold of AJ’s hand, her eyes on AJ’s sleeping face. From the looks of it, the way his throat was working and his eyelids were fluttering just the tiniest bit, Brian had a feeling that AJ was slowly waking up.
That became apparent when he tried to jerk his hand back from Denise. Most likely still held under by the drugs, AJ didn’t open his eyes yet, but he kept trying to get his hand free. His eyebrows drew down and that unmistakable panic starting to tighten his features.
“Alex?” Denise called. “Son, it’s mom. Shh, now. It’s me.”
But still AJ tried to pull away. It didn’t take much for Brian’s mind to make the leap and figure out what was going on here. Once it clicked in his brain he started moving forward, going straight to AJ’s bed. He took the side opposite Denise, allowing him to hook his hip on the bed and be able to use his good arm to reach up and stroke down AJ’s cheek.
All of his attention was focused on AJ. “Alex, baby, come on now.” He whispered to him, leaning in to press his lips against AJ’s forehead, right where the crease sat between his eyebrows. “It’s just me and your Ma here, baby. She came to see you. No one else is here.”
He saw some of the tension draining from AJ and kissed his forehead again. “That’s right, relax. You don’t need to get yourself all worked up. You know I’m here, I’ll keep you safe. Nothing is going to happen to you.”
As AJ’s tension slowly melted from him, Brian kept up stroking over his cheek. He finally looked up, meeting Denise’s curious gaze. “Sorry about that.” He apologized to her. “I didn’t think about that. He gets really paranoid when he’s out and someone starts touching him. If he doesn’t recognize the touch right away, especially if he’s out of it like right now, he automatically thinks it’s one of the nurses. It’s nothing personal.”
A corner of her mouth quirked. “But just a touch from you calms him down.” She said speculatively. “If I didn’t know before that my son loved you, I sure would now.”
There was a soft twitch that went down AJ’s arm only seconds before his eyes slid open. The first place they went to was Brian, locking onto him. Instantly there was relief in them. Only when Brian smiled at him and he smiled back did he finally turn his gaze to the other side where his mother stood. His smile grew and firmed a little. Like mother like son. AJ was pulling on his own strength to try not to appear weak before his mom. “Hey.” He mouthed.
“Hey, sweetheart.” She said softly. One of her hands came up, smoothing across his cheek and forehead. It wasn’t just a kind gesture; Brian could see that she was checking his temperature as well. “Heard you were up raising Cain today. Guess you can’t be too sick if you can still fight.”
It looked like AJ wanted to say something but he just managed to catch himself before he tried. Briefly AJ closed his eyes. Brian could see the effort that AJ was putting into maintaining his composure. He could almost hear AJ telling himself ‘Calm, keep it calm. Breathe, in and out. Calm.’ It was a mantra he’d heard AJ mutter a million times when he was getting angry.
After another moment AJ opened his eyes again. He mouthed, very slowly. It took Brian a second to understand him and it was obvious that Denise didn’t. Looking over at her, Brian said “He said that he can’t help it. When people are stupid he has to set them straight. At least, that’s what I think he said. Nick’s better at the lip reading thing.”
AJ nodded at him to let him know he’d gotten it right. But his nod made him wince. Looking at Brian, he brought a finger up and trailed it down his throat. Brian instantly moved off the bed and over to where the water pitcher and cups sat. After pouring AJ a cup he brought it back over and gave it to him. AJ took a few drinks, handing the cup back when he was done. AJ brought his hand up, touching his chin and moving his hand down and out in the gesture for ‘thank you’. Automatically Brian responded with you’re welcome.
Amusement brightened Denise’s eyes. “You two learn sign language on me?” she teased.
Smiling, Brian shrugged. “My mom taught me a long time ago.” He explained to her. “She works with the deaf through our church. I had to learn if I wanted to help her. Then, I taught Nick. When we found out AJ needed to rest his throat to heal, Mom started teaching him to sign. Between her and I, he seems to be learning it quickly.”
“I can see how that would come in handy.” There was only a quick flash in Denise’s eyes that showed her worry about AJ’s voice. She masked it quickly with a smile. “So even without your voice you still can’t shut up, eh?”
The dry look AJ gave her had Denise letting out another of those smoky laughs. Then, as if she couldn’t resist a moment longer, she leaned forward and carefully hugged him. Brian moved back, letting go of AJ so that he could wrap his arms around his mother. The two held on silently, drawing strength from one another. Then, even as AJ still held his mother, he dropped one hand down, his eyes sliding toward Brian as he held that hand out. Tears pricked the corners of Brian’s eyes as he took AJ’s hand in his, kissing his knuckles lightly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A soft voice interrupted Nick’s private musing. “Come on, Nick. Let’s get you back to the hotel.” Looking up, Nick saw Jackie leaning over him. After a moment’s hesitation he nodded at her. His movements were slow, almost reluctant, as he reached for his crutches and brought himself to his feet. Very rarely did things get Nick down enough that he turned silent but right then was one of those moments.
No matter what the others said, Nick couldn’t chase away the guilt that he was feeling. I should have known better. I should have met them out in the hall instead of letting them come back .Time would have cooled AJ off. It’s my fault he got so worked up that he got hurt. Even though everyone had tried to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t changing his mind.
Silently he followed the crowd of his friends to the elevator. In there he reclined back against the wall, his eyes sliding closed. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t seem to get the image out of his mind of AJ dropping down to the ground. The blood that had seemed to suddenly flow.
Even as they exited the elevator and headed to the cars, even as he sat down inside and felt the car start to move, Nick couldn’t seem to clear his mind. Everything that had happened lately was playing over and over in his brain. The crash; the sound of that metal grinding together. Nothing had ever been more terrifying in his life.
So far he had coped with everything pretty well. He’d managed to keep himself calm and to keep a sunny attitude about life. Even when he’d found out his parents, it had hurt, but he’d managed to hold himself together and start to find his way out. This thing with AJ, though, that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Too many things had happened one right after another.
The crash, their injuries, the loss of their drivers, his parents, being alone in that room, seeing AJ, having AJ freak out, finding out about the infection .All of it—it was just too much.
Someone’s hands were on Nick, unbuckling his seatbelt. He barely noticed. It wasn’t enough to pull his attention back to reality. Then those same hands were helping him stand, helping him get his crutches situated. All the while a soft voice murmured to him. Nick barely paid any attention. His brain was too full.
How he managed to walk and not hit anyone, he had no idea. But he trusted to that voice that guided him, those hands that stayed on him. There was another elevator, distinguishable only by the ding that he heard, and then they were moving again. Still Nick couldn’t seem to break the fog over his mind, this senseless cloud of depression. How much was one person expected to take before they finally broke underneath it? He had reached his breaking point. This was too much.
A deep voice broke into Nick’s haze, just enough for him to hear the words, though his eyes stared unseeing at the floor. “Why don’t you bring him in here?” It was Kevin, he thought. Maybe? He wasn’t sure.
But the next voice he did recognize. It was one that he knew he would always recognize, as close to it was as his heart. Howie. “I’ve got him, Kev. Just let me handle him.”
Then the hands were moving him again and Nick didn’t care where they were taking him, so long as he could sit down. No, lie down. He wanted to lie down and curl into a ball before the shattered parts of him finally burst free.
He got his wish. Those same hands, Howie’s hands, were guiding him down onto a soft surface, lifting his leg up onto the bed. Nick didn’t realize that tears were streaming down his cheeks as he squeezed his eyes shut. He just gave up his crutches and curled in on himself, right in the middle of the bed. Then, the very last thing he ever would have expected.
Howie sat on the bed and gathered Nick’s upper body, shifting him so that he was cradled against Howie’s chest. “That’s it, honey.” Howie whispered soothingly, one hand stroking over Nick’s back. “Quit trying to be so tough. It’s been hard for all of us. Just let it out. It’s ok to break a little now and again.”
God, did he have to do this in front of Howie? The one person he wanted to have look at him like an adult. But when he opened his mouth to try and brush this off, to act like he was found, he found totally different words coming out. “It’s just too much! I can’t take this anymore.”
“I know, I know.” If anything, Howie’s hug grew tighter. “God, Nick, I know. Just let yourself go, honey, I’ve got you. I’m here and I won’t leave you alone. There’s nothing wrong with breaking down after everything we’ve lived through.”
That was the last of it for Nick. There, in the arms of the man he loved more than anything else in his life, Nick let go of his control, stopped trying to be the happy one, and he simply broke.