By tact agreement, Brian and I never spoke of that night again. But it sat between us; or, should I say, hovered over us like a dark cloud. Not quite blocking out our sunshine, but always threatening on the horizon. He knew and I knew that one day, we would have to deal with it. But we put it off as long as we possibly could. One day, I would tell myself. Soon. Soon.
I would always tell myself that we were happy right then. No need to break things up too soon, right? After tour would be soon enough. While we were working and touring wasn’t the time to divulge my big secrets. There was too much going in our life to take the time right then to give this subject the proper attention it needed. Plus, if he hated me for it, as I was so sure he would, then it would be better done when we wouldn’t have to spend the rest of tour together.
These were the excuse I gave myself. In reality, it all boiled down to one thing. It was exactly as I told Brian in his hotel room that day. I was afraid and I was selfish. I truly felt, deep down in my heart, that if I told Brian the truth, told him all my dirty little secrets, then he would turn around and walk out of my life and I would never see him again.
There had never been a love for me like what Brian and I share. Nothing I’ve felt since I’ve met him has compared to it, either. I was so scared I was going to lose that feeling. Lose that love. So I held on for as long as I could, hoping to somehow find a way to bury that part of myself. Maybe, I told myself, if I buried it, I could be a normal person. Have a normal life. I should have known, you can never outrun your past. It always catches up with you. Despite everything you do to try and make it go away, no matter how many changes you make within yourself, somehow the past has a way of sneaking up on you.
Toward the end of that fateful tour, the decision on what to tell Brian was taken away from me. I’d waited too long to say anything. With certain things pushed out of my life, buried as far as I could make them go, I became too confident, too relaxed. It was almost our undoing.
If you, my friends, are reading this, than this is where the terror starts for you. This is the day of our disappearance. The day that all of our worlds turned upside down. I beg you, keep in mind as you read this that we never meant to hurt you. We never meant to scare you or to break your hearts. We love you. Howie, Kevin, Nick, you’re like brothers to us. If Brian or I could change anything, it would be the way we had to leave you.
I hope this explanation eases your pain some. I hope it makes up, at least a little, for the worry we’ve put you through.
You probably remember that our afternoon was free that winter day. There was the threat of snow in the air, just enough to make it crisp feeling outside, and a light dusting here and there in different parts of the city. Brian and I told you guys that we wanted to take a walk in the city….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laughter lit Brian’s eyes, making them sparkle. Without warning he reached out and wrapped AJ in one of his bear hugs, spinning him around. Even as he laughed, AJ took a deep breath and inhaled that scent that was Brian. Nothing was better than a hug from Brian. Nothing made him feel better than that, ever. They indulged in the hug for a moment, knowing that they were well disguised and it was unlikely that anyone would recognize them here.
When Brian set AJ free again, the both of them were grinning. It felt so good to just be themselves without worrying about who would see them! With their winter caps on, covering their ears, and the scarfs and jackets, they looked just the same as any other men in the street. Who would think that the two men embracing in the park would be two of the Backstreet Boys? Not to mention that it was school hours, so teenagers weren’t around. Those were usually the most exuberant fans.
As he smiled at his lover, something caught AJ’s eye over Brian’s shoulder. A man was walking on the other path, on the opposite side of the park; there was nothing about the man that was any different from anyone else, but he had AJ’s instincts humming. Something about him wasn’t right.
Still, he kept it casual. His smile stayed on his face as he linked arms with Brian. Together, they set off on their walk, looking like an average couple enjoying the winter day. As they walked, AJ kept his eye on the man. Deliberately he turned him and Brian off the path and toward the road. “Let’s go get something to drink at that coffee shop up there.” AJ said, gesturing to the shop. With one eye he watched Brian; the other, the man.
Brian agreed easily, letting AJ lead him down the sidewalk. People wove around them, the crowd growing thicker as they moved from the park to the busier streets.
AJ felt his instincts kick into overdrive when he saw the man exit the park, heading down the road as well. He was about three blocks behind them, on the opposite side of the street. No, no, he couldn’t jump to conclusions. Maybe he was just being paranoid. There was no reason to think the man was following them. AJ chided himself for overreacting.
It didn’t stop him from keeping an eye on things when they went into the coffee shop. No one followed them in there. He watched as they got their coffee, laughing with one another. The man didn’t come into the store and AJ didn’t see him outside the shop. By the time they left, he thought that maybe he had been overreacting.
They were two blocks away from the coffee shop when he caught a glimpse of the man again. This time AJ cursed inside his mind. This was no coincidence. The man was following them. All he needed to figure out now was why he was following them and how to get Brian to safety. That second part was the most important. Nothing, absolutely nothing was more important than keeping Brian safe.
As they walked, AJ’s mind raced. He looked around him to try and figure out something to do. If he had been alone his plan would have been easy. But he wasn’t alone.
Finding out who this guy was didn’t look like it was going to be an option right at the moment. Not with Brian with him. So, AJ opted for losing the guy. Under the guise of chatting with Brian, he managed to steer them all over the place, dipping here and there and circling some places. Their conversation continued so that Brian never realized what he was doing.
Finally, after a few more blocks of walking and circling, AJ noticed the man was gone. He kept them walking in a random direction, switching streets every now and again, but still he didn’t see him. He finally felt safe enough to take Brian back to the car.
His concern for Brian was his undoing. It made him lax. Just as they reached the car, while Brian was laughing at a smart ass comment AJ made, AJ twisted to give him a kiss before intending on getting in the car. It was the twist that saved his life.
Pain ripped across his arm like liquid fire, spinning him some. Before he hit the ground his instincts had kicked in. He swept a leg out, taking Brian’s legs out from under him so that the both of them hit the ground together. Brian grunted, laughter bubbling up, thinking that AJ had slipped and took him down with him. “Dammit, Alex!” he cried teasingly.
AJ wasted no time in yanking open the door to the backseat of the car. His voice and his face were hard when he snapped “Get in and keep low.” His eyes scanned the area, trying to figure out where the shot had come from. He looked back at Brian, saw that his lover was staring at him with confusion. “Brian, now! Keep down, below the windows, and get in the damn car!”
Never had AJ yelled at Brian like that. The commanding tone had Brian responding without even thinking about it. AJ yanked open the driver’s door, pulling out his keys and putting them in the ignition. He turned the car on before he even climbed inside. Using one arm, he grabbed the wheel and yanked himself in, his foot pressing the gas pedal before he’d even shut his door. He skillfully whipped the car out into traffic while shutting his door. He heard Brian’s door snap shut and Brian cursing as he laid low in the backseat. “Alex, what the hell is going on?”
There was no time to answer him. AJ curled his injured arm against his waist. Later, he’d tend it. Now he needed to get them the hell out of there. One handed he spun the wheel, sending the car squealing as he took it around a sharp corner. Other drivers honked at him, he heard some cars slam to a stop to avoid hitting him. People jumped out of the way. AJ focused only on driving.
Who knew how fast the person was behind them. Would he be at a car already? Would he be behind them yet? AJ watched his rearview mirror, not seeing anything yet but not taking any more chances. He’d been so stupid before! Well, now he was paying the price for it. A gunshot wound to his upper arm and a panicked Brian in the backseat. At least his coat was black and thick enough that Brian hadn’t noticed the wound yet. He was going to flip when he saw it.
AJ took them around another few curves, slowing the car to try and blend it into traffic. Up ahead he saw what it was he needed. A parking garage for a mall. There was no time to think too hard about it. This was what he knew. These were the kinds of things he knew how to do. He took the car in the garage, taking it up two levels before finding a dark corner to park.
He opened the door, moving as quickly as he dared. Brian joined him just as quickly, mouth open to demand what was going on. AJ held up one finger to his lips, hushing him. He scanned the garage, trying to find a certain type of car. After a moment he found it. He took Brian’s hand and ran, pulling him to a dark section of the parking area. There was a black Ford Explorer, a very generic car in this town. No one would remark on it, or its tinted windows.
The doors were unlocked, thank God. AJ opened the back door and gestured for Brian to get in.
Brian looked at him like he was crazy. “What? AJ, what the hell is this?”
“Get in the car, Bri. I swear to God, I’ll explain it as soon as I can. Right now I need you to get in.”
“I’m not stealing a car!”
Eyes scanning around him, AJ cursed at the wasted time. “Brian,” He tried a pleading tone. “If you have any love for me at all, please, I beg you, trust me right now. I need you to trust me and get in the car. Please.”
After a moment of looking into AJ’s eyes, Brian relented. He got silently into the backseat of the car. Relieved, AJ shut the door and climbed into the driver’s seat. They needed to move before the owners came back and found them hijacking the car.
One handed, it was a little more difficult, but he managed to pull out the wires needed and hotwire the car. Once it was running, he put it in reverse and calmly pulled out of the spot. He very deliberately drove at a steady pace, trying to blend in with the other cars he joined on the second level. They were at the very bottom when they passed another car. Seeing it had AJ shivering. He’d caught a glimpse of the driver; it was the man from the park.
He kept it calm as he joined the traffic in the street. Instead of heading toward the hotel, he went in the total opposite direction. The pain in his arm was growing into a numbness and he felt the blood flowing. They’d have to stop for him to at least bind it shortly. Dump the car. It wouldn’t be long before someone realized that their car was missing and called it in. He didn’t want to get caught in the car once the BOLO (be on the lookout) was issued.
It took him about ten minutes to find what he needed to hide out in. Another parking garage, this one in a slightly ritzier part of town. Again he pulled in, parking in the darkest spot he could find. He turned the car off and simply sat for a minute, eyes closed. Son of a bitch. Son of a fucking bitch. They were knee deep in shit right now and he had the love of his life with him that he had to worry about protecting. What the fuck was he going to do?
Taking another deep breath, AJ shifted in the seat, moving so that he could climb in the back. From there he climbed over the backseat again, moving into the back of the explorer. He sifted through the bags that were there; apparently the car’s owner had already done some shopping and dropped off some of their things before going to do something else. That was beneficial.
AJ found some clothes, none of which would fit them, a few hats, some random snack food, perfume, and a few odds and ins. Then, thank God, he found something useful. A bottle of Vodka.
He took one of the shirts, pulling it out into his lap. He handed it up to Brian first, then turned and reached into his boot to grab the knife he kept in there. That he handed to Brian as well, hilt first. “Cut me off a few strips of that, please.”
“Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on?” Brian asked him quietly. He worked as he spoke, doing what AJ asked him. “You drag me into our company car, drive like a maniac, demand I get in this one and then proceed to steal this car. Now we’re cutting up a shirt from one of these poor people’s shopping bags. I’d like some kind of an explanation.” The whole speech was delivered in a quiet, calm voice that told AJ better than any kind of shouting that Brian was pissed at him.
AJ shrugged out of his jacket, hissing as he did. It stung as it pulled at the wound, making the fire flare brighter. He answered Brian’s questions to distract himself as much as to try and explain himself. “We drove like maniacs because we were being followed and I was trying to save our asses. We stole the car so they don’t know what car we’re in or where the hell we’re going. The reason you’re cutting up the shirt is the same reason we dove in the car to begin with.”
Peeling his shirt off, AJ looked at where the blood was still pouring down his arm. “I didn’t fall back there, I was shot. Now, get back here and help me bind it off.”
Shock widened Brian’s eyes when his shot his head up, instantly looking AJ’s body over. He saw the blood, saw the mess on AJ’s arm and he hurried into action. AJ had to give him credit. Brian didn’t flinch away or panic as others might have. He scurried over the seat and dropped down beside AJ. “Why didn’t you say something before? You’ve been bleeding this whole time?” Some panic did slip into his gaze as he watched AJ check the wound. “Jesus, AJ, why the hell would someone shoot you?”
The pain was subsiding into numbness again. In a minute, he knew it was going to flare to life. He grabbed the bottle of vodka and brought it up to his mouth, taking the cap off with his teeth. Without giving himself time to think about it, he quickly poured the alcohol over his wound. Air whistled past his teeth with the effort of holding in his scream. He slammed his head back against the window behind him, gritting his teeth as the pain grew. He forced himself to pour a little more, making sure it was totally clean.
By the time he was done, he was covered in sweat. He closed his eyes and rested his head back against the window again. Just a minute and then he’d start to bandage it. But a pair of hands was gently touching him, shifting his arm, and AJ knew that Brian was taking care of it. “Make it tight.” He managed to tell him.
“I know. It’s not bleeding as much anymore, but it’s still going some.”
Swallowing, AJ tried to ignore the pain as Brian wrapped the cloth strips around his arm. “I’ll stitch it if it needs it when we get somewhere safe. There’s no time right now.” He’d do what he had to when he reached their safety. But first, he needed to get them to safety. Where the hell would they go? He tried to think about it as Brian tied off the strips of cloth.
They needed new clothes, things that they could use to blend in. Things that weren’t recognizable. “Will you check the seats up front; see if there are any other clothes that might work for us? I can’t put this jacket back on.”
While Brian climbed up and took a look, AJ checked the bandage. It was tight without being too tight. Blood already stained it a little, but it would work for now. They’d make a stop off at a little store somewhere, pick up some supplies. He had an idea about where to go to. This town wasn’t extremely familiar to him, at least the main part of it, but he knew a nearby place for them to hide. It was just going to be a matter of getting them there.
Brian climbed over the seat into the back again, a jacket in hand. “This should work. Looks like its old, though. A little worn. Might be a little big for you but it’ll do the job.”
The coat was a simple black frock coat. For this time of year it would be easy to blend in wearing that. AJ left his shirt off and allowed Brian to assist him into the coat. While Brian buttoned it up, AJ stole one of the scarfs from a bag and wound it around his neck. “Let’s get out of here, Bri. I don’t trust staying here too long. I don’t trust anything until I get us to a hideout.”
“When we get there, are you going to explain this to me?” Brian asked him quietly.
Looking up into the blue eyes that he loved so much, AJ knew what he had to do. He hated it, but there was no other choice. Even if it damned him. “Yes.”