I don’t know how to start this kind of story. Never before have I tried to tell someone the story of my life, aside from Brian. But after everything that I’ve lived through, everything that my partner and I have gone through and survived, we felt it was right to put it down on paper. So we’re sitting here together, compiling our memories and looking back at events that changed our very lives.
Maybe our story should die with us. Maybe it should never be told. There are some out there who would kill to know the things that we know. Or to silence us before the truth can be told. The secrets we know and the atrocities we’ve witnessed could bring many people in high positions, crashing down. Is that right? Do we have the right to destroy lives? Some of the lives that would be harmed by this did nothing to deserve it. Some were simply sheltered from the truth. Others would deserve the fate that would be meted out to them.
I’m not innocent in all of this, either. The things I’ve seen, the things I’ve done--there will never be any excuse for me. If the others hang, I should rightfully hang with them. By exposing their secrets I risk exposing mine as well. For those who knew me, please know as you read this that I always have and always will love you. You were a family for me, one that I had never thought I would have. No matter what you read, never doubt that, please. Never doubt the place you have in my heart. I am so sorry that I brought this all to you. If I could change it, I would. Yet, if I did, I would never have met any of you. I shudder to think where I would be then.
It was Brian who suggested that we write this down together and lock it away somewhere safe so that, in the event of our death, the people we knew at one time can finally know the truth. They deserve that truth. Or, maybe when we’re safe and hidden somewhere, we’ll find a way to send this. So that they don’t spend their lives worrying for us. Which would be better? Which is safer for them?
As Brian has so politely just pointed out to me, I’ve yet to even make any kind of introduction. You might be wondering who on earth this is and who you’re reading about, if this is in the hands of someone who doesn’t know us. If our friends choose to take this to the authorities.
Well, I’ve used plenty of names in my life, but the one that always felt the truest was the one I was the most famous for. AJ Mclean. That’s right, that’s me. AJ Mclean, bad-boy of the Backstreet Boys, who was rumored to have died in a plane crash over the Pacific Ocean with his boyfriend Brian Littrell.
Well, obviously, as this story will show, we didn’t die. Far from it. But that’s jumping ahead in the story.
I’m not sure where to start things at; what would be the best place for the beginning? For, rightfully, this all started when I was born. But maybe that part of the tale should come later. Should we start as I reached my teenage years? My life was changing on me in so many ways at that time, the biggest of which started the day I joined the Backstreet Boys and found myself staring into a beautiful pair of the bluest eyes I had ever seen. From that moment on, my life was changed.
But to any who read this, you all know how my early career with the band went. If you don’t, it’s not hard to look on the internet and find what you need to know about ‘AJ Mclean’. What you don’t know is what I felt at the time. How I dealt with my growing love toward Brian. At the beginning, I didn’t allow myself to let anything I felt for Brian show on the outside, so no one but myself knew about it.
I guess, the best place to start is the night that I finally decided that enough was enough. When I threw caution to the wind and reached out to grab something that I’d always wanted and never been able to attain. Love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The five Backstreet Boys sat together in Kevin’s hotel room. They were set up around the table with food in bowls and drinks in their hands. It was one of the few nights they could just be together, having fun and forgetting the stress of their day to day life. That night, Howie had brought a game with him. A truth or dare board game. The friends all eagerly agreed to play and had set it out on the table.
“Ha!” Kevin said, laughing. He held up the card that he’d drawn off the pile. “Ok, Age. Serenade the person to your left with a song that you think describes the relationship (friend, lover, sibling) with them.” He looked up and saw who was on AJ’s left. The grin that curved his lips matched the grins that Howie and Nick were suddenly wearing. As for Brian, he was blushing slightly.
If Kevin had thought he’d finally fluster AJ with this, he wasn’t thinking clearly.
Amusement danced in AJ’s eyes. He stood up from his chair, stepping out to stand behind Brian’s chair. Then he bent and grabbed the chair legs, pulling Brian, chair and all, away from the table. He snickered when he darted back around and Brian was glaring at him. “You’re insane, Age.” He told him, shaking his head. “Bout gave me a heart attack.”
“Insane, hm?”
A fuck-it-all look came into AJ’s eyes then. His grin spread, slow and lethal. When Nick threw a remote at him to use as a mic, AJ deftly caught it out of the air and pulled it to his mouth, starting his song as he took a step back from Brian.
Friday night I crashed your party
Saturday I said I’m sorry
Sunday came and trashed me out again
Kevin recognized the lyrics and started to roar with laughter. It didn’t make AJ miss a beat. He threw a wink to the older man and then put his all into the lyrics.
I was only having fun
Wasn't hurting any one
And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change
I've been stranded in the combat zone
I walked through Bedford Stuy alone
Even rode my motorcycle in the rain
And you told me not to drive
But I made it home alive
So you said that only proves that I’m insane
Laughter lit up Brian’s blue eyes, making them sparkle. AJ threw himself into the moment, stepping up and hooking the collar of Brian’s shirt to pull him forward.
You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic
you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right
He stepped back, more of a provocative roll than a walk. Something came into his eyes, something that Brian had never seen there before.
Remember how I found you there
Alone in your electric chair
I told you dirty jokes until you smiled
You were lonely for a man
I said take me as I am
Cause you might enjoy some madness
for a while
Now think of all the years you tried to
Find someone to satisfy you
I might be as crazy as you say
To the surprise of everyone, AJ stepped forward and wrapped one arm around Brian’s neck, plopping himself down right into Brian’s lap. He grinned at him as he continued to sing.
If i'm crazy then it's true
That it's all because of you
And you wouldn't want me any other way
You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic
you're looking for
It's too late to fight
It's too late to change me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right
You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic
you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right
You may be wrong but you may be right
You may be wrong but you may be right
When the song was done, AJ did the one thing that he had never dared to do before. One thing that he had never had the courage to do. Looking down into Brian’s eyes, he saw emotions in those depths that hinted at feelings much like his own. So AJ threw caution to the wind, grabbed a handful of Brian’s hair, and kissed him for all he was worth.
Brian surprised him by not pulling away, by not even startling. No, his warm hands came up, wrapping around AJ’s neck and pulling him down into the kiss. The two ignored the cat calls sounding around them. They focused on putting their all into this very first kiss.
When they pulled back, the two were smiling at each other. Brian shifted one hand, lightly tapping AJ’s chin with his fist. “Took you long enough.” He said in that husky southern accent. “I was beginning to wonder if you’d ever make a move.”
Laughter tickled AJ’s throat. “Yeah, well, you know me. I do things on my own schedule.”
With another smile, the two brought their lips back together, sharing another heart-wrenching kiss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That was how it started for Brian and I. That was the beginning of our relationship; the one defining moment. It still makes me smile when I picture Brian’s face as he told me “Took you long enough.” Leave it to that man to make jokes like that.
I had never even suspected that he’d felt the same way about me that I did about him. But, that hadn’t been what had kept me back from him. No, it had been the other things in my life. The things that I was dealing with outside of the band. A part of my life that I had come to hate. It was eating me up inside, destroying my heart and my soul. Starting this relationship with Brian was like a small ray of light in the darkness that had become my soul. I began to hope again.
Hope is a beautiful thing. It can come as a blazing light in your life, or as the smallest little spark. That kiss created a spark in my heart. As time went on, the spark grew an grew until it was a wildfire that consumed everything about me.
The person it left behind was one I finally felt I might be able to be proud of.