For this part of everything, I’m going to take over for AJ for a little bit. We’re writing this together, but this part of things might be easier if you see it through my eyes. See how I saw as my relationship with AJ progressed further and further and I fell even deeper in love with him.
There had always been something different about Alex, right from the get go. All of us had seen it. Even when the band first started, Alex wasn’t like your average kid. Oh, he could be as goofy as the rest of us. And trust me; we were all pretty goofy sometimes. But he was so mature for his age, too. There were things that he did or things that he said sometimes that gave you insight into someone deep down inside that seemed to be in total contrast to the face he put out there. I had no idea that the ‘face’ was intentional. That Alex really was trying to hide from us.
Looking back now, knowing the things I do right in this moment, I see so many things that should have warned me something wasn’t right. I see moments that make sense now that I’m not in them. But at the time, there was so much that I thought nothing of. Nights where Alex disappeared from the hotel, saying that he was going to visit friends. Or when he randomly took a break mid-tour to handle some personal business. Just, little things.
But I think what really started me on the path of wondering was the very first time that AJ and I were intimate together. Yes, I know, to those of you that are reading this that this may not be something that you want to read. But, for me, that was the event that started it all. This was what started me thinking about all the little things that didn’t add up. All the things that didn’t quite feel right. It was about three months after that first, fateful kiss….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God, he felt fantastic! Muscles that had been tensed for so long were now so loose that he felt like he was a puddle. This had been one of the most beautiful experiences of Brian’s life. Making love with AJ was an experience unlike anything else he’d ever felt.
A small thread of worry slid in Brian’s bubble of happiness. In the heat of their lovemaking, there had been things that Brian had noticed, things he’d felt, but hadn’t taken the time to worry about. Now that the passion was spent and AJ was sleeping, he felt a little freer to look and to wonder. Laying his elbow on the bed, he put his head in his hand and admired the view for just a moment. God, AJ really was an attractive man.
Brian lifted his other hand and lightly trailed his fingers down AJ’s back. The moonlight through the window gave just enough light for his eyes to see by. He shifted his touch, moving it to AJ’s left shoulder, tracing a circular scar there. What had made that scar? Hand and eyes moved over AJ’s back, touching and looking at each one as he came across it. There were two more circular scars as well as a few scars that were straight lines. All in all he counted six on AJ’s back alone. There were others, he knew. One or two he’d felt on AJ’s leg.
A half remembered thought slid into Brian’s mind, making him go totally still. The circular scar on AJ’s right side…there was a matching one on the front, if he remembered right. Which he was positive he did. He’d touched every inch of AJ through the night, memorizing the feel of him. But only one thing made sense to him. One thing came to mind that would make that kind of scar. But it couldn’t be true, could it?
AJ’s raspy voice broke into Brian’s thoughts, making him jump. “You keep touching me like that and I’ll have to find the energy to jump you again, Mister Littrell.”
At any other time, Brian might have sent back a sexual joke of his own, or at least made some kind of comment. Right then, he didn’t think he could. The implications of his own thoughts had him quiet. If what he thought was true, then, were the other circular scars from the same thing? No, it couldn’t be possible. Could it?
The bed dipped as AJ shifted his body, moving to his side so he could look up at Brian. “You ok?” The teasing was gone from his voice, as well as the huskiness of sleep and lust. He sounded concerned.
Shock had Brian speaking without thinking. “Were you shot?”
Something flashed into AJ’s eyes, but it was gone before Brian could take the time to figure out what it was. A soft sigh drifted in the night air. AJ didn’t hedge, though. He simply said “Yes.”
Oh my God. That was all Brian could think at first. His next question popped out as soon as it entered his head. “More than once?”
Again, AJ spoke in a neutral tone. “Yes.” He didn’t elaborate on it.
So many questions were in Brian’s mind .So many things he wanted to know. As if he read it on his face, AJ shifted again until he was mirroring Brian’s position. “It’s not that bad, mi vida. That was a different time, a different place.” He brought his free hand up, cupping Brian’s cheek. There was so much gentleness in AJ’s eyes that Brian found himself lost. “What matters is here, now. Us.” AJ leaned in, pressing his lips to Brian’s. “This. This is what matters.”
That said, he was kissing him again, bringing that fire back. Brian forgot all about his questions as AJ rolled over, gently pinning him to the bed. He forgot everything but the warm body over his.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next morning, the two men were quite happy and quite relaxed. It had been a beautiful night. Nothing in Brian’s life had ever been so perfect before. So right. Taking that final step with AJ, well, it had been magnificent.
Some of his thoughts from the night before flared up, worries about the scars he’d seen, but he remembered AJ’s reluctance to discuss them. There was a story behind those, obviously. But it was equally obvious that AJ wasn’t ready yet to talk about it. That was fine. They had all the time in the world for those kinds of things.
Fresh from his shower, Brian pulled on sweats and walked from the bathroom to the bedroom. He leaned against the doorframe and simply watched his lover. AJ sat in the middle of the bed, a laptop sitting on his crossed legs, an intent look on his face. For a just a second the expression on AJ’s face had Brian shivering slightly. He absently rubbed his arms. Idly he thought that he should turn the heater up.
Brushing off that weird feeling, Brian grinned at his lover. “Boy, you sure look intent in whatever you’re doing.” he teased as he walked toward the bed. It amused him to watch AJ jump like someone had poked him. “Jesus, Bri!” he exclaimed. “You trying to give me a heart attack?”
Even as Brian tossed himself down onto the bed, he saw AJ’s fingers fly across the keyboard. Just as Brian landed, AJ shut the laptop and set it aside. It seemed almost deliberate. Was he hiding something? “I didn’t interrupt, did I?”
AJ smiled at him and leaned in to give him a big good morning kiss. “Nothing vital, love.” He whispered against Brian’s lips. “I’ll still be there when I get back.”
“Mm, if you want to finish, I’ll still be here when you’re done.” Brian countered. But his words didn’t have any heat behind them. AJ was kissing him again and he was lost in those sensations. When AJ rolled them again, pulling Brian on top of him so that their bodies melded, Brian shivered. AJ grinned cockily. “The day I’d rather piddle around on a computer than lie in bed with my freshly showered boyfriend is the day you better bury me, lover.”
Laughing, Brian forgot all about the computer.
~~~~~~~~~~
….It was all of this that started me wondering. What on earth had happened in AJ’s life that he’d been shot like that? It was rare enough to find someone who had been shot, let alone more than once and still managed to live to tell the tale. Not only that, but I kept thinking about the position of the scars. Thinking that it looked like they weren’t all from one incident. So it couldn’t have been that he received multiple shots in one horrible accident. No. I had to come to terms with the fact that Alex had been shot, more than once, on more than one occasion.
It took me a while to remember the other scars on his body. The long, jagged ones. Short, thin ones. Over the next few months as we grew closer, sharing hotel rooms instead of sleeping separately, I started to notice more scars. Alex had quite a collection of them on his body. Some didn’t even leave any sign but a soft shine against his skin when the light hit just right.
Any time I tried to talk to him about it, somehow the topic ended up moving. I can see now that he was very careful about never lying to me. Not once did he outright lie. But he was a master at evasion. Like I said, there are so many things that I understand now. Back then, they only confused me. But nothing could have turned me away from my love. Nothing ever will.
I figured that, eventually, I would find out what was going on. Eventually he would trust me enough to tell me. I had no idea what I was wishing for.