“You know that I don’t mind staying here all alone tonight.” Brian said to Nick, watching him running through his suitcase to find him something “stylish” to wear that night.
It was one of the few nights without a concert to do and everyone had decided to take a chance and live the night.
“I know you do but I don’t want you to be alone, baby.” Nick answered, giving him a glance full of love. “Kevin will be out with Kristin and I will feel more comfortable if you go out with AJ and Howie.” He added, getting up with a black silk shirt. “Or, you could go with me, I don’t think Aaron would be mad if you came along, he adores you!”
Brian lowered himself on the bed, thinking about how it was strange yet natural to think that they were lovers.
Brian never thought in hundred years that a guy like Nick would find him attractive and sexy. He had always known about his gayness and for years he had loved Nick silently: he didn’t know when exactly he fell in love with him; it was something that just has been there for so long, in wait for the right time to come out of his shell. And then, one day, it did: it was like a cold shower, a forceful wind with the power to knock him down, pressed with the weight of the sudden revelation. He did love Nick, but not like a friend or a brother.
Still, he didn’t trust himself to confess his feelings: afraid to be rejected from the only person who could make him the happiest man alive; the fear that just those three words could tear them apart was enough to bring him behind the mask of a simply best friend, the only way to be able to hold his love without being suspicious.
He had come up with all different kinds of reason why they shouldn’t be together: he wasn’t his type, he was older, they worked together... but they all crumbled down when he thought about how right felt loving Nick.
And how right felt be loved by him.
“Bri? Are you with me, baby?”
“Sorry, lost in thought.” Brian replied, leaving a small kiss on the angle of Nick’s lips.
“I hope they were pleasant.” Nick murmured, capturing Brian’s lips in a kiss full of passion. Taking’ as always the initiative, Nick parted Brian’s lips with his mouth, requesting the entry to devour him better; he didn’t have to wait long for Brian to open up to him, draw closer to his body while a lustful moan escaped.
Damn, who would have thought that Brian could be so fucking hot? Nick thought while he deepened his kiss and fingers tangled up in Brian’s curls. When they first got together, Brian has been so nervous about what to do, how to kiss him or touch: truly, he was his first, in all the ways possible and imaginable. And that made him wanted Brian more and more, finally able to be the one in control, the one who Brian would have looked up because more experienced.
Brian was melting under his hands, his body was like wax and Nick was the sculptor who can model him in ways he couldn’t understand. He just accepted it and gave himself open to the younger lover.
They broke up from their kiss, both breathed heavily and with love glassed eyes. “Okay, that’s set. I’m not going out, I’m staying here with you!”
“As much as I want you to, your brother won’t be very happy about that.” Brian breathed, leaning his forehead against Nick’s. “It’s only one night, baby.”
“Aaron will understand why I suddenly couldn’t go with him.” Nick whispered in that low and husky tone that made Brian’s knees go weak like jelly.
“Nicky... you know that...” Brian tried to object but his protests only have the result to
“That I’m turning you on?”
“I’m not ready.”
That simple statement seemed to break the atmosphere; Nick got up from the bed, an angry frown on his face. Brian went after him, grabbing his arm and made him turn: when he was able to look at him, Brian noticed the dark light in his ocean eyes, a light that always made a little fear crept up under his skin, knowing how bad Nick’s temper would turn out.
He tried to reach out a hand but Nick flinched away.
“Baby, I’m sorry...”
A small dry laughter escaped Nick’s lips. “You’re always sorry but that doesn’t change the fact that you don’t want me to touch you.”
“It’s not like that! You’re my first and...”
Nick didn’t let him finish. “Are you afraid of me? Do you really believe that I will hurt you?”
“No!”
“So what’s the problem? Every time, Brian, every damned time I try to go a little deeper, you block me! Why?”
Brian lowered his gaze, not wanting Nick to see the tears that were threading to drop. “It’s not you.”
Nick kicked the chair in an angry gesture, sending it on the floor with a loud thump. “It has to be me since you don’t trust me.”
“I do, I truly trust you but I fear that I can’t live up to all your previous lovers.”
“I never asked you to! I’m committed to you, something that I haven’t done with anyone else before! So why don’t you trust me? I promise you that it will be an amazing experience!”
“And after that? How can I be sure that you will be with me even if I disappoint you?”
Nick’s eyes grew bigger with shock. For a long moment, he just stood there, looking at Brian like he was an alien. “You... I can’t believe you think so little about me, Brian.” He said in a toneless voice.
Brian would have beaten up himself, hearing the pain lingered in that words. “Nicky... I love you!”
“You have a great way to display it.” Nick replied, turning to leave. He knew that, if he stays a little while longer, he will do something regretful.
“No, no, no! Nick, don’t go! Please!” begged Brian, knowing how bad he screwed up... Nick acted always like he was so sure of himself when, in reality, it was all a cover up for all the insecurities that lie within him.
Why can’t he give Nick that little thing?
Nick stopped but only to take his jacket. He never turned to look to Brian, aware to the fact that seeing him hurt and his eyes full of guilty would be enough to forgive him on that moment. But he wounded pride wouldn’t let him do that. Brian had to know how bad it hurt knowing that he hadn’t his trust.
“I have to. I can’t talk with you right now... believe it or not, I don’t want to hurt you.” Nick said. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning. I will stay with Aaron tonight.”
“Please... don’t...” Brian pleaded even if he knew that it was useless. Nick made up his mind and nothing could ever change it. Sadly and heart – broken, he watched him open the door, leaving without a goodbye or a kiss.
He stood there, in the center of the room, listening to the defying and too loud silence. He wanted so much to run behind Nick, begging to forgive him but he couldn’t move, he was like frozen in his place, repeating like a mantra Nick’s hurtful words.
“Rok? You ready?”
AJ appeared at the door, still open, and suddenly knew that something was wrong with his friend. Or should he called his secretive love? Brian never told out open that he was gay so AJ never allowed himself to believe having a chance with him... yes, what a surprise when he found Brian and Nick making out in a dressing room!
He sensed that two guys weren’t made for each other but he wouldn’t be the one who broke them off. So he stayed behind, waiting for his chance to appear and offering a shoulder to cry on when Brian and Nick fought, which lately happened too often.
The voice of his friend seemed to knock Brian out of his thoughts; he swallowed his tears and managed to smile a little bit, not wanting to worry AJ. “Give me a minute.” He said, disappearing in the bathroom, holding to his chest the black shirt Nick chose before for him.
It was a little consolation but, by wearing that, he could feel like Nick was still with him.
******************************************************************
“So, how are the things with Nick?” AJ asked Brian, once they pulled off from the dance floor and sat on the stools at the bar counter. They had been dancing since they had arrived at the club, only the two of them, because Howie had gone off with a blonde curly girl.
AJ was concerned about Brian, who hadn’t spoken a single word since they got out of his hotel room; he was so withdrawn and the smile, that smile he was so in love with, was only a dark shadow and didn’t reach his eyes or lighten them up.
“Good.” Brian answered mindless, sipping a little of his drink. He didn’t want to talk about what happened before but he knew AJ wouldn’t let him go without confess his problems. And truth was, he wanted to talk with AJ because he knew that his friend will be able to make him feel better.
“Hey, cut up all the excitement or you’re gonna blown up this place!” AJ joked, hoping to bright up the mood in his friend.
Brian slapped playfully AJ on the shoulder. “Jackass!”
“Seriously, Bri, what’s the matter?” AJ asked when the laughter died down
Brian closed his eyes, letting out a frustrated sigh. He knew that their fight was mostly because of him but why Nick couldn’t understand his view? “It’s... you’re gonna laugh till the end of the world when you know...”
AJ caught Brian’s hand between his, a serious stare on his eyes. “I would never...” he said, stressing the word never. “Ever laugh at you or at one of your problems.” Brian was taken aback by the caring tone in Alex’s voice, like he was meaning the fact that he wasn’t being ridiculous, which he knew he was... great! Now he was rambling in his thoughts! Still, he didn’t understand why being so close to his friend was giving him weird feelings, like the beat faster of his heart.
Maybe it was the beer he was drinking, he wasn’t a heavy drunker... yeah, it was, without a doubt, that the reason!
“I’m ruining everything with my so called fear! Nick... I know he loves me and I love him too, gosh! I loved him since the first time I saw him! But... you know how Nick was before we got together, he went after guys only for sex, not caring to stay around to know them better. But... with me, it’s different because he knows me and... I’ve waited for him all this time, I hadn’t any boyfriend neither a one night stand so... so what if I’m only...” Brian’s voice trembled, speaking is ultimate fear was so difficult to do!
“Only a good fuck?” AJ added, sensing the hesitation in Brian’s voice.
“You must be always this blunt?” Brian snapped, glancing with fury at AJ. “Sorry, I didn’t mean... but, yeah, that’s what I feared the most. I’m honest with you and said that, yes, making love is kinda scaring me because, even if I don’t have any experience at all, I know it’s totally different with makin love to a woman. And I want to feel that deep connection with him but... I keep telling myself what if it would mean nothing for him? What if I’m not that good?”
AJ wanted to grab Brian by the shoulders and shake him to the truth! How can he hadn’t realized how much hot he was? And why didn’t Nick tell him the truth?
AJ felt his anger rising up, flaming in his veins, how dare Nick to treat Brian in that way?
“Have you tried talking to him?”
“That’s why we were fighting before. We were... you know... making out...”
“You can spare me the details, thanks!” AJ commented with a grin. Yeah, he didn’t want to know how good Nick’s kisses were, wishing silently that he was him instead. Wishing it was him who was making out with that angel standing beside him.
Brian blushed and a hand came up on his collar, trying to loosen it. “I’m not the type and you know!” he said, looking down at his bottle. “We were doing that and he wanted to... that and I panicked! I told him I wasn’t ready and he just got mad! Said that I must not love him so much if I don’t trust him!”
Brian looked to be on the verge of crying and all AJ wanted was to hug him, hold him and tell him to trust him instead of Nick.
But, before he could even said a word, Howie caught up with them. “Guys, do you mind if we call quit and go back to the hotel?”
AJ turned to look to Brian. “What do you think?”
Brian shrugged, he didn’t mind either decision. “Whatever you like. Nick will be out all night so...”
“Well, I can keep you company, if you like.” AJ offered, not wanting to end the night with Brian. He know he would regret his decision the morning after, when he would wake up and find that it was only a platonic night between friends but he couldn’t let slip away the chance to spend some hours alone with Brian.
“Why everyone thinks that I can’t stand alone and be happy?” Brian whined playfully. But then his expression got softer as he looked back to AJ. “I wouldn’t mind though.” He added in a whisper, really wanting to finish the conversation they were having before Howie interrupted them. He really need an advice and Alex was the best person he could think of. And... he didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts.
Mesmerized by the look of Brian, AJ didn’t dare to say anything; he knew his brain couldn’t phrase any logical and meaning words. Luckily, Howie jumped in. “Well, let’s go then.”
“One moment. I really have to go to the bathroom!” Brian said, leaving on the counter his beer.
Howie frowned. He wasn’t very fond of public restroom and, judging by the amount of people in the club, the hygienic level of the bathroom would be so low. “Can’t you wait until we’re at the hotel?”
“No, it can’t! Geez, Howie, it will take only few minutes!”
“It’s not that. Do you know how many diseases you can get in a public restroom?”
“Why don’t you tell AJ about it while I go in?” Brian asked, giggling.
“Thank you so much Brian! Now I have to listen him rambling about it while you’re gone!”
Brian stocked out his tongue while he running through the people.
Nobody, neither AJ or Howie noticed a tall blonde man who followed Brian, either his gaze, similar to a predator who had chosen his prey.
****************************************
Ten, twenty... half an hour passed and still Brian wasn’t back from the bathroom; Howie was getting nervous for so whatever reason but AJ... AJ was worried, even if he couldn’t pin up the reason why.
Maybe Brian had been sick and he knew how bad he could get just in a matter of time, him and Nick had always made fun of the older about how weak his stomach was!
Yeah, he was worried but there was something, on the pit of his stomach, that told him that something very bad had happened. He shrugged it off, blaming the alcohol and the conversation him and Brian were having before being interrupted by Howie.
He leaned forward Howie, closer so he would be heard. “D, I’m going to find out where the hell is Brian!”
Howie nodded. “I’m out of here. I will wait in the car!”
AJ, too, nodded and took off to where the bathroom was, making his way through the people dancing and making out on the dance floor.
As he approached the restroom, he saw a blonde man coming out of it and he was taken aback by how much he looked alike Nick: he was tall like him, his eyes were the same blue color and, even physically they were similar. The only difference was the grin on his face, a twisted and dark stare that sent chills through his spine.
He didn’t like the fact that he was in the bathroom the same time Brian was in.
And right there, standing in front of the door, his bad feeling came back forceful, pushing him to step in the restroom with a panic step.
“Brian?”
The room was empty and yes, Howie was right about the lack of hygiene: the payment was wet, paper toilet stuck up, creating a clammy path around the sinks. The only sound audible was the dipping of water in one of the sink; still AJ tended his ears, hoping to hear other sounds that would tell him where the hell was Brian.
The sickening feeling grew stronger as he reached the opposite wall, from which he could swear he heard a fainting and very low sob.
What he saw shocked him to the very core.
“Oh my fucking God!”