Consciousness was calling him, seeping its way through the dark clouds that surrounded his body. In the distance, he could hear muffled voices.
He had been stabbed God knows how many times. There was blood everywhere and his face... they still couldn’t recognize him since he had been punched so many times that he was unrecognizable.
Brian willed himself to dig more under the darkness, detaching himself from a reality that wanted only to hurt him over and over again.
And... if it wasn’t enough, he had carved the word “mine” on his arm. That was sick. This is a sick man.
A twisted man searching for him. Wasn’t he that lucky? He couldn’t deal with that. No, that was demanding from him strength he didn’t have. Being raped? He could deal it. Might being infected? It was scary but it could deal it, just like Aj had said. But this? No, no, no. This was too much!
The guiltiness was a heavy weight upon him, crushing him down, ripping out from him any spaces for breathing. Yes, he couldn’t breathe and, in totally honesty, that was only fair. Another man, a young guy who was out to have fun, couldn’t breathe anymore because of him. Only because he held some resemblances, only because that sicken man had confused him and burned his anger.
Was he that younger than him? What was his history, did he have family and friends? Brian wanted to know those things, wanted to grieve the loss of an innocent soul but it hurt too much to think about it.
Hurt. It was a different pain, deeper and raw. It was like a poison floating through his veins, pulsating and vibrating like it wanted to get out. But, nonetheless, it was pain and he was so sick and tired of hurting. He had been crying or screaming or breaking down for almost five days. He had tried to get up on his feet once again, tried to shake away the tempting numbness or the needing to hide forever somewhere. And every damned time, something had pushed him back on the ground, laughing at his miserable attempts to get his life back. What was the point on keep trying?
If he was gone, there would be no pain, no fears; nothing would hurt him more than he already was. If he was gone, no one would be hurt or, worse, be killed because he couldn’t get him.
A part of him, smaller than ever, was trying to reasoning and its voice sounded so much like Aj’s: glimpses of their past conversation raised up from the back of his mind, shining a little light through that ocean of darkness, soothing words that prompted to not give up, how strong he was and how he wasn’t alone through it all.
But those were before they found out what a crazy and psycho man was the one who raped him. Why didn’t he tell Aj about his threat?
Because if you told him that, it would have sent you back to that bathroom and you didn’t want to relive it.
But it happened the same, so it had been useless keeping things from Aj. A break. He needed a break from all the things going in his mind, he needed to breathe.
Darkness was calling him again but, this time, Brian submitted to the call. As he felt himself sank in a deeper place, he didn’t feel the hand grasping his in a warm grip or the other one slowly caressing his hair, a voice whispering that everything would be alright.
_____________________________
“Thanks.” Aj said as he took the blanket Kevin was handling him. He put it around the sleeping form at the center of the bed, still trembling even if he was covered already with three blankets.
Nick and Howie were in the main room, the first still on the phone with that policeman he knew – Michael, if he remembered correctly – trying to find any news while Howie was discussing furiously with their management.
It didn’t surprise him that Kevin had let Howie dealing with stuff that usually he would have done in a blink. It didn’t surprise him that he had been there with him, helping with Brian. Because, bluntly, he was at loss. This was something that went over and above what he could help in dealing, a crazy man that was going to the extreme just to get his prize, which was Brian.
If it was frightening the thought of this man following them wherever they were going, nothing could really phantom or explain finding out that an innocent had been killed only because he looked like his obsession.
He could barely imagine how deep the guiltiness was running through Brian’s veins. Anyone would be feeling in a way responsible for what had happened and Brian was the kind of guy that took by heart if his actions would affect other people. Getting though his skull and had him accepting that it wasn’t his fault it was something mostly likely impossible but it was important.
Three hours had passed since he had told him about the homicide and still Brian was in a state of shock, hidden in a sleep that Aj wished was at least without nightmares. When he first regained consciousness, all the guys had been there in the room but it seemed like Brian didn’t acknowledge what or who surrounded him. His eyes held that vacant gaze that Aj saw when he rescued him from the restroom so the best option left was soothe him back to sleep.
If there was one thing he had learned during those days it was that Brian crashed hard, yes, but that helped him to shake away the first burnt of fear, panic and shock. It seemed like that in sleep Brian found a new level of strength, willingness to fight whatever had been thrown once again against him. It wasn’t like he acted like nothing had happened, but he was more practical, focusing on what was needed to be done in order to heal. Just like that morning, only a few hours before: the smile, still not the one so typical of him, told how the fear of might be infected had been reduced to a faint anxiety.
How many other blows Brian could take before crumbling down? That was his fear; that was what scared him the most: if Brian lose his will, every hope of healing would be lost. Just like Brian.
“He will fight this, Jay.”
“How do you know? How can you be so sure?” Aj replied bitterly. His nerves were all jumpy and slightly tremors had started to take control of his hands, sign of the beginning of a craving. But he wouldn’t give in, not when someone else was looking up at him and envying a strength he didn’t believe he had. “You haven’t watched him, Kevin. Ask Nick how he reacted last night when he found out that he could have been infected. Watch him just for one night when nightmares didn’t leave him alone and made him scream like he’s being tortured.”
Kevin didn’t falter. Maybe because he knew that what needed Aj in that moment was just rambling out all the stress he had bottled up. “I’m not saying it would be easy.”
“This is beyond not being easy. A man was killed, do you have any ideas how Brian is feeling right now?”
Kevin turned his head towards his cousin, and in the orange light of a clouded sunlight, Aj thought that he looked older, with those lines deepened around tired and worn eyes. “He’s blaming himself, wondering if he’s worth all. Wondering if having everyone involved is a good idea or if he’s going to hurt us too in the end.”
Aj could only nod.
“Are you afraid he is going to give up?”
The question had been blunt, direct to the heart of his concerns. Yes, that was his fear, a dread to watch someone he cared – no, loved – deeply falling in his own mistakes. And Brian was much stronger than him, more levelheaded but... desperation was the same bitch to everyone. “I... yes.” He just admitted.
“He won’t. He didn’t give up when every doctor told that he was going to die. But... – Kevin stopped for a moment, trying to find the exact words. – I get your fears. I’m afraid too but I know that he has the supportive system to not sink so deep in depression. And, even if he does, we’re going to be there for him.” I’m not going to make the same mistake I’ve done with you, Aj.
A muffled groan snapped them from their conversation. Aj recognized it immediately; it was the signal that forecast a nightmare. Without a word, he slipped closer to Brian, taking his hand. He didn’t care if Kevin was there to witness; his mind was only focused on trying to snap the broken man from his nightmare before it got too much to bear even in his sleep. His thumb started stroking his palm, a soothing rhythm in tune with his fingers running through the already damp curls.
Kevin watched as a new Aj appeared in front of him. Oh, he knew that under his rebel side there was a caring boy but he had never witnessed that side of him. And it wasn’t that hard to see how much Aj cared for Brian, just the way he was whispering meaningless words just to soothe Brian’s fears down. Soon, his whimpers had reduced to just some sniffles here and there but Aj never stopped, the grip of his hand firmly around an arm while the other hand was still stroking now the cheek then a curl, a peaceable rhythm that was dissolving any lingering resilience in Brian to submit in the darkness.
Even from his spot, Kevin was able to see how deep was the bond between Brian and Aj: just before drifting away, Brian opened up a little his eyes, locking quite immediately with Aj’s, searching for a reassurance that nothing was going to hurt him while sleeping. When he saw that in Aj’s, he drifting off again, never leaving the intertwining of their fingers.
That was the moment when he realized how deeper was that connection, how far from just caring was the reason behind Aj’s gestures.
“You love him, don’t you?”
Aj turned his head towards Kevin. “Of course. I love you guys, even if sometimes...”
“No.” Kevin interrupted him. “You really love him.”
Silence fell between. Aj turned back his gaze on Brian, more peaceful than just some minutes before. “Yes” He rasped out, suddenly afraid of being in the same room with Brian’s overprotective cousin.
Aj would have been surprised if he could see inside Kevin’s thoughts. Because, in that moment, Kevin was thinking how perfect Brian and Aj seemed to be for each other. When Brian first said that he and Nick were together, he had been happy but not surprised. They were Frick and Frack, closer than any friends he had ever seen and it was like fate bringing them together as a couple. But, as he reflected on, he realized that if that relationship worked so perfectly for Nick, it wasn’t the same for Brian. Oh sure, Brian was in love with Nick, cared for the other guy more than he could ever mean with words. But that was the whole point: Brian loved Nick more than Nick loved Brian; he gave so much without receiving an ounce back. Not that Nick didn’t love him, just that he wasn’t really ready for the kind of partnership that Brian deserved. Looking back, Kevin could see now how they had been more like an extended version of their friendship, just adding up the loving part between them.
Aj, on the other hand, was the only one he could think of as a perfect partner for Brian. Stubborn as his cousin, he could give him the support Brian needed to finally be able to lean on someone, to load some of the brooding weight he always put over himself. They matched together like missing pieces, a combination of strength and willpower that would lead them through any obstacles along the way. And only Aj could really bring back the old Brian.
“I wanna see him happy again.” Kevin breathed out, an emotional vibe inside his stern voice. “And you are the only one who can succeed.”
Aj bite his lips. Kevin was the only one who he could reveal some of his fears. “What if I fuck up? What if he becomes too much dependent on me? What... what if he doesn’t need me anymore once he will be healed?” he asked in a cracked voice.
“You won’t fuck up, Age. You’re giving him a solid ground, something to hold onto when this bitch fate decides that it’s not enough what he’s already going through. And he’s not gonna ditch you when he’ll get better. And you know why?” Aj shook his head. “Because you’re the only one who had been able to see his fragile part and that only because he let you in. He told you his fears, he looked for you every time something is wrong or when he doesn’t know how to deal. He trusts you more than he had ever done with me or with Nick. That’s why I know he’s gonna stick around. Not only because of some sense of gratitude or because he feels he has to. But because he wants to.” Kevin would have added because he loves you but that was something that only Brian could tell Aj and it wasn’t going to be any time soon.
Before Aj could reply, before he could go past the emotional knot formed in his throat listening to those words, the door cracked open and Howie appeared. “Sorry to break in but management wants to talk to everyone.”
“Even Brian? I just got him back to sleep and...”
“No, we’ve already told them that he isn’t up to anything for now.” Howie answered. Aj looked reluctant, not really wanting to leave Brian all alone. Yes, he was sleeping and he would for a while but what if another nightmare hit him? What if he woke up in panic and didn’t see him? And why management needed all of them? Couldn’t they deal with Nick and Howie?
Howie gave him the reason why he was needed. “Jay, I know you don’t want to leave but you’re the only one who had seen the man, aside Brian. And they need a description. As soon as you finish, you can be back here.”
Kevin put a hand on his shoulder, even him was torn between their duty and being where he was supposed to be. “He’s going to be asleep for a while. Let’s go so we can be back.”
Aj leaned over Brian, planting a little kiss on his forehead. “I’m not leaving, hon. You sleep and I’ll be back before you can notice my absence.” Then he followed Kevin and Howie out of the room, leaving the door slightly open so he could hear Brian’s screams if he had another nightmare.
_________________________
Just from the first image, Brian knew that this nightmare was going to be different. For once, he wasn’t back at the club, no urine smell to warn him about what was coming for him. The dark blanket of the sky, without any stars to shine down, told him he was outside, even if he didn’t recognize exactly where he was.
Around him, people were passing by without noticing a lonely figure between them, like he was only a ghost and not a body of substance. Where the hell they were going?
He looked around, trying to find some hints about his surroundings and, when he had turned, he found out the place where they were running to: a tall round shaped building, painted in a white that stood up in the dark background. A huge poster announced what was the show for that night and Brian found himself staring at his own face. That was the arena where they should have played if it wasn’t for his breakdown.
Murmurs started to fill his ears, words of despair, yes, but there was a lingering worrying about what illness could prevent the band to do a show. It made him smile hearing fans, people who had paid to see them, being so concerned about their health and totally disinterested about losing something they put money in.
Still, he didn’t have any clue why he was there or why he was dreaming about staying in a square, surrounded by strangers. Lost in his thoughts, he suddenly saw someone who could help him: the blonde hair, the height... yes, that man walking quickly was indeed Nick.
“Nick! Nick” Hey, wait for me!” he shouted, hoping that his best friend could hear him over the buzz. But Nick never turned around, just kept his footing and walked.
Brian started jogging behind him, literally getting through people’s bodies, but the distance between him and Nick kept growing and growing until he couldn’t really see him anymore. He stopped, bending over with his hands on the knees trying to catch his breath. Where the hell Nick was going?
The scenario changed, now he wasn’t in the crowd but in a desert alley and two other guys were there too. Shock filled his bones, chilling and freezing everything it touched: the man who he thought was Nick was now bending over the other, sprawled over the floor moaning in pain and begging for his life to be spared.
Oh gosh, no! No, it couldn’t be that!
He couldn’t move, he was there watching a man being killed in a cruel and merciless way: blood was everywhere, the screaming so loud that Brian wondered how nobody was coming to see what was happening. The knife wouldn’t seem to stop, it kept going up and down and then was travelling on the arm, carving four letters.
Mine.
Brian woke up with a start, a half scream bottled up inside his throat and ready to escape. He forced it back down, not wanting to disturb any longer Aj. For the first moment, in fact, Brian was truly convinced that it was still morning and that the only thing happened was the realization of the unprotected rape. He shivered at that thought, the itching to scrub his own skin returned with a forceful vengeance but he fought it, reminding himself that it was just a possibility and he had to be optimistic and practical.
He was alive, that was all that mattered in the end. Alive and not alone. He could do it.
He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down; a wheezing sound filled the room as air hitched in and out of his lung, barely capable to grasp enough oxygen to breathe. Lingering images from his nightmare told him a different story and suddenly he remembered that it wasn’t morning, daylight was already darkening and something really bad had happened.
Guiltiness clamped down on his stomach, a tight knot that made him nauseous as bile and acids started their climb up on his throat. In a quick spun, he was out of the bed, barely managing to avoid stumbling with all the blankets still tangled up and got to the toilet just in time. There was nothing more in his stomach so the dry heaving made his body hurt more than it was already, a combination of tiredness, exhaustion and bruises that yet had to fade. Tears mixed with beams of sweat and, God, he just wanted everything to stop, why did he have to go through something like that?
What he had done to deserve a nightmare like the one he was living? And it seemed like it was never going to end, not until they found that man and locked him where he couldn’t hurt anyone. How many other people had he hurt because of him? How many other guys had been hurt, tortured or killed only because they looked like him?
Acid burned his throat as he retched again wishing his mind would stop just for a minute to keep going around and around. But it wouldn’t stop, thoughts were running wild, trying to process anything.
He felt a sort of relief that, for now, he had been only raped. Gosh, how lucky he had been that night! What if he had met him in an alley? Would he be still alive?
Fighting dizziness, Brian tried to stand up from his crunched position. At first attempt, he risked falling against the cold glass of the shower but he managed in time to hold himself up. He waited until the room wasn’t spinning around him like in a mad rollercoaster then he wobbled until he reached his bathroom bag. If Aj didn’t go over his bag, then it would be still there. Logic and rationality slipped away from him, his mind wrapped around one only wish, one only need: numb the pain, stop the never end hurt that came with thoughts and nightmares.
He launched things useless for him in that moment and didn’t care where they landed or if he broke something. He wasn’t paying attention at all, just focused on simply things like breathing and making his heart beating a little slower, remembering how he wasn’t supposed to be under a lot of stress. Who cared, anyway? Who cared f he was going to give himself a heart attack? Who fucking cared if something would happen to him? Maybe his absence would just make a favor to everyone: without him, no one would be harm.
Then, he found what he was looking for. He knew he had it, because he didn’t trust Nick going around with a bottle of valium. Both of them had fear of heights and going around in a plane wasn’t that much exciting as it was for Kevin. The bottle was half empty, only ten pills were left but they could still do their work. At least, maybe he would be able to sleep without dreaming about a psycho Nick’s clone killing an innocent guy.
Pills in his hand, Brian stared at them. It wasn’t that hard swallowing them, just one at time.
Could he really do that? Running away as a coward... no, it wasn’t coward to try to protect the one you love from being hurt. And that was what he was doing. Hurting them all, especially... especially Aj. For a brief moment, he pictured him with his nose still swollen, blooded tissues in the bin and he bet he left him some bruises at the rate he had hit him.
He couldn’t keep doing that to Aj. As he had protected Nick by breaking up with him, he had to do the same with Aj. Would he be disappointed? Would he be feeling like he had betrayed him?
But he couldn’t take anymore and sure he wasn’t going to let other shit be thrown at him, not when he wasn’t able to stand tall.
Please, Alex, forgive me.
----------------------------
People were talking, discussing about what was the right move to do, whether if Brian would be up going on with the tour or not and stuff like that.
Aj didn’t pay really attention, too much worried about the broken man hidden in the bedroom. He was going to be so mad if he’d known that they were deciding without hearing his opinion. And a part of him was looking forward to see Brian snapping, finally giving in to all the anger that lingered inside him. Brian’s temper was deep, yes, but it was very rare to witness because Brian held other healthy way to work out any anger or rage. And that was what Brian needed, a forceful reaction instead of panicking or crying. Now, he reflected, was too soon to react in that way. Blame was still having control of his emotions so he needed to see past it, to see that it wasn’t his fault if a psycho man decided to kill someone who looked alike him. The reason behind that homicide was still a mystery. Why killing an innocent? If Brian was his focus, he should have gone after one of them, a warning to not mess up with him and to give in. If having Brian was his main goal. But... he had his chance, back in the club. Why did he only raped him and not kidnapping?
He stopped for a moment his train of thoughts, a slightly headache starting to form on top of everything. Gosh! How he needed a drink, something to give him the strength to keep going without worrying too much, something that could stop all those sickening image about how Brian came closer to be that killed man. And how he was still in danger, since the psycho told him he was going to be back for more.
But Brian was holding onto him and he couldn’t let him down. Who knew where he could be if he was still the same person who seek oblivion to escape his demons. No, he couldn’t betray his trust just because he had fucked up before.
Then, coming from nowhere, a sense of dread casted down on him like a cold blanket. At first, he didn’t know what to think about it so he just brushed it as nerves too jumpy and too much stress. But minutes passed by and the dread kept growing until it was the only thing he could think about. Voices stayed in the background, long forgotten were their problems about touring or not, security and what to tell to the media.
Something was wrong, deadly wrong and the center of that irrational fear was coming from the other room. What could it be? No one could get into that room, the only entrance was the door connecting the bedroom to the room where they were and since they were on the tenth floor no one could reach through the balcony. Unless he was Spiderman.
Driven by instincts, Aj got up and with quick steps covered the distance between him and the room while his mind tried to find what could be wrong. Many were the options but none of them were reassuring: another nightmare, another panic attack and how much severe it would be. How long Brian could go on?
They had to find something or he would drag Brian to a hospital himself.
But when he entered in the bedroom, he found out shocked that the room was empty, although it looked like a hurricane had passed and thrown away everything that was inside and on the bed.
Where was Brian?
Not on the balcony, he was afraid even when other people were out! That left only the bathroom.
He walked over and knocked softly.
“Bri, you okay? Need a help?”
He waited for an answer but only he met only silence.
“Bri?”
After no answers, Aj decided to take matters in his hands. He didn’t care if he found Brian naked or what, he had to be sure that he was alright. The room was like the bedroom, messy and with things everywhere, like Brian had deliberately launched and didn’t worry where they landed. As he had done the day before, he started looking for any hints about what had set Brian off. Nothing seemed so dangerous or frightening and still no signs of Brian.
Then, he noticed two things, almost at the same time: first, on the sink there was an empty bottle of Valium and second, a sob lead him to where Brian was hiding. He followed that tiny sounds and found him sat down between the toilet and the shower. He had his eyes closed, trembles ragged his body but no signs of pills.
Had he really done it?
He kneeled down in front of him, placing a hand on his ankle. “Bri? Tell me you didn’t do it. Tell me you flushed those pills.”
A itched sob, followed by Brian opening up one of his hands, was his answer: that open hand held ten pills.
Before Brian could think it again, Aj snagged and throw them in the toilet, quickly flushed it.
“How many did you take?”
Part of himself didn’t want to believe that Brian had done something that stupid, wished that Brian wasn’t a coward like had been in the past. But truth was that there was a slightly possibility that he had done it.
Time seemed to stop as Aj waited for Brian to answer. Maybe he was wasting time, maybe he should just called someone for help... and then, with an unnoticeable gesture of his head, Brian said no.
Relief swept through Aj and he couldn’t help the scream that escaped his mouth, “Why? Why Brian?”
He was angry, mostly towards himself for having left Brian all alone. Gosh, how could he be that stupid? And why did he listen to Kevin when he told him that Brian would be okay. He should have known better.
“I don’t wanna... I don’t wanna hurt anymore.”
Even if told by a broken voice, those words held so much sorrow and helpless that Aj wished he was anywhere but in that room. Or, better, he wished he could just turn back time and force Brian to wait until they were in the hotel to go to the bathroom. But he couldn’t, he could just try to help Brian, hoping that there was something left.
“I thought I could do it. Slipping away and feeling nothing. I was ready and it was the best decision. If I was gone, no one would be hurt anymore.” Brian kept talking with his eyes closed, too ashamed to look up to Aj and admit how coward he had been. He didn’t’ know if he was because he had tried to die or because he had failed. “I couldn’t do it. I thought of you and how much disappointed you would be. I was going to hurt you more and... and I couldn’t. I’ve hurt you already too much.”
“Brian, you didn’t. Why do you think you hurt me?”
Brian opened up his eyes, glossy from unleashed tears that didn’t want to let out, and looked back at him: Aj didn’t look like he’d slept at all, with almost visible shadows around his eyes that stood up more under the neon light of the bathroom. Brian cringed at that sight, knowing that it was partly his fault if Aj was on the verge of collapse from lack of sleep. Or beginning to feel a craving, if his trembles were a sign of it. And then... then there were the physical and visible effects: his nose looked swollen and probably tender. He didn’t remember those minutes when he had been trapped in his own panic, fearing that he was back in that public restroom, afraid that history was going to repeat itself. He knew he had tried to fight back and probably that was the result of his hits.
“I did.”
Aj shook his head, understanding what Brian was referring to. “You were in panic and I knew that I might get some bruises if I grabbed you but I didn’t want you to do something very stupid, like punching a wall.”
“You should have.” Brian murmured. “At least, I can deal with physical pain. But this?” He shook his head as tears finally started to fall down. “I can’t. A guy had been killed because of me. How... how can I get past this, Alex? How can I let everyone else getting involved when there’s the risk that they can be harmed only because they’re trying to protect me?”
“So this was your resolution? Dying?”
Something clicked in Brian, something that made him wear a mask of anger. “Yes.”
“Oh, really? So you think that we were going to be happy that you thought about dying instead to fight?”
“What if I’m tired of fighting? What if I’m tired to always have to get up and being thrown back on the ground?”
“Then you let us help you.”
“I don’t want you to help me!” Brian screamed, getting up so suddenly that Aj crumbled down on his ass. He saw Brian swaying for a moment but that moment passed so quickly as he started to pace. “I didn’t want all of this! I didn’t want to be the ultimate prize of a psycho man! What have I done to deserve this?”
“Nothing, Brian. You didn’t nothing.”
“Then why? Why me? Why that innocent man? And how long it will take before he gets me?”
“He won’t.”
“Oh, because you know what the future holds? He had killed and he would do again if it means getting me! And I won’t let another death blamed on me.”
Aj jumped on his feet, this time he didn’t want to stand and watch Brian keep blaming himself for something he couldn’t do anything to prevent. He didn’t want to watch Brian keeping pacing like that, his arms wrapped tightly around his waist and fingernails digging deeply into skin, drawing angry red lines across both forearms. “No one is blaming you. And you shouldn’t.” His stern voice did the trick, stopping abruptly Brian who turned and looked at him.
“So who’s to blame? Nick? He was supposed to protect me but he chose to leave me alone! Or let’s see... you? Where in the hell were you when he was raping me? Or what about Kevin?” Brian let out a dry laughter. “Yes, let’s blame my overprotected cousin that once again failed me. Are you happy now? I’m not blaming me!”
“There is one person that has to be blamed and you know who he is. You didn’t bring this upon yourself and you can’t blame yourself if someone is that sick that let his obsession take over his mind.”
“But he chose me. Me. Not you, not Nick or Howie or Kevin. Me.”
“The only thing you should have done to prevent all of this if you never joined us. You wouldn’t be famous and maybe no one would ever developed a so sick obsession. But you can’t change the past and you can’t take everything on your shoulders only because you can’t find a reason why it had happened. It’s not your fault and you didn’t kill that guy.”
“Then... why it feels like I have done it?” His entire figure looked defeated, like it had lost any will to fight.
“Because you care. If it was another person, the first thought would have been how lucky he had been that it didn’t happen to him. Not you. You’re here wishing it was you so no one, even a stranger that you would never met, won’t be harmed.”
Brian leaned against the shower’s glass, feeling suddenly empty: anger had flowed away, bringing away every energy left. The dizziness was back and he just wanted to stop the world from spinning only for a moment. “I can’t take this anymore, Alex.” He didn’t know if he was referring to the dizziness or to the whole situation. He just did. He couldn’t take anymore blown.
“I know, hon. But you will get through this because you’re strong.”
“Stop! Please, stop!” Brian screamed, hot tears streaming down his face. “Stop saying that! Stop! I’m not strong so, please, stop saying!”
Aj didn’t flicker or faltered. “Yes, you are.” He said as it was a matter of fact.
Brian took a step back, like he was trying to put a safe distance between his anger and Aj. “No! I’m not! Look at what I was trying to do!”
“They key word is “trying”. You stopped before really doing it, that proves that you are strong. That means that you want to face whatever is going on instead that running and taking the easy way.”
“But... I’ve let you down.” Brian whispered sounding like a little child.
“You didn’t, Bri.” Aj’s soft voice reassured the broken man. “You know, you keep saying how I’m strong but... the truth is that... yes, maybe now I’m a stronger man but back then I wasn’t. I did time and time again what you hadn’t done, I didn’t want to face my demons because I knew it was a hurting process. Instead, I didn’t want the pain, I didn’t want to accept that part of myself that was desperately crying out for help. I tried to silence it with pills and alcohol and... In the beginning, it helped, you know? I didn’t feel nothing, no hurt, no pain, no sense of failure. Nothing at all. But it didn’t last too long. Once the effects were done, all kept coming back again, ten thousand worse. That’s why you fall in addiction, because you need more and more to stop the pain. And one day, you come to realize that the only way to stop everything is... dying.”
Slowly, Brian and Aj slid down on the floor, not once Brian thought about slipping off his hand from Aj’s. For the first time, that physical contact wasn’t only for his benefit, to gain some strength and comfort from his friend. No, that time was the other way around, for the first time Brian felt like time had turned back its hands and he was back at being the confidant one, the one everyone would always turning to when they had some problems. He felt useful, not the helpless mess of the last days.
“It happened, Alex? I mean... you’re here so that says that you hadn’t but...” Brian stuttered a little, faltering in what he was trying to say.
“Yeah. I overdosed twice. Once, I managed to call myself 911 since I was at home all alone. Last, mom brought me to ER. Tried to get me to a rehab center but I... well, I kicked her out from my room.”
A small laughter rose up in Brian’s throat. “You know that I did the same to Kevin?”
“What?” Aj looked at him like he had grown another head. “When?”
Brian leaned on the wall, letting his head rest on the cold surface. “When I had the surgery. I was still pissed off at all of you for not being there and Kevin stood there, hiding behind his mom and looking like he wanted to be everywhere but there.” Turning his face to look at Aj, Brian grinned. “So I kicked him out.”
“See? If you can stand up to Kevin and kick him out, you can beat this.”
“It’s not the same, you know? Kevin didn’t... didn’t kill anyone.”
Aj leaned over, no more distance between the two of them so that their foreheads were pressing together. Brian didn’t flicker as he was fearing he would. With Aj, it was so natural, so easy to open up and let him see the thunderstorm inside his soul. With Aj, it was so simple to give himself over and being take care of. With Aj, touch and being touched weren’t that frightening.
“Don’t interrupt me now, okay? You’re strong, Brian. And you know why? ‘Cause no matter how hard it is for you, you’re asking help and you are dealing with all in a healthy way. You’re talking, lashing out and yes, even crying. But you aren’t let this win over you, you’re not that coward to swallow those pills and ending all.”
“But the pain is still here.”
“I know, hon.” Brian smiled a little at that nickname while Aj cupped his cheek, a thumb stroking away the last traces of tears. “And it will never fade away completely. You just have to find a way to deal with it, a good way.”
“And it’s not going to happen soon, right?” Brian asked even though he knew it was just a rhetorical question.
“I want you to promise me that you will come to me, I don’t care if I’m sleeping or whatever, if you ever feel again like that, you have to come and talk to me. I can only help you if you’re honest with me and if you trust me.”
Brian brought up his right hand and covered Aj’s, still cupping his face. “I trust you, Alex.”
“Aren’t you scared?” Aj joked, just to lift up the moment.
“A little.” Brian answered with a chuckle. “But you have to be honest with me too.”
“I am.” Aj said, a little confused. “I’ve told you things no one knows, neither Howie.”
“I know now I can’t do so much but... I wanna help you too. This situation is stressing you, isn’t it?”
“Yes, but it’s not your fault. Don’t you dare to start!” Aj quickly tried to reassure him. He didn’t need this on top of everything.
“I think it is. At least, a part of it. How bad is your craving?”
“I’ve had worse.”
“How can I help you?”
“Have you got something to drink?” Aj joked. The scold he got in return made him turn back to be serious again. “Really, Brian. You don’t have to do nothing. You’ve much worse to think about.”
“And they will be here waiting for me when I’m done with you. Please? I need to... be myself for a while, to focus on something that it’s not me or my fears or my panic. Let me take care of you.”
Aj sighed, knowing that he couldn’t deny that to Brian. Not only because he was right, a distraction from his problem was probably the only thing that could help him but because... how could he refuse to be taken care of by Brian?
“Okay.”
The warm smile he got in response cleared his mind from some leftover of doubts.
“What about lying down on the bed? Maybe sleeping? You need to sleep, mister.”
“You are telling me to sleep? Have you looked to yourself in the mirror? Panda’s style it’s not for everyone and it doesn’t suit your complexion.” With that joke, Aj rose up and then held out a hand to help Brian get up. He was still worried about the little episode of dizziness he had before and he made a note to himself to talk with Kevin. Between the throwing up and not eating, he didn’t know how long Brian could hold up like that.
“Tell that to my nightmares! I would love to sleep.”
To that, Aj didn’t have any answer to give so he just led Brian to the bedroom. The blankets were still all over the floor but he just grab the first and then motioned Brian to sit on the bed.
“Wasn’t I the one supposed to take care of you?” Brian asked with a raised eyebrow, confusion written in his features.
“Oh, you will. Just didn’t want to see you passed out on the floor.”
Aj laid down next to Brian, curling up but not really touching him in any other ways if not by holding his hand, his trembling growing worse and worse with each minute passing.
“Just sleep, Alex.” Brian whispered, daring himself as he started running his fingers through Aj’s hair.
“You... you remember when we were for the first time in Europe? You used to sing Nick to sleep ‘cause he was always scared that he would sleep ‘till late and we were going to forget about him and leave him somewhere in Germany.”
Brian laughed but smiled at the same time. “Yes, I remember. A time when Nick was shorter than me. Didn’t last too long, though.”
Aj brought himself closer. “We three always rooming together ‘cause we were the youngest and Kevin trusted you. I was afraid too but too proud to tell out loud so I just pretended to be already asleep so I could... pretend that you were singing even for me. Your voice always calmed me.”
“Oh, Alex. You could have said it, you know I would never make fun of you. You and Nick were the youngest, first time far from your family.”
Aj shrugged. “Can... can you do that again?”
“Sing you to sleep?”
“Yeah.”
“Sure. Any request?”
“No, just sing.”
Brian thought about which song he could sing. In a way, he wanted to thank Aj for everything he had done in those days. Then, he came up with the perfect song. “I don’t know if you know this. Last year, when we were in New York, I dragged Nick to see a musical and this song is just… perfect.”
At first, his voice was still a little rough from the screaming and retching but Aj thought that, no matter how raw it sounded, it was still like hearing an angel sing. His angel.
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today because I know you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Half way through the wood
Who can say
If I've been changed for the better
Because I know you
I have been changed for good
The craving was soon forgotten, Brian’s voice lead him to a peaceful place where he could dream that he and Brian could have a chance to be together.
Brian smiled when he noticed that Aj was deep asleep. Without even really noticing at first, he started to run his thumb along Aj’s cheek.
I don’t believe I’m strong as you say, Alex. But I believe in you and I trust you. If you say so, I guess I’m gonna try my hardest to not fail you.