The hotel room was tiny, large enough for a small bed to fit in. On the left side, near to the door that lead to the bathroom, a desk was covered up with photos, posters and newspaper’s pages. Only a face was circled with a deep crimson red line, the face that belonged to the sandy blonde haired man, often posing near another guy who looked so much alike the man that had cut those images.

 

The man traced with his index fingertip those features he loved so much: the cheekbones, so defined; those lips curved in a flashing smile; the nose a little too big but so harmonious on that face. He left the most precious feature last, mesmerized by those blue oceans that seemed to go deeper and deeper the more time he looked into them. Now, something more he saw in them: the fear, a light that darkened them into a blue night sky but no stars shining. The fear he saw when he cornered him in that bathroom, finally reaching what he had been searching in the last years.

 

His hands picked up the photos, where other two men stared back at him. He compared them to his beautiful angel: the resemblance was there but they didn’t come close to the original. He tried to change them; Stephen, for example, had been a dark haired guy before he convinced him to dye them blonde. But it hadn’t worked, no one could be like the original. Nigel, Mitch... those had been only a fair palliative to cure his obsession.

 

The first time his eyes fell on Brian something stirred inside him, a burning desire that he felt only a few times before in his life. The angelic looks combined with a sense of innocence was a tough temptation that he barely could fight, let alone could fathom to win over. Truth was that he didn’t want to battle that need, he wanted it to grow until it was something he couldn’t escape, until that fallen angel surrendered to him, begging him to have mercy on his soul and let his body burn with the pleasure.

 

Leaving the photos on his left side, he opened up his laptop, quickly logging in a fan forum. Internet had been the key to his first victory: Bsb fans were like a CIA, they knew where the guys would be in a matter of hours and they were so willing to share all the information they held. Finding out the tour dates had been simple like breathing but he had to work harder to find all the travel info and where the band would be staying between concerts.

 

He had been lucky that night, that was for sure. According to the fans, Brian wasn’t the type to hang out in clubs as much as the others and rumor was that he and Nick had been lovers for some time, even though no proof had been brought up to confirm.  But still he went and he couldn’t believe his eyes when his saw him walking through the line of people, the neon lights made him shining like the true angel he was. So he had followed him, watched him in the shadows as he laughed and drank with that Aj guy. Hours passed but still he hadn’t left his spot. And then... it came. His chance.

 

Brian had left the bar and tried to find his way to the bathroom. Neither he realized that they exchange a brief gaze while he was walking by him.

 

He waited then one minute before stepping inside and closing the door so no one could enter.

 

The images, along with the sensations and the sounds, came back to him like a river, swallowing him under a force he couldn’t and didn’t want to fight back.

 

He had to get him back, he couldn’t wait any longer. Those lips... oh, those lips looked so delicious that he bet they would do an amazing job.

 

After checking the right directions for their hotel, the man closed his laptop and gathered his things to get out.

 

“You’re gonna get yourself killed if you want to keep up with this obsession.”

 

The man didn’t listen to that voice, a voice of a man he once loved until he found out that he wouldn’t want to be like Brian. A ghost past lover.

 

“Yeah, ignore me but you’re gonna pay what have you done to me and to the others!”

 

Oh, he couldn’t stay calm with that reply! “Stop! You didn’t exist anymore! I made sure of that!”

 

“Oh yes. You killed me because I didn’t want to become a clone!”

 

“You don’t exist, you don’t exist, you don’t exist.” The man kept saying while pacing.

 

“I exist in your mind. And soon, Nigel and Mitch will join me. You really think you’ve got a chance with that singer of yours?”

 

“He’s gonna love me! You don’t understand! I’m gonna have him and he’s gonna be mine forever.”

 

With those last words, the man slammed the door closed.

 

Inside his room, no one was there.

 

 

 

************

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Brian woke up, the first thing he noticed was that he wasn’t on the bus. He remembered Aj trying to wake him up but he had turned away. Then, he heard voices, someone had picked him up, he thought that it had been Kevin and he felt protected.

 

Even though he still had to open his eyes, the mattress he was lying on was far softer than the couch on Aj’s bus. Just to be sure, he tended his ears and the lack of the typical sounds while travelling told him that he was probably in one of the hotel rooms in their next city. He didn’t remember where they were supposed to be, a lot of things were still blurred in his mind.

 

Still, he felt his mind clearer than it hadn’t been in the last days. He still felt tired and he would have gladly turned over and gone back to sleep, even though he didn’t know if he would be lucky enough to not make any other nightmare.

 

Panic, fear and hurt were waiting for him, hidden in that shattered place that was his soul but, in that moment, Brian found the strength necessary to keep them in their shadows.

 

Maybe, it had been the resting sleep he finally managed to get or, maybe, he was just too tired to keep thinking about what happened.

 

Yes, he had been raped. Yes, it had shattered him. But he was still alive, still breathing and without any damage to prevent him to do his job.

 

And, through all this, he had found an amazing friend in Aj.

 

The thought brought him a smile, a warmth that melt some of the numbness still lingering in his heart.

 

Aj was more than a friend. When he thought he had lost everything, Aj had been there, holding out a hand.

 

There had been a moment when he had really considered giving up, hiding forever in his room and just lying in the bed, shutting everyone out. Suicide didn’t appeal him, mostly because he knew how much precious life was, having risked it twice. But he couldn’t deny its attractions, how it could dissolve any hurt, any breaking.

 

He stretched, repressing a moan as his back protested to that sudden movement.

 

He was tired of thinking about the bad things, how could he possibly heal if he kept bringing up what he had to erase?

 

So much depended on him, so many people were looking up at him and he couldn’t let them down.

 

Mostly, he couldn’t let himself down.

 

What was another bump in the road? He had surpassed things harder, hell, he fought and won over death.

 

A new force hit him and he felt more alive than ever. He wanted to get better, he wanted to heal and find a new self. That was his goal.

 

And, really, he wasn’t alone. Aj was there, beside him every step the way.

 

He was so courageous, facing his own monsters just to help him through all. The little hints he shared, the wisdom behind his words that made him older than his real age.

 

He needed to step up mostly because of Aj, mostly because he wanted to show him how much his words had given a new hope and a new strength.

 

“Oh, Sleeping Beauty is finally awake. And without a kiss from her prince.”

 

Hearing the raspy sound of Aj’s voice, Brian opened his eyes and flash a small smile in his direction. How could he not feeling a small ray of happiness when Aj greeted him with a funny comment? That... yes, that was what was keeping him alive, giving him a sense of normality.

 

“You are my Prince Charming? Oh boy, why aren’t you in your costume?”

 

“Blue doesn’t suit me. I prefer black.” Aj joked while sitting on the bed a few inches far from Brian. He was... shocked, happy shocked to see Brian like that: even if it was dim, a new light was shining in his eyes, like he had found a small piece of peace. “So, I guess you’re feeling better.”

 

“Sleep do that to you, you know? I’m still tired but… no nightmares.” Brian scooted back a little, motioning Aj to come closer. “I’m not that frail, Jay. And, before you can ask, yes, I will eat a little for breakfast.”

 

Aj was stunned.

 

“Wow, I managed to shut you up.”

 

“It’s kinda surprising the change, Bri.” Aj answered. “Yesterday you looked so broken and now… I’m not going to say that it’s like nothing has happened but that’s something different in your attitude.”

 

“I’ve done some thinking. I’m not okay and it will be a rough way to catch up and feel like normal again. But I can’t keep swimming in an ocean of hurt and negative thinking. Because one day the waves will pull me under and I don’t know if I will be able to come up again. And... it could have been worse. That man could have killed me or kidnapped me and that’s more terrifying.”

 

“Don’t downplay your situation. Yes, it could have been much worse but it is still something very serious and bad ”

 

“I’m not, really.” Brian said, touching briefly Aj’s fingers before grasping them in a tight grip. “But I want to focus on the good things and on healing. I’m not alone and what happened... isn’t something I should be ashamed of. I didn’t want it, sure, and I didn’t look for it but... I didn’t deserve it either. Is it unfair? Yes, it’s so damned unfair but crying and being just depressed won’t change the fact that I’ve... I’ve been... raped.” He stuttered the last words, still having some problems admitting out loud that reality. He looked up to Aj’s face and all he saw in those chocolate eyes was pure support and love. “I’m not alone. I’ve got you and I’m so lucky cause... you’re the only one who really knows what I’m going through. I know it’s hard for you, watching me going through the demons you have defeated. And... you were alone through this and still look at you now: strong, confident and not ashamed to show your weakness and admitting that you need help.”

 

Aj knew that Brian’s words were dictated by only their friendship, how could he possibly think about love whit all that he was going through but... still, it was uplifting to know how much admiration Brian held for him. Some of it he didn’t deserved because he brought himself a lot of troubles while Brian didn’t do anything. 

 

At loss of words, Aj squeezed Brian’s hand, feeling that words couldn’t really explain how powerful and deep was that moment: here Brian was willing to give up control, to give up fighting him back and letting himself taking care.

 

“I’m not saying that I will be back to my old self, smiling, joking and hugging everyone. The mere thought of it still panics me a little.” As if it had been summoned, a small tremor passed through their fingers tangled up together. “But I won’t hide anymore. I won’t let this ruining me more than it already done.”

 

“That’s very brave.” Aj whispered, still amazed by all that.

 

“I’m not. I’m still scared about going out, still scared to tell the guys and let them near me. But I’m looking forward the day when I won’t be scared. That’s my goal and I’m going to fight with all my powers to succeed.”

 

“You want to tell the others?” Aj asked in surprise. He thought he had to fight with Brian, he thought that knowing that the others knew would just push Brian back inside himself, making Brian pushing him away.

 

“Nick already knows, right? And he didn’t run away or... pity me,. Kevin would be a little thick ‘cause I know he would rather cancel everything and send me back home but he will respect my whishes. And with you and a little help from Howie, I think we can restrain his protectiveness.” 

 

Aj stayed silent, biting his lips to prevent words he didn’t want to say.

 

“Jay, what’s wrong? You... you don’t think that they will support me?” Brian’s voice raised up a little, a tiny feeling of panic rushing over him: gosh, maybe he had been too optimistic, maybe they would run away or tell him that it was only his fault and...

 

“Bri, no, no! I don’t think that!” Aj had recognized the emotion between that hitching and the way his breathing had speed up. “Calm down, hon. It’s not that, It’s quite the opposite.”

 

Brian tensed up. “What?”

 

“When we made the stop, you were sleeping. So I went to pick up some things and talked with Howie. He told me that he already knew. Kinda... put all the pieces together since he saw you that night.”

 

“Oh my.” Brian moaned, putting a hand on his face.

 

“He said he knew a girl who went through it so he recognized the signs. And Kevin was there so… well… he knows too.”

 

“He knows?”

 

“Yes and although he doesn’t like he’s willing to stand back and letting you have all the space and time you need. Just one word and he’s ready to call management and tell them to fuck off the tour because you’re more important.”

 

Brian let go of Aj’s hand and curled up, resting his forehead against his knees. That information changed everything and he didn’t know how to react: he wanted to be angry, wanted to be pissed but mostly on himself ‘cause he hadn’t be able to cover what happened. But, in the meantime, he felt relief: he didn’t’ have to tell, didn’t have to look in their eyes while saying that someone attacked him in the most private way and he let himself react. A wave of shame run through him and when he felt Aj’s hand on his he recoiled back, just by instinct.

 

“They won’t come near you or talk if you don’t want, Brian.” Aj pleaded, more worried that he could let show. It had taken just one thing to bring Brian back to square one.

 

Gosh, how was he supposed to tell him about the crazy man?

 

Small steps. Now he had just to focus on Brian, solely on him and not everything else. So he started whispering soothing words meaningless while trying to reach for him. This time, when he tried to take one hand, Brian didn’t shriek back and Aj let out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

 

“Sorry. I... I didn’t mean to freak out.” Brian managed to say after a while, embarrassed about losing control so quickly. Guess he was still too messed up to have a steady hold on his emotions.

 

“Hey, it’s not something you can decide.” Aj joked, although those words held a simple truth.

 

Brian nodded a little shakily, trying to slow down his ragged breathing as he intertwining his fingers with Aj’s, the infinite warmth beneath them relaxed him somewhat. He knew that Aj deserved a little explanation and that was the whole point of his reflections: he had to let go of some fears and thoughts in order to heal and Aj was the best choice as confidant. That didn’t mean that he had to tell every little detail because Aj would understand without having a clear vision.

 

“You expected me to be pissed, right?”

 

Aj sighed, sitting more comfortable on the bed. “I don’t know. The only thing I was sure was that you wouldn’t like everyone to know what happened.”

 

Brian nodded. “I don’t like it, in fact. And I’m... angry? I don’t know, I thought I was doing a good job hiding and to realize that I’m that bad... – a weak laughter bubbled out from his throat. – But then I imagined me telling Kevin what happened and I know I couldn’t do it. Standing there, in front of him and telling how... how weak I was... it’s better this way.”

 

Aj wanted to tell him that he hadn’t been weak but he knew that right now those words would mean nothing to Brian.

 

“Look at the bright side. Now, you don’t have to hide anymore. You don’t have to worry so much about what people would thought if they see you a little depressed or sad or you don’t want to be touched.”

 

“I can focus only on myself.” Brian realized. “It had been a waste of energies: hiding, trying to hold everything and fearing people’s words. I can’t afford it anymore.”

 

“That’s a good way to see it. I’ve learned that lesson in the hard way, you know? But in rehab, I realized that sometimes you have to put yourself first, even if it comes out as being selfish. It’s natural to want to heal without people hovering on you and telling you how you should act or behave. Everyone’s different and everyone has a different way of coping. But even the most unselfish person has to think of himself or he won’t be able to help other people.”

 

“People don’t think you as the wise one.” Brian whispered, finding an inch of courage to raise his other hand and let it rest on Aj’s cheek. “People always assume that you only think about sex, parties and that you don’t give a damn about the others.”

 

Aj reacted with a grin, still he wasn’t used to receive that kind of compliment. “People can fuck themselves with their opinion!”

 

Brian, in that moment, felt something that he couldn’t think it was possible to feel so quickly: being there, talking to Aj and touching him, yes trembling, but without that itching panic that something was bound to happen, he felt totally comfortable and he wished to have a little small inch of courage to lay his head on Aj’s chest and let himself be enveloped in his arms.

 

That thought scared him, maybe not so much to start a new wave of panic, but strong enough to drop his hand like Aj’s skin had burned him.

 

“Maybe it’s time to focus on eating a little.” Aj said, rolling on his side to pick up the phone.

 

“Jay...”

 

“No, it’s okay. Remember? Focus on the good, you being able to touch me, and not the bad fact that it lasted not so long.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Okay, Mister. What do you want to eat for breakfast?”

 

“Mh...” Brian thought about it. He wasn’t feeling nauseous neither like his stomach had been turned in stone. No, for the first time, the thought of food was appealing. “Coffee, of course!”

 

“You know that you’re addicted?”

 

“You can’t get addicted to coffee, it’s not possible!”  Brian replied in a phantom of shock. “Coffee is a mere way to survive.”

 

“Oh, yes. Keep believe it. But you get only one cup today. No need to stress more your nerves.”

 

Brian pouted. “It’s not fair.” He joked, knowing that Aj was right about no needing to be jumpier than he already was.

 

“Live with it.”

 

“Okay, so can I change the coffee with a good cappuccino? With a lot of cream?”

 

Aj started to dial the number of the reception. “What else?”

 

Brian tapped his fingers against his lips. “Pancakes. Some strawberries and waffles.”

 

“As your wish.” Aj replied before passing his order at the lady at the phone. He was ready to put down the phone when Brian tapped him on his shoulder. “Can you ask if they have some apple pie?”

 

Aj tilted back his dead and let out a laughter. How could he refuse that?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

****************

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aj sat on the couch, smiling as he looked at Brian eating his piece of cake. In front of him, the cup of cappuccino was stewing and Brian had added a little bit of chocolate, trying to draw a funny face on the cream.

 

It seemed like everything was back at normal, if it wasn’t for those few moments when Brian looked lost in his thoughts, his eyes dulling over in a grayish shade that meant that he was thinking about what happened.

 

Most people thought that Brian was easy to read, a combination of good and happy mode that seemed to be eternal in the man. And that because Brian tended to hold in, worrying and sad when no one was looking.

 

But in those few days, Aj had come to learn a little more about him, on how to understand when his mood changed.

 

He still had to tell him about that guy but his resolution was tumbling down under the weight of what would happen when he would speak up: Brian was there, trying to pick up the pieces, smiling more than he had ever done in the last days and he couldn’t be the reason of another breakdown.

 

One day more couldn’t make this huge difference: yes, Brian deserved to know and he would tell him, but not when he was so determined to live a little and not dwell on the hurt.

 

“Can you stop a little worrying about me?” The sweet tone brought him back to reality and Aj raised up his head, locking his eyes in Brian’s.

 

“Sorry but...” he never had the chance to say more ‘cause a knock on the door stopped the laid back feeling in the air.

 

Brian tensed up, the motiveless fear that whoever was outside was there with the purpose to hurt him fought his way from the hidden place he shoved it. He wanted to hide, making himself invisible but... no, he wasn’t letting that part of him win. Aj was there to protect him and, if he didn’t want, he would send away everyone.

 

“I’m Nick. S’okay if I come in?”

 

Aj looked at Brian. Swallowing, Brian managed a shaky nod.

 

He went to the door and opened it for Nick. “He’s awake. Don’t get mad if he doesn’t come near or don’t touch you.” He warned him as he lead him to the main room.

 

“Hey.” Nick managed to say, stepping in the middle of the living room.

 

“Hey.”

 

A thick blanket of silence fell between them, a strange feeling since never had Brian and Nick felt like they couldn’t speak with each other.

 

It was Brian who broke that moment, gesturing Nick to sit on one of the chairs. “Want to join us? I don’t think I can eat all of this.”

 

“You shouldn’t have ordered this much.” Aj slipped in, picking up a strawberry.

 

“Well, I just said what I wanted. You added the rest!”

 

“I was hungry too!”

 

“Well, we know that your stomach doesn’t have a end.”

 

“Me? Me? Nick, tell him that he’s wrong! I don’t eat that much!”

 

Nick was too shocked to reply. He had expected Brian to be that broken man he saw on the bus last night, he had expected him to be a shadow of the man he loved once but here, sitting on the chair in front of him, and bickering jokes with Aj. Relief swept through him, as well as the sense that he had managed to get one thing right telling Aj to look after Brian.

 

“It’s not Aj’s fault if you have the stomach the size of a bird.”

 

“You should side with me not with him!”

 

Nick let the laughter died a little before turning serious. “Are you okay? I mean, no okay at all cause you can’t be only after three days but... just... after last night?”

 

“I’m not okay. I feel better, thanks to Aj.” Brian replied softly, glancing a loving gaze towards Aj. “I’m sorry for what happened last night.”

 

Nick wanted to jump on and take Brian in his arms, telling how stupid he was for saying sorry for something he couldn’t decide. But he couldn’t.

 

Once they were lovers, now he was the constant memory of the man who ruined him.

 

“Don’t. If I had known, I would have made sure we weren’t sharing a bus.”

 

“Blame me for that. I’ve made my bed, I didn’t want everybody to know, especially you. Don’t feel guilty, don’t blame yourself for something you aren’t responsible of.”

 

“You are... special, you know? I’m the one who should comfort you not the other way around.”

 

“Let me be myself while I can. I won’t stop worrying about you only because you aren’t lovers anymore. And... thanks for yesterday, when you stepped in between me and Kevin.”

 

“No need. I saw you panicking and Kevin can be really scaring.” Nick replied while biting down one of the strawberries left on Brian’s plate.

 

Brian glanced over Aj. “See what I said last morning?”

 

At first, Aj didn’t get what Brian was talking about but then he saw Nick stealing another fruit and Aj started laughing.

 

“Why is he laughing?”

 

“Nothing, Nick. Nothing at all.” Brian said and, without even realizing, he put his hand over Nick’s. It was so natural, a gesture they’ve always treasured because, when they started dating, it was all that they could do while being with the others.

 

Nick dropped his strawberry half bitten and stared down at their hands.

 

“Jay... look.” Brian whispered in pure amazement. He didn’t feel any fear, he didn’t feel the constant itching of scratching himself. Just like when he touched Aj, he felt nothing but love coming from Nick’s hand.

 

“Oh.” Was all Aj could reply, a flame of jealousy starting to burn inside him, though he didn’t know why he felt that way

 

As if Brian could sense it, he let go of Nick’s hand and brought it on his lap.

 

Nick looked back and forth between the two guys, wondering what in hell was going on. Shouldn’t Aj be happy that Brian was confident in touching him?

 

“Think I’m going to take a shower. Do we have some interviews today?” Brian asked while sitting up, his plate still half eaten.

 

“No. I mean. Me and Howie got some radio shows but you and Aj are clear ‘till the concert tonight.”

 

“Oh, okay.” 

 

“Kevin told me to say that if you don’t feel up, it’s takes just one word for him to cancel it and give you more time to rest.”

 

Aj held his breath. He knew the conflict that was forming inside Brian’s mind, he could quite see it on his face or in the way he had started to torture his fingernails.

 

“I... I let you know.” Brian answered before disappearing inside the bedroom.

 

Aj got up and started piling the dishes, making a note to himself to put away some of the cake in case Brian wanted it later.

 

“It’s a good sign, right?” Nick’s voice emerged from the silence they were in for a minute. “I mean, he was joking, bickering with you and...” he didn’t add the touching part.

 

“Yes, I guess. He seemed to be okay with you guys knowing But he had dealt only with me and you. Howie knows how to act but Kevin... is a giant question.”

 

“I’ve talked a little with him. He’s at loss, he doesn’t know how to act or how to balance his protection towards Brian and Brian’s needs. It’s kinda strange, I’ve always thought Kevin had all the answers and now he’s the one looking around because he doesn’t know how to deal.”

 

Aj motioned to Nick that he wanted to go outside and smoke a little. He needed to let out some of the stress and, plus, the terrace was linked to the bedroom so he could keep an ear if Brian needed something.

 

“Jay, it’s something wrong?”

 

“Kevin isn’t the only one who doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

 

“Why? I mean, look at Brian! You have done some kind of miracle.”

 

“Point is that I haven’t done nothing. That’s... that’s all Brian and his infinite strength. Can you believe that he woke up and decided to fight instead that dwell on the bad?”

 

Nick looked over the window of the bedroom. “Yes, I can. Because that’s my Brian. Remember the period of the surgery? At first, he was numb. He stayed with me after the visit and... he just stayed in his room for a whole day. Then, the morning after, I woke up ready to call Kevin cause I didn’t know what to do anymore and there he was cooking. He just had to reach the bottom to climb his way over the top.”

 

“I know.” Aj answered while lighting his cigarette. “But don’t think it will be only a smooth ride.”

 

“That I expected. But... it give you some hope, no?”

 

“Yes, that too.”

 

“But there is something else. Don’t do the same mistake, Jay. Talk to me.”

 

“I don’t think that it was a random rape, Nick. That man... is following him.”

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t scream! Brian doesn’t know for now.”

 

“And you aren’t going to tell him, right?”

 

“Why shouldn’t I? He deserves to know.”

 

“Even if it shatters him once again?”

 

“Yes.” Aj replied, not quite sure himself. “Now he’s trusting me because we tell each other the truth. If he finds out that I keep this from him...”

 

“He’s not going to trust you anymore. Yeah, I can see the logic.” Nick, frustrated, kicked a pot. “Are you sure it was him?”

 

“Yeah. He warned me that he was going to visit soon our friend.”

 

“Damn. What are we gonna do?”

 

“I don’t know. I thought about reporting him, tightened up the security but I can’t go to the police without Brian. He’s the one who has to do that. And I don’t know if he’s ready to go through a police’s investigation.”

 

Nick looked up. “He doesn’t have to.”

 

“What?”

 

“I mean, he doesn’t have to say that that man raped him. It takes only a quick push to justify a much tighter security. And if you say that he threatened you to come back for more...”

 

“It wasn’t really a threat since there was like a crowd of fans between us.” Aj pointed out. But it was still something, something that could put a barrier between Brian and his stalker.

 

“Let me make some calls and see what we can do. I know some people in the police, some of them know Brian too so maybe they can pull some strings.”

 

Aj looked at him perplexed. “Why do you know police?” he asked, even though he wanted to know more why Brian was involved.

 

“Oh, back when my parents were fighting over my custody or Aaron’s. Sometimes we would hide over Brian’s.” Nick explained without revealing too much about that past. “Go take care of Brian, I’m taking care about this.

 

He started to leave but then thought about something. “Jay, I know we haven’t been that close since your rehab thing and stuff. But... you’re not alone in this. Now that everyone know, we can help you taking care of Brian. No one is going to hurt him anymore.”

 

Aj smiled gratefully and, brushing away the ashes, he went towards the bedroom’s window.

 

And that was when he heard the high – pitched scream coming from the bathroom.

 

 

 

 

 

**************

 

 

 

 

 

Brian closed the bathroom door and lied down on the toilet his clothes.

 

He had to get away, although he didn’t know why. Well, he didn’t know the reason why of most of his behaving in the last days but... it was like the room had started to suffocate him, the smell of food had became suddenly too much persistent and Aj’s expression when he showed him he could touch Nick without panicking.

 

Yes, that was why he was hidden in the bathroom. Why he was bothered? Shouldn’t he be happy for him?

 

And yet, instead of being mad at Aj, he wanted to go to him and hugged him.

 

What the hell was happening with his feelings?

 

So he thought about Nick, how simple had been stating there with him even thought the resemblance was terrifying. Nick, his little Nicky, the little brother he had promised he would have always look after. He didn’t like seeing worrying lines on his face, he shouldn’t be preoccupied about him.

 

Brian cleared his mind, he didn’t need that upon everything, he needed to focus on himself and getting on track.

 

Adjusting the water, Brian entered in the shower and let the warm water washing over him. He sighed and tried to not think about everything, just letting his mind closed off and be numb for awhile.

 

Without any barriers anymore, the images he wished he had forgotten came back. Everything felt like he was back in that public restroom, everything smelled like that horrible place. He turned the water to the maximum cold possible, maybe it could freeze those memories somewhere they couldn’t hurt him anymore. Ice started to hit his skin, freezing and hurting him but the hands… gosh, he could feel those hands upon him, grabbing him with force he couldn’t fight anymore.

 

No, no, no, no! No! He had to stop them!

 

Abruptly, he closed off the shower and stepped outside, shivering as the cold air met his already colder skin. It didn’t matter, he had something in mind.

 

With trembling hands he took the towel and dried himself, quickly putting up his clothes ‘cause he didn’t want to see again the marks, marks that still had to fade away.

 

So lost in his thoughts, he didn’t realized that he had started to search for his razor inside Aj’s bag. He realized it when his hands came up with a box of condoms.

 

At first, he just putted them aside but something kept ringing in his mind, demanding to be heard.

 

There was a link missing, how could condoms be important right now? He knew that Aj had very active sexual life and, aside from making him a little jealous, it didn’t matter. As long as he was safe and he wasn’t selling himself anymore for drugs, Aj could go with whom he wanted.

 

He finally found his razor and started to shave but his eyes kept glancing over the box of condoms.

 

Fear hit him first.

 

Then came the realization.

 

When he had been raped... oh no, freaking God no, that couldn’t be true!

 

He could overcome everything, he knew deep inside that he could heal over the scars left from a rape. But... no, oh sweet mother, no that!

 

He dropped the razor, its clashing against the porcelain echoed in the room but all he could hear was the buzz in his ears and his heart beating furiously against his chest. 

 

He opened the faucet, turning the water so damned hot that soon steam started to cloud the mirror: he scrubbing his hands, raw and hard that it started to burn but he didn’t care. He even didn’t know why he was reacting that way, if he had been inf...

 

The scream, sticking in his throat, clawed its way up, tearing down all the defenses Brian had put he was too far in his shock to hold it down.

 

With a last shove, the scream ripped its way free and burst in the room, echoing through the walls.

 

It was a nightmare without an end.