Everything was going perfect. So much for security around these little bastards. Giggling, he headed down the hallway, eyes darting left and right. It had been so easy to get in here. Dress like a security guard to get through the doors, then change and let others think he part of the event staff. No one had suspected a thing!

 

Zach giggled again as he opened the door to one of the dressing rooms and slipped inside. Too easy! They thought they could keep him out but he’d prove them wrong! All that extra security! He’d seen it. Knew who it was for. They were scared of him. Well, good! They should be! At first he’d thought they’d learned their lesson. That they’d understood . This next show here hadn’t been cancelled. They’d let it continue on.

 

So he’d been all set to come to this show. To watch Brian up on that stage. To think about what he would do the day he had him all to himself. When he and Brian ran away together, their life would be so perfect!

 

But then something had happened. He’d been watching their hotel. Watching their rooms. When they’d come out to get in their vans for the show that night, sneaking out the back so the fans wouldn’t’ catch them, Zach had been watching. He’d seen the way that the tattooed freak had stayed close to Brian. Like he owned him. Like he had the right.

 

Was he stupid? Didn’t he understand that Brian wasn’t his? Could never be his? He belong to Zach! His rage had grown when he’d watched them climb inside the van and he saw that freak put his arm around the back of the seat. Around Brian’s shoulders. He was touching him! How dare he?

 

Rage had carried him back to his own motel where he’d vented his fury for a while. But then his brain had calmed down. He needed to plan. Brian couldn’t be blamed for this. He was upset. Vulnerable. He thought that this freak was just being friendly, most likely. That was the kind of guy Brian was. Kind hearted. He probably hated this other guy clinging to him but he was too nice to tell him to back off.

 

Well, Zach would take care of that problem for him.

 

He’d done a little research, looking in to who this other guy was. AJ. AJ Mclean. Pop rebel of the Backstreet Boys. Once did a stint in rehab for alcohol, coke, and pills.

 

That was what had put the idea in Zach’s mind. He would show Brian how bad this guy was. He would show him.

 

So Zach had snuck into the arena. He’d managed to sneak all the way inside to the dressing rooms. Now he stood there, staring around the dressing room that belonged to AJ. The little shit. Thought he was so big and bad. Well, he’d show him! He walked over to the pile of AJ’s clothes, glaring down at them. It was temping to shred them all to pieces.

 

No, no, he couldn’t. He couldn’t let them figure out he’d been here. His whole plan depended on no one suspecting his part in this.

 

“You’ll never get away with this.” A voice said to him.

 

Zach grabbed the water bottle with AJ’s things and wrenched it open. He tried to ignore the voices. They would go away if he just ignored them.

 

“We’re not going anywhere, Zach. You’re stuck with us. We’re going to enjoy watching you lose this. Watching you lose it all.”

 

“You think he wants you, Zach? You disgust him. You disgust us!”

 

Zach fumbled in his pocket for the little baggie he’d put there. “Shut up, shut up!” He mumbled to the voices. Why wouldn’t they leave him alone? “He’ll love me. He will!”

 

“You’re pathetic.” Another voice sneered. Something in the corner of his eye moved, a shape he knew wasn’t there, and yet it was. No, no, not now! Would they never leave him alone? Their laughter echoed in his ears.

 

“Go away! I killed you already, go away!” He swore quietly.

 

That laughter again, chilling him down to his bones. “You killed us. All of us. Now we’re going to watch you destroy yourself. We’re going to watch you die as punishment for what you did to us!”

 

“No!” He meant to shout it but it came out as a croak. No! He didn’t have time for this! Forcing his hand steady, he poured the coke from the bag into the water. After replacing the lid, he shook it a little, dissolving it together. They’d see how much Brian liked this little AJ once he realized that he was using coke again! They’d see, then.

 

Cackling, Zach put the bottle back. He ignored the voices. They couldn’t bother him now. They were wrong, all of them. He would win this. He would. No matter what it took.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Damn, they’d rocked! AJ grinned to himself as he jogged down the hallway to his dressing room. They’d seriously kicked ass at the show tonight. Once they’d got out on stage all their nerves and all their problems seemed to just melt away. It was always like that for him on stage. Nothing else existed but the music and the fans.

 

It had been nice to see Brian relax too. AJ smiled, opening the door to his dressing room and stepping inside. He shut it behind him absently. Rarely anymore did Brian look at peace, but he always did once the music swept him away.

 

Was there anything more beautiful than watching Brian as he sang his lines, eyes closed, face uplifted. He became the music and it became a part of him. It was simply beautiful.

 

AJ chuckled at himself. If anyone could hear his thoughts right then they’d be amazed. Imagine him, standing here fantasizing about Brian singing. He really was a fool.

 

Pushing all those thoughts aside, AJ stripped out of his show clothes first, then pulled on his own. Once he had them on he grabbed his water bottle and opened it, chugging what was left in there in one big swallow. When he pulled the bottle down he gave it a funny look. That tasted weird he thought to himself. Then he shrugged. Probably just old water. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d filled it.

 

A moment later AJ froze, his water bottle halfway to his bag. A very familiar sensation was filling his mouth. Or, more accurately, a lack of sensation. His gums and tongue seemed to be going a little numb. Sweet Jesus. There was only one thing in his life that had ever caused that sensation aside from Novocain at a dentist. Coke.

 

What the hell? AJ tried to move his tongue. To lick his lips, which suddenly felt dry. He looked at his water bottle again. Had someone put cocaine in his water? Jesus. No wonder it’d tasted funny! But…how much had they put in?

 

He wished to God he wasn’t so certain what it was. He wished that he didn’t know. But there was no mistaking that sensation. Coke, when put in the mouth, numbed your mouth just the same as Novocain did. How many times in the past had he put some coke on his fingers and rubbed it on his gums for the high that sat there?

 

Rushing to the bathroom, AJ turned the faucet on and bent his head down, rinsing his mouth and spitting over and over. The spit that came out looked like it had just a tiny bit of grit in it. Fuck. Fuck!

 

Whoever did this obviously didn’t realize that coke doesn’t dissolve real well. The high doesn’t work really well when it’s mixed in water either. But it was enough that AJ’s head spun a little when he lifted it up. Enough that he could feel more alert than he had before. Nowhere near as tired as he’d been

 

Shit, he couldn’t go around Brian like this! He couldn’t go around any of them! They’d know. All it would take would be one look at him and they’d know what happened. Would any of them believe him that it wasn’t his fault? That someone had slipped it to him? But…who the hell would do that?

 

He couldn’t come up with anyone that would want to make him high. Or that would want to make him relapse. That was going to be the true test of the night. More than the high he felt, more than anything else, was the craving that slammed into him.

 

AJ tightened his grip on the edge of the sink, staring wide eyed at his reflection in the mirror. How long had it been since he’d felt this kind of craving? God, he’d thought he was past that. That nothing could tempt him to do this again! But the coke was in his system, giving him that familiar feeling, and the craving came on so strong that it almost dropped him to his knees.

 

The come down was going to be hell, too. It had been so long since he’d done this that putting any amount in his system, then not giving him more, was going to make the withdrawal the next day pure hell.

 

Standing here wasn’t going to do anything for him. What he needed to do was get back to the hotel, get in his room, and hide out until this was done. How to cover this up with Brian? He’d have to be delicate or it would hurt Brian and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

 

It took all of AJ’s control to walk calmly out of the arena, allowing the guards to shuffle them into the van. Once in there, AJ took the seat furthest in the back, pulling his knees up to the chest, arms around his knees. He noticed that his foot was jiggling and fought to keep it still. No, he couldn’t jitter. They’d know then. They were all watching him anyways. They always were. Watching and waiting for him to fuck up. The assholes.

 

No, no! That wasn’t true. He fought those thoughts down. Seeing Brian climb in and move back beside him, AJ closed his eyes and rested his head on his knees. He still didn’t know what he was going to say to him. God, how was he going to do this? What the hell was going on?

 

Euphoria during a high had been part of what had originally attracted him to snorting coke. But as time progressed the euphoria was short and shorter lasting. By the time he’d gone to rehab, he hadn’t felt euphoric at all when using. Just like he was constantly on high alert, with boundless amounts of energy and the ability to talk a mile a minute. At least, at the peak of the high.

 

No one spoke to him as the van pulled away from the arena. They socialized with one another but none of them spoke to him. He could feel Brian beside him, trembling only slightly, and hated himself even more. He wished he could reach out and hold Brian’s hand. Do something to help him. But right now that wasn’t smart. It wasn’t safe.

 

After riding for a while, AJ felt Brian shift next to him. Then a voice was by his ear, soft and sweet. “You getting sick here, Alex? You look like you’ve caught something.”

 

What, huh? Oh, a cold. That was perfect. It was the perfect excuse. “Yeah.” He deliberately made his voice a croak. “Stomach bug.”

 

Brian said nothing else but he did move over enough to let his arm brush against AJ’s leg in a gesture obviously meant to be reassuring. All it did for AJ was make him have to grit his teeth to keep from moving so that Brian wouldn’t notice his jitteriness.

 

It seemed to take forever to reach the hotel. The whole time, AJ was aware of the man next to him. How confused Brian was and even the little hint of hurt in his eyes that AJ glimpsed under a passing street light.

 

As soon as the van parked and the others had moved, AJ almost launched out of the van. He worked hard to contain the energy in his body but it didn’t seem to work. He almost ran to the elevator and, once they were inside, bounced back and forth as he waited for it to climb up.

 

“You ok, Age?” Kevin asked suddenly, eyeing AJ curiously.

 

Shit, shit! He knew, he fucking knew. Oh, he was fucked now. He was so royally fucked! Would this elevator hurry up? They were all looking at him now. They all knew. The bastards. Who did they think they were, judging him? He could see the judgment in their eyes. They knew he was high and they automatically were assuming that he’d done it intentionally. If he told them his water was spiked they wouldn’t believe him. Assholes.

 

The doors to the elevator burst open and AJ shot out of them like a rocket, racing down to his hotel room. It took three fumbling tries before he got his key out of his pocket. Thank God he’d brought it. He’d almost left it in Brian’s room, thinking that he’d be in there for the night.

 

Finally he got it open and was free to dash inside. The door slammed shut behind him. Safe. He was safe.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Something wasn’t right. Brian stood in the hallway, staring at the door that had just snapped shut. What on earth was going on with AJ? In the van, Brian had asked him if he was sick and AJ had said yeah, but it hadn’t sounded honest. Something told Brian that AJ wasn’t sick. But, if he wasn’t sick then what was it?

 

A soft voice caught Brian’s attention, startling him. “You ok, Frick?”

 

Nick stood at his side, a safe distance away from him. God bless Nick for understanding, for not getting upset with him that he was still hesitant to touch. Brian knew that Nick had heard him freaking out about the possibility of STD’s. It was nice to know that Nick was respecting that fear and staying back.

 

“I’m ok, Nick.” HE forced himself to say. He wasn’t, not really, but what else could he say? He couldn’t tell Nick the truth. Couldn’t explain it to him without hurting him, which was the last thing that Brian wanted to do. But the only person that he really wanted around him right then was AJ. He helped with the nightmares. He helped keep Brian sane. “I’d prefer to just be alone for a while.” The lie rolled off his tongue, easier than he’d thought it would be.

 

No, he couldn’t be selfish, demanding AJ’s attention when whatever was going on was bothering him. He’d come back. He wouldn’t leave him. That wasn’t the kind of guy AJ was. Right?

 

That thought eating at his brain, Brian headed into his hotel room and stripped down for bed. Alone in a way he hadn’t been for days now, he lay in the bed for a long while before sleep finally came to him.

 

The nightmares didn’t take long to start. First, the same nightmare that always came. The rape, played over and over in his mind. It held him under, not letting him wake, keeping him locked in it. Then it changed, morphed into something else.

 

He could see his attacker; see that familiar blond hair. That face and body that so resembled Nick. Fear clamored inside of him, eating at his heart. He wanted to run, but he couldn’t. He wanted to escape, but there was no way.

 

Looking to the ground, he saw what held him there. Sweet God. “Oh, no!” he cried out. No, please no! AJ lay in a naked heap at the man’s feet. He was soaked with blood and covered in bruises.

 

“You thought you could fuck around with me?” That horrible voice hissed to him. He heard laughter echoing off the walls. Where were they? Was AJ alive! Please, God, let him be alive! “I taught your little bitch here the same lesson I taught you. Looks like I’m going to have to teach it to you again.”

 

“No, please!” Brian begged. He hated himself for begging. Hated how easily he was reduced to this quivering mess. “Please!”

 

“Please what?” That voice taunted. “Don’t hurt you? Don’t hurt him?”

 

“Don’t hurt him! He didn’t do anything!”

 

“I’ll hurt everyone you love. I’ll kill them all the same way I killed that boy.” A knife suddenly appeared in the man’s hand.

 

With a scream, the knife plunged down, buried to the hilt in AJ’s chest. A scream echoed in Brian’s ears. The man’s, AJ’s, his, he didn’t know. It went on and on until he was about to explode with it.

 

The scream was what pulled Brian up out of his dream. He sat up straight in bed, air gasping in and out of his tortured lungs, the world spinning around him. He looked over at the digital clock and saw the time. He’d been asleep for hours.

 

One thought came through above all others. AJ. He had to get to AJ. Clinging to that, he launched from the bed, wrapped himself in his robe, and tore from the room.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

How long had it been? AJ swore lightly to himself. He looked over at the clock on the nightstand. Hours. It had been hours. The high was done and over with, which was good. But that left room for so much more. The craving to go find more, to hit up contacts he knew in this city, was one of the strongest he’d ever dealt with.

 

His hands shook with the force of that need. He gripped them together tightly, his arms wrapped around his knees. His grip was so tight it was leaving fingernail indents in his skin but he didn’t even notice.

 

God, he needed something, someone. He needed help! But he didn’t trust himself to move from his spot on the bed. If he did, there was no telling what he’d do. The only thing that kept him here, that kept him safe, was the iron grip he had on his body. He sat as still as a statue, not letting himself move even an inch.

 

A soft knock at his door caught his attention, breaking his pose enough that his eyes moved to where the door was at. Beyond that, he didn’t move. Whoever it was could go away. He couldn’t get up and answer. Couldn’t see anyone right now. They’d never believe him. Especially since he hadn’t said anything right away. Since he’d lied and let them think he was sick. If he told them now they’d think he did it himself and was trying to cover it up with lies.

 

The knock came again, a little more insistent this time. Then a voice, one that ripped at AJ’s heart.

 

“Alex? It’s me. It’s….it’s Brian. Will you answer your door, please?”

 

Oh, Christ! It had to be Brian, didn’t it? Everything in AJ yearned to go over there and open the door. If Brian was knocking like this he must need help. This was a huge step for Brian, even! To knock on AJ’s door and ask for help was something he wasn’t usually able to do. But AJ knew he couldn’t get up. If he did, the consequences would be so much worse.

 

“Please, Alex. I, I need you. Please. The dreams, they won’t stop.” His voice broke on that. There was a soft sound against the door. AJ pictured Brian resting his head against it. Tears burned in his eyes, making trails down his cheek. He wanted to open the door, to let Brian in, but he couldn’t.

 

“I don’t care if you’re sick. Please, just let me sit in there for a while. I don’t care if I get sick. I can’t, I can’t go to anyone else.”

 

The tears came harder and faster. God, he was a bastard. A royal bastard. Couldn’t even put aside his own addiction for the person he cared about so much. What did that say about him?

 

“No one else understands like you. I can’t do this alone. Please, open the door. Please.”

 

Each word was like a blow to the chest. Never in his life had AJ hated himself more than he did right at that moment. Nothing had ever hurt like this. Though his body stayed locked in place, it shook with the fore of holding his sobs in place and with the effort it took not to launch over and rip the door open to let Brian in.

 

He heard the sound of Brian’s footsteps as he walked away from the door, each one echoing in his mind. In the dark of his room, AJ shook as the craving and self-loathing ripped their way through his insides. With no one there to witness his shame, he cried.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

So went one of the longest nights that AJ or Brian had ever felt. By the time morning rolled around, neither one of them was well, but both knew that they had to get up and get on their busses. Brian packed up his room and moved down to his bus with a mechanical feeling. His brain was consumed with the terror of the night and the horrible sinking sensation in his heart that told him that AJ was tired of his shit. That AJ had given up on him. Left him.

 

AJ barely managed to dress himself past the shaking in his hands. He felt like he’d be cut to pieces inside, had salt poured over the wounds, and then been tossed to the side of the road. The urge to go out and score was still there, but it wasn’t as intense. The pain he felt at hurting Brian had won out over the craving.

 

The worst part was, he knew he was still unfit company for anyone. They’d look at him and they’d know.  Their distrust he could handle. Their accusations, well, he’d deal with that. What kept him apart from them, apart from Brian, was the knowledge that he couldn’t control himself like this. There was a possibility that he could do or say something to hurt Brian more than he already was. That was all that kept AJ back from him.

 

Somehow he got downstairs, almost to the busses, before he ran in to anyone. The bad part, it was Nick he ran into. All he had was a brief moment to thank God that his hood was up and that his ball cap helped hide his face. Then Nick was grabbing his arm, holding him in place. “What the hell’s the matter with you?” he snapped.

 

AJ gritted his teeth and tried to control himself. At the edge of the craving for more were the sensations of the come down. The withdrawal. The simple touch of Nick’s hand on his skin hurt like he was being branded with fire. “Excuse me?” He finally managed to say.

 

“You know what I’m talking about. I trusted you!” Nick’s voice dropped down to a hiss as his grip tightened, searing AJ even more. “I trusted you to take care of him and you bailed on him last night. I heard him, begging through your door. You never came out. He came and got on his bus and he looks like shit. What the hell is wrong with you?”

 

AJ closed his eyes on a wave of pain. Nick’s words only served to drive that knife a little deeper into his heart. There was nothing he could say to excuse himself. All he could do was try to make sure Brian was taken care of until he was better.

 

“Trust me, Nick. I know.” The words slipped out before he realized it. The pain and self-hatred in them must have been obvious because Nick’s grip slackened some. Before his friend could press him, AJ rasped out “Ride with him, please. Tell him he didn’t do anything wrong and I’ll see him as soon as I can. Take care of him for me until I can.”

 

“Age…is something going on?” The tone to Nick’s voice had changed to concerned. His hand now was trying to comfort instead of gripping AJ in place.

 

The urge to unload his problems on Nick was tempting. Before he could give in to it, he pulled away from his grip. “I’m fine.” He said hoarsely before running to his bus. He made it inside and straight to the back of the bus before he buckled underneath it all, dropping in mid step to the ground.

 

He didn’t have the strength to move. Kneeling on the ground, his head buried against his duffel bag, he concentrated on breathing in and out. His body shivered, alternating between hot and cold. His skin itched like mad. His fingers curled into his hair to try and resist scratching his skin.

 

You’ve dealt with worse than this, Mclean. He told himself over and over. The withdrawals at the center were worse than this. This is mild. You can do it. It just feels strong because it’s been so long since you’ve done it. Remember what they told you at rehab. You may stop, but your body is always addicted. One taste is all it takes to send you physically spiraling again. You just have to be strong. For you. For Brian.

 

“AJ.”

 

That soft voice was all the warning AJ had before a pair of arms came around him. He bucked against them, trying to rip away and hide somewhere, but they held him tightly. There was no doubt who it was. He’d recognized the voice the same way he now recognized the embrace.

 

“Shh, shh.” That voice said again. “I’ve got you. Come on, honey. I’ve got you.”

 

Was there any point in fighting? AJ stopped trying to break free and let himself melt. His tears came again, pouring down his cheeks as the quivers seemed to shake him from head to toe. Arms banded around him, familiar hands pressing against his chest as they held him close. He gripped those hands tightly, trying not to itch at his skin. “Help me.” He whispered roughly. “Please, help me.”

 

“Tell me what happened.” Howie said softly.

 

There, kneeling on the floor of his bus, AJ let the story pour from him to a pair of ears that had always been there for him and always would be.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Curled up in his bunk, Brian almost didn’t hear the sound of someone coming up the stairs of his bus. He was too lost in thought to really pay attention to the world around him. He’d been through one hell of a night and was feeling it this morning. What little sleep he’d managed to get was plagued with nightmares. While awake his brain had taunted him with his own fears.

 

Why hadn’t AJ answered his door? Had he even been in there? There was no where else that Brian could think of for AJ to be. But if he’d been in there, why hadn’t he answered the door? Those questions went round and round in his mind.

 

The sound of someone clearing their throat almost had Brian screaming. As it was he plastered himself against the wall, staring out with wide eyes to where Nick stood. Shit.

 

“Sorry!” Nick apologized quickly. “Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to startle you.”

 

Brian took a deep breath to calm his nerves. Fuck, he really needed to mellow out before he gave himself a heart attack. “It’s ok. I was just, thinking, that’s all.”

 

“Deep thoughts?” His best friend stretched out on the bunk opposite him, propping his head up in his hand. Laying like this, it was almost easy enough to relax. Almost.

 

“Just…thinking.”

 

Nick stared at him for a few moments, silent. Then, with his usual uncanny talent for seeing things that others didn’t, he asked “This about AJ and how he’s hiding out?”

 

Well, hell, that meant that he wasn’t going crazy. Nick was noticing it too. The implications of that were heart wrenching. So AJ was hiding from him. Why? Was he tired of Brian’s problems? Were they really too much for him now? Or…or was he disgusted with Brian for his attempt at suicide? God, oh God. He hated these thoughts. “Yeah.” He finally managed to say.

 

“We talked before I got on the bus. He wanted me to tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong and he’ll see you as soon as he can.”

 

Something in that sentence broke through Brian’s heartache. “As soon as he can?” He repeated. That sounded like something was wrong with AJ. Was that just wishful thinking on his part, that it was AJ and not something he had done to AJ? What kind of person was he to wish that something was wrong with someone he cared about just so he wouldn’t be at fault here?

 

“Yeah. Sounded weird to me too.”

 

The bus started up, the engines roaring to life. As it pulled out and started down the road the two friends stayed quiet for a while, each thinking their own thoughts. They stayed that way for a good hour, each trying to unravel their own thoughts, taking solace from one another’s company.

 

It was Nick who finally broke the silence. “Look, Bri. I’m not sure what’s good to say and what’s not right now. Even if you won’t admit it, the rest of us see that you’re at the end of your rope. You don’t have a whole lot left right now before you’ll crash. Maybe J is just having a little shit right now and he doesn’t want to dump it on you with all the shit of your own you have going on.”

 

Maybe. But it didn’t feel right. Something was off here. Something that he hadn’t noticed before. It made his own pain easier to forget for the moment if he focused on AJ. It pushed back the exhaustion of a mostly sleepless night; pushed away the weakness that came from lack of food. “Something was up with him after the show last night. He was fine performing, but when he came back from changing he was all weird.”

 

A sigh from Nick drew Brian’s eyes. He looked over at the man who had been his best friend for years now. “You know something.” He said softly. It was there on Nick’s face for anyone who knew how to read him. “You tell me, Nick. Tell me now. Don’t you keep this from me. What’s going on?”

 

Another sigh, this one sounding a little resigned. “I don’t know anything positive.” He started out. When Brian made to protest, he raised a hand to stop him. “No, I don’t. Just, a bad feeling.” Sitting up, Nick let his legs and head stick out the bunk, his feet dangling. “How he was acting, didn’t that, well, remind you of back when…when he was using? An this morning, he was a lot like he used to be when he’d come down from it.”

 

Those words hit Brian like a fist in the gut. Using? Back when AJ did coke? He wanted to instantly deny it, but images came to mind. Memories of the times he’d seen AJ flying high. No, no way. “Who the hell would slip him something, though?” Brian demanded, sitting up.

 

Nick looked honestly confused. “Slip him something? Brian, wait. Honey. Don’t you think it’s more likely he, well, you know…”

 

“What?” Sliding out of the bunk, Brian stood and glared at Nick. He didn’t realize how much like his old self he looked right then. All he could think about was shock at what Nick was suggesting. “You think he went and intentionally got high? No. Absolutely no way, Frack.”

 

“Bri…”

 

“I said no! He’s been craving lately, yeah. He’s been stressed. But he wouldn’t go out and do this again. I know him. He just wouldn’t.”

 

“Pit stop!” The driver’s voice interrupted their conversation.

 

In that moment, Brian made a split second decision. He grabbed his bag from his bunk and, as the bus pulled to a stop he hurried out the doors and straight to AJ’s bus. He didn’t even pause as he climbed inside.

 

What he found didn’t surprise him. AJ was curled up on the couch, tons of blankets wrapped around him so that he looked like a mummy, a cup of warm tea in his shaking hands; and Howie sitting next to him, one arm around his shoulders. They both looked up at Brian’s entrance.

 

Locking eyes with AJ, he bluntly asked “Were you high on coke last night?”

 

Pain flashed in AJ’s eyes, gone quick as a flash. He lifted his chin a little. “Yes.” That was all he said.

 

Anger boiled its way through Brian’s body. “How the hell did someone manage to slip you some coke?”

 

Those words seemed to shock AJ completely. He stared, dumbfounded, at Brian. Howie chose that moment to discreetly stand and exit the bus.  Once the doors were shut an the bus turned back on, AJ spoke in a raspy, quiet voice. “You don’t think I did it?”

 

“Of course not!” Brian snapped at him. “I’m not stupid, Alex. But I want to know who the hell did and what happened?”

 

The whole story seemed to pour from AJ then. All that had happened, the way he’d felt, the things he’d thought of. When his story was done he looked up at Brian with pleading eyes. “I am so sorry I didn’t answer the door, Bri. God, I’m sorry. But I couldn’t trust myself, see? I knew if I moved from my bed I’d keep going till I found some way to score. I couldn’t do that. Not again. It broke my heart to listen to you.” Shaky, AJ set his cup aside.

 

Before AJ could rise, Brian moved and sat down beside him. All his anger was gone in the face of AJ’s problem. He only felt sad for them both, and worried for AJ.

 

It took almost all his courage to do what he did next, but in his heart it felt right. He did something he had done with AJ, with the others, a million times before. He lay down on the couch and pillowed his head in AJ’s lap.

 

He felt AJ startle slightly with surprise. Then, hesitantly, a hand started combing Brian’s hair back. “We’ll figure out who did this to you, Alex. Up security and such.” Brian felt his eyes drift closed, comfortable where he was. The hand in his hair never stopped moving. “An I’m not mad, so don’t apologize again. I understand.”

 

“I…” AJ broke off, clearing his throat. “I can help you sleep now.”

 

A small smile curved Brian’s lips. “I’ll keep you pinned so you can try and sleep too. You won’t be able to get up without waking me up.”

 

The soft chuckle told Brian he’d succeeded in making AJ smile. The two stayed where they were, each feeling more peace than they had all night, and each one wondering what the hell was going on and what on earth they were going to be able to do about it.