Silence was overwhelming the two people in that room, only the quiet and random cries coming from one of them broke that unnatural lack of sounds.

 

Brian was numb, everything had flown by with the rivers of tears. He didn’t feel anything more than the aches for having screamed and yelled.

 

“Alex.” he rasped out, too ashamed to look at Aj. How many times did he have to break down in front of him? That wasn’t him, he hadn’t let anyone see him weak even when he had his heart surgery so why now he couldn’t stop the tears?

 

He had to be alone, he needed to be sure than nothing more would leak from him.

 

But before he could bring up his request, Aj handed him a glass full of water. He gladly accepted it, the cold feeling smoothed the burning sensation of his throat which led him to wonder how in the hell he would be able to sing that night.

 

The concert.

 

No, no, no, he couldn’t do it! Too much people, too much noises and... and what if he would be there? Brian could remember clearly his last words, that threat to come back for more. What if he stayed true to his words?

 

“I’m telling Kevin that you’re still sick, Brian. Don’t worry about the concert, okay?”

 

“We can’t cancel it.”

 

“Why not?” Aj asked puzzled. Sure, they did it only in case of emergency and everyone would declare that as an emergency if they only saw Brian for two seconds. Plus, Brian had always been the more vocal about canceling a concert when one of the guys was sick.

 

“If you say to Kevin that I’m still sick, he will want a doctor to check me over, you know how he is with me.”

 

“Maybe seeing a doctor is a good idea.”

 

Yes, it would have been a great idea if it wasn’t for the terror that lightened up Brian’s eyes. “No! No... he would ask question! I can’t tell! Please, don’t tell Kevin!”

 

“Okay, okay. – Aj said in a soothing way, trying to reach for Brian but he flinched at the mere sight of the hand reaching over so he just stayed there where he was. – I’ll tell him that I’ve got your food poisoning and I’m doing a perfect exorcist’s girl impression, which the fans wouldn’t be glad to watch.”

 

A small smile made its way through the tears of fears. “Definitely not.”

 

“So, what you want to do now?”

 

“Can... can I be alone?”

 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

 

“Please, Alex. I need to be alone and I promise you I’m not gonna do anything drastic.”

 

But Aj was still unsure. He didn’t like the idea of Brian all alone, not after what he had been through and after having break up with Nick.

 

What if he woke up with another nightmare?  

 

There would be no one comforting him and what if he was hurt more than he was letting on?

 

“I’m not a child, I can be alone.”

 

“Could be fooled by your antics, Rok.”

 

“You’re only jealous that you can’t be as funny as me.”

 

“Oh yes, keep thinking that!”

 

Brian’s gaze softened. “I really need to be alone, Alex. Can you understand why?”

 

Aj nodded. “I can but it doesn’t mean I’m happy with it.”

 

“Thanks. – said Brian. – I know right now I’m not the easiest person to deal with so...”

 

“Aj didn’t let him finish, Typical of Brian to attempt an excuse for his behavior after being raped. “Don’t ever say another words, okay? It’s perfectly fine and you’re the last person who can pissed me off. Just remember who is the diva in the group!”

 

Brian looked at him sheepishly. “Nick?”

 

Aj grinned back at him. “Nah, he just got PM’S now and then.”

 

A sense of laughter tickled the back of Brian’s throat but he shoved back where it was born: it didn’t seem right to laugh in a moment like that, making it like nothing had happened at all.

 

So, he bowed down his head, shame was surely coloring his face in a deep red, but he couldn’t force himself to look at Aj.

 

“Can you go, please?” he pleaded, sounding too desperate for his own pleasure but he needed to be alone, to have some kind of control over something that had shattered his own world..

 

“Okay. – agreed Aj in a soft voice. – But if you need something, just call me, okay? I’m in the room never used.”

 

Brian nodded and didn’t realizing he was holding a breath until he heard the door locking closed behind Aj.

 

Mixed feeling hit Brian almost immediately: relief of finally being left alone and the fear of being alone. It was strange ‘cause they were so in contrast with each other but he couldn’t help it.

 

Aj had been by his side from the moment he was found in that dirty bathroom back in the club. He had listened to his rants, his screaming but not once he made him feel ashamed by those. On the contrary, he wanted him to let go of everything that he was holding but that was something impossible to do.

 

Dropping his weights on Aj’s shoulder was so tempting but at the same time it was a cruel thing to do. 

 

And, maybe, he was being selfish: he thought that Aj would still by his side as long as he wouldn’t know the details, how much dark his soul was becoming.

 

Still, having Aj there had been a relief: he didn’t have to think about anything, Aj was there to take care of everything. When he didn’t want to talk to Nick, he had answered his phone first and then turning off all the mobiles, understanding that he didn’t want to talk to nobody but him. He had offered to cover him from Kevin but Brian knew that he couldn’t keep asking that to Aj.

 

But he felt at loss because he didn’t know what to do with himself: he was great in taking care of others but himself? He had always brushed off any sickness or injuries as long as he could without being noticed. Then, when he had to admit that he was sick, he always found a goal to fight every obstacles: cold or fever meant concerts or registrations to be cancelled; when he had his surgery, he tried to recover as quick as he could so they wouldn’t miss too much dates when they were finally getting famous in the States.

 

But there... there wasn’t nothing he could grasp to hold on, no purpose to recover in the small time possible.

 

Hell, he didn’t even check his injuries!

 

Still it wasn’t the physical ones he was scared and terrified of.

 

He cleared his head, knowing that if he went deeper in his thoughts he will probably pay visit to the porcelain once again.

 

He had to do something, anything more than just sitting in the middle of an hotel room doing absolutely nothing.

 

First, he had to see if there were any injuries. Last night he just took a shower and then hurried to put on his clothes without throwing a glance in the mirror. Same with the one he took some hours ago, where he just thought about the right words to say while breaking up with Nick and gathering strength and courage to do that.. 

 

But now... now he had to see so he could come up with good reasons if someone of the guys noticed a strange bruise over his body and asked him about it.

 

Gladly to have a plan and something to do, even if he wasn’t that thrilled, Brian stood up, wincing as aching made themselves noticed. Slowly he made his way to the bathroom; when he was sure the door was closed, he took off the sweater and the shirt he was wearing.

 

For a long moment he didn’t look at the mirror, fear of what was waiting for him held him frozen in his spot, his eyes locked on the tiles of the floor. Suddenly, he was afraid.

 

A part of his mind knew that he was going to see evident evidences on his body, for it wouldn’t hurt so bad making certain movements. That was what scared him: evidences would make everything so damn much real. If he didn’t see, he could keep going on like nothing was going on, like he had just tripped himself and landed badly.

 

No, he had to face it, no matter what.

 

He had to admit to himself that he had been raped, that was the first step he have to take if he want to recover.

 

Taking a deep breath, he raised up his face to look at the mirror but the man staring back wasn’t him.

 

Not anymore. 

 

His blonde hair all tangled up but he hadn’t the strength to pick up the hairbrush to brush them; a dull grey was all the color left in his eyes, a darkness that threatened to overcome his frail barriers, those walls he was trying so hard to built in order to defend the others.

 

But the focus of his stare wasn’t his face, how pale he was or the black circles beneath his eyes, telling the world how much he had managed to sleep in those days. No, his attention was focused on the signs he still bore on his body, memories of the attack that ruined him were there, plain and visible, mocking him every time he forced himself to forget: a dark purple bruise across his stomach reminded him the punches that man threw at him when he had tried to fight back. Without having any control, his fingers travelled that bruised part and angry fireworks of pain made their way through the haziness surrounded his brain.

 

Two fingertip’s traces of an angry purple marked his neck, bringing up the memories of those hands around it, trying to choke him in attempt to get what the man wanted. Maybe that was the reason why his throat still hurt... gosh, what if he had damaged his vocal cords? His voice was the reason why he was in the group! Singing was his whole life!

 

Forcing down the sobs, his gaze travelled down past his stomach but froze when he saw dark black bruises on both his hips, places where hands had gripped him while that man was forcing his way inside him.

 

It was real.

 

He had been raped.

 

He knew it deep inside but had tried so hard to convinced himself that it was all a bad dream. It wasn’t, his nightmare was very real and he didn’t know what to do to escape from it.

 

What was he supposed to react?

 

He didn’t know, he didn’t want to know how to act in a situation like that!

 

A million thoughts were running wild inside his brain; Brian tried to grasp at least one but every time he was close, they slipped through his fingers, leaving him without a direction.

 

He went in autopilot, getting back the sweater that would hide the bruises on his neck and then went back in the room, too bright and too exposed. He just closed off the curtain and then climbed into the bed, curling himself around the blanket.

 

He was cold, shivers and trembles were running down his entire body but he was too tired to get up and grab another blanket. Mostly because he knew that it wasn’t freezing in the room.

 

Tears surprisingly didn’t come. 

 

Instead, Brian found himself praying.

 

He prayed for an answer to all his questions. Why did it happened to him? Why that man chose him in a club full of other men? What he had done to that man to be treated like a toy?

 

He prayed for someone to come and take away those feelings of shame and disgust. But no one would come, he had pushed away everyone because that was what he deserved. He had been weak, he hadn’t be able to defend himself, what kind of man he was?

 

In a part of his mind, the voice of Aj telling him to call if he need was so tempting but the others one were so loud that it was muffled over, a whisper, only a flickering candle in an ocean of darkness.

 

So Brian laid there, his eyes open wide in the dark, knowing that sleep wouldn’t come to save him.

 

No one could. 

 

 

 

 

 

_______________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was night but Aj didn’t want to go to sleep. Truth was that he didn’t know if he could get to bed, worry was like a drug pumping in his system and it was the only thing his mind could go around. Worrying about Brian, worrying about him all alone in a room in that state of mind.

 

But, at least for now, Brian didn’t want anyone to help him and that was something Aj couldn’t push him into. Having control of his decisions and his life was the most important thing right now for Brian, after having been stripped away by that man.

 

Though, this didn’t help him to calm down.

 

He knew those moments, moments where all your senses were focused on your own pain, days when you feel like no one could understand what you’re going through and all that you wanted to do is just forget, being numb ‘cause even thinking brought you pain.

 

He didn’t want, no, he wouldn’t allow Brian to fall in the same hole he had fallen once.

 

He didn’t know what to do so he just stayed there in his room, not really his room since Brian was there and he got a the one always used only to avoid gossip, and paced back and forth, trying to fight the urge to go in that room.

 

What harm would do if he just went there to see if everything was alright? If Brian was alright?

 

Nothing, he would do no more harm than what had already done.

 

And, really, Brian didn’t want to be alone. He had seen his reluctance clearly in his eyes while he was telling him to go back in his room.

 

So he made up his mind. He would go over with some excuses, like he had forgotten his bathroom bag or something along the way. 

 

He was about to grab his keycard when someone knocked on his door. Aj looked at his clock, who the hell would come at 3 o’clock in the morning? A tiny voice told him that it could be Brian and that thought alone was what drove him to hurry up and open the door.

 

It wasn’t Brian and for his amazement it was Nick who stood there on his doorstep.

 

“Nick?”

 

“Sorry for the hour but... I just wanted to say sorry for the way I behaved today. Mind if I come in?” The desperate tone was what made Aj opened more the door and let his friend in.

 

Nick walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. “I know it sounds strange to you but I didn’t mean to jump on you nor that I thought that you and Brian were having an affair behind my back.”

 

Aj placed a chair in front of Nick and sat down on it. “The why you’d accuse him?”

 

“I was afraid. I knew that something was going on, even when we fought Brian never refused to answer my calls. I never expected Brian to break up with me.”

 

“Uh. I’m sorry for that.”

 

“Thanks. Even though it was only matter of time.”

 

Aj arched his eyebrows, suddenly confused about Nick’s words. “But you’ve just said...”

 

“I know. ‘Cause I’ve always thought I would have been the one breaking up.”

 

“Why? You don’t love him?”

 

“I will always love him, Jay. He’s my best friend, hell, he’s the only one who really knows me! But... that’s it. I can’t lose his friendship and this thing we had was going to ruin it. Brian was right, you know?”

 

Aj recalled the conversation him and Brian had before... it. “About the sex part?”

 

Nick nodded, part of his shame showing up on his face. “At first, it was something good for both of us. Brian wanted to start acting his feelings and you know that he would never gone out to find some men in clubs. And I... I was fed up with people just wanting me for my money or the fame. I thought I was ready for a steady relationship, you know? And for Brian... for Brian I would have waited.”

 

“What changed?”

 

“Brian was never in love with me, that’s why he kept calling off every time I tried to go deeper. He’s the kind that want their first time to be with their one. He’s still on the old style.”

 

The information was like a punch in the stomach. Gosh. Now, Brian would have always remember his first time like something that nearly destroyed him.

 

Nick noticed the way Aj paled and that reaction only confirmed his suspicions: something very bad had happened to Brian, that was the reason why he broke up with him with those reasons like wanting to protect him.

 

But right now he couldn’t do anything for his friend. Asking him was out of the way and Aj would never betrayed Brian, that was why he had come to his friend, making sure that there would be someone who could help Brian with whatever he was going through.

 

And Aj... Aj was perfect, not a lot of people would have thought Aj being a caring one, the kind of people loved to take care someone he loved. In a way, him and Brian were a lot alike but the difference was that the first was able to take care of himself, especially after going into rehab and learned in the hardest way that you have to love yourself to be able to love someone else.

 

He knew how Brian’s mind worked, that was why he wasn’t too surprise about the ending of their story: in a way, he was still a child and he would be for a long time; Brian had been his... everything: his best friend, his big brother, sometimes he was his father. At the end, he had been his lover but only because they exchanged kisses and touches and called each other pet names.

 

And while this relationship had been perfect for Nick, it wasn’t fair for Brian. 

 

“It’s not easy to be with Brian, especially if you grown up thinking that he was some superhero. – Nick smiled. – He needs someone who can put up with him, be equal and with me... I’ll always been the dependent one ‘cause I’m used to Brian taking care of me.”

 

“I still don’t understand what are you trying to say.”

 

Nick didn’t answer right away. He just locked his eyes with Aj’s, looking with a stern gaze that held Aj on his spot. A part of him already knew what Nick was about to say but it was still a shock when those words flew out from Nick’s lips. “Because he loves you.”

 

Laughter was the first think Aj wanted to do, it looked like a bad joke ‘cause nowhere in reality a thing like that could happen!

 

“I’m not joking, although Brian still has to realize it.”

 

“How did you guess?”

 

“Just a feeling. He cares for you, you haven’t see how he was all worked up when you were in rehab. Or no one noticed the way sometimes he just stares at you when you or me aren’t looking. But being with me is a safer ground cause he knows how to act, he knows his role and he knew what to expect from me. But... it isn’t right. Brian deserved someone who can lean on, someone who can he trusts when he can’t be strong enough. He hides a lot, Jay. He hides when he isn’t feeling well, he hides when he has a problem cause he has this twisted idea that his problems aren’t that big to burden someone else with it.”

 

“Why are you telling all of this now?”

 

“Something happened last night. I don’t know what and I know you won’t tell me and... it’s okay, for now. But you’re the only one who can help him.”

 

Aj didn’t say anything, just watched Nick as he got up and walked to the door. Suddenly he stopped and turned around, looking at Aj with a serious gaze that Aj didn’t know Nick could master. “Please, look after him, okay? I’ve already lost my lover, I don’t want to lose my best friend too.”

 

With those last words, Nick walked out the room, leaving a shocked Aj thinking over everything that Nick had said to him.

 

Still, he knew now more than before that he had to help Brian.

 

 

 

 

 

______________________________

 

 

 

 

 

Night had come and gone before Aj could manage to get a decent amount to sleep. After Nick walked out the room, Aj had gone out on the balcony to smoke feeling his nerves all jumpy with all the new information Nick had given him about Brian.

 

He didn’t know how but he was going to help Brian, no matter how many times he was going to be pushed away. Hell, he had pushed away Brian so many times when he was trying to help him with his problems, those nights where he would come back to the hotel completely drunken and Brian was there waiting for him.

 

First, he would make sure Brian would eat something: he doubt he had eaten little the day before and while he didn’t know how to heal the mental issues, he could try to heal the physical one first.

 

With this thought in mind, Aj picked up the phone and called the reception, ordering what he recalled been Brian’s favorite breakfast: black coffee with a little bit of cream, pancakes and orange juice. While he waited, he went and took a shower, the cold water made some kind of miracle and made him feel alive and awake. He was changing in a simple pair of black jeans and a shirt when someone knocked at the door, reveling that his breakfast had arrived. After thanking the guy and leaving him a little tip, Aj picked up the tray and walked over Brian’s room.

 

He knocked once but received no answer. Willing down his panic, he knocked once again, telling himself that maybe Brian was still sleeping, which was a good thing. But, after the fourth time he received no answer, he was start quite panicking so, balancing the tray on one hand, he retrieved the key card he kept in his pocket and let himself in the room.

 

Darkness swallowed him as soon as he set foot in, even though he was already morning and the sun had been shining for a quite while. But even the tiniest yet strongest ray couldn’t made his way through the heavy curtains pulled closed.

 

“Brian?” he called while trying to get closer to the bed without tripping over something.

 

An itching breathing was the only answer he got, letting him know that Brian had sensed his presence but didn’t recognize the voice that had spoken.

 

Reassured him, that what he had to do before everything.

 

“Bri? I’m Aj, you don’t have to be scared, okay? - he said, placing down the tray on what he thought was one of the bedside table. – Do you mind if I open up the curtain? I’m already clumsy when the sun is shining, you don’t want to see what I can do if I walk around in the total blackness!”

 

On a normal day, he would have expected back a reply, a joke or just a laughter from Brian. Not that morning, even though he managed to calm down Brian’s breathing to a normal level.

 

Still rambling around about silly things, Aj pulled open the curtains, letting the sun shone through the darkness.

 

Nothing could have prepared him for the sight that was waiting for him when he turned back to the bed: Brian was sitting in the centre, looking so small and so like a child curled up in himself, his face facing the windows but so unfocused that Aj doubted that he was aware of his presence. Never he had seen Brian so broken and that sight made his heart break a little under the weight of the emptiness he saw in those blue eyes.

 

He wanted no more than take Brian in his arms and reassure him that everything would be alright but he knew he couldn’t do that, still unsure how much comfortable Brian was with being touched suddenly.

 

So he just walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping his distance from the curled up man.

 

Being so close, now he could see that sleep wasn’t something Brian had done that night: his eyes were all swollen and red rimmed, the only color in contrast with the paleness of his face.

 

Leaving him alone had been such a bad idea.

 

“Bri, you okay? ‘Cause you’re quite scaring me here.”

 

Those words seemed to wake up Brian, his eyes finally looking towards Aj.

 

“I’m okay.” It was a barely whispered reply, the voice so raspy that even Brian didn’t recognize it.

 

He didn’t want to talk ‘cause talking meant that he had to think and that was a very bad idea: thinking about why he was all alone in a room that wasn’t the one he shared with Nick, thinking about the reason why he had broke up with Nick. And then everything would come back again, those images he wanted so bad to forget but still waited for him every time he closed his eyes. His voice still haunting him, no matter how loud he screamed to muffle over that words. Maybe that’s why his voice is hoarse and his throat hurt whenever he swallow.

 

In that moment, Aj realized and fully understood what Nick told him the previous night.

 

He hides because he doesn’t want to be a burden.

 

Just like he was doing now: wanting to be alone, pushing away the only one who knew what happened to him and still wanted to stay around and help him.

 

“Brian, you are not okay.”

 

Brian shrugged his shoulders. “I guess.”

 

“Have you slept a little?” Aj asked, knowing it was a rhetorical question but it would keep Brian speaking.

 

“No.” Brian answered. It was pointless to lie about it since Aj could probably see how much he hadn’t sleep.

 

He had tried to sleep but he couldn’t seem to shake away the nightmares, no matter how tired he was. After the third nightmare in a matter of minutes, he gave up and just laid there with his eyes open, his senses alerted for any strange and unknown noises. 

 

“You should have called me.”

 

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

 

“Brian, you aren’t a bother, okay? You’re my friend and it’s okay to ask help when you need it.”

 

“I don’t need it.”

 

“Bullshit. -  Aj hoped for a reaction, any kind, but Brian still looked like he didn’t give a damn about what he was feeling. – I’ve brought you breakfast. Your favorite: coffee, pancakes and orange juice. I know you aren’t particularly hungry but you’ve gotta eat something.”

 

Something peaked up Brian, a little light in those dull eyes gave a little hope to Aj.

 

Maybe not everything was lost.

 

“I never drink orange juice, Aj.”

 

Aj looked at him confused. “Really? But... I’ve always seen you with a glass of it!”

 

“Nick always forget and he loves it. So I just pick up one and he steals it from me. – Brian explained. – But I appreciate the thought.”

 

Aj, speechless, just handed him the cup with the coffee. “You still drink coffee, right?”

 

A little smile forced his way on Brian’s face. “Yes. But totally black and with no sugar.” Replied, noticing that the one he had now was mixed with cream.

 

“Let me guess: Nick pretends to not like it but then steals yours?”

 

Brian nodded. “Yes. It’s nothing big, I didn’t mind doing for him.”

 

“Next time tell me what you want and I’ll get it, okay?”

 

“It’s okay, Alex. Whatever you get it it’s going to okay.” Replied Brian, shifting a little to find a better position. But, as he was doing that, a sharp pain starting from his back shook him and he wasn’t fast to mask it.

 

“What’s wrong?” asked Aj, his voice full of concern. Damn, maybe he would have forced Brian to go to the hospital to be checked. Who knew what real damage that bastard had done to him and certainly he wasn’t gentle when pinned Brian to... Aj shook his head, trying to clear his mind from those thoughts. He couldn’t let himself think about that, anger was already starting to rise above and this was something Brian didn’t need. In his twisted mind, Brian would have tried to calm him and then worry about him being so worked up that he might try to seek relief in alcohol, forgetting in that way that he should focus only on himself and nothing else.

 

“It’s... it’s nothing.” Answered Brian, clutching the sheets between his knuckles as he tried to fight the waves of pain.

 

“Right. Can’t be fooled by your straight face. What’s wrong?”

 

“My back. – Brian said with a shaky breath. He didn’t know why but he couldn’t seem to be able to lie with Aj, something in his voice or in the way he looked at him broke down every little walls he had built up over the years. Or maybe... It was just that for the first time someone was really concerned about him – He... he slammed me against the wall.” He added then, a sudden tremor as those image hit him like a strike. He was doing good, even if it was for a minute, it was like nothing had happened, just him and Nick breaking up and Aj comforting him.

 

Oh, if it was that simple!

 

“Bri, how bad is it?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t have eyes behind my head, you know.”

 

“Good to see your humor back. – Aj joked. – Still, how much does it hurt? You can have pulled a muscle...”

 

“I don’t know. Right now, it just hurt like hell.”

 

“Can I look at it, please?” Aj regretted his question as soon as his saw Brian paled more than he was before, panic setting in. But he had to be sure that it was only a bruise, even though Brian was so clumsy that he was probably used to bruises.

 

But this wasn’t a result from a jump or a fall off the stairs.

 

“No... no! No, you can’t!”

 

He couldn’t bear to be touched, no matter how many times he repeated to himself that in front of him there was a friend and not the man that hurt him so bad.

 

“Bri, I’m not gonna hurt you, okay?”

 

Brian shook his head, trying to keep in mind that it was only Aj and nothing will happen but, really, he couldn’t. It wasn’t the fact that he thought Aj could harm him, no worse than he already was, but the mere thought of being touched was making his head spinning like crazy while panic was trying to win him over.

 

“You can’t touch me, please.” He pleaded, only realizing that he was crying when he felt the salty taste of tears landing on his lips. Still, he could only focus on getting enough air in his lungs, knowing that he was going in a full blown but couldn’t do anything to prevent it.

 

Aj couldn’t touch him, not when he was so contaminated.

 

It was a feeling that would never leave him, the feeling of those hands all over his body, unwanted caress that made him sick even though it was only on his mind. The smell, he could vividly remember the smell of alcohol coming from the man while was kissing him and probing him and gosh, he just wanted to forget!

 

Aj’s voice was only a whisper in his ear, words like that he wasn’t going to hurt him and Brian wanted to scream at him that he knew that and... that wasn’t the problem. How couldn’t he see how dirty he was?

 

“I’m dirty... so dirty...”

 

Walls seemed to close on him, making harder and harder to focus on his breathing. He had to get away, he had to protect Aj just like had done with Nick. They didn’t need him, they didn’t need to know what that man had done to him.

 

Get away.

 

He had to get away from there, get away from Aj and from that hands that seemed everywhere.

 

The pain in his back was long forgotten. With strength he didn’t know he still had, Brian jumped off from the bed and locked himself in the bathroom, wasting no time to reach the toilet and empting the few sips of coffee he had managed to drink.

 

Nothing more than dry heaving, but still he kept lurching in the toilet, wishing for someone to make it stop but still scared that it might require being touched.

 

When finally his stomach seemed to be satisfied and stable enough, Brian just crawled over the shower and let the warm and too hot water washing over him, even though he was still clothed. He didn’t care, sank on the floor, knees against his chest while quite as angry tears got mixed up with the water. 

 

Back in the bedroom, Aj stayed there on the bed, too shocked to think something or do something.

 

A simple request had made Brian so freaked out.

 

Still in his ears he could hear those broken words, Brian repeating over and over that he was dirty and it made his heart break. 

 

Right there, he felt in his insides mixed feelings: he felt helpless, clueless in what he could do to help Brian recover. How could he do that when Brian didn’t even want to be touched?

 

Still, no matter how useless he was feeling, Aj felt something more forceful slowing growing in him.

 

It was a fierce determination.

 

He wouldn’t give up, that was for sure.

 

He would help bring back Brian from the dark hole he was burying himself, even if it was the last thing he would ever do for the man he loved.

 

Not only because Nick asked him to.

 

No.

 

Because that was what lovers do, help each other in times of need. Brian helped him before, he was alive because of him, and now it was his turn to be the strong one.