Brian gazed at the sky, observing the orange melting into the pink, then in violet and, finally, becoming a dark blue with brightening stars. Soon, policemen would be around the house, some of them inside his bedroom and others would have want to talk to him. He wanted nothing more to disappear, becoming invisible and let Micheal and Alex dealing with everything: his mind was still swirling around the fact that Zach had followed him back home, like it was the most natural thing to do. And, maybe, in his twisted mind, it felt like that. It felt like Zach had every right to come to his house and leave a gift. Wonderful! Now he was even finding logic behind a crazy man.
Placing his head on his knees, he decided to think about the only thing stable in this situation. Alex. He would have jumped on Kevin when he had the brilliant idea to call him. He didn’t even realized how time had rolled by, it seemed like he had been underwater until he saw those hazel eyes focused on him, pulling him over the numbness in which he had been enveloped.
He didn’t like being so dependent on someone. He had always thought that he could go through everything with his own strength. But that was before Alex, or maybe it was because no one had ever put down his foot and forced him to stop being so stupidly stubborn.
He owed everything to him; he was the reason why he was still alive. What would have happened if he didn’t fight him from the start? Would he be that dependent on Alex?
Everything happened for a reason, that was what his mother always reminded him. He had to be on his own to understand how much he needed Alex’s presence. Maybe that wasn’t the way they were supposed to be together but nothing was set on stone. In a future, maybe, there would be times when Alex would depend on him or when they would have to combine their strength to overcome something. Right in that precise moment, he didn’t have to feel weak because he was asking help.
“There you are.”
Brian turned his eyes, smiling as he saw Aj leaning over the French window. “Want to join me?”
“Can I refuse this offer? - Aj replied, walking over and sitting down on the basket chair right beside him. – Man, now I understand why you love the Kentucky so much. You don’t get this sunset in the city.”
“Too many lights. They outshone the stars and the moon.”
They fell in a comfortable silence, watching the sunset and listening to the last songs from birds that still were singing hidden inside the trees. Brian leaned over and placed his head on Aj’s shoulder, for a moment he could phantom that everything was normal and that they were two normal guys falling in love with each other.
But reality, harsh reality, was waiting for him behind the corner. “Your mom told me that you’ve eaten only half sandwich.”
“I’m too nervous. – Brian answered rolling his eyes. – And you sound just like her. Or Kevin.”
“I’m just trying to be nice and this is how you repay me? You compare me to Kevin?”
“Sorry! But I’ll try to eat something after the police are gone.”
“Oh, I’ll hold it so don’t try to forget!” Brian replied with a smile, the first one he felt it had been really genuine. Seeing that smile, Aj couldn’t bring himself to tell him about the letter him and Micheal had found in the room. Brian was relaxed, as much as he could get after that day, but it was still a step ahead towards recovery. He didn’t want to be the one bringing him back in that pit of despair he had been until that moment. He remembered those empty eyes the moment he stepped inside the house, the way Brian had clung to him like he was the only thing that could save him. And now... now he was supposed to force him back in that condition? Oh no! Not at all! He would show him the letter after the police’s questions, if he was okay.
“Yesterday, before... before it happened, I did some thinking. – the soft voice pulled Aj back from his thoughts and Aj focused his attention on Brian. – While I know I can heal physically, I know that I can’t deal with the mental issues all alone. I need help.”
“That’s great, Bri. Getting help doesn’t mean you’re crazy or what. It just means that you need to sort things too big for you.”
“I know you wouldn’t make fun of me.”
“Never. – Aj assured him, placing a kiss on Brian’s temple. – Remember when I told you about the guys knowing and how Howie had found out because he knew someone who had been a victim too? – Brian nodded. – She’s now a therapist. Howie gave me the number so, whenever you want, you can call and make an appointment.”
“When this is gonna be over.” Brian admitted. Yes, when everything would be over, he would think only about getting back his life and starting a new one with Alex.
He just had to pray that he would have the strength to get through that day.
** ** ** ** ** **
Brian was scrubbing the dirt away from the dishes, trying as much to not think about what had happened in that room only some minutes before. He was trying as hard as he could to focus on the simple task of cleaning and not dwelling on the letter Zach had written and the fact that Alex had kept it from him.
Tears welled up in his eyes but stoically he refused to let them free, no matter how swollen his eyes would get or how blurry his sight would become. He wasn’t going to cry, even if this time his tears were coming from a hole full of anger and rage.
Was he really that frail and so emotional instable that even Alex was afraid about showing him a simple letter? After all he had been through and after all he had to witness, those twisted lines were nothing! They were harmless words of a twisted love. He already knew how crazy Zach was.
Just one part had him afraid:
Soon, when all obstacles are out of our way.
It wasn’t that hard to comprehend what kind of obstacles Zach was referring to: Alex, foremost. The other guys. His family.
One thing he was sure about. Zach would never hurt him or kill him. Three times he had the chance and he hadn’t done anything more than scaring him. In his sick mind, the rape hadn’t been something meant to hurt him. How did he call it? Oh, yes, a connection.
But still Alex had thought that he couldn’t bear to read those lines if he had to find out that letter from some stranger! Police’s questions had been hard to endure, he had to live again things he was trying so hard to forget but he had managed to do it without freaking over too much. Stoical, hand clasped tightly with Alex’s one, he had recalled everything, from the rape to the last time he had saw Zach with that mischievous smile on his face. And then, the bomb had been dropped: the other policeman, the one that had been checking his room with Micheal, had been back with a letter. He had been shocked, of course, but most of his shock had come from the realization that Alex had known about that piece of paper but didn’t tell him. From that moment, he hadn’t been able to look at him, feeling like there wasn’t anyone who believed in his strength.
Just as he was about to put down one of the glasses, footsteps behind him made him jump in fear. The glass fell from his hands, hit the sink and broke in pieces.
“Shit!”
With heart beating faster, Brian started picking up the broken glass. Relax, he chanted, you’re in your house and with policemen around no one is gonna hurt you. Still, his words didn’t sound so convinced to him since it had been so easy for Zach to get inside the house. A place where he had been used to feel so safe and secure. And, when someone placed a hand upon his, he couldn’t help to jerk away, ending up cutting his palm with the pieces of broken glass he was gathering.
“Bri, hey, it’s me.” If not for the raspy tone, Brian would have recognized that hand because of the tattoo inked on each fingers. It’s only Alex.
“I didn’t mean to jump.” Brian excused himself as he finally worked the courage to open his eyes.
“It’s okay. – Aj replied, taking a hold of Brian’s wrist to check his hand. – It’s not too deep but let’s cleaning it, okay?” Brian just nodded while he let Aj lead him to the table.
They settled down on the kitchen table and Aj started cleaning the cut. It wasn’t deep so he could just bandage up. Another trip at the hospital wasn’t on the top of his favorite things. They were in silence, Aj focused his attention on the act he was doing while Brian was trying to hold in his emotions. The burning coming from the cut was a blessing; it gave his mind something to focus instead than dwelling on the fact that he should be mad at Alex.
“Why you didn’t tell me?” He still had the right to ask.
Aj stopped his fingers and winced slightly at the bitter note in Brian’s voice. “I was going to. You know that I won’t keep you something.”
“You were going to. - Brian repeated slowly, like he was trying to convince himself. He raised up his head and with now clearer eyes. Bright blue shining like Aj hadn’t seen in a while. – But you didn’t. Why?”
Aj put down the white gauzes but didn’t dare to touch his fingers and neither Brian did. “You didn’t need it. Brian, I’ve been in your room and I still don’t know how you managed to not freak out. If I can spare you a little pain, just for a short time... well, I’m not sorry about it.”
“So, you just assumed that I was going to break down? You just thought that I’m so frail that even a stupid letter could tore the last control and shatter me?”
“Stupid letter? Did you even read what he said?” Aj didn’t even notice how his voice had raised up higher, starting to sound more a scream than a simple talk. And, too lost in his short temper, he didn’t take notice about how Brian didn’t falter or didn’t seem afraid of being screamed at.
“I did. But I believe we’ve already stated that Zach is crazy. I didn’t expect anything less. We know that he thinks that he’s doing this to prove how perfect he’s for me.”
The statement left Aj speechless. He should have known better and, yet, he had done the same thing he had told Kevin that was wrong: sheltering him that much because of fear. Defeat made his shoulders slumped down and Aj, too embarrassed, lowered his eyes to keep on bandage up Brian’s hand. “I’m sorry. I saw you smiling, I saw how easy you were with me that I didn’t want to see you cry again. I didn’t want to ruin a moment when you’re feeling like normal and then... then came the police and knowing what they were going to ask you... – He finished up the bandage but, this time, he didn’t pull away his hand. – Guess I wanted to protect you. Even though I should have known that you’re stronger than this.”
A soft moan escaped from Brian’s lips. His fingers found Aj’s and he intertwined them together. “Alex. If I’m strong it’s only because I know that you’re gonna be here for me no matter what. If I cry, you’ll be there holding me. If I want to scream or break things, you’ll let me do it, hearing every screams and ready to comfort me. I... Remember when I told you that I needed to be alone to crash hard?”
Aj nodded, his forehead a little frowned because he didn’t know what Brian was going to say. Or, better, he didn’t want to let himself believe those words that soon after were going to escape Brian’s lips.
“I was wrong. – Brian admitted. That made Aj’s head snapped up, his eyes searching in those blues in front of him a light that proved the words. Brian’s eyes never lied before and they weren’t lying in that moment. – I can’t be alone right now. I need you. Maybe it’s wrong, maybe it isn’t fair to you but... I do. I can’t do this alone.”
Aj realized that there, sitting in the Littrell’s kitchen, was the turning point in their relationship. He had thought it had been after admitting to Brian his love and how he wasn’t going to run away but he had been wrong. Back then, Brian was still fighting it, he was still trying to prove to everyone and himself that he could heal counting on his own strength. Oh, how he had been wrong! Now, in that precise moment, he could see that Brian was finally letting himself open to him. By admitting out loud that he needed help, he was placing a huge weight on trust upon his shoulders. But, to him, it wasn’t a heavy weight.
Never letting go of their holding hand, Aj placed his other hand upon Brian’s cheek, stroking over his thumbs. “Didn’t I already tell that I’m not gonna leave you alone?”
Warm although still small, a smile appeared in that face that Aj loved so much. “I don’t mind hearing another time.”
“And I don’t mind repeating it. – Aj replied. – So, that means that you will let me take care of you?” He asked with a sheepish smirk.
The past times, it hadn’t been a question. It had been a plea or a promise, sometimes an objection when Brian was so stubbornly convinced that he could do everything on his own. Now... now it was different. Aj knew what kind of answer Brian was going to give him and it enforced the sheer control he gathered up in Brian’s room.
“Only if you promise me that you won’t ever keep something from me. Even if it’s going to hurt me. I need you to believe in me.”
“Fair enough.”
Something happened in Brian in that moment. A desire that scared him because he didn’t know he was still able to nourish and to let it grow without thinking about what happened. But there, standing so close to Alex, feeling his breath so close to his face, he felt the urge to kiss him. Not those breathtaking kisses, burning from passion and lust. But a simple and gentle kiss, just to share with Alex some of the things he felt inside but that still were hard to say out loud. He remembered the first kiss given by Nick, how sweet his lips had tasted and how delicate he had been.
But just thinking about kissing and Nick’s kiss brought back the memories of that fateful night. The death grip on his chin, being hit because he didn’t want to be kissed, the bites.
This time, he didn’t stop the tears. He let them out, each drops holding in shame, pain and frustration. How he could possible think about something with Alex if even something that simple like a kiss was tainted by the nightmare?
Arms were suddenly wrapped around him, his head placed against a chest. He didn’t freak out; he would recognize those arms no matter what.
“Talk to me, sweetheart.” Aj simply requested, knowing that this time Brian would let him in.
“It’s... it’s stupid. Gosh! I feel so stupid!”
Aj just tightened up his embrace, hushing him. “It’s not stupid and you aren’t either.” He didn’t know what had brought those tears, although he might believed that everything that had happened in the last hours was slowly settling inside Brian’s.
Letting out a shaky breath, Brian curled up a fist around Aj’s shirt, needing the contact. “I... I wanted to kiss you. Just to try. But... I’m so messed up that I can’t! And why? Because the last kiss I’ve received was forced! I’m sorry... so sorry...”
“Hey, hey. I don’t wanna hear those foolishness! What are you sorry for?”
Brian just shrugged his shoulders and tried to get closer, closer than he was already. He didn’t care what people would thought if they see him like that. Or what Alex would think. “Help me to forget.”
“I will.” Aj didn’t know how or didn’t know how long it would take. He would make sure that Zach and what had done to Brian would be only a distant memory.
** ** ** ** ** **
Brian had known that he wouldn’t be able to sleep peacefully that night and it didn’t matter if Alex would be beside him. Trying to go to sleep had been out of question: he had been awake for more than a day and with all the rollercoaster of emotions it was a miracle he had been still lucid to refuse to take the pills when Alex had suggested it.
“You need to sleep. - Aj had said while he was getting ready to go to bed. – I know what you’re trying to do, you’re avoiding sleeping.” With a hand on his hip and a finger pointed towards him, Aj looked much like his mom when he was in trouble.
Yes, he needed to sleep. But if he had a nightmare, he wouldn’t be able to wake up if he was under medication. He would have been forced to live that reality without being able to run and escape those images. And that scared him more than going on with a little sleep.
So, he had expected the nightmares. What he didn’t expect was what they were about.
He was back in the club, chatting and laughing with Aj. Howie told them that he was thinking about going back to the hotel. So he went to the bathroom: smells and sounds hit him just as he put his foot over the door.
“My oh my, look at my luck!”
The voice behind his shoulder, that voice and that man. A voice in his mind that was screaming to get away as fast as he could. But his feet didn’t buckled, didn’t even make a small step. Brian couldn’t turn away or move his body, too frozen in fear because of what was waiting for him.
That time, he wasn’t alone in the bathroom. They weren’t alone. Moaning and sounds of pleasures were coming from the corner in the back of the room. Unwillingly, his feet brought him there.
A couple, two men intent on having sex. Brian knew one of the guys but not the other one. It seemed like he wasn’t in the bathroom anymore but in another place, a place he had only saw in pictures. Music was still loud even though it came through a closed door but all of his attention was drawn to the couple.
At first, he couldn’t believe that he was watching Aj, his Alex, doing things he couldn’t even think! But those images lasted only for a quick moment, too quick for him to linger and reflecting about that, probably, he was only recreating those pictures he had seen before.
“You would do much better.”
Oh, he knew that voice. And there, right before his eyes, stood Zach, that smirk always present upon his face.
The old Brian would have confronted him, demanding to know what game he was playing and why. But this Brian? This Brian could only stare at his attacker with big eyes, words tangled up in the throat but no sounds coming out.
“See? I knew you would be amazing.”
What the hell now he was talking about’ But Brian couldn’t ask, Zach had disappeared. The moaning didn’t stop but it wasn’t anymore Alex sitting on the lap of an unknown man. Now, the black hair had been replaced with two shades of blonde, one brighter and one much more darker.
Nausea rolled inside him as Brian realized that he was watching himself riding Zach.
“Brian! Come on hon, it’s only a dream, wake up.”
In the distance, Brian could hear Alex’s voice calling him. Was it all a dream? It had to be!
“I know you hate being wake up but you’re scaring me here.”
Finally, his feet seemed to function again. He followed Alex’s voice, out from that room, far away from that sick and disgusting image.
Reality surrounded him as he woke up with a start, a scream ready to be heard. A sea of warm hazel was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes. “You’re okay, Bri. It’s all over now.” The sweat voice was a soft whisper in the ear, a relief to be in those arms that meant that he was safe. Tears mixed up with sweat and tremors were ranging his frame, shakes that came from his very core. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t shake away the feeling of hands roaming all over his body, unwanted caresses along with kisses that were building up a sick hole in the pit of his stomach. He shifted, trying to get closer than it was humanly possible to the warm body pressed against him, anything to prevent that coldness and numbness to take control over him.
“Calm down, Bri. I’ve got you, it’s gonna be okay. You’re here with me, you’re not back there.”
It had meant to be a reassurance but it had been enough to bring back flashes of images he wanted to forget. Ragged breathing kept hold in the silence while Aj started to rock both of them, still chanting a mantra of soothing words. “Just follow my voice, there isn’t anyone here but us. You know I’m not gonna let something happen to you, right? But you have to calm down. Just focus on me and breathe.”
And so Brian did. He didn’t know for how long, but he focused on that simple task. Soon, Aj could feel the tension leaving Brian’s body, his breathing becoming more and more natural. Still, he didn’t stop rubbing his hand in circles on Brian’s back.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Oh no, Brian didn’t want to tell him what he had dreamt. But he knew he couldn’t keep them inside, on top of everything those nightmares were tearing in shreds his control. “It started the same. I was in the club, Howie told us that it was time to go back to the hotel and I went to the bathroom. – Nausea returned in full force so he was forced to wait a little before he could speak up again. Now came the hardest part: he wasn’t supposed to know about the photos since Alex hadn’t talk or show him. And, for that matter, he kind of understood why he hadn’t wanted to share them: he would have done the same thing if there were around pictures of his rape. But that part was the one that was hurting him the most and made him feel like he had sold his body to his rapist. – It was different, this time. I... was watching you with that hooker.”
As soon as Brian’s words left his lips, the hand stopped its motion. Freeze in shock, Aj didn’t know what to say. How did Brian know about the pictures? He hadn’t shown them to him and had asked Micheal not to talk about it either. Mostly, because he didn’t want Brian to know how much weak he had been.
“Zach was there, saying things I couldn’t understand until... until the scene changed and we were the ones doing that stuff.”
Confusion lighted up Aj, who finally regained his voice. “What? We who?”
“Me and Zach.” Brian managed to say before everything he had tried to hold down came up in a blown. Brian managed to untangle himself from Aj’s embrace and ran for the bathroom, getting to the toilet just in time.
Aj didn’t follow him right away. For a long moment, he stayed in that same position on the bed, thinking about what Brian just told him. The irrational and still insecure part of him was screaming that Brian was feeling sick because of him, because of those pictures where he had been nothing more than a whore, pleasuring a man he didn’t even know. Gosh, it wasn’t a wonder if Brian had jumped away from him! Get a grip, he thought, if he didn’t want you he wouldn’t never asked you to help him. This is Brian you’re talking about, he would never be disgusted because of what have you done but because of what had been done to you. Think about him and not always yourself.
Clucking to himself, Aj resolutely got out the bed and hopped towards the bathroom: Brian was still bended over the toilet, although now the sounds were mostly of rough dry – heaving. He picked up a washcloth and wet him with cold water, then dropped down beside Brian and placed it on his neck, the other hand on his back drawing circle in a comforting motion.
“The only time I had enjoyed eating something...” Brian joked weakly, a dry laughter soon replaced by a coughing.
“Well, look it as an improvement. At least, you had something to throw up.”
“Oh, if I have the energy I would jump around in joy. - Was the reply of Brian, slumping against Aj’s body. A hand was favoring his stomach while the other searched for Aj’s. – I’m sorry.”
Keeping the conversation lightly, Aj joked back. “Oh, it isn’t the first time I’ve supported you while puking. It’s becoming our favorite hobby.”
“Can I say that I would be happier with any other hobby?”
“Me too. – Aj replied, replacing the already warm washcloth with his hands. – But I’m the one that should be sorry, Bri. I should have told you about those... don’t think that I’ve done it because I thought you could break down.”
“I know. I would have done the same thing if I had been in your shoes. I’m not disgusted by you, Alex. Not at all.”
“How did you find them?”
“I wanted to check something in the file Micheal had left and those were attached to Zach’s letter. I’m sorry you have to see them.”
“Actually, I didn’t react well when I saw them but... accepting what have you done is the first step to move on. Zach didn’t force me and neither Coco. I wanted to do those things, even if it was the drugs that were pushing me. I just hate the fact that this is hurting you more than you’re doing already.”
“Just remember that I would never be disgusted by you, okay? That man in the pictures it wasn’t the same man that stood by my side from the start. It isn’t my Alex.”
“Think it’s over, honey?” Aj asked concerned.
“Yes, I think. – Brian replied, trying to get up. – There wasn’t too much in my stomach.” He coughed, trying to clear his throat but only managing to burn it with the still lingering acid.
“I can make you some tea, it would soothe your throat.” Aj offered when he saw him wincing.
“With honey?”
Aj smiled warmly. “As much as you want.”
Brian leaned over and left a small kiss. “Thanks. I’m gonna take a shower, if you don’t mind.”
The implication in those words wasn’t lost, Aj knew the reason behind and it wasn’t only because he was too much sweaty for his liking. Brian had made some steps forward but he couldn’t expect him to stop feeling dirty in a matter of days. “Just don’t use too much hot water. Remember that the dirt isn’t on your skin. It’s all mental.”
If it had been someone else, Brian would have just snapped at him or just glared like they didn’t know what they were talking about. But it was Alex who knew and understood. “I’ll try.” It was the best he could promise. The itching was still bearable but it was mainly because Alex was still there and his presence was always a boost of strength. It was like having his charming hero always ready to keep him safe from the devil dragon. The least he could do was to try to do the same thing with the dragon living inside his mind.
He watched as Aj left the room, closing the door barely, just a little inch to give him privacy but enough to hear for any alarming sounds. When all of his clothes lied on the pavement’s tiles, Brian stepped inside the shower, forcing his hands to stay away from the tap that provided the hot water. He opted for a middle way, just not too cold but not too hot either.
Water drops descended upon his skin like waterfalls, slipping from his hair down to the floor, following the lines and curves of his body. Those unpleasant feelings disappeared beneath the pure liquid, giving him a sense of being finally cleaned by those lingering memories of his nightmare.
It wasn’t you in that dream. You would never do something like that. His conscience reasoned, trying to clear his mind for any left doubts. But his heart couldn’t help but wonder and question. Wondering if he would be ever able to be that intimate with Alex, wondering if he would ever feel comfortable to share something that maybe he had lost that night. Wondering if he would ever be able to enjoy giving pleasure to the one he loved.
Lost in so many questions, one thing was very clear: that night was going to be so damn long.
** ** ** ** ** **
The teapot was starting to kettle as Aj was trying to remember where Jackie kept the honey. Everything else was already ready on the tray he had found on the counter: mugs, sugar, a little bit of milk and a fair collection of every tea Brian’s mom had – which included so many flavors that he wanted to ask Brian if he had tasted all – along with some cookies to see if Brian would eat a little bit.
“Second drawer by the top.”
Aj turned around to see Jackie standing on the door, a robe wrapped around her and her hair perfectly combined in a ponytail. “Did I wake you up?” He asked concerned, thinking that he might have been much louder that he had thought.
“Not at all. – Was the honest reply of the older woman. – I’m a light sleeper and I’ve heard the shower running from the room so I thought to come down and check a little.”
“Brian had a nightmare. I’m hoping some tea would calm him down a little but I doubt he will go back to sleep.”
Jackie retried the honey and placed it on the tray. Then, he motioned Aj to sit down while she finished doing the tea. “You’re feeling better?”
He looked at her in surprise and quite confused. Then, he remembered it had been her cleaning the bucket. “Much better. I’m sorry for that.” He replied, lowering his eyes on his lap.
“Don’t be. I haven’t been able to step in that room since this afternoon, knowing what there was inside. - She said warmly – How are you holding up?”
“I’m okay. Really. Being with ma had been helpful but... right now, I can’t stand be away from Brian. It’s the first time that someone needs me so bad.”
Jackie stalled while making the mugs. “I’ve never been against Brian being gay. I had a hard time coming to term with it but I never hated my son for who he was. Some may say that this is his punishment because he had sinned and he’s still doing it. But this is something that no one, no matter what his sexuality is, deserves.”
Aj didn’t know how to reply or if that was the moment to step in and say something. He didn’t know how Brian had handled the coming out part, since it happened when he was digging himself in the hole of drug and alcohol. Maybe once Brian had tried to tell him but the conversation had been stopped because he had passed out. Still, he could remember the day when Brian had come to visit him in the rehab facility. With Nick. He was happy, smiling in that lovely way that now was reserved to him, and he never asked how he had managed to conciliate his faith with his sexuality.
“And I know that God isn’t punishing him either. – She said after a moment of pause. – He wouldn’t ever send you as his angel if Brian was a sinner.”
Aj felt his emotions gripping a hold of his control, tears were already started to well up in his eyes and he blinked them rapidly to brush them off. He cleared his voice once, twice, before he could speak without cracking. “It means so much for me. Half of the times I don’t know what to do to help him or if he will ever be himself once again.”
“He will. - She reassured him, patting his hand. – Come on, take up the tray and try to get him to sleep a little. You too, Alexander. You need more strength than Brian right now since you have to look after him.”
A brief nod, a quick exchange of goodnights and then Aj found himself back in what had been once Brian’s brother’s room. The light had been turned off but a flickering blue light shone the figure sat on the bed.
“Television? Really?” he asked, his eyebrows arched.
“You were taking too much time and I found a marathon of Classic Disney. – Brian answered. The shower had made him much more relaxed but still he didn’t’ dare to go back to sleep. – But if the tv will disturb you, I just go down in the living room. You should sleep.”
Aj settled down the tray between the two of them, then he offered Brian the mug is mum had made, the one with the mint flavored tea. “I’ve managed to sleep with you and Nick in the same room, I think I can do even with the television on.”
Brian accepted the cup, waited for Aj to take his, and then settled himself close to the boy. Naturally, Aj’s arm went around Brian’s shoulder, letting Brian putting his head against his chest. “Good, ‘cause I didn’t want you to be all alone in this big bed.” He joked.
Laughing quietly to himself, Aj kept up the joking. It was a relief seeing Brian that lifted after a nightmare and he would do anything to keep that light shining. “Yes, this bed is really too big for only one person.”
“That was what I was thinking. You’re lucky that I’m so compassionate. You don’t find guys like me nowadays.”
“That’s so true. – Aj admitted. – So, what are you watching?”
Brian, mindlessly, picked up a cookie and nibbled it a little. “The Little Mermaid. It’s one of my favorite.”
“Never saw it.” Aj confessed.
“Tell me you’re joking!” Brian exclaimed in surprise, looking at him like he had grown two heads.
“I’m not. Look, I spent all my childhood doing audition and taking dance lessons. I didn’t have time to watch cartoons.”
“This isn’t a simple cartoon. It’s magic. It’s hope.”
“How can it be about hope when she’s a mermaid and he’s human?”
Brian took a sip from his tea. “Because it teaches you to follow your dreams and to fight for what you want, even if it’s not realizable. Love. Love doesn’t come only in one shape or genre. No matter what, their love would win and overcome every obstacle. – He said softly, his tone softened as he watched Ariel singing about how beautiful he would have been if she was part of Eric’s world. – Just like what I wish it would happen for us.”
Kissing the top of Brian’s head, Aj tightened up their embrace and, after settling down his cup on the bedside table, he made himself comfortable. Images shifted together as the little mermaid made the trade with the devil witch, songs melted in one carried by the softly notes made by Brian – who knew every songs and lines – and soon Aj was sounds asleep, his head bended in a weird angle. Brian realized it when the movie had been over and, with no sounds, the little snores were the only rumor in the room. He just smiled, thinking that at least one of them could sleep and rest and God knew how exhausted Alex had been: flying in for him, checking the room and then had to stand beside him as he told the police everything. And he couldn’t forget that he was still battling the cravings. Extracting himself from the embrace, Brian picked up the tray and his cup, placing them on his bedside table; then, being attentive not to wake Alex, he maneuvered him so he could lie down and not in that awkward position he had fallen asleep in. Lastly, he resumed his position between Aj’s arms as the opening credits of Aladdin started to roll on the screen.
** ** ** ** ** **
Half through the movie, Brian’s cell phone started to ring. Brian reached for it before it could wake up Alex, who was still sleeping soundly. Surprise hit him as he read the name of the caller: Nick. Gosh, what the hell had happened?
“Nick?”
“Ehi, Frick! Didn’t think you would be still up!”
“So why did you call me?” Brian asked, relief sweeping through him. Nothing had happened, it was only Nick being Nick.
“I wanted to check. Why aren’t you sleeping?”
“Same nightmare. What’s your excuse for being awake at this hour?”
“I’m driving. So it’s better if I’m awake, right?”
“Driving?” Brian asked in disbelief.
“Yes, driving. You know, in the car?”
“I know you’re driving your car. Where are you going?”
“Don’t get too upset and listen, okay? – Nick started sheepishly. – Kevin called me and told me what happened. I know you have a house full of people but... I just want to be there for you.”
“You’re coming here?”
“Yes. And, before you object, I was at home all alone and you know that I don’t know how to stay alone. So, I thought that staying with you would have been much better than running around my house without anyone to talk with.”
“Nick, coming here now it’s not... It’s too dangerous. Zach could still be here, hiding somewhere. I don’t want to put you in danger.”
“I don’t care. Brian, he won’t do nothing now that your house is surrounded by police.”
“Nick...” Brian pleaded, even though he knew it was pretty much pointless. If Nick had decided to come, nothing could stop him.
“Brian.”
Brian resigned in defeat. “Please, be careful at least.”
“I’m always careful.”
“So careful that you’re driving while being on the phone. How many times did I tell you?”
Laughter came through the phone. It seemed like nothing had changed between the two of them. Best friend they had been before and still they were the best friend for each other. “How many times have I listened to you?”
“Never.”
“Right. – Comfortable silence fell between them for a minute or so. – Bri, I’ve done something.”
Brian covered his eyes with a hand. “Why am I afraid?”
“I promise it isn’t something bad. I... – a shuddering breath while Nick passed a hand through his hair, convincing himself that it had been the right thing to do. – I did something for you. I’m not Jay, I know that I’m not the right person to be in charge to take care of you. But... I’m still your Frack and I sensed that, sometimes, you’re uncomfortable being with me because I remind you of Zach. So... I’ve cut my hair. And dyed them a little darker.”
Brian didn’t know what to say, emotions were clouding inside his throat. Never had he thought how much the guys were willing to help him. Oh, he knew he should know better but the last time he had been the one in needing, he had been left alone. And while he had accepted and forgave the guys, a part of him was still waiting them at the corner, knowing that if something would happen, they would do the same thing: running away. This part, this untrustworthy himself, had been proven wrong. “You didn’t have to.”
“I know. I wanted to.”
“Thanks, Nicky. You don’t know how much it means to me.” Brian whispered, his voice still cracking because of the tears that wanted to go out.
“I know, Bri. I know... – Nick couldn’t continue his sentence, a bright light coming from the rearview blinded him for a moment. – What the hell?”
“Nick?”
Nick didn’t answer. Thinking that the car behind him wanted to surpass him, he moved on his right, signaling him to speed up and pass. But the car didn’t do anything, it kept following him and blinding him. Something was very wrong.
“Someone is following me, Brian.” He admitted.
All obstacles are out of our way. Gosh, Nick had been right. Zach wasn’t there anymore but he was making sure that no one would come between them. And since he couldn’t get Alex, he went to his next target. Nick. He didn’t care anymore about letting Alex sleep so, while still being on the phone with Nick, he shook his arms, trying to get him awake. “Nick, listen. Pull over at the next stop and call the police. I’m making Alex calling Micheal. It’s Zach.”
“You’re right.” Nick said, trying not to let show how much he was freaking out. Because he hadn’t told Brian the fact that his brakes didn’t work anymore. Surely, Zach had cut them and now he was trying to swerve him off the road.
A car crash caused by an unknown driver, since no one but them was on the road.
Brian was still on the phone, hearing Nick swearing and praying that nothing would happen. Then, so suddenly and only following a moment of silence, he heard something he had hoped he never ever heard: a loud bang, then metal crashing. Before everything returned to an unnatural silence, Nick’s scream echoed inside the room. Then, nothing more than the static sound of the phone disconnected.