For a while AJ simply sat there, trying to think of what he could do. Something, anything, that might help. He couldn’t just get up and leave. Brian needed him right now, whether he was ready to admit it or not. At first he had simply thought that Brian was scared of being hurt again, of being touched.

 

But Brian’s words played back over in his mind, the way that he’d said he was dirty over and over. That struck a chord deep inside of AJ in a part of him he had never shared with a soul. A part of himself that had taken a long time to heal from. God, he knew what it was to feel dirty. To feel like, no matter how many times you showered, you would never really be clean again. Or to feel that part of that would rub off of you if you let someone you cared about touch you. How could he not have seen this in Brian? How had he been so stupid as to not recognize it before this?

 

Cautiously, AJ climbed from bed. He wasn’t quite sure what the right thing to do here was, so he simply followed his instincts.

 

The shower had stopped by then, but Brian still hadn’t emerged from the bathroom. AJ walked over there and stopped by the door. He didn’t touch the handle, didn’t knock. In a soft voice he called “Brian?” No answer. “Brian, I’m sorry I scared you. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to. I promise. Can we talk?”

 

A soft sniffle sounded from the other side of the door, but nothing else. No movement; nothing. Softly, AJ sighed. Then he put his back to the door and slid down to the ground. He wrapped his arms around his knees and stared at the wall opposite him as he tried to figure out what to do or what to say.

 

Again, he let instinct take over. “I know that right now you feel so much, Brian. There are so many things fighting inside of you. Fear, pain, anger. Shame. I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t feel them because you have every right to your emotions. No one can tell you what to feel or how to feel. No one can say you shouldn’t feel that way, because you do, and it’s your right to do so.”

 

Taking a deep breath, AJ prepared to say things that he had never before been able to say out loud. “I just want you to know that I’m here for you. That I can understand, even just a little, what it’s like to feel that way. To feel dirty and used. Ashamed of what’s happened. I was never raped…” Oh, how he hated saying that word. How he hated thinking that something that vile had been done to Brian “…but a part of me still understands.”

 

There was a soft sound on the other side of the door. AJ hesitated only for a second, trying to judge what it was. He realized it was the sound of Brian scooting closer. Still no other sound, but that had to mean he was listening, right? AJ held on to that and kept talking, trying to keep his voice low and soothing.

 

“I’ve never told anybody about this because I was ashamed of it. So believe me when I say I understand the shame.” Willingly, AJ delved into that part of him that still hurt sometimes. If it would help Brian, then he was willing to expose his own personal pain without a single hesitation. “When I was heavy in drinking and drugs, you know the kind of person I was. How I could act when I wanted a fix. There were plenty of times that a man or a woman would have what I needed, but money wasn’t quite good enough for it. They wanted a little more.”

 

There was another shuffling sound that said that Brian had come even closer. Bolstered, AJ kept going.

 

“I slept with them, without even caring. It was mechanical. Just something to do to get the fix I needed. There were a few people in a few towns that knew that and didn’t even bother charging me money for it. They just wanted to be able to say they’d fucked AJ Mclean. I let them do it, Brian. That’s the difference in you and me here. I let them.”

 

AJ laid his head back against the door and closed his eyes. “I fucked so many people. Men, women, it didn’t matter. They didn’t matter. I was little better than a whore, screwing for drugs instead of cash. Hell, there were nights I’d get so blitzed that I’d wake up in the morning, not remembering a damn thing I’d done, and find myself in bed with one or more people.”

 

Still, no sound came from the bathroom. But AJ knew he was being heard. His words were being listened to.

 

“It took me a damn long time to find peace with myself for that.  To come to grips with the fact that that wasn’t me. When I first came back, I imagine you guys noticed how little I touched. How much I didn’t want to be touched. You guys assumed I was just raw from detoxing. That wasn’t it. I felt like a dirty, disgusting person. Like if I let you guys touch me, who I was might rub off on you.”

 

AJ almost fell over when the door opened. Just barely he managed to catch himself, staying balanced as he was. He didn’t turn around. Didn’t think that it would be smart. He wanted to let Brian come to him.

 

“Will…” Brian’s voice was hesitant. His swallow was audible. “Will it ever go away?”

 

“Eventually.” AJ answered honestly. “It doesn’t happen overnight, but it does start to ease after a while. You also learn that no amount of showers will ever make you feel clean enough. You find out it’s all up here…” AJ tapped the side of his head. “…and no shower ever cleans that.”

 

The silence stretched over them for a moment. AJ didn’t say anything, knowing that now was the time to be silent. But, eventually, Brian did break that silence. “I’m sorry I ran off.” He whispered.

 

“I understand.” AJ said easily. He had to work to keep his voice even. Maybe, if he made a point of staying calm, it might help Brian to stay calm. “I should have thought about it before and realized that you felt that way.”

 

They stayed silent for another moment longer. AJ could practically feel Brian’s quivers behind him. Everything in him ached to take the man into his arms and hold him until his pain was gone. But that would be the worst possible thing to do. Any touch on his part would only scare Brian more. Any touching, right at this moment, would have to come from Brian, or with Brian’s permission.

 

It surprised him when Brian spoke again. AJ had become so lost in thought that the sound of Brian’s voice seemed louder than normal. “What happened with you…it wasn’t your fault, Alex. You weren’t yourself at the time. The drugs and alcohol made you into someone different. What you did then wasn’t your fault.”

 

AJ felt like his heart was overflowing. Who else in the world but Brian would sit there and try to reassure another person when it was them who needed the reassurance and love? “You really believe that?” He asked Brian quietly.

 

“I do.” Brian whispered back. “The real you wouldn’t have done that. Maybe it wasn’t a physical r-rape, but it was a spiritual one. It wasn’t your fault.”

 

For the first time since Brian had opened the door, AJ turned his head and looked Brian straight in the eyes. Purposely he looked nowhere but into Brian’s bright blue eyes, still wet with tears. “If you can see that, then why can’t you see that it wasn’t your fault either? You did say no, Brian. You fought.”

 

“Because if it isn’t my fault, then it doesn’t make sense.” The words were tore from deep inside Brian and fairly quivered with his pain. “If it doesn’t make sense then there’s no reason and there has to be a reason. Something made this guy do this.”

 

This was the most that Brian had opened up about all of this and AJ was terrified of saying or doing something to scare him away again. Now that they were looking at one another, AJ knew he couldn’t look away without breaking the moment. So he shifted, pressing his back into the doorframe. It took great effort but he kept his eyes only on Brian’s face, looking nowhere else on him. “Does that something have to be you?” AJ asked him. “Sometimes there are things and people in life that we just don’t understand. But that doesn’t mean that we have to take their faults on as our own.”

 

A weak chuckle slipped past Brian’s lips. Turning his head away for a second, he wiped at his cheeks. “When did you get to be so wise?” he teased lightly.

 

AJ let his grin spread over his face. He held one finger aloft. “Ah, young grasshopper, when you have passed my tests, only then shall I tell you the great secrets of the universe.”

 

“Nerd.” Brian shook his head as he chuckled again. The tension between them was nicely broken for that moment. But AJ actually saw the relaxation leave Brian; saw the muscles in his body snap taunt. “AJ?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“How….how did you know I said no? How did you know I fought?”

 

Curious, AJ quirked his head. “I assumed, I guess. I don’t see you being the type to just stand there and let it happen. You’re stronger than that.” AJ shrugged, looking down at his lap as he fiddled with his shirt.  Because he wasn’t looking, he didn’t see how his words made Brian feel. He didn’t see the way that Brian’s eyes went wide with surprise. There was no way he could know that his simple statement made Brian sit a little straighter, finding just a tiny bit more strength inside. That his announcement of Brian’s strength actually gave Brian a small amount of that strength back to him.

 

Using that strength, Brian said the one thing that surprised the both of them. “You…you can look. Make sure everything is ok. But don’t…don’t touch.”

 

There was no need to ask what he was talking about. AJ lifted his eyes again. “I will not touch you without your permission.” He promised. For the first time he noticed that Brian was dressed only in sweats and a robe. His curls were damp, hanging down around his face.

 

Tight as a bowstring, Brian turned his back towards AJ. He seemed to be shaking as he grabbed hold of the front of his robe and slowly started to slide it off his shoulders. AJ could see how much this took out of him to do. How scared and humiliated it made him feel. God, how he wished that he could tell Brian to stop, that he didn’t have to do this. But he knew they needed to. They needed to see how bad Brian was really hurt.

 

When Brian finally got the back of the robe down around his waist, AJ let his gaze slide downwards. Nausea boiled up inside of him only to be ruthlessly shoved back down. There were no open wounds, thank God. No blood. But against Brian’s left shoulder blade was a deep set bruise that made AJ wince with sympathy. Most likely that one pained him simply by moving that arm.

 

There was another lower down, on the right side, on the back of his ribs. That was probably the one that hurt him when he shifted on the bed earlier. Whatever had been on the wall that he’d been shoved against had left some pretty good marks. AJ also could see marks on Brian’s upper arms that looked like they could be handprints. Most likely where the man had grabbed him to slam him backwards.

 

Anger was like a poison in AJ’s system, threatening to take him under. It took every ounce of control he had not to rush up out of there and hunt down the bastard who had dared to hurt Brian. The only thing that kept AJ in place was the knowledge that it would hurt Brian right now if he up and left.

 

So when he had his temper under control and could be sure his voice was calm, AJ spoke. “There’s a pretty dark one on your shoulder blade. Another on the back of your ribs. You’ll have to take it easy moving for a while, especially if that one bruised your ribs themselves. Those can take a while to heal.”

 

“Gee thanks, Age. Never would have figured that out on my own.” Brian fell back on teasing has he hurriedly pulled his robe back up.

 

Because Brian was expecting it, AJ flashed him a grin when he turned around. “I know, that’s why I told you.” He said cheekily. “Now that we’re done with that, though, why don’t you go finish whatever’s left of breakfast. I gotta pop in here and take a piss anyways.”

 

That made Brian laugh, which had been AJ’s goal. Try to relax him after putting him through stress. “Thanks for the info, J.” Brian said, slowly rising to his feet. AJ gestured him past and waited until after Brian had stepped over him before he stood up as well. Pausing in the doorway, AJ gave another quicksilver grin. “Anytime, Bri! Anytime!” he called before shutting the door.

 

Once the door was shut, AJ leaned back against it and closed his eyes. He needed a minute to be able to calm himself and to think. What the hell was he going to do? How on earth was he going to help Brian not only heal on the outside, but on the inside as well?

 

First things first, they needed to make sure physical needs were taken care of. As for the mental and emotional ones, they’d taken a small step here today, talking the way they had. AJ sighed. It was going to be a long road to recovery, but he was going to stand by Brian until the very end of it, no matter what.