By the time they had to get up for the interview, AJ had already napped a little himself and woke back up. He was still sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning back against the headboard. Sighing, he rolled his head, trying to ease the stiffness out of his neck and shoulders. That’s what he got for sleeping sitting up like that.

 

“You’re going to be awfully sore.”

 

That sweet southern voice ran over AJ like warm molasses, thick and sweet. Unconsciously everything about AJ softened as he looked down at the bed. Brian was looking up at him with eyes that lacked their usual brightness, but that were also starting to gain back a small measure of their normal strength.

 

AJ worried about that a little. He’d always admired Brian’s strength and had been amazed by it. But there were times that it was ok to break down, to lose all control. How to explain that to Brian without coming off sounding silly? If he just let Brian lock it all away and shut it off, then one day it was going to rear up and bite him in the ass.

 

With a sigh AJ brought his attention back to the current moment. “I’ve slept in worse places, I’ll be ok.” He said in answer to Brian’s statement.

 

A small twinkle entered Brian’s eyes. “Worse places, huh? Sounds interesting.”

 

“You have no idea.”

 

“Really?” Now the twinkle was definitely there in those blue depths. “Name one for me.”

 

Laughter tickled the back of AJ’s throat. Could he deny Brian anything? Most especially when it made his eyes twinkle and glow with that old amusement? He knew the answer to that. No one else may have believed it, but he knew the answer to it. No. He could never deny Brian anything. “One of the nights I got really wasted I was in the bathroom and I threw up half the night, effectively clearing out the alcohol.” AJ rolled his eyes at the memory. “My morning I was sober, but exhausted. So instead of crawling out to bed, I curled up in the tub.” When Brian started to chuckle, AJ held up a hand. “No, no. That’s not even the best part. The best part is, I didn’t even lay the long ways. I put my head against the wall and hung my legs over the side of the tub, so I was sleeping all scrunched up.”

 

“Oh my God, Jay. Only you.”

 

Warmth spread inside of AJ. He loved it when Brian called him ‘Jay’. Most people said it and it sounded like ‘J’; but when Brian said it in that warm voice with his accent, it changed it to sound more like ‘Jay’. “You wouldn’t have me any other way.” AJ said cheekily.

 

About that moment the two of them seemed to realize that they were still holding hands. That, in fact, they had both fallen asleep holding hands.

 

Wide eyed, Brian looked at their hands, shifting them so he could better see but never letting go. “It’s…easier than I thought it would be.” He whispered, voice tinged with surprise. “It feels almost normal.”

 

The way he said the word normal tore at AJ’s heart. The sound to Brian’s voice at that moment was something that AJ was familiar with. The sensation of wondering what normal really was, along with surprise at finding yourself feeling it when you finally did recognize it. He didn’t say anything. This wasn’t the time for him to talk, not yet. But he didn’t move either. He wanted to leave the ball in Brian’s court. That was the only way they would make any progress for him. Push a little, then stand back and let Brian find his footing.

 

After staring at their joined hands for a moment longer, Brian shifted their fingers so that they were interlocked together. His grip wasn’t tight, but it was firm.

 

Those beautiful eyes lifted back up to AJ again, that hidden well of strength obvious in them. “Is it time for the interview yet?”

 

“Almost.” AJ answered softly. “About a half hour yet.”

 

Something on his face must have given him away because suddenly Brian was sitting up, looking at him intently. “What is it, Age?” The grip on AJ’s hand tightened just a hair but it was enough to tell AJ that Brian was tensing up in preparation for whatever he thought was coming.

 

Instantly AJ sought to soothe him. “Nothing’s wrong, Bri. Chill, honey.” The endearment slipped out without him even realizing it. Often enough he thought of Brian by that term inside of his own mind. “I’ve just been thinking. Why don’t you just stay here and rest instead of heading to the interview? We can all cover for you.”

 

“Stay here?” Brian exclaimed softly. The tension drained out of him to be replaced with surprise. “Are you kidding me? AJ, this is my job. I can’t just not go to work.”

 

“Why not? Even the average dude has a sick day!”

 

“I’m not the average guy.” Brian was quick to point out. His eyebrows drew down, creating a little furrow between them that AJ wanted so badly to smooth away. “I’m not sick either. I refuse to let this take away one of the happiest things in my life.”

 

Frustrated, AJ sighed. He leaned his head back against the headboard and closed his eyes. It took all his effort to keep his temper from snapping out like it usually would have and to make his tone stay at a normal level. He didn’t want to scare Brian into doing this. He wanted to reason with him. “You have barely slept for days now. For the first time in those few days, you’re actually capable of resting.” He said in a flat tone. “Staying here for a few hours wouldn’t be letting him win. It would be taking care of you.”

 

“I won’t hide!” The exclamation burst from Brian only seconds before he released AJ’s hand.

 

Opening his eyes, AJ watched as Brian did something that he rarely ever allowed to happen. He gave in to his temper. Arms wrapped around his waist, he paced by the foot of the bed, his boy vibrating with anger. Whether it was for AJ, for someone else, or for himself, AJ didn’t know and he had a feeling Brian didn’t really know either.

 

“Can’t you understand, Jay?” Spinning, Brian pinned AJ with his stare. “I refuse to hide in here like a coward! He’s taken everything, everything, from me! Am I just supposed to lie here in bed and let him take my music, my whole entire life, away from me?”

 

“I’m not asking you to give up singing, Brian…”

 

“There’s no reason I can’t go to this interview! I’m perfectly capable!”

 

AJ growled softly at the interruption. “I didn’t say you weren’t.” He snapped out. Immediately he closed his eyes and took deep breath, trying to pull that temper back inside. No, snapping at Brian wouldn’t help. Most likely it would just make things worse. So much worse. Dammit, Mclean, keep it calm! He told himself. “I just thought you should take advantage of being able to sleep while your mind and body are letting you. I was thinking of your health and your peace of mind, not your capability.”

 

The hotel room seemed silent after he finished speaking. He knew the words had sounded harder than he wanted, but it was difficult to keep things peaceful sounding; especially when he was known for having a temper and Brian had not only been yelling at him, but he’d interrupted him as well.

 

The bed gave a little under someone’s weight right before a hand tentatively touched his cheek, startling AJ so badly that he almost jumped. Cautiously he opened his eyes. Brian was right before him, just barely touching AJ’s cheek with his fingertips, a small tremble running through that hand. His eyes were bright and yet soft. “I’m sorry for snapping at you and cutting you off.”

 

“It’s ok.” AJ managed to rasp out. “Just don’t do it again.”

 

Brian chuckled, just like AJ had wanted. The trembling eased in those fingers, but then they were dropping back down, resting in Brian’s lap. “I need to go to this, AJ. Can you understand? I need to know if I can.”

 

In one blinding instant, AJ did understand. Brian needed to know if he could even be around his friends. If being around them would make him freak out, or if he’d be ok. Kind of like a test to see if he’d later be able to manage a show. “Well, we should get dressed better if we’re going.” He said as an answer. “I doubt they want the wrinkly look for the interview.”

 

The grin that lit Brian’s face made their entire conversation worth it. “Give it three days and it’d be the new fashion trend.” He teased.

 

“God, isn’t that the truth. We could wear trash bags and make a fashion statement out of it.”

 

“Or banana hats.” Brian threw in.

 

Laughing, AJ rose to his feet. “A giant tomato earring.” He said with a grin as moved away from the bed to stretch.

 

Warming to the spirit of things, Brian chuckled. “Tinfoil jewelry.”

 

“Now, I draw the line somewhere.” AJ turned to look at Brian, a mock serious look on his face. “The banana hat, maybe. Tomato earring, not happily but I’d do it. But tinfoil jewelry? A man’s got to have standards, Bri!” He put his hands on his hips, inwardly grinning as he watched Brian laugh. “Beside, we’re supposed to have great fashion sense, being gay and all that. Why, we’d be hunted by homosexuals all over the world!”

 

A pillow caught AJ in the face. Brian couldn’t say anything, he was laughing too hard. AJ just grabbed the pillow and threw it back. “It’s true! They’d hunt us down. We wouldn’t know they were coming until we heard the sound of expensive Italian shoes following us; or till we caught a whiff of Gucci cologne.”

 

“Out!” Brian called out through his laughter. He threw another pillow at AJ. “Out, out!”

 

“The things they’d do you to, Brian, you don’t even want to know! Stay away from the tinfoil, for the sake of our lives!” AJ called out as he made a beeline for the door. He shut it behind him, grinning as the sound of Brian’s laughter still rang in his ears.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The interview had so far gone better than he had ever thought it would. Brian sat on the little stool behind the couch, with Nick on his right, Kevin even further right, and AJ below him with Howie below Nick and Kevin.

 

Because he’d arrived a little late, Brian had managed to avoid all conversation with his friends so far. He’d been pulled right into makeup, which might have bothered him if it hadn’t been for the view his mirror gave him. AJ and Nick had been wrestling around, playing with one another and laughing. Just watching them had been enough for Brian to keep his torment inside at the feeling of hands touching him.

 

Even so, he was trembling a little by the time they released him. He’d been the last, so they’d quickly shuffled them all over to their seats. Quickly the cameras had been set up and turned on and the questions started. This part wasn’t so hard. Years of being in the spotlight had given them all the ability to turn on their ‘game face’. True, he wasn’t his usual perky self. But he answered the questions he was supposed to.

 

But once the interview was done and the people were packing up to leave the hotel room, Brian looked at his friends and realized that he wasn’t going to get off so easy anymore. Nerves jangled in his stomach.

 

Kevin was the first one to walk over to him. The look in his eyes was one that Brian had seen a million times before. It clearly said that he wanted answers and he was going to get them, no matter what.

 

Anxious, Brian looked around, trying to think of a way to escape this. He didn’t realize that he’d stood from his chair and backed up a few steps until he found the wall at his back. Panic kicked in a little. What was he going to do? What was he going to say? Across the room he somehow found AJ’s eyes through all the chaos and the noise. One look was all it took. Almost the instant their eyes connected, AJ started weeding quickly through the crowd to Brian’s side.

 

Kevin got there first, if only by a few seconds. “Bout time we saw you, Bri. Been wondering how you been doing.”

 

Right as he finished his question, AJ stepped up, casually leaning against the wall right beside Brian. Their sides were almost touching, but not quite. Instead of scaring him more, Brian was surprised to realize that AJ’s presence there was a comfort. The walls didn’t feel like they were closing in as much; he could breathe a little easier. He found himself wishing he could hold AJ’s hand again and that thought surprised him even more.

 

Lost in thought as he was, Brian didn’t notice the irritation flash in Kevin’s eyes at AJ’s interruption. He’d been hoping to press Brian to find out what was going on while he was alone. But AJ saw it and couldn’t resist flashing a grin.

 

Belatedly Brian remembered that Kevin had been talking and probably expected a response. “I’ve been fine.” He forced the lie out. There was no way he could tell Kevin what was going on. No freaking way. No, no, don’t think about it. If you think about it, it hurts. Shove it down. Push it back. Don’t think. Be strong. “Just taking it easy.”

 

“You sure? You haven’t really seemed yourself lately. It’s not normal, hiding out by yourself in your room.”

 

God, Kevin sounded so concerned. Part of Brian wanted to just break down a little. To just fold up and tell it all. But the biggest part of him wished Kevin would leave well enough alone. He didn’t want to answer questions. Didn’t want to stand here and be interrogated.

 

As if he sensed Brian’s growing panic, AJ flashed another grin. “He hasn’t been alone.” He said cheerfully. “I was down there picking on him today.”

 

“You?” The word was said with so much surprise that AJ bristled a little. Seeing it, Kevin quickly raised a hand. “Relax, AJ. I’m just surprised that it was you, not Nick.”

 

Nick? Confused, Brian looked over to where Nick stood. It hit him then that Nick must not have told them all about their breakup. Man. Oh, man. “Nick and I aren’t together.” The words poured from him before he even realized he was going to say them.

 

“What?” Kevin exclaimed loudly.

 

Instinctively Brian cringed. He couldn’t help it. God, please don’t let Kevin start yelling. He didn’t know if he could handle that. The trembling started again, down in his stomach, spreading up to his hands. He brought his hands up, tucking them under his arms. Panic had him looking around again for an exit.

 

“I’m sorry, Bri.” All sympathy now, Kevin reached a hand out, obviously intending to offer comfort. All Brian could think was that he had to get away before Kevin touched him. Not Kevin. No, please no. He had to get away!

 

Yet again he was saved by AJ. To both his and Kevin’s surprise, AJ suddenly leaned between them, pushing Kevin’s hand out of the way, then he bent to the ground and picked something up. “There it is!” he exclaimed, sticking his hand in his pocket. He stood back up with a grin. “Sorry, I found my earring back. I lost it earlier.”

 

The insane urge to chuckle built in Brian’s chest. He held his lips together. If he started to laugh now, he knew it would come out hysterical and there was no telling when he’d be able to stop.

 

Apparently Kevin wasn’t falling for this. “What the hell is going on?” He demanded suddenly in his booming voice. “Look, AJ, I’m trying to talk to Brian right now. So why don’t you just back off for a little bit. I don’t know what you think you’re doing but you’re annoying the shit out of me.”

 

No! He couldn’t make AJ leave. That thought had Brian’s panic climbing up another notch. His eyes darted toward AJ. When he saw the stubborn look on AJ’s face he almost sighed out loud. AJ wouldn’t leave him. Thank God.

 

“No, you don’t know, Kevin. I suggest you remember that and back off.”

 

“He’s my cousin and if I want to talk to him I’m damn well going to talk to him!”

 

Brian jumped when Kevin shouted. The trembles spread through his whole body now. He had to leave. Had to go, now. Now!

 

This time rescue came from a surprise direction. It was Nick who suddenly stepped between them all, facing Kevin. “Can’t you see you’re upsetting Brian?” He snapped at Kevin. It was a surprise to see the youngest of them all stand up to Kevin, the one man that Nick usually wouldn’t dare to shout at. “Obviously this isn’t something he wants to discuss and if he did, he’d come find you. You know that’s how he is. Now why don’t you back off and let the poor guy out of here instead of backing him against a wall and shouting?”

 

The opening that Nick created wasn’t missed by Brian. He didn’t hesitate to dart out, heading straight for the door. He needed to get out of there. Needed to step away from them all. But before he even reached the door, one of their security poked his head in. “Time to head to the show, boys.” He called out. The show? Oh...God, the show.

 

Someone stepped up beside Brian, close but not touching him. “You don’t have to go. You can still say you’re sick.” A warm voice murmured.

 

Drawing strength from AJ’s closeness, Brian shook his head. He forced the panic back inch by precious inch. “No.” he whispered back. “No. I’m going.” The next part was by far one of the hardest things that Brian had ever done in his life. “Don’t leave me alone?” he asked.

 

AJ smile was so warm Brian felt it before he turned to see it. “Not for a single minute.” AJ promised.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

How on earth he got through the show that night, Brian would never know. It was all so much a haze. Almost like that hazy feeling that comes with morphine. The world was there, moving around him, but it was all blurred and disjointed. He sang his lines and danced the steps and played a part. But he could barely remember a moment of it.

 

Yet even through it all he kept his distance. Not touching, no. With quick reflexes he always managed to avoid a touch, a brush of skin against skin, without ever breaking stride.

 

It wore on him. When he reached the hotel, he packed his bags mechanically. They were leaving on the busses that very night. He felt like he was sleepwalking. Maybe it was exhaustion. Maybe it was the fear; ever present in his mind. Maybe it was just that he had been through so much, physically and mentally over the past few days. But whatever it was, it had dulled his mind down to only its basic functions.

 

Once everything was packed he carried it all to the elevator, then down to his bus. Someone, he thought it was his security guard, took the bags to store them under the bus. Brian didn’t care. He just stepped inside and headed for the bunks with his little overnight bag. He needed to sleep. Needed to lie down for a while and stop feeling. Stop thinking. Memories were climbing up through the haze; he kept forcing them back down.

 

Exhaustion claimed him. Without even taking his overnight bag off his shoulder he climbed into his bunk. Earlier, AJ had offered for Brian to ride with him. This trip, AJ had the solo bus. Kevin and Howie shared one, and Brian and Nick shared this one. It had been set up that way because of their relationship and no one had got around to fixing that yet.

 

Lying in his sealed off bunk, Brian heard as Nick got on; heard as he settled into. The bus started, soon moving its way down the road. All the while Brian lay there, staring at the curtain that separated his bunk from the rest of the bus until his eyes started to drift shut. He couldn’t hold back anymore. He’d been without sleep for far too long. His body dragged him down, claiming the sleep it so desperately needed.

 

Almost instantly the images came. Just like they always did whenever he slept. Smell came first. The scent of the bathroom. That stale urine smell that’s in all public restrooms. Next was sound. The footsteps behind him that he hadn’t heard that night. The voice that suddenly rang in his ear. “My oh my, I think I’m really lucky tonight!”

 

Brian shuddered in his sleep and rolled over, but he couldn’t escape. The smell of alcohol on this man’s breath, this man that looked so like Nick. His rough hand around Brian’s neck, on his chin, being slammed against the wall. The first kiss, the bite on his lips that had made him bleed. He could taste the coppery taste of his own blood.

 

No, no, he didn’t want to dream about this! No, no! But it was gripping him, forcing him to relive it over and over. His body’s exhaustion was keeping him down in sleep when normally he would have been on his feet by now, doing anything to escape. He was stuck here.

 

For the millionth time he heard that voice again. “Oh, what do we have here?” He felt the hand on his cock, felt it swelling at the touch. Shame curled inside of him, both remembered shame and new shame. How could he have responded? God, he didn’t want to live this again. Didn’t want to dream of it as he had every time he’d tried to sleep.

 

He fought with every part of his mind to wake up as the dream carried on. As he remembered turning to face the wall. Remembered the pain, pain worse than anything he’d ever felt, as the man took from him something he would never get back and had condemned him to a life of hell.

 

With a gut wrenching scream, Brian tore himself up out of the dream, falling from his bunk and hitting the floor.

 

A hand touched him, a voice saying something, but when Brian looked up all he saw was a tall figure, blond hair falling forward over his face, and that hand was touching him. Still half in the dream, he screamed again and scrambled back. “No, please!” he shrieked. Not again, no! He couldn’t live through it again!

 

“Brian!”

 

That voice cut through his panic like a knife. Sweet mother of God, that was Nick. He’d just shrieked at Nick. To his surprise, Brian felt tears well up in his eyes.

 

Crouching down, Nick kept back a safe distance, but his eyes were full of concern. “Bri, honey, what is it? What’s going on?”

 

There was love and caring in Nick’s words and on his face, but Brian could barely separate Nick from the man in his nightmare. The man who had taken his life from him. He had to get out of here. Had to get away.

 

In that one instant, one thing shot through Brian’s mind. One name. There was somewhere he could go. Someone he could rely on to help him through this. It went against everything in him to admit that he needed help, but Brian knew that right now he needed it more than anything. Even if it didn’t make sense, there was only one person he needed.

 

“Stop the bus.” He whispered. “I need you to stop the bus for me.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Half asleep, AJ rolled over in his bunk and sighed. He’d been trying to drift off since he’d climbed on the bus but to no avail. His brain just wouldn’t shut down. He was worried about Brian. All evening long Brian had looked….well, stoned was almost the word for it. He looked higher than a kite. Not all the way there inside his eyes.

 

Was the show too much for him? Was he ok, over on his bus?

 

Those thoughts plagued him. So lost in them was he that when the bus stopped, he barely even noticed it. That is, until he heard the door to his bus open. Curious, AJ poked his head out of the bunk curtain, looking down the hall. What he saw surprised him.

 

A very shaky looking Brian was walking up the steps, arms wrapped around his waist, overnight bag slung over his shoulder. To put it mildly, he looked like shit. It seemed like hell was in his eyes. Every inch of him was trembling.

 

Shakily, Brian walked toward the bunks. Then he simply stopped. The bus roared back to life, then pulled back out on to the road. Still Brian stood there.

 

Finally, he moved a little, shifting his feet. “I...” His voice cracked on that one word. Brian closed his eyes for a second, cleared his throat, and tried again. “I had a nightmare.” He paused, swallowing. “I didn’t know what else to do. Can I…can I sleep here?”

 

Emotion clogged AJ’s throat. God, his poor little angel. So lost and broken and unsure of what to do. AJ didn’t even have to think. He pulled the curtain open before scooting back into the bunk and lifting the blankets out of the way. There was barely a hesitation before Brian was putting his bag on the ground and climbing inside.

 

It was Brian who took the edge of the curtain and pulled it closed. He lay there as AJ threw the blankets over them both. He rolled so that he was facing AJ, his back to the curtain. Hesitantly he reached out, finding AJ’s hand and lightly lacing their fingers together. AJ thanked the dark so that Brian didn’t see the tears that built in his eyes.

 

“Thanks.” Brian whispered into the darkness.

 

AJ squeezed his hand softly. “Always.”

 

He said nothing else. Together, the two men slowly drifted off to sleep.