“Male, 24 years, suspected overdose by heroin. Already injected a dose of naxolon upon arrival, breathing is low but regular.”
Other orders were been shouted as the paramedics wheeled the unconscious man inside the emergency room while doctors and nurses spun in action. It was the brink of the dawn and aside from drunk and a car crash some hours ago, the hospital had been quiet until that moment.
In the waiting room, at the receptionist desk, Kevin was filling out the discharges papers for Nick, who was getting his crutches and then would wait for him to get the car and bring him home. Home meant the Littrell’s house but he was sure that Nick would have wanted to stay there no matter what.
“I don’t care how many steps there are, Brian needs me. And I can use those – he gestured at the metal crutches. - as a weapon in case that bastard shows up once again.”
Kevin had smiled, a fake smile because what he was supposed to tell him? “Oh, look, they won’t help you since Brian had already offered himself.” Hell would break if he said those words. Especially, since he knew deep inside that he had been wrong. Wrong about letting Brian have his way, wrong about not saying anything to Aj... many more reasons that he didn’t want to think over. At the end, he had been wrong but still didn’t know how to make it right.
With a glance, he looked over the clock, its fingers pointing that it was almost morning. Had Brian been able to sneak out without being noticed? No, what his heart wanted more than everything was that Aj had been able to stop Brian from his suicide. Because that was it was: not an unselfish act, not something done because of love. It was suicide. Maybe Zach wouldn’t kill him or hurt him but he could and he would everything that made Brian the man he was. Or had been.
He had faith in Aj. Faith that he would caught something off in Brian, faith that he would try to pry the truth. Faith that he would talk him out and do something so finally that psychopath would be stopped. Never had they to deal with something like that; sure they had their fair amount of crazy fans, girls that were everywhere they went and they would hide in their dressing room. But this? This was beyond being plain crazy and it seemed like it was a never ending madness. The rape itself had been something unconceivable but then it had been a downhill road, from guys being killed only because they looked like Brian but didn’t want to be him, to physically harming everyone who stood between Zach and Brian.
And now... now that man was going to have what he had searched only because Brian was that unselfish to sacrifice himself for Aj’s sake.
Sighing, he was about to walk back into Nick’s room when he almost collided with paramedics brining a patient. Curiosity won over him and he looked briefly at that unconscious man: the brown eyes, the hair, the tattoos. Time frozen as his mind put all of those pieces together.
Aj.
He missed a second as he stood there unmoving, listening to the words paramedics and doctors were exchanging as they gathered around his friend: overdose, head injury... worst scenario started to form inside his mind as he started to run behind them, don’t caring about people he bummed against.
“Sir, you can’t enter here.” Arms grabbed him, preventing to go further. He tried to fight them, objecting that he had to since it was one of his friends, one of his brothers lying in that stretcher. But they didn’t care, they didn’t seem to care. “Please, sir, I assure you we’re going to do all that we can but you can’t get in.”
That played the trick inside Kevin’s brain. He stopped struggling and let the nurse guiding him back in the waiting room. He knew there were things he had to do: calls had to be made, Nick was still waiting for him in his room or in the hallway, that he couldn’t remember anymore. As he stayed there, praying for Aj, the only other thought running inside him was about Brian. What happened to him? Why wasn’t with Aj?
___________________
How long they had been walking, Brian didn’t know. Not that it mattered, anyway. Hours, minutes or seconds were all the same, endlessly frozen in the moment he had left Alex alone waiting for help. What kind of lover was he? What kind of person was he, leaving someone he loved in those conditions? What if help didn’t come in time? What if they didn’t find the place? Alex would die and it would be only his fault, his damned fault because he had been terrified.
Who he was kidding? Everything had been his fault, how foolish he had been when he started to believe that, maybe, he couldn’t fathom how sick and twisted Zach was! Would everything had been different if he had gone to the police that fateful night when everything had started? If he had reported Zach, if he had gone to the hospital instead that thinking he could solve all on his own, maybe, maybe, they wouldn’t be in that situation: Alex on the ground probably dying and him walking away with his attacker.
A hand was secured tightly around his wrist, tugging and dragging him through the woods. Bones and muscles were aching, exhaustion was written all over his face and still Zach didn’t stop or didn’t seem to want to. Who cared, anyway? Once here and then, the thought about trying to run away from him had flashed inside his mind but he desisted, knowing perfectly that he wasn’t in shape to run faster than Zach.
“We’re almost here, love. You’re gonna love our house.”
Brian couldn’t help the chill running down his spine. Their house. One word and one pronoun numbed him to his very core, reminding him that there wasn’t tuning back and neither a shining knight ready to save him. Just a glance around him and he noticed that they’re far away from his parent’s house and, even if they were, that place was so hidden between trees that it could take days and days before someone would be able to find him. He just had to pray that he could stay sane throughout everything Zach would done to him, even if a small part of himself was hoping that now he was in his hands, Zach would be just happy with it.
Other time passed, and still Brian didn’t know how long, but suddenly a house appeared in front of his eyes. It wasn’t big, just a cottage on two floors, and seemed really old, although none of the windows had broken glasses.
“I’ve tried to clean it a little but I didn’t add anything. I don’t think we’re gonna stay here much long. – Zach said as he dragged Brian inside the house. – As soon as that rebel is out of the hospital, he will come after you.”
A snort and Brian could easily see the lips curving in an evil smile. “Please, don’t...” He tried to say, suddenly very aware that Alex would never be safe enough no matter what. It didn’t matter to him, as long as he had breath inside him he would beg and plead until he was sure that his sacrifice had been worth. A hand came upon his cheek, slowly stroking it in what seemed a caress. “Oh, my love, I won’t hurt him. That’s why we will move. I was thinking about Europe...” the words were soon muffled in Brian’s ears as he took a glance at the inside of the house: a dining room next to the living room, empty rooms saved from a couch, a table and two chairs. On his left, Brian could see the kitchen, the only room that seemed normal. Then, they were upstairs, where there was their room.
“This is the only room I wanted to be perfect for you.” Zach said before opening the room and turning on the lights. Brian felt sick as soon as he realized what “perfect” meant for Zach: all over the walls, poster and images and pictures of himself were mocking him with smiles and laughter that didn’t belong to him anymore. A double size bed stood in the center of the room, blue satin sheets that Brian immediately realized that wouldn’t warm him enough. But he preferred to stay cold forever if the alternative was to snuggle around Zach.
“Don’t you love it?” Zach asked him, his eyes shining with a light that seemed maniacally.
“Of course.” Brian managed to say, hoping that the bile stayed inside his throat.
“I know it! See, he loves it! And you didn’t believe me!” Zach shouted, looking behind Brian’s head like he was talking to someone. Brian spun around, afraid that someone else was in the house but, aside from another poster hung on the door, the room was empty. Fear crept inside his veins, mixing itself with blood. Gosh, they had thought that Zach could be sick but not on that level!
“Do... do you think I can sleep a little?” He asked, hoping to have some times alone. Please, please, please... He needed to break down, he needed some time to just let his mind going over and over those little moments between him and Alex. Those were the only things he could hold onto.
Zach looked at him with uncertainty written in his eyes. Now that he had Brian all for himself, he didn’t have to rush for fear that someone could take him away. And Brian’s health and wellbeing was more important that something that could be done in the afternoon.
“I can make you something to eat too.” Zach offered, wanting to show to Brian how a good lover he could be.
“Maybe when I wake up?” Brian suggested, trying not to flinch as Zach seemed to be closer and closer.
“I’m very good with cooking. You’ve lost some weight and I don’t like you all bones.” Before Brian could reply, Zach’s arms were wound around his waist and lips were tracing his own, seeking an entrance. Closing his eyes, Brian let him do whatever he wanted, trying not to think of the last kiss he had received. He didn’t want that memory being tainted by Zach so he just locked everything inside, every emotions or feelings. Zach deepened the kiss, a moan escaping from his mouth as hands started to make their way inside Brian’s shirt.
“Gosh, that was amazing.” Brian could only nod, still with his eyes closed. He didn’t hear Zach leaving, neither the sound of the door being locked from the outside. He stumbled over the bed, lying himself down and curling up as tight as he could, shivers and trembles ragging with the force of his emotions, finally free to come out and scream.
He let his mind wondering through memories, bringing him back at those nights were nightmares would force him out of his sleep and he would find Alex near him. Even if it wasn’t a physical feeling, Brian could feel those fingers entwined with his, feel the love spreading inside him like a warm blanket. And somewhere, Alex’s voice rose up. It’s okay, you’re okay. Here, listen to my heartbeat and just try to calm down. If you hear my voice, it means that you’re okay.
Far away Brian went down within his mind, darkness finally claiming him. This time, sleeping didn’t frighten him. How could it when his reality was already a nightmare? So he did and his last thought was a prayer, let Alex be okay.
_______________________
Hours had passed and still no one had news about Aj. A private waiting room had been set up for them: Howie was sitting on the couch, his hands clasped together and his lips moving in a silent prayer; Kevin was pacing back and forth, his cell phone secured tightly inside his hand like it could bring good news. Or bad. The other one in the room was Nick, an unreadable expression on his face as he sat on the wheelchair. Jackie and Harold were back at the house with Micheal, trying to find anything that could lead to where was Brian.
Kevin knew, yes, Kevin knew where Brian could be but still he hadn’t a chance to talk about it. Not when Aj was inside some sterile room fighting to stay alive. Gosh, if something bad happened to Aj it would have been all of his fault. He should have talked before, he should have tried to talk Brian out of this stupid idea or at least talked to Micheal and had Brian under surveillance. Now, because of him, his cousin was somewhere with the man that had been a nightmare for the start while Aj was in hospital.
A click resonated in the room, snapping everyone out of their trances: four heads turned towards the source of that noise, originated by the door being opened and the figure of a doctor appearing and standing on the doorway. The green scrub was clean and that brought relief in everyone: clean meant no blood and that meant something good. Still, the expression beneath the mask of the same pale shade wasn’t pleased.
“How is he?” Howie asked, standing up.
“He’s alive and stable.” The doctor replied directly and straightforward.
A sigh came from Nick’s lips, tears of happiness welled up and made his eyes clearer than normal. He knew that there would be more coming but just the mere fact that Jay was alive meant that he was fighting. Fighting for Brian, because there was no doubt that he would be the first to go out there and track down that little piece of bastard.
“He’s not out of woods yet. The drug is still in his system and there is still the chance of complications. We’re going to keep him sedated until he’s completely clean and because his body is still too weak to fight off the craving afterwards.”
“How long?” Kevin asked.
“We’ll see. For sure, seventy-two hours then we’re going to make some tests and we’ll decide.”
“When they brought him... they were talking about head injury.” Kevin kept on, since he had been the only one present when it happened.
“X rays didn’t show any kind of fractures of the skull and there isn’t any internal bleeding. Until Mr. McLean won’t be awake, we can’t exclude any kind of brain damage even if he had been awake for two minutes back in the room. He was coherent about his name and age, until he started getting worked up about someone.”
“Brian.” Everyone breathed out.
“Yes. I can’t let him or any of you with him now, we still have some tests to do. But as soon as we settle him in a room, I can let one person at time.” With that last information, the doctor left the room, leaving the guys thinking about what had been said as the weight of what happened downed down on them.
Silence flickered between the three of them but it was literally tearing apart Kevin. This wasn’t supposed to happen, the whole point of Brian making a deal with that psychopath was to avoid that something like that would happen. Instead, it happened and, worse than everything, Brian was somewhere with that man not knowing how Aj was doing or if someone had found him. Knowing him, Kevin would bet that this last thing was what was hurting him the most. If there was a way to let him know...
“We’re gonna find Brian.” The optimistic hope had been delivered with a sad smile by Howie, a hand placed on his shoulder as a sign of comfort. To Kevin, instead, that hand weighted more than it should, burning on the fact that this... this could had been avoidable.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen.” Only a whisper, yes, ‘cause it was something that he didn’t want to say out loud but escaped nonetheless. Maybe, it had been his consciousness that forced the words out of his lips, in spite of the need to clean itself for something that could have been prevented.
Howie didn’t seem to notice the implied note, just agreeing with the unfairness of all. Blame and guilty was being shared by everyone, not only the oldest one: each of them held a fault, whether it was because they underestimated the gravity or thought that a bunch of policemen could be enough to scare Zach or because they had brought, unintentionally, the danger so close that no one had fathom how worse things could go.
Frustrated, most towards himself than any else, Kevin shrieked away from Howie, hands coming over to shield his eyes from everyone, because he didn’t want to see their expressions as he said those words. “It wasn’t part of the deal.”
“Deal? What kind of deal?” Howie’s question mixed with Nick’s one, still both of them shocked by the revelation.
“A deal that Brian made with Zach. He was going to resign himself over him on the condition that he would spare Aj’s life, since he was the next target.”
For the second time in a matter of minutes, silence became the only actor in the room as both Howie and Nick registered those words inside their minds. Implications mixed themselves with what had already happened and a sudden truth made itself visible. But the anger started to eat Howie’s blood since it was his best friend that was lying in a hospital bed and whose lover was nowhere to be found. And hell have mercy on them if Aj would wake up and they couldn’t say to him anything about Brian.
“Wait a minute... you knew and didn’t tell anything at all to Aj?”
Kevin felt the blown of accusation, his shoulders sagged a little under that hit. “I made a promise to Brian.” It wasn’t a defense, just a statement of truth. But it made Howie’s anger boiled even more.
“Let me get this straight... Brian told you that he was going to do the most stupid thing in the world and not only you didn’t stop him but you agreed about keeping it as a secret?”
“You know that no one is able to stop him when he’s set on something!”
“Then you should have told us!”
“I know it wasn’t the best idea in the world but you didn’t have to see him. Put yourself in his shoes just for one second, try to imagine everything that he had been through. And then try to tell me if you wouldn’t have done the same thing.”
Howie’s gaze didn’t diminish in determination and anger. Nerves had been ragged in everyone, weeks of worry and fears were taking its definitive toll. In one way or another, each of them had the chance to snap or to just break down. Now, in that moment, it was Howie’s turn to let everything out in the open. “I’m not discussing Brian’s decision. It’s Brian, for God’s sake! It’s you that I’m discussing and the fact that you helped him in getting out from the hospital!”
Rage was boiling off from every inch of skin. Kevin didn’t need this, didn’t need to hear what his conscience had tried over and over to tell him. “I won’t defend myself, Howie. I did what I thought was right. Brian wouldn’t have listened to me, I... couldn’t stop him in doing something that I would have done myself. And, most important, I couldn’t betray his trust. Do you know how much it had cost him to ask help from someone who wasn’t Aj?”
“What good had come from this? Aj is in hospital. He could have died! He still can. And don’t get me started about what he’s going to do once he will wake up and find out about Brian.” The last was the big fear holding his heart in such a tight grip. No one in that room had come to realize how much Aj depended on Brian, how much he had built his strength around Brian’s wellbeing and safety. For once, he hadn’t been the little man lost in drugs and problems, no. Just for once, he had been the protector, the one who could take Brian’s weight and hold for as long Brian needed. Gosh, this could end badly if they didn’t find Brian in time. Howie didn’t want to know how bad this failure, the fact that he couldn’t protect his lover, could harm his friend.
Kevin let himself fall onto a chair. As he was about to shout something, Nick jumped in the conversation, his first words since the beginning. “Fighting isn’t helping, guys. Howie, you’re right but so is Kevin. – he held up a finger before Howie could have the chance to reply. – I know you’re worried about Aj but do you honestly think that he wouldn’t be hurt if we have known the truth? Look at me, look at what Zach is able to do. If we had step in, who knows how many more people would be in the hospital? If that had happened, we would have lost Brian.” The implications didn’t get lost and brought the guys back in that day when they found out how bad things had been. That day when Nick had realized that even heroes could lose their strength and found themselves actually thinking about giving up.
“So, if Aj’s hurt is all his fault?” Howie asked being sarcastic.
“No, of course not! But he was doing the same thing Brian was going to do. Protect the one he loves.”
“So, if Brian would have come to you, you would have done the same thing Kevin had done, Nick?”
“Yes. Even if I think it’s a terrible idea, I would have respected Brian’s decision.” Nick answered frustrated. Why couldn’t Howie see the other side of the story? Yes, Kevin had been wrong but he had given to Brian something that had been taken away from the first day and that was control. Control about his steps, control about a situation that revolved around him and only him could stop it.
Howie shook his head. He couldn’t believe that Nick, out of all people, would agree to what Kevin had done. Still slightly furious, he stormed off, not wanting to say things he would regret later, when he would be much more calm and lucid. He only turned around one last time. “Kevin, just hope that we’re gonna find Brian before Aj is awake because I won’t stand in the way after he’ll learn the truth.”
________________________
Night was already up by the time Brian woke up again. First thing he noticed, even if he had still his eyes closed, was that someone was on the bed. It wasn’t only a physical presence, a body that weighted on the bed. The scariest thing was the hot breath on his neck, the hand running slowly its fingers up and down his neck and face. The most frightening thing was the words spoken.
“Look at him. See how beautiful he is... how I can resist? He looks like an angel, I bet that his wings are hidden behind his back.”
The feelings of the hands disappeared but soon were replaced by lips. With a steel control, Brian managed to stay still, even though every part of him recoiled by that feeling... his hands curled up in fists so tight that hurt, nails sinking deep in the skin that it was a wonder that blood hasn’t already leak out. Think about Alex, think about Alex. The little chanting that helped him before now was losing its effects. He was being tainted once again, he wouldn’t ever be able to let Aj close to him after this. Yes, because you’re hoping that you’re going to be able to escape?
“Now he’s mine. I’ve waited for so long and now he’s finally mine.”
The lips now were on his right shoulder, tracing circles and leaving wet traces. The more he concentrated on those little details the more he was feeling sick. Then, out of blue, a sharp pain travelled from that shoulder, leaving him hopeless as a moan of pain escaped from his lips.
“Oh baby, I’m waking you, aren’t I?”
The lips didn’t move from their place, just stopped enough to speak and then they were back on the sore spot, doing things Brian didn’t even want to acknowledge. The pain was enough to distract his mind and if normally he would have tried everything to just not feeling it, now he preferred to be surrounded by those waves instead than...
“This would tell everyone that you’re mine. They’ll see it and they’ll know that they can’t touch you.”
But pain was being a bitch, it didn’t last long, only subsided in a faint whimper here and there, leaving all places empty for other sensations. The whimper didn’t help him, nothing, even screams of disgust, would have made Zach thinking that he wasn’t liking this.
“Oh, you’re loving what I’m doing, don’t you? You love being marked. My little angel.”
Panic kicked in, forcing its way like a black poison. He forced it back from where it came from, knowing that if he panicked, no one would ever be able to help him.
Think, that was what he needed to. Thinking of a way to endure that torture without going crazy, thinking of a way to gain Zach’s trust enough so he could have a little more freedom. Now that he was lucid, he remembered something from the night before, the click of a door that meant that Zach had closed him inside. Why would he do that it was no wonder: just like any treasure, Zach wanted to close him off in fear that he would run away. He couldn’t help the shudder as he realized what he needed to do to distract Zach enough so he couldn’t remember to lock him in. Alex, please, forgive me.
Alex. For a while, he had been able to avoid thinking about him, thinking about the last time he had seen him and torturing himself with every worst scenario his mind came up with. He had to know. No, no, he needed to know if he was alright, if someone had found him. Only knowing he could let this rest in peace and tried to fight. Because, if Alex wasn’t alright or, heaven forbidden, he couldn’t be saved, what was the point in fighting?
Determination took the place of the fear and the panic. He opened his eyes and found himself staring directly into Zach’s eyes.
“There you are, my angel.”
“Zach.” Brian breathed out, hoping that Zach would take the little tremor as a pleasure hint instead than the real emotion behind it. Fear.
The guy kept looking at him and for a moment Brian didn’t know what to think or act.
“He loves me! See?”
There he was again, speaking with what seemed no one. His head was turned at his right, eyes moving like there were more than one person speaking at him.
“No, no... He will! – Suddenly, Zach’s attention was back to Brian. – Tell them! Tell them the truth! They don’t believe me! You have to tell them!” Shouting as the grip around Brian’s waist became tight, too tight almost to the point of breaking the bone beneath the skin.
The hell with being calm! Thoughts couldn’t be stopped as Brian looked at the transformation upon Zach’s face. In a matter of seconds, the soft and almost puppy’s eyes had darkened and turned into something really, really close to madness. “Who are they, Zach?” He dared to ask.
“Don’t you see them? They’re here! - Was Zach’s reply, the arm pointing behind his back. – They don’t want us to be together! I took care of them and now they just want to make fun of me! Say it, Brian! Say that you love me!”
Took care of them? Zach’s words resonating inside Brian’s brain. Oh God... They must be the guys Zach had killed before. More scared than before, Brian realized that the only thing that would assure him safety was to play along with everything Zach was saying. Which meant admitting that he loved him and him only. Swallowing fears and disgust down so far that he hoped they would never come up again and willing the trembles to stop, he raised up his other hand, the one not held by Zach, and placed it on the man’s cheek. “Of course I love you. I’m here, don’t I?” He professed, acting like he was really in love with that man.
Silence between his words and Zach’s reply, a thick absence of noise that could mean many things. Had he been persuasive enough that not only his kidnapper but even those ghosts had believed him?
“You’re here, yes... but... - Zach’s words were punctured here and there by looks that Brian now understood that he was listening to the ghost’s. He could see the blue turning into ice as flames of rage burned around the iris of his eyes. – They’re saying that it’s only a plan. You don’t love me. You wanted only to save that rebel.”
“No, no, no! You know that I’m here because I want to be with you!”
“Prove it. Prove that you love me.” Zach demanded in a firm voice, opening a black hole beneath Brian’s body. He knew that it was bound to happen, he knew that, soon or later, he would be forced to have some intimate contacts with that man and made him believe that he liked them. He thought he could do it, he thought that he could erase everything shared between him and Alex or him and Nick and just be a blank board where Zach could draw whatever he wanted. But now, now that it was time to do that practically, Brian found that he didn’t have the strength to hide himself. Stranger was the fact that he was feeling like he was deliberately betraying Alex’s love and trust. Even if they shared only a kiss, there had been many and many other little things that made him fall in love with his friend. How could he stand there and pretend to love someone else? His heart was weeping for that, screaming and trying to prevent all of this, but his mind and logic won the argument: he wasn’t betraying Alex, he was only protecting him. If he could do that, if only he could prove to Zach that he was being true saying that he loved him... well, then maybe there would be a slightly chance to obtain something, freedom or a possibility to get information about Alex’s conditions.
No wasting more time, Brian did something that had been able to do with another man. Memories of the first kiss with Nick flooded through him, melting into the one of his last kiss with Alex. He remembered what he had done that made Alex so happy, the tender brushing followed by the teasing and the tasting. He remembered the rush of emotions taking control, sweeping away any fears and the little tingle of pleasure starting to stir inside him. None of that happened in that moment, because that wasn’t a kiss between two lovers. No, it was only a mechanically act, like a kiss between two actors following a script.
When it was finally over, Brian tried to move away but the firm grip around his wrist didn’t let him. Soon, the other arm circled his shoulders, pulling him closer to Zach in what was meant to be an embrace. “You love me. - Zach whispered. – See, he loves me.”
Cradled like that, rocked by a mantra whispered in a monotone and yet maniacal voice, his mind took refuge in happy memories as darkness took him under once again.
___________________________________
Morning light, even if it was a dull grey, made its way through the curtains, seeping some warmth on the still sleeping figure crutched in some way on the couch. Since two nights before, no one but Brian’s parents had left the hospital: Nick had decided to delay his release, since it would be difficult to keep going back and forth from the hospital with the crutches and had been able to be put in the same room with Aj, stressing the fact that it would be easier to protect them if they were all in the same room. Because news about Nick’s accident had already been leaked in the media, soon followed by the one about Aj being admitted and Brian’s absence. Because of that, journalists had surrounded the hospital since the day before, forcing Kevin to make a general statement along with a plea to give them some kind of privacy and leaving a promise to clean everything as soon as the worst would be over.
Over. Nick doubted that it would be ever over, even if Jay would wake up without any damage. The doctor was optimistic about that outcome, seeing the progress he had made in those two days, so optimistic that he was about to lower the dosage of the sedative and try to wake him up. Oh, that was good news but still no one of them was looking forward to that moment. Because, as soon as he would be lucid enough, he would ask them about Brian. And what were they supposed to say? No one knew where he was and, if they had left some traces, those had been cancelled by the rain that had started to pour down only an hour after Aj had been saved by the paramedics. Even Micheal was starting to lose hope: after forty - eight hours, the chance to find them were getting smaller and smaller; for all they could know, Zach could probably had lied when he said that he had a house near the Littrell’s. Truth was that they could be far away and with no traces or proof...
“Stop it, Nick. – Kevin said, for he had been awake for minutes and had seen what kind of thoughts could been running inside the younger’s mind just looking at him. – We’ll get Brian back.”
“How?” Nick asked him, showing for the first time the desperation he didn’t let out the other day.
“We’ll find something. Some way... any way...” Kevin trailed off, turning his head towards the window: black and grey clouds were melting together as thunders preannounced another storm coming their way.
“Even... – Nick swallowed hard before keeping up. - ... even if we get Brian, it would be too late.”
Kevin tilted his head towards the friend. “What do you mean?”
“Two days. This is the third that Brian has to stay with that crazy man. Have you thought about what he’s been doing to him?”
“Don’t.” Kevin hissed at him.
“It’s happening, whether you like it or not.”
“Don’t, okay? We’re gonna get Brian and...”
“And what? Do you think he will be the same Brian he was before disappearing? You don’t know what Zach has in mind. For all that we know, he could already have killed him.”
Kevin shook his head. “His main was to have Brian. He won’t kill him.”
“Even if Brian would say no to him? – Nick replied. – Brian isn’t experienced. When we were together, we never got at that level. Some kissing, some touches but he never let me go all the way. Do you honestly think that Zach would have the same gentleness at the first no?”
“Nick, I... we can’t. We can’t think or waste energy thinking about what he’s doing to him. I know but I won’t allow you or someone to talk about it. When we’ll get Brian, we’ll deal all the consequences. Until that moment, we only need to focus on where he could be and how to save him.”
He didn’t mean to come out that harsh and mean but that was a so delicate matter that even his conscience didn’t want to acknowledge. It would only made everything more difficult, too hard to focus on the tiny hope that they could have a sane Brian back instead than... no, no, those images had to stay away from him. From him, from Nick’s... from everyone.
Nick was about to say something, to reply that maybe there would be nothing left in Brian to save because he knew the man, hell, it had been his lover for over six months... a lot of people would might made fun of a guy who was still virgin at that age but Brian didn’t care. He didn’t give a damn about what people would think of him if they knew, it mattered only his feelings and... gosh, if they could knew how hard he had fought his feelings! If they knew, they would understand how he was afraid to give himself in something only for sex. And now... now, every first experiences had been taken away from him. And who knew how much more. So he was about to explain this to Kevin, the older man’s phone started to ring.
At first, Kevin wanted to let it ring. It had been like that since the day before, ringing and ringing for all the journalists that wanted a scoop or new information. Then, suddenly coming from nowhere, Kevin sensed something. He didn’t know what that was, but it was enough to grab to cell and accept the call. Never had he imagined to hear the voice on the other end.
_____________________
The morning rolled by and all Brian wanted to do was staying asleep. Strange was that need because only days before he avoided that act, terrified about what would wait for him as soon as his eyes were closed. Now, tables were turned because the nightmare had become real and sleep, being oblivious to the reality, was his only chance to pretend that he was still with Aj, being held and feeling safe and protected.
As reality made itself known, Brian took notice of the absence of Zach near him. After debating if he should open his eyes or keep up his own façade, he decided that a little information was vital in that context. That he did, squinting his eyes to let them adjust to the change of light and relief swept through him as he realized that he was alone. Probably still locked in but, still, he could have some time alone instead than trying to fake a love that was hate instead.
Never had he hated someone before as he did now for Zach. Yes, the guy was sick, if the hearing voices was a sign, but that couldn’t be an alibi for everything he had done, not only to him. There were families that were crying and grieving a loved one killed for unknown reason, there was a guy who was probably fighting for survival only because he wanted to protect his lover. His friends... his friends had to stand and witness helplessly everything, knowing that no matter how much they tried to help him, nothing could stop that madness.
He had to do something. If he stayed with Zach, he would probably end up killing himself and that... no, he wouldn’t let him win this game. He needed to escape and if he had to act a little bit more... well, there wasn’t nothing left in what Zach could do to him. After being raped, what was a kiss or a caress?
Trying to stand up, he took a look around the room: over the posters, he made out a window that could be useful, although the mere thought of jumping down from it was making him nauseous. On the other side of the room, another door was set between posters and images. A bathroom. Slowly, Brian made his way towards it, silently happy that he could at least wash away the feeling of being touched again by that man. His happiness didn’t falter even when he noticed that there was no shower, he just managed to get rid of most of the dirty by using the sink. Just doing that made him feel more lucid and coherent, realizing that tears and self pity wouldn’t help him to get out of that situation.
When he got back in the room, Zach was there, a tray on the bed with a mug and a plate full of pancakes. His stomach reacted at the smell but Brian managed to get it under control; even if he didn’t want it, food meant energy and he needed plenty of them.
“You’re awake!” Zach greeted him, meeting him halfway and leaving a small kiss on the lips. Brian gathered that he was in a good mood, not talking to someone who wasn’t there but speaking about their plans about the future, where to go or where not to go. Brian let him talk, only adding a little comment when the man was looking at him with helpful eyes, like he needed his approval. As he sipped the warm milk, his mind tried to come up with a plan: if he played his cards right, he could obtain the chance to call Kevin and have news about Alex. Don’t go there, he reminded to himself, don’t lose yourself in the memories. But lost in his thoughts, he didn’t expect to feel a finger on his lips and the instinctual flinch couldn’t be stopped that time.
“You’ve got some milk, I want only to clean you. – was Zach’s justification. – What did that rebel do to you? You’re scared of being touch, my love.”
As much as Brian wanted to scream that he was only his fault, that he was the one hurting him and not Alex, he just lowered his eyes and mumbled an apology. The other hand was pressed on his chin and forced him to raise his eyes again as the finger stopped between the closed lips.
“Open those lips, Bri.”
Brian had to obey, even though it made him turned his stomach around, a sick feeling that was mixing together fear, disgust and the soar taste of milk.
“That’s it. Gosh, your lips are so delicious, you know? I can only imagine how they would feel around other parts. And you would do it, right? Because you love this, you love me and you want to show me how much you love me.”
A nod, nothing more Brian could manage to show as he swallowed down tears and tears that were burning his eyes.
“And I love you, Brian. I’m the only one for you.”
“If you love me like you’re telling me, will you do something for me?” Brian asked as soon as the finger left his mouth.
Zach’s eyes became bigger with surprise and shock. “Everything. Ask me and I will do it!”
He chose carefully the words to use. One wrong meaning and Zach would be angry, which is something he had to avoid. He wasn’t scared about being pouched or hit, he was more scared about his threaten to use his mouth on other parts. “I need to call Kevin. They’re probably searching for me so I have to make sure that they know that this is what I want. That I want to stay with you. Will you let me?”
Zach seemed uncertain, doubting if it was only a trick or if he could trust him.
“I won’t tell him where we are or where we going. But we will never be able to stay together if they still think that you’re hurting me. And you aren’t, right?”
A flash of indignation showed into Zach’s eyes and Brian knew he had hit the perfect spot. He leaned over, a hand on his cheek in a slow motion. “I’ve to tell him that you’re not hurting me, that you love me.”
Zach nodded, getting up and moving around the room. Then, he reached out to Brian a cell phone. “Only five minutes or they can trace down where we are.” He didn’t get out of the room, just stayed far enough to give him some kind of privacy but still close so he could jump in if he was saying something he didn’t like.
Brian dialed Kevin’s number and then waited, praying that he would answer even if he didn’t know the number. Were the news already out? Their fans were like the CIA, always knowing where and what happened to them... oh dear God, what if they knew what happened to him to begin with? Before he could answer his own question, the reassuring and deep voice of his cousin stopped everything. “Kevin?”
“Brian, is that you?”
“Yes. Listen, I don’t have much more time so let me talk. – He didn’t know how much Zach was going to let him talk and he had to be sure to say some things, especially the one about Aj. - I’m okay, Zach isn’t hurting me and he won’t do it. He loves me.” He spitted out those last words, nearly choked himself like they were acid burning his tongue.
“Just... just tell me where are you. We’re gonna get you.”
This was becoming more difficult than Brian had thought it would be. How he wanted to yell and scream where he thought he was, how he wanted to be saved but as much as he wanted to be everywhere than there, he knew that he couldn’t let Zach hurt someone else. “I don’t want to go back. I belong here.” Even to himself, that voice pronouncing those words didn’t sound too firm. Didn’t sound him at all.
“What the hell are you saying? Is here, isn’t he? That’s the reason why you’re saying this crap?”
“It’s not crap, Kevin. I’m not coming back and I don’t need to be saved or rescued. I’m where I’m supposed to be and with who I’m supposed to be. Zach loves me and...”
Kevin didn’t let him finish, the anger boiled because of those words that he knew were only a pale shadow of a tentative to protect them. “Don’t you dare saying, Brian Thomas! I know better so don’t try to make me a fool! Don’t tell me that you’re enjoying staying with that sick man or that you don’t give a shit about Aj! I won’t let you lie like that!”
Alex. “Is he okay?” Brian whispered, hoping that Zach didn’t hear the concerning note in his note.
“He’s alive. – That word made Brian feel lightheaded, overflowed by relief. Alex was okay, alive. Help had come. Thank God. - They’ve kept him sedated during those days because they wanted to make sure that his body could handle the drug’s effect. Please, Brian. You know that the only thing that matters to him is you being at his side. Don’t let me be the one telling that you’re still with that man.”
That plead broke some of Brian’s control. How he wanted to be there, Kevin must know that. Kevin must know that through all he wanted to be on Alex’s side, just like he had been during those weeks. “I can’t. Please, Kevin...”
“Please what? Let you keep doing this thing? No, Brian. I didn’t stop you when I should have, I won’t do another time a mistake like that.”
“I’m doing what I feel is right. – Brian replied back while looking around for Zach. But the man was in a corner, near the bathroom door and he looked like he was arguing with his voices so he wasn’t paying attention to him. – Kevin, just have faith in me, okay? Stay with Alex and take care of him, please.”
“Bri...”
“Just believe in me. And... – Brian let out a shuddering breath as he felt his eyes welling up. – Tell Alex to not forget what I said to him. I mean every word.”
Oh, Brian didn’t want to close in that way the phone call. But seeing Zach so engrossed in a conversation with people who weren’t there, it gave him the little chance that he was waiting and hoping: a chance for escape. Now, more than before, he had to try to run away and be at Alex’s side. Be away from that sick man before he forced him to do something it would shatter him forever. Because it wouldn’t be like the rape, this time he would have to fake and to say words he didn’t even want to link with Zach. Words that made him think another man, a man that now was in hospital because of him.
Trying to make less noises possible, he put the cell phone inside his pocket and then started to walk towards the door, hoping that Zach had left it open. The man was still shouting and moving hands in big gestures, words about trusting in him and in his promises about love and faith. A chill ran down his spine but didn’t stop him: between him and the door there was only a small distance and still Zach had the back turned against him. He grabbed the handle and turned it down, relief hit him as the door started to open. He could do it, he could escape without being noticed! He opened it enough for him to slip in, he wasn’t sure if it would make some noises or not and he didn’t want to find out.
Soon, he was in the hallway, at the end of it he could make out the stairs. Was it safe for him to run or he had to keep the slow pace? Either of them had valid points but there was still the chance that he could get caught before he was out of that house.
Every decision flew out when he heard the door slamming behind him, followed by angry words. “Where are you going? They were right, you only want to play me!”
Brian started to run, any cautions couldn’t surpass the fear of what Zach could do to him if he got him. But he didn’t realize how weak still he was: he could see the stairs getting closer but he could hear the footsteps behind him getting closer too.
It happened so fast that he didn’t even get a chance to prevent it. A hand came to grasp his ankle, making him fall and hit his head against the edge of the wooden hand rail. Pain exploded as the world started to swim around him, waves of blackness calling him like a siren’s song. He felt his head hit a second time on the hard pavement while hands were everywhere, pain rising up after their passage.
I didn’t want to hurt you but you leave me no choice. Why can’t you see that I’m the one for you? Why can’t you love me? But you’re gonna stay with me, I’m making you love me.
The pain became too much to bear, those words were promises of a nightmare becoming too real. He had failed. He had a chance and had failed it. As he lost himself into oblivion, Brian knew that he was going to pay for it. So, he just hoped to never wake up again.