He made his way through the crowd, only stopped once to ask someone where the hell was the bathroom. He knew he could have waited till they got to the hotel but he was pretty damn sure that, by the time they reached for it, he would have a bitter headache on top of everything.

 

 

Like a mad boyfriend.

 

 

The beer he drank had done nothing about erasing the fight between him and Nick. He still had in his ears the coldness in Nick’s voice when he left him or the hurt in those blue eyes.

 

 

Gosh, why it was so hard for him?

 

 

He pushed the door and found out with a relief that nobody was in there. He didn’t feel up to stand with a stranger while doing his stuff.

 

 

So, he went to the last stall, thinking that, if someone walked in, he was out of sight and barely noticed.

 

 

Lost in his thought, he didn’t hear the door slamming loud or the click of locking.

 

 

“My oh my, I think I’m really lucky tonight!”

 

 

Brian snapped back his head, startled by the sudden voice behind his back. More shocking was the man he came to face, it was like standing in front of a mirror imagine of Nick: the same golden blond hair, in a short cut with some hair falling down on his eyes, a blue piercing that shook him to the core because there was no love in those pools, only a dark light. He was tall, much taller than him, and, more important, he was so much bigger.

 

 

“I’ve finished.” Brian said, hoping to escape without so much trouble. He tried to get past the man but he blocked him, placing himself between the stall and the only exit. He couldn’t escape, neither ran because there’s no way he couldn’t get far enough before being caught by the man.

 

 

“Well, good to hear because...” the man leave out the rest, stepping a lot more closer. Brian backed off but he was soon feeling the cold wall. “... I’m not even started with you.”

 

 

Fear started to creep up on Brian, sweat started to run through his skin.

 

 

He didn’t like that situation.

 

 

The man was only a few inch away from him, yet he could smell the alcohol coming from him.

 

 

“I like you.” The man added. “And I know I could give you a hell of ride.”

 

 

Brian swallowed the feared lump in his throat. A hand came upon his chin so he turned quick his head.

 

 

Maybe, that wasn’t the right thing to do.

 

 

Another hand came upon him, around his neck, in a death grip. He couldn’t breathe, let alone scream for help. Tears welled up in his eyes as he fought the thought that this would be his first time... no, no, no... he had to fight back!

 

 

“Ple... please...”

 

 

“You shouldn’t fight back. I was thinking about being good but you haven’t left me with other choice than that.” The drunk breath was closer to his ear, made him like puking because of that bad smell but the hand around his neck prevented him to do. He tried to free himself, struggling to relieve the pressure but it was like trying to move a dead weight.

 

 

He felt himself slammed back against the wall, the hard tile knocked him down for a few second as he felt a burning pain in his back and in his head.

 

 

“I don’t want to hear anything, am I clear little one?” the man said before nibbling his ear so hard that Brian feared that he was going to lose it.

 

 

When Brian didn’t answer, though, a hard kick connected with his stomach; he doubled over in pain, letting out a muffled moan.

 

 

He felt himself being lift up, again slammed against the wall. “Am I clear?”

 

 

“Y...yes.” he stuttered, knowing that, if he didn’t respond, the man would beat him up until he would spoke up.

 

 

There wasn’t nothing he could do to prevent what was coming. He knew he couldn’t fight back, for the man much stronger than him, so he just let him do whatever he wanted.

 

 

No begging, no pleading... nothing could help him.

 

 

“That’s good, my blond.” A hand caressed him on the cheek, soon followed by the wet feeling of lips trailed his way down to his lips. They demanded an opening but Brian refused. He had kissed only one man before, his boyfriend, and kisses were supposed to be between lovers. He couldn’t give in with such an intimate sharing, he didn’t want to lose the only thing he could really protect.

 

 

The man bite down his lips, so hard that he could taste his own blood. Still, he refused and that got the man angrier.

 

 

“You asked for it.”

 

 

In a quick move, the man’s hands found their way to his jeans, undoing the buttons and tore them down along with his pants.

 

 

Tears of shame dropped down from Brian’s eyes, despite he clutched them shout down. If he didn’t see, he could pretend that it wasn’t happening to him. like it was only a brutal nightmare and, when he would wake up, he would find himself in the loving arms of his Nick, with soothing words of love.

 

 

“Oh, what do we have here?” the strange voice pulled him back from his pleasant thoughts, along with the feeling of an intruder’s hand on his cock. “You’re much bigger than what I thought.” He added with a smirk, stroking him forcefully.

 

 

Behind closed eyes, Brian was trying with all his might to repress the natural respond that his body was having to the touch. Still, it was an unwanted touch. His disgust towards himself grown hand in hand with the growth of his manhood but he couldn’t do nothing, how in hell someone could fight against his own reactions?

 

 

“Face the wall.”

 

 

The order came straightforward and Brian, unwillingly, did what he was told. Slowly, he turned and braced himself for what was coming. Without a notice, the man slammed himself inside him and soon all Brian could think was the intense and burning pain. It was like someone was trying to rip him apart, forcing his way through him and tearing everything that came in his way. He could feel the slick sensation of blood sliding off, gosh, it hurt so bad!

 

 

Every thrust inflicted him a deeper and unbearable pain but nothing could came closer to the mental anguish he was going through: he was so weak that he couldn’t protect himself from a drunk man, he felt like a failure of a man. Was he different from a whore? No, there wasn’t any difference at all.

 

 

As he became more and more numb at the pain being inflicted, he felt himself dirtier and dirtier.

 

 

Lost, Brian didn’t noticed when the man came inside him.

 

 

Or when he left him all alone in that bathroom, slumped over the floor like a ragged doll.

 

 

He only remembered one thing, the last thing the man whispered him before leaving him shivering and silently crying over what he had lost that night.

 

 

“That was so fun. Prepare yourself because I will be back for more. I know who you are.”    

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

The agonizing screaming was what made AJ woke up abruptly, not really coherent this time.

 

 

“What the hell was that?” he asked himself while trying to recollect the past hours. He remembered going out with Howie and Brian... Brian!

 

 

Oh freaking sweet Jesus!

 

 

He shot up,

 

 

“No... please... PLEASE!”

 

 

Brian was shouting at top of his lungs, trashing around to escape the man that was holding him down. AJ didn’t waste any time, he rolled on his side and tried to calm his friend.

 

 

“Bri, calm down... it’s only a nightmare...” he soothed, brushing the already damp hair off of his forehead. It was a gentle gesture, brought up by the need of give comfort, but it caused more fear in Brian, for he thought that his attacker had come back for more, just like he promised in that small bathroom. Reality and unconscious were mixing together, creating a new world around the broken man, a world where he wasn’t safe, no hiding from the blackness that threatened to swallow him in a black hole; no running from demons that haunted him with that hallow voice.

 

 

His eyes snapped open and started looking around fearfully, looking for the monster.

 

 

“Bri, I’m Alex. You’re safe, no one will hurt you.” AJ kept saying like a mantra, hoping to get through the man. He didn’t know what to do, he never found himself in that kind of situation where he was actually the one giving out help and comfort. Usually, it was the other way round, especially with Brian.

 

 

Finally Brian seemed to focus more on the person lying beside him: no blond hair, no blue eyes. There stood only his Alex, with brown eyes so full of worry and concern. “Alex?” he asked, wanting to know if that was really true, that he was safe.

 

 

“Yeah, that’s me.” AJ replied with softness and watched as Brian’s face relaxed a little bit while tears, still hiding behind the eyelids, slide down his face. As gently as AJ might be, he wiped away those clear water drops from his strained cheek. “It’s okay. I’m here. You can let it go.”

 

 

Brian shook his head. “No...” he murmured, shaken from the memories that still lingered inside his mind. He curled up on himself, a tight ball where Alex couldn’t see how much ashamed he was of himself, how much dirty he had become. How much brokenness lied inside him, where blood barely crept his way through veins and arteries.

 

 

AJ tried to reach for Brian for he just wanted to hold him and make all the pain away. He just wanted to see that marvelous smile that seemed to light up the room everywhere Brian went, heard that crystalline laughter that lifted him up without even trying.

 

 

Brian was a happy and cheerful guy, those were the things AJ loved most. Not anymore, he thought sadly. The light in those cerulean eyes was gone and he feared it was gone forever.

 

 

“I can tell Kevin you’re not feeling well.”

 

 

Nothing came from the man beside him.

 

 

Only forced breaths, which were quietly scaring him.

 

 

“Bri, please.”

 

 

Suddenly, Brian turned and crawled beside him, burying his head in the warm embrace. He didn’t know why, he couldn’t think of someone touching him but within AJ’s arms he felt safe.

 

 

Protected.

 

 

Loved.

 

 

And he needed that. He needed to feel surrounded by love, something familiar that couldn’t harm him.

 

 

AJ, relieved by that, tightened his grip and put his arms around Brian’s waist, holding him close.

 

 

“It’s going to be okay, baby.” He whispered, kissing the top of Brian’s head.

 

 

For long moments, the only sounds audible in the room were the heart wrenching sobs. But, as time passed, those started to slow down until they were only a random cry.

 

 

Brian picked up his face. “Sorry... I...” he said raspily, feeling so exhausted even though if he just wake up.

 

 

AJ placed a finger on his lips, silencing him. “No problem.” He added, a smile on his face. “I’ve been told I got good shoulder to cry on.”

 

 

Brian couldn’t help the little chuckle. “You’re only a little hard. Only skin and bones.”

 

 

“Oh God help me! Nick’s blondeness has caught you! Why did you think they call me Bone?”

 

 

Brian shrugged his shoulder. “I don’t really want to know!” Then, he retried himself from the embrace, sitting up on the bed.

 

 

“What do you want to do?” AJ asked him, propping himself up.

 

 

“A shower.” Brian replied immediately with a shudder. There was an aching all over himself, it urged him to scratch himself raw, like really pulling his skin that made him feel so dirty.

 

 

“I understand.” AJ reassured him. “It’s perfectly normal. While you’re in I’ll order us something to eat. Do you want something special?”

 

 

“No... I’m not much hungry. But thanks.”

 

 

AJ arched his brows, worry was all over his face as he watched Brian disappearing inside the bathroom.

 

 

He just had to make sure to look after Brian for the next days, he knew how easy was to fall inside a dysfunctional vortex and he would prevent it if he could.

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

AJ was busying himself while waiting for Brian, still closed in the bathroom. From time to time he would get closer to the door and tended his ear, afraid of hearing only silence. But every time he heard the sound of the shower running and he let out a breath full of relief. He didn’t think that Brian could do something dangerous, like trying to kill himself, he wasn’t that type of guy but still what had happened could change someone totally.

 

 

He folded all Brian’s clothes before putting them inside his bag. He was just trying to help and the automatic task allowed his mind to go over all the things he had to do.

 

 

First, he had to convince Brian to let them cancel the concert and postpone it in the next days; he wasn’t sure Brian was up to stand in front a million screaming girls, dancing like it was a normal day.

 

 

But one thing he knew was that Brian was one of the most stubborn people he ever met. More stubborn than him, which was something very rare to find. If Brian made his mind on something, well, nothing and no one would be able to made him dropped off.

 

 

That though led him to find the perfect excuse to tell the others. Well, he could say that Brian got sick last night, something mild like food poising or a stomach bug. That could explain why Brian would be a lot of time in the bathroom and why he was eating lesser than normal.

 

 

A loud knock on the front door of the room brought him back from his thoughts.

 

 

“AJ! I know you are there so let me in!”

 

 

Nick. The only person he didn’t want Brian to see.

 

 

“Check to myself. Try to find out why Brian is so afraid of Nick.” he thought while hurrying to the door before Brian would be out.

 

 

He yanked the door open and stood on the doorframe, not letting Nick inside. He could sense his anger radiating and he wouldn’t let him near Brian if he didn’t calm down

 

 

“What do you want?”

 

 

“My boyfriend. Last time I checked he was still mine.”

 

 

“Look, he’s still sleeping so why don’t you come back when you grow some heart?”

 

 

“I believe that problems between Brian and me aren’t yours too.”

 

 

“In fact, I’m staying out of it. But he’s sleeping so... come back later.” AJ said, trying to shut the door closed but Nick put his foot and prevented it.

 

 

“No, this has to be cleared before going on stage.”

 

 

Before AJ could do something, a little voice spoke behind him.

 

 

“Nick is right.” Brian said, appearing from the bedroom. “Alex, can you leave us alone? I- I need to talk to Nick.” he added, not really looking anywhere but on the floor.

 

 

AJ got closer, wanting to be sure that that was what he really wanted to do but then he remember how Brian didn’t want to be touched right then. So he stopped. “You sure?” simply asked, not bothered by the angry stare he got from Nick. Brian was his main concern and he didn’t give a damn if the younger was pissed off. In total honesty, AJ didn’t want to leave Brian alone with Nick, knowing how bad Nick could get if he was angry and mad and he wasn’t sure how much strength Brian held to stand up for himself or to defend himself.

 

 

So he wished for Brian to say no, that he wasn’t sure and he indeed wanted him by his side.

 

 

A little yet still sad smile curved Brian’s lips. “I’m sure. You don’t have to worry.”

 

 

“I will be in the other room if you ever need me.” AJ replied; then he turned to Nick. “And Nicker, if I ever hear you scream at Brian, you bet I will be here to kick your ass. He doesn’t need that right now.”

 

 

Brian shot him a quick glance, but he was quite relieved about that comment, even if he couldn’t explain why. But there was so much confusion in his mind that explanations seemed to be only a wishful thinking.

 

 

“So... care to explain why you are here and not with me?” Nick demanded once AJ was out of the room, arms crossed over his chest and that dead set in his eyes told Brian how much his lover was mad. He shouldn’t had left without a little note but last night... well, he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do the right thing. And he knew that Nick would be much more understanding if he told him what happened but he already decided that that was out of question, nobody but AJ would ever know what was done.

 

 

Still, he didn’t want to fight with Nick. No when he needed just support and comfort. But... no, breaking up with Nick was the only thing he could do to prevent his lover to get hurt. He couldn’t give him what he needed and it was much better if they parted instead of barely surviving in a relationship already dead.

 

 

With that goal in his mind, Brian took every inch of strength he could find in his soul, repeating at himself that soon he would be able to hide away from everyone.

 

 

“I’m sorry.” He apologized. “I-I got sick last night so Alex helped me.” Well, that wasn’t really a lie… Alex helped him even though it wasn’t because he was throwing up like the little girl of “The Exorcist”.

 

 

Nick’s features softened a bit hearing that: if Brian was sick then there weren’t doubts that he didn’t cheat on him with Jay. Still, there was something he couldn’t explain. “Why did you take all of your things?”

 

 

That was the hard part. Brian couldn’t tell him the truth, no freaking way. “I was afraid you... you had left me and I didn’t want to... You were so mad and disappointed that I thought it was better for me to not be there when you would come back.”

 

 

“Left you? Why in the hell?” Nick screamed, fury flaming in his eyes. Brian flickered, terror in his veins about the outcome of that conversation. In other situation, he would fight back with equal fury, their fights were always heated up and he knew that, if they had took up the ultimate step in their relationship, their make-up would be as much passionately. Sadly, Brian thought, he would never find out.  

 

 

“Please... Nicky... let me finish...” he whispered, hoping that fear wasn’t clear in his tone.

 

 

Nick stared at the guy, noticing for the first time his appearance: that man in front of him wasn’t his Brian, no, his Brian couldn’t be that small looking man, wrapping himself tight around the oversized sweater he wore. His Brian would never beg him in that way, like a child afraid of what punishment his dad had in store for whatever he had done.

 

 

He mentally cursed himself, his anger suddenly left him as he realized how wrong he was. He had thought that Brian had cheated on him, the shock of coming back and found out that his lover wasn’t there and none of his things... yes, he was mad at the phone with AJ but the anger hide the hurt and the heartache. That and the fact that he tended to act by instinct, not thinking before about the consequences of his words, that had driven him to pick up his phone.

 

 

Nick really cared about Brian; he wasn’t sure that what he felt for the sandy - blonde haired was indeed love but he knew it was something he never felt for anybody before and he was sure it wasn’t only lust. That’s why he was so hurt the night before because he thought that Brian knew him better than that. Or, maybe, he realized that he never shown how much he care for his boyfriend.

 

 

“I’m so sorry, Nicky. I know I’m being hard to deal with and... I shouldn’t be afraid of you. But that wasn’t ever the problem. It was me.”

 

 

“That’s not true, Bri. I should have been more understanding.”

 

 

Brian, hearing those sincere words, wanted to crawl inside his lover’s arms and to forget all the previous happening. But, along with that, came the fear, he didn’t want Nick to get near him, afraid that he might caught what had happened to him, afraid he would become dirty as much as he was now. No, he couldn’t let it happen!

 

 

Still, Brian took two steps ahead him, fighting the urge to go back in the bathroom and let Alex deal with everyone. But that would be letting that man win over him another time and he wouldn’t give him that pleasure.

 

 

He stopped when he was close to Nick, not enough to touch and be touched but enough to hear the steady beat of Nick’s heart, a sound that lulled him to sleep so many nights.

 

 

“Nicky... I’m... I’ve thought about it. I love you, you’re my best friend but... but right now I’m not... I can’t stay with you. We aren’t happy, I can’t make you happy and I can’t keep hurting you denying you to share love. I want you to be happy, even if it’s without me.”

 

 

Nick looked at him completely shocked. “You... you’re breaking up with me?” he couldn’t believe it! How in the world they’ve came to that point? In a matter of moments, Brian had gone from being afraid that he left him to be the one who was leaving.

 

 

Brian nodded, not trusting his voice.

 

 

“Why?” Nick asked. “If it’s because you’re not ready, I will wait. It doesn’t matter, baby.”

 

 

Seeing Nick trying to get closer, Brian turned around and went to the large window. “Do you remember when we got together, Nick?”

 

 

Nick, despite the seriousness of the situation, couldn’t help but smile at the memory. “Of course.”

 

 

“And do you remember what we agreed?”

 

 

A frown appeared on Nick’s forehead as he tried to remember the conversation part of that day. He only remembered how wonderful it was kissing Brian and held him while dancing under the moonlight.

 

 

“We decided that our friendship would be more important than everything else and, if things will go bad for us, we would have stopped before ruined it.” Brian answered. He looked in the window, observing as recognition hit Nick. He didn’t forget. “You’re my best friend, Nick. I can’t lose you.”

 

 

“You won’t lose me, Bri.”

 

 

“That’s why I’m letting you go.”

 

 

Nick wanted to fight back but there was so much sadness and pain in Brian’s eyes reflected on the window that that he couldn’t bring it up. Something was holding Brian back but he couldn’t pinpoint what.

 

 

“Are you in love with Jay?” Nick blurted out the first thing that came in mind.

 

 

Brian turned around in a spin, eyes big and his mouth open wide as he stared in bewilderment. Did Nick really think that? But, as he thought more, maybe that could be the perfect excuse for him... surely, he couldn’t tell the truth, that would be bad. But then... he couldn’t even phantom being with someone, even though Alex was the only one he let touch him.

 

 

Hell, he didn’t know what to do with himself, he felt like being caught in the eye of a hurricane.

 

 

No, he couldn’t put Alex between him and Nick.

 

 

“No!” he exclaimed. “I’m not in love with Alex, he’s just a friend.”

 

 

“So why? I promise you that I won’t pressure!”

 

 

“It’s not that... please, Nick. just trust me when I say that you’ll be better without me.” Brian pleaded him, feeling close to tears. “Please...”

 

 

Nick couldn’t bear with that hurt, Brian sounded so broken and he was so helpless because he didn’t know how to help him. If breaking up meant to less the pain, then he would do it.

 

 

“Okay, Bri.” Nick agreed. “Even if I’m not happy and I still think that there are other ways to solve our problem, I will give you all the time you need. I’ll wait for you, still. ‘Cause I’m not giving you up.”

 

 

And with that, Nick walked out the room before he started to beg Brian to rethink his decision. And with the heavy truth in his heart that, this time, he couldn’t help his best friend and lover.

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

Brian didn’t know how much time had passed from the moment he saw Nick going out. He simply stood there, staring at the closed door, wanting more than anything to just run for him and tell him that he wasn’t really thinking straight.

 

 

“Bri?” a voice behind him called, the raspy tone told him that it was Alex. He heard footstep coming forward him and he fought back the fear and the panic. “It’s only Alex.” he repeated mentally, erasing the little voice that was screaming for danger. “Everything’s okay?”

 

 

How could he ask him that? No, nothing was right and he feared that they would never be.

 

 

There was nothing left for him to hold on to, neither his faith was a relief.

 

 

Why did it happen to him? Why did he have to give up something that he treasured so bad?

 

 

“I broke up with Nick.” Brian answered flatly. He didn’t have any emotion left in him, just a numb feeling creeping up between the waves of pain.

 

 

AJ was shocked, beyond shock in total honesty. He didn’t see that coming, he always thought that Nick would be the one to end their relationship.

 

 

Remembering to not touch him, AJ got closer to Brian, who still stood in the center of the room with his fists clutched tight. “Why?”

 

 

A dry laugh was the only response Brian gave. He didn’t want to leave Nick but that was the right thing to do; he would only hurt him and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

 

 

“Is this really what you want?” AJ asked Brian, stunned about his decision. In part, yes, he was relieved because that meant that he could have a chance but, on the other hand, AJ knew that this wasn’t a logical decision, it was only dictated by what had happened and the need to protect himself.

 

 

“Bri, what do you want to do?”

 

 

“It doesn’t matter what I want, Alex.” Brian answered with a toneless and cold voice.

 

 

“Yes, it matters.” AJ bickered. “You’re hurting.”

 

 

“Really? And how you would know? You don’t know what I’m feeling right now so stop pretending to do!” Brian screamed, turning on his heels and storming out the living room to the bedroom.

 

 

“You’re right. I don’t know.” AJ replied, keeping his anger on a low level and following Brian. “So, tell me. You can’t hold it, it will only kill you. I’m here to help you, if you let me.”

 

 

“You really want to know what I want? I just want to scream ‘till I have no voice, I wanna break something and punch ‘till my hands bleed... most I just wanna crawl back to bed and hide forever! That’s what I want but you and me both know that I can’t do it! We have a tour to do and... people expect me to be the happy and the goofy one! Nobody expect me to be the moody one and if someone saw me right now, he would ask question and then... then everybody will know and I can’t... I can’t let it happen!”

 

 

Shame filled Brian, made his skin turned pale as he thought about it... he could feel the hands upon his skin, travelling up and down his arms before going... Through the tears, Brian could only choke back the screams. He knew what would happen if he spoke, if he let all the anguish out in the open. Alex would disappear in a blink and he didn’t want that to happen, he needed someone. “I can’t, Alex. I can’t let you know...” with that, he just slumped over the floor, every ounce of energy left had disappeared under the weight of his sorrow.

 

 

Tears started to pour down and every drop held the same amount of shame, pain, hatred and fears; soon, his whole body was wrecking with every tortured sob and Brian curled up tightly, wanting only to find a place where the pain would be numbed. Such a illusion...

 

 

He felt someone trying to hug him but he fought back, even if it was a weak struggle. So he surrendered, letting whoever was trying hold him.

 

 

“Please... Bri, let me help you.” The pleading voice came through his barricades, fighting his way above his cries. AJ was crying too, how couldn’t he when he was a witness of an agony and torture beyond belief? His own heart was breaking down with every sob erupted by the tiny man curled up in his arms, the man that has been his rock during his addiction and the recovery, the man he looked up every time he felt there was nowhere to run from his problems and demons. Now, the roles were reversed and AJ didn’t know if he was strong enough to mend the shattered man he loved so deeply.

 

 

But he would be damned if he let Brian alone, with no one to turn to and lost in his web of fear, panic and hurt.

 

 

Brian heard that, heard the love in that voice... oh, how much he wanted to give in, there was an image of safeness so appealing, it kept invading his mind with the promise of numbness. But he couldn’t handle it, there was so much inside his mind that his unconsciousness decided to retreat in a place where nobody could hurt him, where he couldn’t contaminate anyone.

 

 

“Nobody can.” Brian in a hoarse voice. “Not even you.”

 

 

And above the cries, above all, the silence after those words was louder that thousands words of comfort.