Brian looked his pancake like it was his worst enemy in the entire world. And sure it felt like it was, since at the mere sight of it, his stomach had begun to feel like it was on a rollercoaster. So he pushed away the plate and sat down on his bed, wondering what he should do.

 

What he was supposed to do.

 

Part of him wanted nothing more to hide and let Aj deal with everything and everyone. It was something that allured him so bad, never had he felt like he could lean on someone else and let himself be taken care of. Aj, even in a small part, understood what he was going through and knew that, right in that moment, he was so out of control and not totally himself. Even though knowing what happened, he didn’t run away but he put down his foot and tried to break down some of the walls he had built.

 

But the other part of him was pushing him back on his feet.

 

It was the same force that had helped him to be back from the surgery only six weeks after and to endure a tour when he should have been resting. He didn’t like when other people took control over him, telling him what he could or not do and, whenever it happened, he had proved them wrong: they said he couldn’t play like the others children because of his illness he would been weak, yet, after only a month, he was battling for a place in the soccer team. The coach of the basket team back in his high school told him that he couldn’t be part of the team because of his shortness, yet he had proved him that it didn’t matter height if you are determined and skilled.

 

Was this situation different form the past ones?

 

A little voice answered him that yes, it was different. The panic, the images that didn’t leave him alone even when he was alert and awake, that giant void inside him that seemed to grow bigger and bigger... never he had felt like that.

 

And that meant that he didn’t know how to deal with.

 

Brian brought his knees close to his chest, resting his forehead on them: he needed time and space, both things that he couldn’t have, not without telling the others why he need a break. Why he needed to be alone, even in those times he didn’t really need it.

 

Two weeks, fifteen days before their break for a week. Would he be able to keep it up and not freak out? Would he be able to pretend that everything was perfect? 

 

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a door opening and then closing and, even though he knew it was only Aj, his heartbeat started racing up and he started to sweat, battling the panic.

 

He looked up and saw his friend walking around the bed and observing the left over pancake.

 

“Don’t look me like that.” Warned Brian before Aj could open his mouth to comment.

 

“Like how?”

 

“I’m used to that look on Kevin’s face, the one that anticipate a lecture.”

 

“I wasn’t going to say anything like that!”

 

Brian frowned. “Weren’t you starting to say how I need to eat at least something?”

 

“It could it be something like that but it wasn’t going to be a lecture!”

 

“Kevin always says the same thing and no one believes him.”

 

“Are you saying that I’m like Kevin?”

 

“No, not at all – replied Brian, a little amused by the situation. Only Aj could make him feel like nothing was going and joke around. – You don’t have his terrible eyebrows. And they would look horrible on your face.”

 

“That’s what you get when you try to be all attentive! – Aj protested faking irritation. – I see now and God forbid me to worry about your sudden lack of hunger. If I remember correctly, you and Nick managed to eat a whole double family pizza!”

 

“I was young and really, really, immature.”

 

“Oh, ‘cause you’re now mature?”

 

A pillow against his face was the reply that Aj got it from his joke but, instead of being pissed off, he beamed like he had conquered the highest mountain in the world: making Brian laughed and acting like his old self, even though the smile on his face wasn’t his usual one.

 

Still, it was a small step towards the right direction.

 

“I’m not gonna be punished ‘cause I haven’t eaten, right?” Brian asked in a childish tone, battling his eyelashes.

 

That was normal for him, joking around. And that was what he needed. Feeling like that night didn’t happen, even though there was the pain of his back that kept reminding him why he was hurting or why he wasn’t eating or sleeping.

 

Aj sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. “No, you’re not in trouble. But you’ve gotta eat something if you want to be in shape for tonight.”

 

“I know. It’s just... – Brian looked around him, like the walls could tell him the right words to use to make Aj understand what he was feeling. But how he could do when he still didn’t have all the answers? – .. I’m just not too much hungry.”

 

“Okay, okay. So... what do you want to do now?”

 

“Alex, you don’t have to stay here with me. I’m sure you have better things to do than staying with me.”

 

A small laughter escaped Aj’s lips. “Really? Let’s see: Howie is too much hangover to be coherent, Kevin... hell, only you can really want and like spending time with him!”

 

“He’s my cousin.”

 

“Yeah, like we didn’t know. Really, Bri, I don’t have a lot to do in my room and the first interview is in the afternoon.”

 

“You sure? Cause I don’t...”

 

Aj blocked him before he could even finish that line. “If I heard you say that you don’t want to be a burden, I’m gonna kick your ass hard so you will remember it in the future.”

 

“Are you bullying me?”

 

“No, sir. I’m just setting down some rules. You aren’t a burden, Brian. I’m here because I want to be.” Aj had to restrain himself ‘cause all that he wanted to do was holding his hand, at least. Show him that kind of comfort that couldn’t be conveyed through words.

 

“You... you can.” Said Brian slowly, quite surprising himself.

 

At first, Aj didn’t know what Brian was talking about but then he followed his gaze onto their hands, so close on the blanket but yet so far away.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

A trembling nod. “You know what I’m feeling and... you can probably tell that I’m shaking inside but... I can’t be afraid of you, Alex. I shouldn’t feel like that and... you are right. It’s not my skin that it’s dirty, it’s all in my head.”

 

Words seemed so right but still Brian couldn’t move his fingers just that little to grasp Aj’s. The itching was starting all over again, trembles were just about to snap him inside that panic routine that had been with him since that night.

 

“Don’t push it, Brian. Just because you’ve understood that it’s more mental than physical that doesn’t mean you’re gonna get it over this soon.”

 

“I have to.”

 

“No, you don’t have to do anything unless it’s thinking about yourself for once. Screw what others people would think if you don’t let them touch you.”

 

“I’m not that strong, Alex. I’ve let you down in the past, I can’t do it another time.”

 

“Really, Brian, I’m this close to kick your ass another time.”

 

“I have this power. - Joked Brian, grinning. – And you have a short temper so it doesn’t count.”

 

“But I’ve been there, Brian. I’ve been in your shoes, wanting nothing more than be normal again, feeling like nothing had happened. But problems don’t vanish in the air only because you don’t want to face them. Yes, it’s simpler to just turn your back and go on like they don’t exist. But they always come back and I’ve learned it in the hard way.”

 

“I’m not turning away, Jay. I just... I don’t want let him win. He already shattered me but I won’t let him take my life. I won’t let a little incident dictate my life.”

 

Aj was a little shocked by the sudden change in Brian’s attitude, especially since just a little while before he had been so lost and broken.

 

But now here he was, showing that strength that Aj had always admired and envied, and determined to not crumpling down over something he didn’t have control. Something that he hadn’t yet truly accepted, since he hadn’t still admitted that it hadn’t been attacked or an accident.

 

So he chose the right words. “Brian, admitting that you aren’t okay doesn’t mean you’re letting him win. It means that you’re strong enough to face whatever it’s hurting you.”

 

Brian let those words sink in, knowing that held some kind of truth that right now he couldn’t grasp. They just didn’t felt right because, for all his life, he had learned to never shown weakness.

 

But there was Aj telling him that he had a right to be weak, a right to cry, be angry or just hide from everyone.

 

Whose voice he should listen to?

 

He didn’t know and, gosh, he was so tired! So suddenly, he felt like his body weighted more than it should.

 

“Tell me what to do, then.” He pleaded, a barely audible sounds because even talking required energies he didn’t possess.

 

He felt the bed shifting a little and he imagined that Aj had come closer.

 

“I don’t have all the answers, even though I would do anything to spare you from all this pain. – whispered Aj. – Maybe now you just have to focus on simple things, like sleeping, eating. Breathing.”

 

Sleep now seemed so tempting, the sweet song of a siren waiting only for him.

 

“Then... you just have to learn again how to feel a touch without being scared. It isn’t something that came easily and there would be a lot of times when you would be scared, no matter who the person is touching you.”

 

“Can I... can I try with you?” Brian asked.

 

A lump of different emotions blocked Aj’s response at first, humbled down by the amount of trust Brian was putting in his hands.

 

“Of course. – he finally replied. – But you have to let me help you, okay?”

 

Silence was the first reply Aj got after his words. The steady breathing made Aj believe that Brian had finally fell asleep, worn out from all the emotional rollercoaster of those last two days.

 

He was about to get up and get himself comfortable on the couch when he felt Brian’s hand landing over his, trembling fingers searching others steadier.

 

“I don’t know how.”

 

Aj tightened his grip, a little squeeze to lend some of his strength. “We’ll figure it out. Now sleep.”

 

And, for a while, Aj sat there on the bed, guarding over Brian’s sleep and never releasing their hands, knowing that, even though a small ray of light had shown itself, the storm had yet to show its destructive power.