For the first time, Brian woke up without screaming or feeling like someone was ripping him off in shreds. He had been so exhausted that even his mind didn’t have the energy to come up with a nightmare, whether it was about the rape or Zach killing one by one his friends.
As he lied down there, still with his eyes closed, he could sense that something had changed, especially between him and Aj. No, not Aj anymore. Alex. His Alex. The man that didn’t mind if he couldn’t give him back things natural in a couple. The man that had listened carefully to every demon still haunting his soul and decided that he didn’t mind and that he didn’t find them as disgusting as he felt.
He should have been happy instead he couldn’t help but worrying. Was he being selfish? Alex was the only thing he could rely on and the only one who could get him through every fall. But... as much as he wanted, he couldn’t give him back nearly half of the love and support he had received. Was he being selfish letting Alex closer when this could mean more harm? The true answer was that yes, he was being selfish because he didn’t even know what he was feeling about him or how much those emotions were linked because of what he was going through. He was taking and taking without giving back anything at all. How could it work once that everything would over? Or if it would be over. He was being selfish because, no matter how many wrong reasons he could come up with, he felt whole only when he was with Alex.
Opening his eyes, the first thing he could see was their hands still clasped together. He shifted a little, turning on his side so he could watch Alex sleeping. He wished he could dare to do something more, he wanted nothing more to be inside his arms, feeling protected and loved but just as the mere thought his body started to rebel against it, demanding a distance that was so painful for his soul. It wasn’t fair, no damned fair. He had given up everything, stripped down about everything he had known about himself and still... still he couldn’t find peace.
Still, he couldn’t help but blaming himself for something his mind knew he had no fault. He didn’t have sex with Zach only to regret it and saying around that it had been a rape; he didn’t help that crazy man to kill someone only because he couldn’t find a way to meet him once again. And, on top of that, he didn’t slip drugs inside Alex’s blood; he didn’t buy a hooker and then snapped pictures. He didn’t do anything and his mind knew that. It was his heart that was still bleeding for pains and heartaches that didn’t belong to him.
“I know what you are thinking. - The raspy comment drew Brian’s attention back to the present. – And I’m not letting you go away.”
“You don’t think about the consequences. Your rational part is blinded by love but love... love can’t heal everything. Love can’t protect you if Zach decides that you must die.” Brian himself was surprised by the lack of emotions showing in his voice. Everything inside him had been numbed or, maybe, he had used every tear that now he didn’t have anything left. Crying wasn’t the solution, crying wouldn’t convince Alex that it was a bad idea staying together with such an uncertain future ahead them. And, mostly, crying wouldn’t bring back that guy from death.
“Security can protect me, now that they know how bad the situation is. And love... you might be right, I can’t heal everything. Only you can heal some of your own wounds. But, love can help you.” Aj knew that Brian was going to fight him no matter what and he was prepared. Fighting Brian’s demons would help him to fight his own because he gave him something more important to focus on instead than swallowing inside waves of pity ‘cause he had screwed up his life once again. “Bri, I know you’re afraid. But I have faith in you.”
Faith. It was something Brian didn’t think about in a matter of days. He was lost; he had lost part of his solid faith because, whenever he thought, he couldn’t find any valid reasons why God would put him intentionally in a situation like that. He had always believed that everything he had been though in his life had happened for a reason. To learn a lesson so precious that words in the Bible couldn’t explain. But what good would come from this mess? Nothing.
“How can you have faith in me? - Brian asked, his eyes still locked on their hands tangled together: those fingers were like them, so strong when they were together, tightened so intricate that it was difficult to see where one or the other beginning. But still so fragile that even a simple fear could broke them apart. – How can you believe that everything will turn out okay? For me. For us.”
“I’m not going to say all over again all the reasons why I love you. Because, at the end, that’s why I have faith in you. I have faith in you because I love you. And I know that, deep inside, your faith is burning steadily. It’s now time to start to love yourself once again.”
“I don’t like myself very much right now. I look at the mirror and all I can see is everything I’m not anymore. And when I see what I’m now... it just makes me wanna to break it so I can’t see it. I wanna go back to myself but I don’t know if I can. If I would be ever able to be that man again.”
“Then you need to find another you.”
“How?”
“I don’t have all the answers. – Aj replied, shifting a little closer to Brian. He waited for a minute, to let Brian be comfortable in that position and giving him the freedom to scoot back if it was too much. But Brian stayed there, although the trembles through their fingers became more noticeable. – But I know the place where you are now. I’ve been there, even if for different reasons. Building up yourself won’t be something easy and it won’t happen overnight. Each day will be a new challenge but it will give you back a piece of the puzzle.”
“What if one is missing? What if he took away something that I can’t have back?”
Before Aj could answer him, ‘cause he kind of knew what Brian was referring to, a knock on the door pulled them from their position. Aj debated with himself if he should answer, since it would be probably Kevin to check on Brian. He looked over Brian and he saw his same uncertain written all over his face.
“I don’t wanna see anyone.” Brian whispered very quietly, his words leaking some of shame about what he let them saw, the bruises that spoke so loudly about his rape.
Another thing that Aj could relate to. “Ehi ehi. Now, you should know that no one is going to judge you. Or think less only because they saw.”
“They were shocked.”
“Not because of you but for you. - Aj replied. Still, he knew that this wasn’t going to pass through Brian’s skull. Brian was so wrapped about the conviction that everyone was disgusted by him that he couldn’t see past it neither he couldn’t catch the difference that they were angry and shocked about what had happened to him, the mere fact alone that he had been hurt in that way and still bore the signs. – Bri, if the situation was the opposite and one of them showed you bruises after being raped, would you think that they brought this upon themselves? Or would you be mad to the man that had hurt them?”
Brian smiled a little, understanding what Aj was saying. “Technically, I know that they would never be disgusted of me. – he shrugged his shoulders, calling himself a stupid for those thoughts. Inside his mind, they seemed so big and right but here, laying it out to Aj, they just seemed frail puppies. – I guess my fears are still having control of my brain. But it’s not Kevin and Nick that I’m worried about more... they weren’t the only ones in the room.”
“Management? Screw them! - Aj exclaimed, hoping to get a smile from Brian. – If they say just one word, I’m sure that Kevin would fire them. Or, I can always bite them.”
Brian grinned. “The old Aj is back.”
“Jay? I need to speak with you.” Nick’s voice came through the door after a second knock.
Aj tilted his head and asked silently to Brian what he wanted to do. The other man just snuggled over the blanket, pulling it over his head. “I’ll tell him that you’re sleeping.” Brian just nodded and slipped more under the blanket. No matter how many times he told himself that he was being silly about his fears, his shame still managed to take control, refusing to let anyone closer to him. Especially Nick... gosh, what the hell he was thinking about him? He had always been his hero but... what kind of hero let something like that happened to him?
Aj stepped out from the bed and padded to the door, opening a little enough for him to get out and then closing it behind his back. “What’s wrong?”
“Is Brian sleeping?”
“Yes. Do you need something?”
Nick ran a hand through his hair. “I did some researches. And it came out that there are some others cold case like that guy Zach had killed.”
Shock had Aj frozen on his feet, looking at Nick with mouth open. He did knew what it meant, he knew that it meant that others men, looking alike Brian, had been killed. And that was a frightened thought because it meant that Zach was more dangerous than what they had thought. “How many?”
“On my own, I found only one. But then I called Micheal and he’s on his way with another two. But he thinks that... that there could be more.”
“Shit. Holy shit.” Aj cursed, scratching his hands over the welts on his forearms.
“Yes. The one I’ve found had been missed for a month before he was found and... I couldn’t see all the photos because of the things he had done to him. This man is crazy.” Nick shuddered as the images he had tried to erase from his mind came up again.
“I think that crazy doesn’t cover perfectly.”
Nick looked at Aj, holding his gaze and looking more serious than Aj ever saw on the younger’s face. “Do you think that Brian needs to know? – He asked, lowering the voice like he was afraid that Brian could hear him. – I mean, it has been a rough morning and... I... it’s too much... I don’t know, this is gonna crush him hard.”
Bringing a hand over his eyes, Aj thought about it. He shared the same worries Nick had; this was something Brian didn’t need in that moment. He was still grieving that one innocent and now, with another, he didn’t know how he was going to react. It could be the last push to drag him under and make him giving up and yet, at the same time, it could be the thrust to make him react.
“He needs to know, Nick. - He breathed out. – As much as I want to shelter him, he has to be aware about the truth. It’s the only way he can fight it.”
“I don’t wanna see him more broken than he is already.”
“Nick, the only thing that could do him good is knowing that Zach is locked in a cell where he can’t harm him and the ones he love. Until then... we just have to be there for him.”
Nick sighed and then took a look at his watch. “Micheal is gonna be here any minutes. Brian would want to be there and he can help.”
“Okay, just call us when he’s here. I’m gonna talk to Brian and at least prepare him.” He didn’t wait for Nick to reply, he opened up the door and closed it behind him, debating how he should approach that topic with Brian. Turned out that he didn’t have to because, as soon as he turned towards the bed, he found himself staring at Brian’s face.
“Tell me it isn’t true. - Brian pleaded hoarsely, fists clutched tightly at his sides . – Please, tell me I heard it wrong. Tell me it’s just a sick joke. Please. I... I can’t...” The voice trailed off, lost in thoughts that seemed too bigger to grasp.
What could Aj say? He didn’t think that Brian would listen to their conversation, he hadn’t thought about this output. But, stripped down to the truth, even finding it out from him would have made a difference. So, he chooses to speak with acts instead than words: without giving Brian the time to stand back, he threw his arms around him, blocking him in a hug that meant to be a source of strength and comfort. He expected the itching breath and the struggling to get free so he soothed those fears with meaningless words. What he didn’t expect was the way Brian stopped struggling and just let himself be enveloped in the embrace. Aj found himself silently sighing with relief while tears of joy welled up inside his eyes: this was such a huge step for Brian, even if he didn’t realize yet.
Lost inside that warmth, Brian tried to center himself. There was no time for him to break down once again or to grieve other souls ripped away by the hand of a crazy mind. He could do that after they had spoken to Micheal and found a way to solve that case, everything that could protect and save Alex. That was the most important thing in that moment, the one thing that could help him to put aside every fears and every weakness.
When he was sure he could speak up without breaking in tears, he pulled from Aj’s arms. “I’m okay.”
“You sure?” Aj asked, looking at him skeptically. For anyone, it would seemed like that Brian was the same as always, the calm expression that masked under the turmoil he sensed when he hugged him. Somehow, in some ways, Brian had found some strength inside him.
“Would you be sure to be okay about hearing people being killed because of you?” Brian replied.
“Probably not. Just... just don’t push yourself. I will be there with you so, if you need to escape, just tell me and we’ll be out.”
Brian’s jaw hardened, set in a firm expression. “I can’t always run away when I don’t like what people are saying.”
This time, when Nick knocked at the door, there was no doubt in Brian. Still holding Aj’s hand, he started walking in the main room, ready to face another ditch in the road.
___________________
When he first met them, Micheal Loreil didn’t know that Brian and Nick were part of a successful and famous boy band. Music, to him, was still played by old vinyl and nothing made him more relaxed than the voice of the old buddy Frank Sinatra so, everything that was so in on the radio was still unknown to him. Nick, that day, was just one of those kids he had always had to watch halfheartedly, hating that there was nothing much for him to do than just send them home, the same place they were running away from. But Nick was different, and not only because, as he had learned after, he was famous. No, he was different because he had someone who cared enough for him to fly out in the middle of the night just to be sure that he was alright. To be more precise, he first met Brian through phone since the moment Nick had called him: he called to tell him when his plane would take off and when it was supposed to land; then he called when he was on his way to the station just to be sure that Nick was still there and not off to try to kill his mother. On the phone Brian seemed so mature that he thought that there was some mistake because the men that had entered in his office looked like he was much younger than Nick himself.
Micheal learned who they were the moment he went home to his wife and told her about what happened. He remembered Maria, his wife, showing him some pictures on a magazine and started a long rambling about how cute those Backstreet Boys were and how sad that someone young and truly a sweetheart as Nick had to go through something like that. He wouldn’t have thought it about anymore if, the day after, Brian called him to thank him for everything he had done for Nick the night before, which it hadn’t been that much, and asked him to check on Nick’s siblings those months when they would be abroad. When he asked for some explanations, Brian just told him that the Carter’s weren’t bad parents but that they’ve been blinded by all the amount of cash and fortune that Nick had brought when their band had started to get famous and popular.
From that awkward conversation, a bond was formed between him and Brian. A month later, the young man had started a program to help those kids who were in the same situation Nick was or in much worse conditions. After they had finished their tour in Europe, Brian and Nick held a benefit concert to raise money to keep up the program and only four months later he had finally managed to have them over to dinner, making his wife happier than he ever saw in the last years. Married for twenty years, they hadn’t be blessed with child and that was something that always broke his heart because his Maria was born to be a mother but fate and an illness had taken away from them that chance. Still, the woman he loved hadn’t lost her mother instincts and she quickly adopted those two kids as soon as they stepped inside their living room.
And, over the years, Brian and Nick had become like sons for them. It was always amusing to watch them interact in a place where they were two normal guys: they were crazy, always running and never stop for a second. The house was always much more silent once they were gone, back to tours or doing all those things that Brian had explained him once but still he couldn’t really fully comprehend because so far away from his life. Micheal was a simple man and the only contacts he had with the glamorous life had been the times he arrested some obnoxious pop stars that believed that the world revolved around them. But the things Brian had told him? Contracts that couldn’t be broken, obligations to perform even if they were sick and barely able to stand upright... he gained more respects for them and realized that they weren’t famous only because good looking. Behind their fame there were years and years of hard work. Maria would just cursed something in Italian, since her parents were from a little town in the South of Italy and had travelled in America to find a better life, and then forced the kids to eat plates of pasta before sending them to their rooms to rest.
It hadn’t been a surprise when, the year before, Brian and Nick had come to them as a couple. Maria had squealed like a little girl, professing that she knew all along and that it was time for them to accept their feelings for each other’s. Micheal couldn’t deny that they were cute together... because, they were! And they were happy and that was what mattered.
But everything changed the moment, some days before, when Nick called him asking for help because something had happened to Brian, something that bad that had forced the older to break up with the younger and retire in himself. Something bad that could cost his life.
Even though Nick hadn’t told him all the details, he already knew what happened. Having been a detective for all his life, that wasn’t the first case he had to work on but it was the first time something like that happened to someone close to him. Just like doctors couldn’t operate on parents, he knew he wouldn’t be unbiased by this case. Yet, he couldn’t pass along to some colleagues, since most of them were in the same situation, having met Brian and Nick and became friends with.
So, technically, he knew how he should act around Brian: touching and contacts to the minimum, shown understanding and sympathy and not to press if he was reluctant in sharing information. Still, it would be hard to just watch Brian and treating him like an average rape victim instead that the man he came to love as a son.
The main room where he had been escorted by Drew and Q, two of the bodyguards, was bigger than his living room and, in that moment, was full of people he barely knew, if not from the pictures Brian and Nick had shown them or the little stories too funny to keep them as a secret: Kevin and Howie were talking with a man dressed in a suit, white pages in their hands and never once raising their voice but still forced to keep it quiet. Because of the man sitting in one of the white couches. Brian was sitting between Nick, who was trying to distract him with a game, and Aj, if he wasn’t mistaken.
Before making himself noticed, Micheal checked Brian like Maria had taught him not long before: she went by instincts, always knowing when the smile was forced or when it was real and natural. In that moment, it was the first, which shocked him because never Brian had faked a smile with Nick.
“Detective Loreil? - Lost in his thoughts, he hadn’t noticed Kevin stepping away from his friend and walking over him. He shrugged clear his mind and focused on his job... because, even if he didn’t like it, that was a case. His job. – I’m Kevin, Brian’s cousin. Thanks for your help.” The same manners Brian had always displayed must be something running in his family, Micheal thought as he shook the hand the dark man held out.
“Call me Micheal. I’m not the detective who is working on this case. Not now, at least. For now, I’m just a friend helping out.”
“I still appreciate your help. - Brian said, walking over and standing not so close to them. – It’s good to see you, Micheal.”
“You too, son.”
The little smile, this time, wasn’t a façade. “I was hoping to see you in a happier occasion but... – he trailed off, lowering his eyes for a second before raising up once again his gaze. – How is Maria?”
“She’s good. Although she will be mad if she can see you. It’s not you who is supposed to lose weight.” Micheal winked at him while looking at Nick. Brian couldn’t help the tiny laughter that pricked his throat while wanting to get out, especially after seeing Nick’s face when he realized that Micheal was speaking about him
“Hey! I’m young and I’m still growing! I need to eat!” He defended himself, causing everyone to laugh.
“See? We didn’t even say his name.”
“You always make fun of me! And it’s not my fault your wife cooks so deliciously.” Nick remarked, pouting but still glad that Brian was smiling again.
From his spot on the couch, Aj watched the exchange while studying Micheal. The man looked like every detective in those drama series on television: not much taller than Brian, his figure was weighted down by the good cooking of his wife, along with years of working only behind a desk. He had to be in his forties, fifties, since his hair were a dark brown with a little salt and pepper here and there. Overall, he could see how Brian and Micheal had bonded since they seemed to share the same character: maybe it was part of his work attitude, but the way he had tried to ease a little Brian before starting the whole conversation... well, that reminded Aj of Brian and how easily it was to speak and seek help in him. At the end, Aj declared that he liked this man so he jumped on his feet and walked over the couple.
“Guess Brian was too lost in making fun of Nick that he forgot to make introduction. – he joked. – I’m Aj.”
Brian stuck out his tongue at Aj. “I wasn’t making fun. I was just stating the truth.”
A tiny light of positive shock brightened up Micheal’s grey eyes as he saw Brian taking Aj’s hand in his. An instant conclusion was made inside his mind: he liked the young man before his eyes, for he must be special if he had gotten to break down any barriers Brian had built up.
“I think it’s time to settle down for business, right?” Kevin asked directly at Brian, implying the question if he was ready. Brian nodded slightly, tightening his grip on Aj’s hand, whose only answer was to soothe his nerves with gentle caress. Now that Brian seemed more comfortable about being touched, Aj didn’t let this chance passing by, taking advantage to comfort Brian in the best way he knew.
Silently, all of them settled down on the couches, glasses of water were being passed along and Micheal opened up the folders he kept under his arm. Before he could start, the man he saw before talking to Kevin and Howie held up a hand and cleared his voice. “May excuse me but I’ve got something to say. Foremost, I want to apologize. Mr. Littrell, you were right. My job is to defend you and I wasn’t doing my job by jumping into conclusion, obviously wrong.”
Brian just smiled. “It’s okay.”
“Secondly, my apologies go to Mr. McLean.”
Aj’s head snapped upright in surprise. “Me?”
“Yes. We’ve done some investigations and the results were that you’ve been framed. The waiter admitted to have been paid to turn around while a “guy looking like Nick Carter” – Rob quoted - slipped something to the drink made for you. A witness claimed to see this unknown guy drag you in the Vip area and we’re still trying to find the hooker.”
“So now you believe us?” Nick asked bitterly.
“I should’ve done it from the start. – Rob said while getting up. – I’m going to make some calls, we’re still trying to understand where the pictures taken had been sent. But I still have an issue to discuss with you so just ring me when you’re all done. Mr. Richardson, I trust you to give me a full review about what you are going to discuss with the detective afterwards and if we need to involve the police.” With that, he left the room, leaving a thin silent hovering over the guys.
“Wow – Aj exclaimed in disbelief. – It’s the first time they apologize to me.”
“I guess the world is coming to an end, then.” Brian clucked, getting laughter from everyone.
“Okay, Brian. – Micheal interrupted the highlighted spirit, bringing everyone back to the matter of the day. – Nick had told me briefly what happened. He didn’t go into details but...”
“... but you guessed that I’ve been raped, right?” Brian finished for him.
“Yes. But I won’t ask you anything. If you feel the need to share something, anything that could help, it’s fine with me. But, if you don’t, we’ll just pass onto the murders.”
Aj felt Brian tensed up so he started again to rub his thumb over his palm, circles that meant to take away the creeping feelings his thoughts were bringing on. And Brian... Brian couldn’t understand how Aj managed to do that, to always know when his mind was back again in that bathroom and always knowing how to bring him back. He couldn’t be more grateful for his steady presence because it was the safe ground where he could breathe and try to be normal again.
“Aside from what Nick told you, I don’t think there is more to tell. Only that Zach warned me that he would be back for me.”
“How do you know his name?” Micheal asked, pulling out his note pad and writing down something.
“When I was in the backroom with the hooker – Aj answered. – I can’t remember who but someone called him with that name. I was trashed, I know, but I’m sure about it because I remember thinking it was strange because that was Nick so why someone would call him Zach?”
“Okay. So we have a name. It’s not too much, the name complete would have been better, but it can work. I’m sure someone would have noticed him since he’s the clone of Nick.”
“What a luck!” Nick grumbled.
“Let’s start with the first murder, the one Nick had found. It happened in 1999 so that means that Zach’s obsession with you, Brian, is deeper than a simple random encounter in a bar.”
That thought made Brian physically sick. The branches of that sentence were much frightening than the rape itself: it meant that Zach had followed him for years, trying to get closer and closer until he got the chance to have him. It meant more killed guys, more madness spread over roads he had travelled clueless to what was happening behind him. Suddenly, he felt claustrophobic, it was too much hot. He didn’t’ want to be there yet a part of him wanted to know everything so he knew where to direct his anger.
So he sat there, clutching Aj’s hand like it was a lifesaver, listening to stories that felt so real even if it revolved around people he didn’t know and that he wouldn’t ever meet. He listened about Stephen, a young physiotherapist with the passion of music, disappeared without anyone noticing, and reappeared a month later dead, a bruised corpse morphed in a resemblance of himself. Then, one year later, came the turn of Nigel, a dark haired man about his age that vanished the night of one of their concert in Dallas and was found two weeks after, in conditions that even Micheal didn’t want to share. What did Zach do to them? Part of his brain knew what he might have done and, maybe, it was better if he didn’t witness tangible proofs of how sick that man was.
Then, after Nigel, came Mitch, who suffered the same fate as the other two. Taken after one of their concert, he reappeared only some days after, a blonde wig instead that his brown hair and blue lens. Mitch died four months before that night.
“There is a precise scheme in Zach’s work: he goes to concerts, finds his target, which most of the time is someone who looks alike Brian, and then he kidnaps him, for a length of time that goes from a month to a matters of days. My best theory is that he tries to make them his own Brian and, when he realizes that they can’t be like the original, he kills them and jumps to find a new victim.” Micheal explained, trying to ignore the vacant look on Brian’s face. Probably it hadn’t been a good idea letting him be present at that meeting, knowing how easily it was for him to feel like it was all his fault.
“What about the guy killed outside the arena?” Kevin asked.
That seemed to snap Brian back from his mind. He didn’t forget about him, oh no. He didn’t ever ask about what was his name or how old he was. He was so focused on his problems that he didn’t care. And this wasn’t like him! He had to get a grip of himself.
“Oh, yes. Thomas, his name was Thomas. It was the night when you cancelled the concert. So, I guess, that Zach was angry because of that decision. He was sure to see you, have another contact with you and then he learned that there was no chance to see you. He was mad so he took it upon the first guy who looked like you. He probably totally thought that he was killing you and not some strangers.”
Brian squeezed Aj’s hand. “What... what you think we should do?”
“The only way to fight him, now, is to have a better and tighter security. He’s sick, yes, but he’s very clever. There has to be no room for another mistakes.” He didn’t add what everyone had already thought: a mistake meant the risk of Brian to be caught by Zach.
________________________________
The meeting ended up shortly after and Brian went to the door with Micheal. “Thank you, Micheal.”
“No problem. I preferred that you didn’t ever need me for something like that.”
“Me too. But... I can’t keep hoping that it’s only a nightmare. People died and I won’t do them any justice if I hide away from reality. Zach is going to pay for every family that still mourned their son.”
“Just be careful. You’re the one who he wants. Don’t do something stupid because you think it’s the best choice for everyone.”
“I almost did. – Brian confessed, looking over where Aj was talking with Howie. – But someone stopped me.”
Micheal followed Brian’s gaze and couldn’t help to smile when he saw who he was looking. “Let him help you, son. He cares for you.”
“I know.” Brian replied softly. Even for Micheal, it wasn’t hard to see what emotion linked those two guys together and he prayed that this story wouldn’t close Brian’s heart for fear of getting hurt. He had saw guys and girls going through the same thing and saw the aftermath, closing themselves off from the world because it just hurt too much or because they weren’t lucky to find someone who would help them to trust again. He prayed that this wouldn’t be Brian’s case and that one day he could look back and saw everything like a bump in the road, another obstacle that he had managed to get past. Because the Brian he knew from that first day he met him... that Brian loved to love people.
“Nick has my number so if there is something more, he can call me anytime. I’m going back to look about this Zach and...”
“If you find something, call me.” Brian interrupted.
“I can call another one. Kevin or Aj... you don’t need this on top of everything.”
“No. – Brian replied firmly. – I want to be involved. I don’t need to be sheltered or not knowing things because it hurts. It’s the only way I can think of healing. I need to do something or...”
“You need to think of yourself, first. That’s how you can do them justice. Staying alive. – Micheal said. – Take some days off, go back home or come to stay with us. But you need to step back and breathe for a little.”
Brian bitted his lips nervously, debating with himself. Going back home was so tempting but, at the same time, it didn’t feel right. There were so many things that could go wrong while he was away. “What if...”
“Don’t. You can’t build your life around if’s or maybe’s. Zach would do what he want regardless what you do.”
“I’ll think about it.” Brian answered honestly. He knew that, if he proposed something like that to Kevin, the older would be nothing but be happy to accomplish. Furthermore, he wasn’t going to ask for a month break, only a few days to try to find a meaning in everything.
A few days to try to mend his heart and to find the first piece of his new himself.
While Kevin was calling Rob and Brian was busy speaking with the detective, Howie took the chance to talk with Aj. It was clear that something had changed between him and Brian, mostly on the way Brian seemed less reluctant to lean on the other man.
“Hey, Jay. How are you doing?” He asked.
“Better. Sleeping always do the trick.”
Howie crocked his eyebrows towards Brian’s directions. “Have you talked to him?”
Aj stared at Brian too, noticing how he was deep in thought. “Yes. Turned out that he heard us so he wanted to make sure that he wasn’t using my feelings.”
Howie smiled, he should have thought that Brian was more likely already thought about it. “I guess you had done a lot of convincement since it seemed like he’s more.. open in asking help.”
“It’s not easy, D. There is still a lot more that Brian has to come to term with. But now that our feelings are out in the open, it’s... I don’t know how to explain, but it makes me much braver and stronger. Because I know that there is something tangible to fight for.”
“You deserve happiness, Alex.” Howie said warmly, placing a hand on his shoulder.
“Everyone does.” Aj replied. Especially Brian, he added in his thoughts.
Howie took a little card from his pocket and handed to him. “Remember that I told you about this girl I knew? – Aj nodded, remembering that it was that memory that made his friend realize what happened to Brian. – I called her and I found out that she’s now a therapist for rape victim. We’ve talked a little, asking her for advice about how to treat and act around Brian. I don’t know... but I guess that Brian needs someone, aside you, to talk with, someone who knows what he’s feeling.”
“You did the right thing. I’ve thought about it but Brian isn’t ready yet.”
“I think you should call her. Since you’re the one who spends most of the time with him, maybe she can give you some advice or clear your doubts.”
Aj accepted the card and tapped it safely in his pocket, knowing that one day it was going to be useful. “Thanks, D.”
“No need. Maybe in the past, we managed to fail each other. But we’ve grown up, we learned our mistakes and we aren’t going to mess this once again. We are a family.”
Thank God he thought about wearing his sunglasses otherwise his friend would have noticed the glimmering tears that were willing up in his eyes. But Howie’s words couldn’t be truer. They were a family. That meant that most of the time they couldn’t stand each other in their nervous days or they were always picking up about habits and such but it meant that, in time of needing, everyone was there to help their brother.
“Okay, guys, Rob can’t get because they’ve probably found the hooker but he told me what was the matter he needed to discuss with us. - Kevin’s voice interrupted everyone. He waited until everyone was back on their seats, smiling as Brian sat near Aj and took his hand, and then started again. – Media is having a fly with the news, I’m sorry Jay.”
“This was expected.”
A light nod. “Rob came up with a plan but, at the end, is you who has to say yes or no. The plan is to postpone the tour for a month, to let the dust cloud to vanish a little.”
“It’s not a bad idea, though. That way, there are less chance that Zach can kill other innocents.” Aj reflected. Still, he didn’t know why he had to agree or not.
“Exactly. And to give you and Brian time to relax and heal a little.”
“Where is the trap?” It was Brian who asked, his brow furrowed.
“We have to make a statement about Aj going back to rehabilitation. This doesn’t mean you have to go back, we know that you didn’t do it willingly.”
Before Aj could even start his reply, Brian jumped on his feet. “That’s not fair!”
Aj stood up too, trying to calm him down. “Hey, it’s not a big deal.”
But Brian didn’t want to be calm down. He knew what people would say, how they were going to treat Alex and it wasn’t fair he had to rebuild his reputation because of the work of a mad man. “It is. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Brian, hey, look at me. – Aj squeezed his hand until he was looking directly to Brian’s blue eyes. – I don’t care what people are going to say. The most important thing is that you and the guys believe me and don’t judge me. The others? Screw them.”
“But... the fans...”
“They’re going to think that, this time, I made a mistake and I’m willing to make it right. They never left us before and they aren’t going to do after this. You’re worrying too much.”
“And Bri? – Nick cut in the conversation. – Think this: if we say that Aj is in rehab, Zach would most likely leave him alone because he isn’t with you. Because he isn’t an obstacle anymore.”
Aj wanted to kiss Nick for his intervention. He played the only card he knew Brian wouldn’t object: his safety. And he saw, in Brian’s eyes, the defeat, the admission that it was a good idea if it left him safe and sound. “See? For once, my problems are going to be useful!” He tried to joke, hoping for a little smile that didn’t come. Still, Brian surprised him by simply laying his head on his shoulder.
“You’re crazy, you know, to joke about that.”
“I know. That’s why people love me.”
“You wish.”
There. In that moment, Brian’s lips curved in a little smile. “Kevin, tell Rob that I’m okay with his plan.” Aj said, leading Brian back to the sofa. Kevin nodded and, in a flash, he was out of the room, phone clutched tightly in his hands. In a moment, everyone was up and doing something while him and Brian just stood there, close and silent.
It was Brian who broke the silence. “You should call your mom, Alex.”
“I know. I will.”
“You should do it now. She probably already saw the magazines.”
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”
“No, no! – Brian laughed, maybe the first laugh Aj had heard that was natural. – It’s just... I’m going to call mine. I want to go home for some days.”
“I think it’s a good idea. Give me a half hour and then I’ll start calling for a flight.”
Brian knew what Alex meant. They had been indivisible in those last days that it seemed so absurd to think about separating. But the thought had started to form inside his mind as he talked with Micheal. He needed to be by himself for a little while, trying to find a little ounce of strength while he was being taken care of. He couldn’t weigh down Alex more than he already done, not while he was fighting over an addiction. “I... I want to go on my own.”
“Oh.” Aj commented, a little disappointed.
“Don’t think that I don’t need you because... you know that I do. But... I need to do this. I need to crash bad and I don’t want you to see me like that. You’ve already saw me in my lowest point, I want to save a little dignity.”
“Brian, I don’t care if you want to spend three days lying in bed. I don’t care if you want to cry or break things, although I might help you a little with the last one.”
Brian shook his head. In his mind, it was the perfect idea but... how could he refuse Alex’s help? But he had too, he was doing that mostly for Alex. “It’s...there’s so much I need to think about: the rape, Zach and those guys and... us. That’s the reason why I want to be on my own. Because, when we will meet again, I wanna be sure about my feelings and how we are going to work.”
Aj didn’t know how he was supposed to feel. He felt, in a way, rejected and he knew he was only being unfair because Brian didn’t want him because of what had happened but... yes, in a contort way, he was doing that for them. That was another story, another part of him that was jumping and dancing around because Brian had used that little pronoun that meant the world. Us.
“I get it. I’m not happy because I don’t like being away from you, being unable to help you. But I get why you need to be on your own. Only a few days?”
Brian smiled. “Only a few days.” He agreed.
“Only one promise: I don’t care what time is it, but if you have a nightmare or whatever feeling or just want someone to talk, you have to call me, okay?”
“Even if it is only to comment a cheesy film on television?”
“Even in that case.”
Brian parted reluctantly from Aj. He still had a phone to make and it wasn’t going to be very easy. After saying that to Alex, Brian returned to his, no, their room. He took the phone and dialed a number he had always known.
“Mom? I... I’m coming back home.” He said as soon as he heard the bright voice of the woman. The last resort of control blew off and Brian found himself breaking down, this time didn’t ashamed by the tears.
________________________
The last suitcase had been closed by the time Aj returned from his call. The air in the room was gloomy and it seemed like to Brian that he was going to say goodbye to a part of his life, the live he had lived until that frightful night.
“Kevin asked me to tell you that your car is already waiting. You’re going to take the back door, since there aren’t a lot of fans there,”
“Thank you. – Brian said, rubbing his eyes to try to take away the puffiness. The call with his mom had been an emotional ride and a lot more was waiting for him once he would be home. – Everything okay with Denise?”
“Yes. I told her the basic facts. She was ready to jump on me about the drug but, in the end, she understood. She wants me at home so I guess I will be going there for the few days.”
“Let her spoil you a little bit, Alex.”
“You too. Especially in the eating department.” Aj warned him with a grin.
Placing his bags on the floor, Brian stepped over him and hugged him. It was a fast one and not the ones Aj was used to know but it was a start. “Thank you, Alex. For everything.” Then he went back to get his bags and started walking out the door. He looked back at Aj one last time, really fighting the need to ask him to come with him. But the smile he got in return warmed him more than the sun in the hottest day. Because it gave him hope.
He was broken. He was in pain. He was shattered and there was no assurance in his future if not for one thing. If not for one person. Alex.
Alex was his hope, the promise that he could be still loved and that, one day, he would be able to love once again.
Maybe now his world was surrounded by darkness and shame but there was a small flickering light at the end. And he was going to fight to keep it burning.