Brian was angry, madder than he ever been in all of his life. He felt the raw emotion vibrated in every bone, nerves and limbs, a fuel that was igniting a fire burning so feverish inside him that it was a miracle that no one seemed to be harmed by. He didn’t have any explanation about that kind of amount of rage, only that it had been started by simple frustration about what was happening in that room: he was staring at those three men, men that were supposed to protect them and not attack them like they were the worst people in the entire world. Especially the PR one: he knew what he was thinking, he knew that he was judging Alex for his past and he didn’t even pay attention to what he had said. He had made his mind, Alex was the addicted one and that was what happened: he got drunk, high, had sex with a hooker and now, only because he knew he had screwed up, he was trying to save his ass coming up with a lame excuse.
That angered Brian most of all. A lame excuse? Those weren’t just some lies made up to defend Aj! It was a serious situation, a man had died and here they thought only about album sales and reputation. It was moment like those that made Brian frustrated with the music business: he knew that it was how things worked but he couldn’t shake off the lack of regards of one’s humanity. They weren’t robot, they were human being and that meant that they had their moment of weakness, their low point. And management... management should helping them and not turning their backs and just focus on how many money they could gain.
Focusing his gaze towards Rob, Brian channeled all of his anger into a control of emotions he didn’t know it was there. For days, he had been going up and down, swirled around like he was a spinning top. Now, he didn’t want to leave this room, didn’t want to be coward one that ran away from confrontation. He didn’t care about himself but he wouldn’t allow them to make Alex feel that way of himself.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” He hissed, his tone so low but still held a forceful point that made everyone looked over him. Nick couldn’t help but smile because he recognized that tone: a mad Brian wasn’t something you got to see often because the older had the patience of a saint. But when he reached his limits... hell was like heaven compared to him.
“I’m doing my job, Mr. Littrell.” Rob answered, nowhere near being moved by that scene.
“Your job is to defend us. Your job is to make sure that truth will be out not some nasty lies only because it makes your job more profitable.”
Rob frowned. “I need more proof that just some random theory about a stalker. If you want me to believe that Mr. McLean had been framed by some crazy guy for what so ever reason, you’ve gotta to give me some proof.”
“I won’t tell you the details. But I’ve been hurt and this guy had been able to be near me avoiding security.”
“Well, if we don’t know that there is a stalker, we can’t do nothing.”
Just as Brian was about to make a bitter reply, Kevin stepped in. Brian took that break to look over Howie, asking him silently to go and check Aj. He would have gone himself but he wanted to make sure some facts before. “We asked you to tighten up the security after that homicide.”
“Do you think it’s linked?”
“No, we don’t think it. We know that it’s.” Brian answered.
“Have you talked with the police?” The lawyer questioned.
It was Nick who answered that question. “Yes. Not giving all the details but we told them ours suspicions.”
Brian didn’t know this. Gosh, how many things he didn’t know only because he had been too busy feeling sorry for himself or crying too much for his taste?
“Oh come on! This is getting too big! It’s okay to admit that Mr. McLean needs help.”
“The one who has to get help is you! I don’t care what you think, I don’t care if you believe that we’re only a bunch of pretty faces but you’re working for us so, therefore, you need to show a little respect for us!”
“I think that respect has to go both ways. I can’t do my job, no one here can’t do their job, if you, our clients, hide things for us. How are we supposed to do your interests when we don’t know what’s going on? We don’t want to know your private life, who you like to bang or not. But we have to know if it affects the group.”
Was he implying what he was thinking? Anger, mixed with nausea, filled him in every ways. “What do you mean?” He asked.
“Well, it’s not the first time that a “vip” regrets to have a one night stand with a fan and so he tries to slip it off as an unwanted attention. Is it the case, Mr. Littrell?”
Brian didn’t react immediately. As Kevin shouted how outrageous was that and Nick was telling Rob to back off because they knew the truth and it was far away from what he thought. His ears didn’t pay attention to what Nick was saying, the way he was defending him by only telling the truth: Brian didn’t go in clubs to pick up strangers, Brian doesn’t do things like that. Oh those words were right but they managed to bring up all his unanswered questions: why him? Why he had been chosen to be part of a sick game?
And this Rob was saying that he deserved everything that had happened. To be hit, to be thrown against a wall, feeling so weak that he couldn’t even defend himself.
“What?”
The shocked word told him that he wasn’t only thinking... no, he had been speaking out loud, he had let out every little secret. He couldn’t see the shock written all over the men’s face. And yes, even Nick and Kevin’s because, even if they knew, they didn’t ever listen to Brian while telling his story. Every word, every hatred word aimed for himself, was a painful reminder of how much that story had destroyed their friend, their brother.
“Do you think that I enjoyed being cornered in a smelly and dirty bathroom, without a chance to escape? Do you think that I’ve asked to be slammed against a wall?” Far away to bring back control over his emotions, Brian did something he didn’t ever do before, only one time and it was because Alex coated him to check his injuries: taking the hem of his shirt, he raised it up, showing those angry memories that still he bore on his skin. “Do you think that these bruises are just from a rough sex?”
“I... I...” Rob, as well as the others, couldn’t reply. Was there something that they could say?
With angry and hot tears streaming down his face, Brian spoke up again. “Do you think that I liked being raped?” Dropping down his arms, his hands still curled up in a tight fist, Brian let go of everything. “You know now the truth. I’ve been raped, a guy had died because of me and if you don’t do nothing... Aj or Kevin or Nick or Howie will be next. Don’t let that happen.”
Ignoring Nick’s calling, Brian turned around and started looking for Aj. He wiped away the tears, for he didn’t want to worry further Aj and because the only way to calm himself was to focus on checking Alex and make sure that he was okay, that he didn’t feel like everyone was going to believe those lies. But, when he opened the door, he stopped from getting in: Aj was standing in front of the mirror and he was so different from the miserable man that had run away from the main room. Once again, Alex had proven his never ending strength. Then, before he could make himself known, Howie asked Aj if he loved him.
“Yes, I do.”
The sincerity in those words brought new and fresh tears. He didn’t deserve that emotion, he wasn’t worth the pain and the hurt that came with loving him. Especially, Alex didn’t know the truth. And, if he knew, love would be the last emotion he would feel about him.
** ** ** ** **
Back in the bathroom, no one had noticed Brian: Aj was still lost in his internal thoughts while looking at the mirror and Howie was doing the same, although his stare were on his friend’s face instead than the reflection.
Aj’s revelation hadn’t shocked Howie, in a way he had always knew that his friend felt something deeper than only friendship for Brian. But now things were more complicated and he wanted to be sure that Aj knew that Brian might not returned his feelings or might not be able to love him like he deserved.
“You know it’s not going to be easy, right?” He asked him, making sure that Aj could sense his concern. “Even if Brian loves you back...”
“I know, I know.” Aj stopped him before he could finish. He already knew what his friend was going to say, nothing more than things he already told himself a thousand times. “I’ve waited for him for so long and I can’t imagine not loving him. Mostly, I can’t imagine a Brian who can’t love someone, unable to love period. It’s part of his nature, it what makes him Brian.” For the first time, Aj locked his eyes with Howie’s ones. “Right now, I just wanna be there for him. He trusts me and... it might sound stupid or too corny, but seeing him like that, it just makes me wanna grow stronger so he can always lean on me.”
Afraid of what reaction would be reflected in his friend’s eyes, Aj lowered his gaze upon his hands, trembling with the force of the cravings. He swallowed back the fear of rejection, knowing that it was only motivated by the drugs still floating in his veins. Supported by this strength, he managed to raise up his face and surprise, along with a warm feeling enveloping his heart, filled him as he met only a smiling face.
“You’re growing up, Alex. And I don’t doubt that you’re gonna heal Brian. Just... don’t forget your needs while you’re trying to take care of Brian, okay?”
Now it was Aj who replied him with a smile. “Don’t worry. We’re a team, we look after each other.”
As Aj turned open the faucet to wash himself a little more with cold water, Howie leaned against the wall, willing his worry to go away: he was glad to see that change in Aj because he had been so afraid that one step back into drugs and alcohol could meant losing, once again, his best friend. Aj had a big heart, a thing that not most of the people knew, and as any other pure heart, it could be easily bruised. So Aj hide that part of him, over a façade of the tough one who didn’t need anyone to protect him or just be there for him. Behind the rebel cover, there was only a lost little child who wanted more than ever to be accepted with his fragilities and insecurities. Most of all, he just wanted to be loved. And it was clear as the sun that Brian had discovered that child and was slowly taking care of him: with everything happened, someone else would have just ran away from Aj, afraid to be pulled down in the same path. Not Brian. Brian, who was far from being okay, was out there fighting for something not because he felt like he had to but because he wanted to defend Aj’s honor. Because that was the kind of guy Brian was: for his friends, for people who he loved and cared for, he would fight with every strength, even when he didn’t have any left for himself. But fight for himself? Not at all, he would just hide and with a sad smile say that it was okay, that there were much bigger problems in the world to just focus on his. Maybe, if he was standing in front of the old Aj, he would have just told him to step back and waited until and if Brian would be okay to start a relationship. But this new Aj knew better and, maybe, was the right person to show Brian that it was okay to take time to heal his wounds without giving a damn about other’s problems.
“Alex, you need to talk to him.”
“What?” Aj exclaimed in surprise, spinning around. He put a hand on the sink when he realized that he shouldn’t have done that, especially since the room didn’t stop when he did. “Don’t you think that now Brian isn’t really thinking about relationship and love? If you haven’t forgotten, there is a psychopath out there.”
“I don’t, trust me. But you both need to know where you stand. Are you only a friend? Do you want something more when this all situation will end?”
“Of course I want something more than friendship but that depends only on Brian.”
“No, don’t make his mistake. Don’t put his needs before yours. Now, more than ever, Brian needs to know that he isn’t taking advance of your feelings, that you know that he might not be able to love you back like you deserve.”
Aj sighed, knowing that Howie was indeed right. Because that was a thought Brian would have, worrying about someone’s feeling instead that just using help without any doubts. It was just another thing that made him fall in love with him. “You’re right. It’s something we have to talk about it. I just... I just don’t want to load another weight on his shoulders.”
A strange light lightened up Howie’s eyes. “Maybe you won’t. Maybe, you will help him releasing some.” He didn’t add more, just opened the door and walked out of the bathroom, leaving a stunned Aj behind him. Then, after a few moments when he just thought over his words, Aj tilted his head back and laughed. Leave it to Howie to say something cryptically that held, instead, a clear meaning.
When he joined his friend in the main room, he noticed first that Tim, Rob and Richard weren’t there. Good, he didn’t want to face them once more that day, he would just have yelled at them for having screamed at Brian. Speaking of, neither Brian and Kevin were there too. He didn’t have the time to ask Nick, the only one left, where they were because the younger jumped on his feet as soon as he saw him.
“Gosh, Jay! You should have been here!”
“What happened? And where is Brian?”
“He is taking a shower.” Nick replied. “Kevin went after him since you were still in the bathroom and Brian didn’t want to disturb you.”
That made Aj’s senses raising up. “Something bad? Another attack?”
Nick waited a moment before replying. “I don’t know. He was there, he was mad, angry. He was the old Brian, you know? The same Brian that had faced Lou about the money he stole us. But Rob, the PR, wouldn’t back off, no matter how many times me and Kevin told him to drop it. He wanted to know how Zach had hurt Brian and then...”
Aj didn’t like what he was hearing and the desire to drop everything and stalk down that man was rapidly growing inside him. “Then what?”
“He basically implied that Zach had made some moves, like a kiss or a grope, and those didn’t count as “hurting”.” Nick ran his fingers through the hair. “Brian lost it. He took off his shirt and showed him the bruises, screaming if those could be count as hurting or if he thought he enjoyed being used as punching sack. Or if he enjoyed being raped.”
Howie let out a muffled sound behind Aj, who didn’t know how he was still there and not somewhere breaking every bone of that Rob. “Then Brian just disappeared in his room and I think Kevin said something about breaking the contract if they don’t take measure to protect Brian. I don’t know, I was still in shock.”
Aj didn’t wait any longer, without giving any words, he just heading back to the room he was sharing with Brian. Funny how fury made him walk quicker than he thought he could do, since that morning he felt like an old man. And, to be honest, it wasn’t only fury. It was worry the force sweeping in his feet, worry about that the few steps Brian had done towards healing had been vanished by a stupid and obnoxious man that thought that he knew everything when, in reality, he didn’t know nothing.
He yanked open the door, looking in every corner to find Brian. Only Kevin was inside the room, sitting on the edge of the bed near the door of the adjoined bathroom. The only sound was the one of the water of the shower still running and that, combined with the defeated look on Kevin’s face, told him that things were bad.
“He’s still in there. I tried to call him but... or he didn’t hear him or he didn’t want to answer me.” Kevin said as soon as he saw Aj. “Do you think he...?” Kevin couldn’t bring himself to finish that thought. Just thinking that Brian had been so close to do it once was bad enough but to think that he was doing it while he was outside, useless and unable to do nothing to prevent it... it was worse, much worse. Why he couldn’t help him? No, why everything kept tumbling down? He was the first to admit that things were still far from being normal again but last night, when Brian had reached out for Aj and took care of him, it seemed like time had turned back. And now... look where he was, hidden in a bathroom, back inside those thoughts that held him prisoner for the first days.
“He won’t.” Aj tried to reassure him. Or... was he reassuring himself instead? Oh, he could feel what Brian was thinking in that moment. Emotions and thoughts he had only moments before, where he was screaming at himself how disgusted must be his friends knowing what he had done the night before.
“You sure? You...” Kevin hid his face behind a hand. “You didn’t see him. He froze when he realized what he had done. I tried to touch him and he just jerked away, running like someone was there killing him. I shouted something to management, literally no more than thirty seconds, but by the time I got here, he was already locked in the bathroom.”
“Can we fire them?” Aj asked him, trying to boil down his anger. Although his first need was to go inside with Brian, he knew he couldn’t do while anger still vibrated from every bone. “I don’t care if we have to pay something or what. I don’t want them near Brian. Especially that dickhead of the PR.”
“I don’t think it’s gonna be a great idea. Especially now. We need to focus on Brian and keeping him safe from that psychopathic. Even if they’re idiots, we need management to organize things and take care of media and such. Be without them it would just leave us defenseless.” Then, he remembered something that Brian said and that had made him shiver. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” Aj asked, suddenly nervous about it and afraid it might have something to do with his rough night. He should have thought that no one, aside Brian, would believe him.
“The other day, when Brian had his crisis, did you see someone in the hallway?” Kevin asked, taking Aj completely by surprise. He expected him questioning if what he had told was the truth or if he had gone and drunk because of all the stress.
“You believe me?” He couldn’t help to ask.
“Of course. Jay, I’ve already told you that I know you’re not that person anymore. And yes, it might be hard for strangers to believe that someone could plot something big like that but... we both know that this Zach is dangerous.”
Relief was like a huge wave washing over him, taking away all of his fears of having screwed up things once again and being hated for that. “You don’t know how much it means for me.” He whispered in a choked voice. Then he cleared up his voice. “See what?” he asked, going back to what Kevin had asked him before.
“Brian said that he saw Zach.”
“In the hallway?”
Kevin nodded. “He was coming out from your dressing room. And... management found a bag of cocaine inside your things.”
Shit. Double shit. He didn’t care about the coke, he didn’t care Zach had wanted to frame him worse. Didn’t Kevin realize what could have happened? That psychopath had been so close to Brian that, if he really wanted, he could have taken him away. How in the hell had he managed to do that? “I was with you, Kevin. If you didn’t see him, how I was supposed to?”
“At first management didn’t believe him but Nick lied saying that he saw him too. That pretty shook them up so they’re speaking now with the police.”
“Finally!” Aj exclaimed dryly. “Still, can you talk to them? You’re the only one who can scare someone and they need to realize that I won’t accept that kind of behavior around Brian. He needs support from everyone, not to be questioned about everything.”
“I think that Brian shocked them enough.”
“He shouldn’t have. I mean, it was his decision to not tell everyone.”
“I know.”
Kevin got up, knowing that Brian was in better hands than his. “Call if you need something. I’ll try to reason with Rob and we’ll find a way to contain the news between us.”
“Can you order us some breakfast? I can manage Brian to calm down but... I guess it will do no good if he will be up in a matter of seconds after the first nightmare.”
“You want to give him his pill?”
Aj nodded. “He’s still supposed to be on bed rest.”
“Okay.” Kevin answered, scribbling down something on a white sheet. He was about to go out the door when he turned around. “Take care of him, okay?”
Aj smiled softly, as always when Brian entered in his thoughts. They’ve come so far and he wouldn’t let someone, or something, destroy everything. “I will.”
“And take care of yourself, too.” Kevin added, before leaving the room with finally something to do. First, he could finally vent out all the anger he had held inside for too long time.
** ** ** ** **
Curled up inside the shower, Brian let the ice drops of water hit his body, too numb, too frozen to really pay attention to the temperature. How could something already frozen feel the cold? That was him in that moment, grateful to be numb because he didn’t like those feelings inside him. It was too much, a rollercoaster that didn’t seem to stop any time soon: so many different thoughts, so many emotions and he didn’t know which one was the most important.
Gosh, he had been so stupid! Everyone, now, knew what happened to him. He could hear their whispered words, picturing their eyes full of pity about the poor boy who let himself being touched by a psychopath and he could just sense their disgust as they witnessed every bruises still screaming on his body. They were right, so right about thinking that he deserved it. Even if, in a part of his mind, he knew that he was being irrational, that honestly, he didn’t deserve that kind of madness, he was convinced to deserve being throwing down after every attempt to raise up. Because he was so selfish to depend on everyone, especially Aj. He should have putted his foot down and ran away so, maybe, Aj wouldn’t be reduced in those conditions.
I love him. Bittersweet had been hearing those words: those three words made his heart flutter while a warm fuzz finally made him believe that something good would come out from that situation. But then, when Alex said that he had done it for a long time, Brian had felt a sense of defeat filled him: Alex wasn’t in love with him, not this Brian shattered and left wondering what to do with himself. No, he was in love with the old Brian, someone that had died and couldn’t be brought back.
And he... he was just taking advance of this love. He was stealing from Alex strengths he didn’t have because, if he was around him, he could fake that he was that Brian again, the one who everyone had always count on in time of need, the Brian who Nick had always looked up to understand the world around him.
“Bri? Can you open? I know that you aren’t really showering.”
Alex. He shouldn’t be here, not after all he had been through because of him. Gosh, he knew why he had ran in the bathroom and it had broke his heart saw him crumbling down like that. He had always envied the way Alex had turned his life around: he made mistakes, he paid for the consequences and he had learned his lesson.
And yet... here he was, on the brink of an edge that was already shaking in its core. And it would not get better, especially if he kept keeping Alex so close to him. One day... one day he would be too tired and weak to keep up his defenses and he would see how much he was wasted, how far things were from what he thought. Those men, looking at him like he wanted to be treated like that... they were right. That was the worst feeling inside him, the one that tore him apart, the fact that his body had reacted by those unwanted touching.
“Don’t make me break down the door, Bri. You know that I can do it.”
Alex wasn’t going to leave him alone. Not until he was sure that he was alright. And that was what he intended to do: he would put up his mask and take care of Aj.
Brian grabbed one of the robe hung on beside the shower and put it on, barely feeling the warm that the texture provided. Straightening up his spine, he forced back every thought and fears, hiding them in a place Aj couldn’t access. Alex didn’t need more stress and he wanted to make sure he was safe and okay before breaking down once again.
“Hey.” He murmured softly after opening the door. “How are you feeling?”
Aj was taken aback by Brian’s demeanor. He had expected to force his way in the bathroom, ready to witness another breakdown and, instead, he got a totally calm Brian, maybe too calm after his outburst in the main room. He studied him closely, wondering what was screaming at him that something wasn’t right: the wet curls indicated that he had indeed been in the shower and the red shade of his skin told him that either the water was too hot or too cold. That, he had imagined it would happen: probably showing the tangible signs of the assault had brought back the too familiar feeling of shame and being dirty. And that was, partially, the reason why he seemed so distant like... damn! Screw that stupid guy! Brian was back at the beginning, the first day after the rape when he had closed off himself from everyone. Oh, but Aj wasn’t going to let him doing it! He had fought to break down those walls and he wouldn’t let Brian build up them again.
“I’m good.” Aj lied, feeling again the trembles that still shook his hands. Without realizing it, he scratched the inside of his elbow. “How are you?”
Brian rounded around that question, focusing his attention on the friend. “You should be sleeping. It will help you dealing with the craving.”
Aj didn’t let Brian go off so easily. “You are the one who should be sleeping. Only a day ago you were in hospital.”
Brian flinched at the mention of his trip at the hospital and what had caused it. Then, something caught his eyes. “Alex! You’re bleeding!” He exclaimed, pointing with his index finger the point where, indeed, he was bleeding.
“Fuck!” There, on his arm, was a large scratch and a red fluid was flowing out. He pressed a hand over it but the itching was still tempting him to scratch the skin already flushed.
“Sit on the bed while I search my first aid kit.” Brian told him. “Try not to worse it, please.”
Aj grinned back at him. “I’ll try my best to behave.” Brian couldn’t help the tiny smile to appear on his face. What power Aj had that always found a way to make him smile, even when he felt only the urge to cry? Being with him, it was easy to forget all those reasons why he shouldn’t be so close to him. He busied himself searching for the kit, knowing that it was somewhere inside his suitcase: between him and Nick, he had always needed to have one on hand! He felt tears prickling the corner of his eyes as he remember how easy had been life during those days; yes, there had been obstacles and days where he just wanted to go back to the simple life in Kentucky but he would take them in a blink instead of that uncertainty.
Finally, he found the aid kit. He went in the bathroom, took a washcloth and wet it, before heading out and joining Aj on the bed.
“Come on, let me clean it.” He said, motioning Aj to stretch out his arm so he could clean the wound. It wasn’t that deep but he did a quite job on himself. He couldn’t help the guilt to raise up a little, knowing that if it wasn’t for him, Alex wouldn’t be like that. Along with the blame, came the urge to detach himself more further from him.
Aj, on his part, didn’t know how to approach Brian. What was the right thing to do? Pushing him, forcing the truth out from him, knowing that he could do much more harm than good or let Brian had his space? Most of the times, that was the way Brian worked: he would focus himself on the others while sorting whatever was going inside his head. Letting him doing this would have meant that he was treating him like had always done, a sort of normalcy that Brian was surely missing. But, even with that choice, he could do more harm, letting Brian thinking that he didn’t want to help him anymore or that he was blaming him for everything that had happened.
Everything in Brian was screaming for help, that was the only thing that Aj was sure of: the way he had managed the washcloth so it would cover his hands and put a barrier between him and his skin; the tightness of every muscles, it looked like it was a physical pain trying to hold everything inside. That won over Aj, he couldn’t let Brian keep doing this to himself. He could deal with the anger, he could deal even with the tears, although it broke his heart, but the silence? Not at all.
But he chose carefully his words. “Thank you.”
Those two words surprised Brian, freezing him with a hand up. He slowly turned his head to look to Aj. “About what?” He asked with a tiny voice, his heart beating so hard against his chest.
“Before. You stood up for me.”
Brian let out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding and went back to cure the welt on Aj’s arm. “It’s not a big deal. They didn’t know the truth and I couldn’t let it pass as something you did on purpose.”
“I’m still grateful and... I’m proud.” Aj waited to keep going. As soon as Brian raised up his gaze again, he spoke again. “You probably don’t realize it but... back there, you were the old Brian. You weren’t afraid of speaking up the truth, even if it hurt you.”
“Trust me, I was afraid.”
Silence fell back again, leaving Aj clueless to what to do next. “Are you still afraid?”
Brian’s jay tightened up, showing that Aj did hit a sore spot. “I... I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, Al... Aj.”
Being so used to Brian calling him Alex in those days, it hurt to hear Brian calling with his name: it showed what Brian was doing, he was deliberately putting a space between them. “You’re afraid about them knowing. You’re afraid what they’re thinking, judging you as a weak person because you let that happened.” Aj dared, dared to put a hand upon Brian’s, foreseeing the way the muscles beneath his palm would tensed up or the jerking moves to get away. “You’re afraid to be touched again.”
A breathe in and a breath out, Brian forced himself to keep under control the panic while his minds was searching an alibi to excuse himself and get away. “It’s... you don’t know, Alex.” This time, the nickname fell from his lips before he could stop it. “You don’t know the truth.” You don’t know how disgusting I am. They are right, I provoked him and let it happened. I deserved this.
“There is more?”
“You love me.” Brian held his gaze, looking into Aj’s brown eyes. “Why? How can you love me?”
That shocked Aj, mostly because Brian had taken him by surprise. He did wanted to talk about his but not like that, not with Brian looking at him so broken, like he did really believed that he wasn’t worth to be loved in that way. “The right question is why I can’t love you.”
“You love someone that doesn’t exist anymore. You don’t want to love this.. whatever I am right now. But... I can’t be the old Brian, he died that night.” He died when Zach forced his way and my body betrayed me. How can you, Alex, love a soul so shallow? “I don’t want to deceive you and, most of all, I don’t want to use your feelings to force you to stay with me.”
His wound long forgotten, Aj raised up his hand and let it rest on Brian’s cheek. “You’re not using me, Bri. I’m here because I want to. I’m still here because I care for you and I... I just wish there was a way to take away all the pain you’re feeling. Especially, I just want to make you see that you’re carrying too much weight on your shoulders.”
“Please...” Brian pleaded Aj, closing his eyes. “Don’t... you can’t…”
“I can’t what? Love you? There are so many reasons why I do, so many reasons why I wouldn’t change for anything in the world the emotions inside my heart.”
Brian shook his head. “You can’t touch me.” He replied, finding strength to force back the tears. If he started again, God only knew he wouldn’t be able to stop, which would meant Aj to try to comfort him and to forget to look after himself. He had to be strong. Even if it hurt ten thousand times worse.
“I’m touching you and nothing’s happening. Or... are you disgusted by me?”
That seemed to shock Brian. “No!” he exclaimed, looking stunned. “What the hell, no, Alex! I won’t be disgusted by you! It wasn’t you who did those things. You were a victim.”
“Why can’t you use your own words for yourself? You’re so easy in forgiving me, even when I don’t deserve it. Yes, I was drunk. But I could say no to the hooker. And, mostly, I enjoyed the sex. I wasn’t a victim. I had the chance to say no and I preferred to say yes.”
“You weren’t thinking. Drunk, he could have asked you to sell your house and you would have done it. He used your weakness, knowing that you wouldn’t be able to turn down the offer. That’s even worse...”
“Even worse than a rape? Even worse than a dead man?”
Brian flinched at the word. Why was Alex keeping saying those words? Why he couldn’t see the shame written on his face? “Is it rape if someone enjoyed?” He asked without even thinking about those words.
Oh, sweet Jesus, for all this time, Brian had kept this secret? That was the reason why he kept bringing himself down, the reason why he felt so broken. “Oh, baby. You... why you didn’t tell me? It’s not your fault, even if your body reacted, you still didn’t want it. It’s still rape.”
“I felt so wrong... I still feel like that, if I didn’t react, he would have stopped. And back then, when I showed my bruises, it was like they could see past me, like they know that... and they’re right, I deserved it.”
Aj slid down by the bed so he would be at the same level as Brian. Even if he didn’t want to, he fought back the urge to take the man in his arms. And, even if he was shocked by those words coming down from Brian, he couldn’t help to stare amazed by the steel control Brian held: no tears, no screaming... maybe, that toneless voice, painted only by a brokenly defeat, was worse than the raw emotion of pain. Because... because now it seemed like Brian wasn’t letting himself to feel.
“And then... then I heard you saying to Howie that you love me.” Brian wanted to stop himself, wanted to hold on the tiny rope of hope that somehow Aj would still be by his side if he didn’t speak but it was like words were running away. Or, maybe, he wanted to push Aj away from him and that was the only way he could do it. “But you fell in love with me before this happened. I can’t tie you in something that I... I don’t know if I will ever be able to shake away this fear every time someone, even you, is close to me. And to trust someone that deeply, to make you see what’s going on inside me and how... how much shattered and helpless I am. It’s’ not fair.” He lowered his gaze, for he didn’t want to see whatever emotion was showing its light inside Aj’s eyes. Even if it hurt, because deep inside he cared, no, he felt something for the man that he didn’t quite understand, well, even if it hurt he had to give Aj the chance to say no, that he didn’t want to wait for something that it might not happened. “You deserve much more than what I can give you. You’re a passionate man, you show love through your body and... no, I can’t let you close away, waiting for me to give you things that... I wasn’t able to love Nick that way before, now... I don’t know if I ever be able doing it.”
Aj stopped him, placing a finger over his lips. “I don’t care if I have to wait until eternity. I love you, more than I ever done in my life. But, now, you don’t have to worry about this. I’m a big man, I can look after my heart and I know that it will be long before you will be able to trust me in that sense. But I know you will and you know why?” His finger traced down until his whole palm was resting there where Brian’s heart was beating. “Here is where the Brian I fell in love with is hiding. He’s licking his wounds but I know that one day he’s going back again in the sun. Maybe you won’t be the same person... no, I’m sure you will be a stronger Brian. You will love and you will be loved.”
“I want so bad to believe you, Alex. But... what if one day you’re gonna realize that you have wasted time after me? What if you realize that loving me isn’t worth the wait, the heartache and... the pain?”
“One day, a wise man said to me to live life day by day because, if you worry about the future, you’re gonna miss the present.” Aj said, finally seeing Brian’s features relaxing a little. He remembered when Brian said that to him, a night full of drinking and whining about what the future would hold for him.
“He wasn’t that wise.” Brian breathed out.
“Let me be the one judging, okay?” Aj replied. “Don’t worry about the future. I won’t push you. We can be whatever you feel you want to be right now. Friends, more than friends, it doesn’t matter. Just... just don’t shout me out. I can’t help you if you don’t let me in.”
Doing something he hadn’t be able to do some minutes before, Brian placed his hand upon the one Aj was still holding over his heart. “I feel something for you, right here. You saved me, Alex. And you’re still doing it, day after day. I just... I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I promise to tell you if you ever hurt me. Even if I doubt it. You’ll probably hurt yourself before hurting someone else.”
“You’re... you’re gonna wait for me even if I don’t... if I can’t give you the...” Blushing, Brian stuttered, the word sex wouldn’t want to even form inside his mind. He had always been shy about that area, something Aj had always made him fun of, making blunt and explicit jokes just to make him blushing like a little girl. But now, that word, three simple letters, held so many meaning, some of them that fearful, that Brian’s mind didn’t want to express it.
“I’ve got a pretty good fantasy. So, don’t worry about it.”
Brian didn’t know how to reply, everything that they have discussed was making him lightheaded. Or, maybe, it was because he felt like a huge weight had been lifted up from his shoulders: Aj knew and he wasn’t disgusted. Now that everything had been in the open, now that he had made sure that Alex wouldn’t feel like being used, he could focus on healing, knowing that, even if he fell, Alex would be there to pick him up.
“Come on, Bri, you look like you’re dead.” Aj said and Brian had wanted to reply him but... he was right. The mental exhaustion was feeding the physical one and it seemed like heaven some hours in which he didn’t have to think. He let Aj lead him to bed, sighing when he felt his head hitting the cushion.
“Do you want to take the pill?” he heard Aj asking. Pill? Oh, yeah, the sleeping one. He shook his head, a movement that used the last trail of energy. But his mind didn’t stop, remembering him that Alex too needed to sleep. And there was only one way to assure that.
“Alex... will you lay down with me?”
Aj didn’t have to reply. He took off his shoes and then laid down on the bed, on his side, facing Brian. The man was already on the brink to fall asleep: he looked, finally, so peaceful, his lips partially open, his right hand close to the head. Aj reached out with his own, intertwining their fingers together. He laid there, watching Brian sleeping, until his own eyelid grew heavier and he couldn’t keep them open. His last thought, before sleep claimed him was a prayer that he would be able to carry, even just for a while, Brian’s weight.
You’re so perfect to me.
** ** ** ** ** **
Nick was restless, a nervous ball of energy that yearned to be revealed. Shows and performances applied to the job, that was why he loved so much being up on the stage: yes, the adoring screams were part of the pleasure, and he would a hypocrite if he lied about not liking them. But nothing felt more powerful than to burn energies while doing something that made him feel... alive.
During their days off, he was used to go out with Brian, play basketball or do so many things that he was literally wiped out when they snuggled on the couch to watch some films or whatever television series Brian was addicted to in that moment.
He missed Brian. It was a selfish feeling, he knew, because he was missing the old Brian, the one always ready to help him, his partner in everything. He was the one who always managed to calm him and help him to think about a solution to his problems, instead that simply crying over how unfair it was.
Now that he had grown up a little, he could see how much unbalanced had been their relationship. Still, a part of him had loved Brian and, maybe, it was still doing. But even him could understand that it was very different from what linked Brian and Aj: they seemed to have this incredible power to strengthen up each other. It amazed him and he was really glad that Brian could lean on someone who knew how to deal with everything.
But that didn’t mean he couldn’t do nothing. Because... he hated being useless. Everyone was doing something, minus Brian and Aj who were resting in their room: Howie was dealing with media, doing interviews and trying to contain the damages. He also said that he was going to call someone he knew, someone that could help not only Brian but them as well. Kevin had been cooped up in the management’s room, lashing out some anger and discussing about what to do next. It was a little scary how easily Zach had been able to sneak in not only in the secured area behind the curtain but even in a private party. Security had to be tightened up but with everything going on and how tiny was the last straw of Brian’s control, it wouldn’t surprise Nick if they would decide to postpone the rest of the tour. It would sad and they would disappoint many fans but... their own security and health was much more important and that was a lesson they had learned in the hard way.
Still, Nick knew that he had to do something to help with the situation. Yeah, right... but what? He asked himself while looking around in the room and his laptop caught his attention. Bingo! He could try to find some info about that crazy sick man. They had a name and he knew his way in the web that he was sure he could probably find something.
He switched on his computer and got comfortable on the bed, retrieving from one of his suitcases his glasses. He opened an internet window and stared at the blank page, trying to find the right string of keywords.
If you don’t know what to search, try always with everything you have in hand.
What did he have? A name, a certain kind of behavior and a homicide. He could start with the last one, trying to find if there was some info that they didn’t know. He typed it and then waited for the results to appear in front of him: lots of link about the news, comment made by who knew the victim and some of the fans that saw him before Zach got him in the alley. Aside from scribbling down the name of the victim, Nick shuffled over because those links weren’t helpful. Pages after pages, nothing seemed to pop up and he was about to try again with a new word where a title of an old article caught his attention.
STILL NO LEADS IN THE “BSB’S ALIKE” MURDER.
After one year, there is still no name for the man who had killed Stephen Loughton, the 25 year old guy found dead in an alley of Orlando. Stephen had been missed for a month, having disappeared after he attended to a Backstreet Boys show. And it seemed like the boy band had a major part in the mystery since the victim held some similarities to one of the member and, news, it’s not the lady killer Nick Carter but the choir boy Brian Littrell.
That couldn’t be only a coincidence. Not at all. Two homicide and both victims were Brian’s double. The only difference was that this Stephen had been missed for a month and Nick didn’t want to know what had been done to him in that period. If it was Zach the abductor, and Nick was sure of it, it wouldn’t have been pleasant.
Nick had a feeling that Stephen hadn’t been the only one being killed. But he couldn’t find it alone. He grabbed his telephone and dialed a number. “Michael? I need your help for some research about our psychopath and some murders still unresolved.”