The bus had started running once again, after pulled over and wait for Brian to go on the other one.

 

Nick had watched Brian gathering really slowly his bag, wiping away furiously the tears that still lingered on his face. Then, without a word, he was gone and Nick had only sent a prayer that Aj could be able to do what he wasn’t able to do.

 

A thousand thoughts were spinning around his mind, running around the man he once loved and that now was so broken that he doubted that someone, even Aj, could put him back together.

 

The screams still lingered in his ears, shivers hadn’t stopped running up and down his spine since he had opened his eyes and saw Brian on the floor, curling up in a ball and trying to protect himself for something – or someone – that wasn’t there physically.

 

The realization had hit him like a strike but still he wouldn’t allow himself to make it real. Because that reality was far worse than all the scenarios he had come up with since Brian had broke up with him.

 

But the signs were there, so painful to see: the way Brian didn’t want to be touched, that hollow look in his eyes, those blue pools that now were only a slight shade of grey, mirroring a thunderstorm that was battling the insides and was searching a way to escape in the surface; the way he had isolated himself or how he was scared to be in a room around his friends.

 

Nick remembered that afternoon, how Brian had looked like a wounded animal, scared to be in a corner without any way out, while Kevin kept coming closer and closer. He could remember the look of pure terror as Brian watched Kevin trying to touch him, the same expression his face held as he tried, not so long ago, to comfort him.

 

There was only one answer to all those signs.

 

Guilt washed over him. God, why they had to fight that night?

 

If he didn’t lose control over his feelings, he could have convinced Brian to go with him and none of this would have happened. If he didn’t storm off like a spoiled child, maybe they would have talked about their relationship, maybe they would have given up the idea of going out and stayed in their room trying to make things right.

 

But all the if and maybe in the world couldn’t erase what had already happened.

 

Things like that couldn’t happen to people like them, especially people like Brian: Brian was the kind of guy always eager to help someone else, he still could remember all those nights when he had gone to him after a fight with his parents and he just let him crash at his house without protesting if it messed up his plans. Brian was the kind of guy that really enjoyed staying outside and chatting with the fans, even when he was dead tired.

 

Why things like that had to happen to good people?

 

But, in spite of everything, he couldn’t deny that breaking up had been the best thing to do. Maybe it was coward to think that he had been saved by that but, in reality, Nick knew that he would only had make things worse: he didn’t know how to take care of Brian when he was okay, how in the world he could have done it with a broken Brian?

 

And Brian... Brian knew this, Brian knew that staying together would have only ruined everything and he had decided to sacrifice something his love in order to protect their friendship.

 

Sweet unselfish Brian, always thinking about others before himself.

 

That was the reason why he had gone to Aj and asked him to look after Brian. First, because he knew that Aj loved Brian like him, maybe more than he was willing to admit to himself. And, second, because he knew he was the only who could really understand what Brian was going through and he wouldn’t let Brian collapse before asking to help.

 

But, no matter how much faith he could put in Aj, he needed to know everything. He needed to know why Brian had shrieked away from him, looking like he had sincerely thought that he could harm him in that way. He needed to know if he was okay, physical okay because he knew that mentally he was far away from being okay. He needed to know if he could help in any way possible, even lying in front of Kevin to just buy them more hours to sleep.

 

And there was only one person who could know the truth and it was the same person Brian had run to.

 

Although everything went wrong for them as boyfriends, Brian was still his best friend. And he would be damned if he let him all alone – well, not properly alone since Aj was staying by his side – in a situation like that.

 

So, before the courage would leave him, Nick picked up his phone and called Aj.

 

***********************

 

The phone vibrated on the table, making an odd rumor that didn’t wake up anyone.

 

Aj wondered if they would be able to get a decent amount of sleep to work properly the day after, although his main concern was the man curled up in his arms, dozing off after the last nightmare.

 

He didn’t know how much time had passed from the moment Brian had appeared on his bus, asking him to stay because he couldn’t sleep. He did know that half of that unknown time had passed between trying to wake up Brian before he could jerked away and fell from the bed and trying to soothe him back to sleep.

 

So far, luck hadn’t been on their side and he was wondering if he could get his driver to stop at the first pharmacy and buy some sleeping pills. It was clear that Brian was beyond being plain exhausted but still he couldn’t fall in that deep sleep, where dreams were too hard to make and where nightmares and shadows stayed far away, too tired to come out and haunt.

 

That was why, when the phone started to ring silently, Aj could extract himself and leave Brian wrapped up his blanket, hoping to not take too much time to ease Nick’s worry.

 

Only him could, in fact, call him at that hour.

 

“He’s here and he’s sleeping. Sort of.” He just said when he picked up the call.

 

“But he is okay, right? He didn’t have any nightmares?”

 

“Nick, it’s a kinda an illusion wishing that he didn’t have any nightmares.”

 

“I know. – Nick answered with a tired voice. – I... Aj, I need some answers.”

 

“I can’t tell you, Nick. Don’t make me break a promise.”

 

“Jay, I kinda figured it out what happened. I mean, he doesn’t want to be touched, that scream that I think I will not forget any time soon and the way he ran away from me. So, you don’t have to tell me that someone had attacked him.”

 

Silence fell between them, so deep that he could almost picture it. Biting his lips, Aj debated how much he could give away without admitting out loud what had happened. Yes, Brian was sleeping in that moment, but who knew how deep? A crying fit right now wasn’t what he needed.

 

Still, Aj knew that Nick deserved some kind of explanation.

 

“I want to know how much he was hurt.” Nick repeated.

 

“Bad. Not in the outside. I think you can figure it out.”

 

“Oh my God...” Nick moaned in the phone and Aj could imaging the young man starting pacing in the bus and kicking everything he came across with.

 

“I’m sorry, I should have gone with him in the bathroom but...  I didn’t know that someone was following him!”

 

“Shit, Jay, no! If it’s someone’s fault, it should been mine. I shouldn’t have fought with him.”

 

“Well, that too. – Aj admitted. – Truth is that it’s no one’s fault but that bastard’s.”

 

“You saw him?”

 

“Briefly. He looked a lot like you. I think that it’s the reason why Brian panicked so much with you.”

 

“Damn.”

 

“Nick, he knows that you won’t ever hurt him that way. You know that, right?”

 

“Yes, I know but... – Nick let out a shaky breath. That was too much to handle over the phone. Tight now he had to think about Brian, the rest he could deal later. – I think it’s better if Brian stays with you.”

 

“Yes. It’s the best.” Aj answered before watching over the man still laying inside his bunk. He was sleeping but his forehead was still frowned and every little then and now a soft whimper left his lips, a murmur or a plea to be left alone. He closed off the curtain and then walked in the living room, sitting over the couch.

 

“How is he holding up?”

 

“He... He’s Brian. He’s trying to be strong because he doesn’t want to worry anyone but... it’s killing him. We’re making small steps but with all the concerts and things like that... it’s hard to just stop him and let him vent out.”

 

“And since he doesn’t want anyone to know, we can’t ask to cancel some of the shows.”

 

“Yeah, exactly. And it’s something we can’t force him to do. It has to be his choice whether or not to inform the others.”

 

“What we can do?”

 

“I wish I know. Right now? He needs to sleep. But...”

 

“But what?”

 

“It’s just that... – Aj rubbed his temples, thinking about a way to solve the problem. He knew he couldn’t erase Brian’s memory, no matter how hard he wished he could, so he just had to find the key to put Brian to rest. Just like he had told Brian yesterday, focus on little and practical things. And the fact that he could speak to Nick about it, now that he knew and he didn’t want to run away, he felt like a weight had been lifted up from his shoulder. Together, him and Nick could really help Brian. -  He’s exhausted and he needs rest but he kept waking up because of the nightmares. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

 

Just as he was getting to check on Brian, he heard the click of the bathroom’s door, a sign that he had wake up another time. Well, at least this time he hadn’t screamed.

 

“Try with warm milk and some cookies.”

 

The suggestion took Aj by surprised. “You mean with a hidden sedative?”

 

“No, no! – Nick replied with a laugh. – Just warm milk, maybe a little of chocolate. I let Brian tell you the story behind.”

 

“You and Brian are weird, you know?”

 

“Look who is talking, king of weirds!”

 

“At least, I know that and I’m proud!”

 

With the corner of his eyes, Aj noticed Brian standing on the doorway, his arms wrapped around his waist and his head resting against the doorframe. “I’ll call you later, okay?”

 

“Let me know if you need anything. – Nick’s voice broke a little. – Tell Brian that I love him, okay?”

 

“Sure. Bye and thanks.”

 

Aj put down the phone and waited until Brian walked over the sofa. “He’s angry, isn’t he?” he only asked while sitting down slowly.

 

“No, sweety. He was worried. He’s worried.”

 

For a moment, Aj battled himself whether to let Brian know about Nick.

 

“You told him?” the question was asked in a little voice, like a child asking his mom when and if dad will be back that night.

 

“I didn’t. He put the pieces together. But he isn’t angry at you or disgusted. Most of all he wants to be here with you.”

 

“Why? I left him! He doesn’t have to pity me!”

 

“Brian, do you honestly think that pity is what Nick is feeling for you in this moment? You know him, you know him better than everyone else.”

 

As instincts, Brian found Aj’s hand and latched their fingers together. It seemed so natural that most of the trembles he felt the first time has vanished. “No.” he whispered.

 

Aj squeezed a little that tangle, relief sweeping through his veins seeing that Brian was feeling more and more comfortable with touching, if only a hand.

 

Baby steps, he had to remind himself.

 

“Why don’t you go back to sleep? It’s not even morning, in fact, I’m pretty sure it’s still night.”

 

“Half past four. - Replied Brian, pushing himself back and resting his back on the back of the couch. - I checked the clock while going to the bathroom.”

 

“See? Night time!”

 

“I don’t want to. Every time I try to sleep, I keep having nightmares. I’m... I’m afraid. But I’m tired and it’s worse cause if I’m totally exhausted then I just have to relive everything without any power to stop the images.”

 

Aj knew he had to distract Brian, just for a little while to let him forget why he was still up at that hour, even if it was only for a minute.

 

“Nick told me about a warm milk and cookies.”

 

“He did?” Brian asked surprised.

 

“Do you want it?”

 

Instead of answering, Brian started to get up but Aj pushed him back gently. “No, no, sir. You’re my guest so I’m the one who’s gonna get the milk for you.”

 

“But...”

 

“No, no! No buts, no sorry. Just lay back and close your eyes. Relax. I’ve got you.”

 

Brian bite back his reply and, for once, he just did what he had been told: he stretched up on the couch, not really taking all the space since it was so big, and then just laid his head on the cushions, closing his eyes without really falling asleep.

 

He didn’t know how long it passed from the moment he laid to the moment he felt Aj’s presence beside him: it could have been minutes or hours and, for the first time, it didn’t really matter. He felt calm, relaxed, and that because he knew that Aj was there for him, taking care of everything and, most important, he was sure nothing could happen to him as long as the other guy would stayed there with him.

 

Safe.

 

It was just one word, a small word, but it meant so much for him: it meant that he could let go of the fear that haunted him every hour and every minute, those cold fingers that grabbed him in a tight grasp and made so difficult to breath. Not of that happened when Aj was there, not only physically near him, but just his mere presence in the room. Yes, neither him was able to keep away those horrible images but they weren’t so terrifying when he wake up and found himself in Aj’s embrace. Every time he did, hands were there caressing his arms, soothing him back to sleep; words full of comfort and plain love made a soft lullaby that rocked him, a blanket that he wasn’t too proud to accept.   

 

“Thanks.” He only whispered, knowing that Aj could hear him.

 

“For the milk? I know I’m not good in the kitchen but warming milk doesn’t required much skills.” Aj replied and Brian could easily picture that warm smile that was on his face behind his closed eyes.

 

“Not only for that. For everything.”

 

“Thank me when you’ll feel better.”

 

“Will I be? – Brian couldn’t help to ask. – Will be there a day when I won’t feeling like I’m crawling off my skin? Will I be able to sleep without being forced to revive everything?”

 

The question blocked Aj’s reply on his tongue. Although he wanted to say that yes, he would be okay, he would be back to his normal self, Aj didn’t want to deceive him. Brian was lookin up at him because, even if things were literally different, he had been in his place, being pushed down on the ground and left to pick up the pieces. “Recovery isn’t set on stones, Brian. Some get better quickly, some have to struggle all their life to find a sense of normal. Someday, I feel like my old self, joking around and smile and really enjoy my work. And some day I wake up and all I can think is that I need a drink, anything to just get up from the bed. Days when I want to hide because I fear that everyone could see how bad my hands are trembling or the real reason why I wear sunglasses inside a room. But each day that I win my fight it makes me stronger.”

 

A small smile perked up upon Brian’s face as he thoughts how easily him and Aj could just talk about stupid things and then shares those little hints about their souls. Not only that, but the honesty about how difficult it would be and not those formalities about one’s strength.

 

“So... Nick told me to ask you about the story behind the milk.” Aj changed the subject, wanting nothing more to keep seeing that smile on his face, even if it was a pale shadow of the one Brian was known for.

 

Brian opened his eyes, propping himself up to get the glass of milk. “Oh, it’s a long story.”

 

“Well, if you don’t want to go back to sleep, I say that we have all the time.”

 

“Okay, okay. See... when I was little and just out of the hospital, I was still a little weak and prone to get sick with every virus possible. So I was stuck most of the time up in my room, something that I have always hated it. I remember Kevin coming often to visit and I would practically begged him to take me out just for a single minute. One day I totally lost it, I screamed and cried for hours because I was sick and tired of being sick and mom just let me and, when I finished, she just wiped away the tears and brought me in the kitchen, warmed some milk with chocolate and we just talked. Over the years, it became a ritual for us. Whenever I had a problem or too much to think of, I would ask my mom a glass of milk and she would understood that I needed a break or only a ear to vent things off. – Brian took a sip from his mug before starting to talk again. – Remember our first trip to Germany?”

 

Aj nodded, how could he forgot those times?

 

“Me and Nick roomed together. Nick had tried to play cool all day long about being on his own for the first time but as night got closer, he was sadder and sadder and I didn’t know how to cheer him up. He was missing his parents but he didn’t want to say out loud in fear of being saw as a little child. And, truth was, I was nostalgic too. So I remembered what my mom did to make me feel better. Aside that we were in a foreign country and we didn’t know a word of Dutch.”

 

“Oh gosh, why have I the feeling that is going to be something ridiculous?”

 

“Because it’s! – Brian grinned as he remembered that night. – I tried with the phone but, apart from a hello, I couldn’t understand a single word the lady told me. So I went down to the receptionist, asking if she spoke or at least understand English but, of course, she didn’t. I took a paper, a pencil and together me and Nick draw a glass of milk and cookies and when the lady finally got what we wanted, she looked at us and said: milch? And then just laughed at us while getting our order.”

 

Aj frowned. “Why we didn’t know anything about this?”

 

“Cause me and Nick kept it as one of our many secrets. – Brian took another sip of the milk, feeling its warmth starting to spread among its blood. – When we got together, we used that whenever we got in a fight. It was our way to say <<I’m sorry, let’s make peace>>.”

 

Brian looked away, towards the window that reflected the dark sky with only few stars. “It’s not fair.” His voice cracked but this time there wasn’t only pain in his tone: there was anger and rage. Maybe he and Nick weren’t meant to be together but why he had to break up over something he didn’t have control? Someone else took the decision for him and that wasn’t freaking fair.

 

Tears started to stream down his face but he didn’t bother to wipe them away. Where was the point when he knew that soon others tears would follow. No one was going to judge him for breaking down, especially not Aj.

 

Soon, he found himself wrapped up in a tight hug, hands caressing his back and Aj’s voice whispering him to let it go.

 

And he did. Hiding his face inside the croak of Aj’s neck, he let himself break down, knowing that Aj would be there to pick up the broken pieces.

 

If there were any left.

 

**********************

 

Brian, Aj and Nick weren’t the only ones still awake at that hour of the night.

 

And Nick hadn’t been the only one worrying and questioning what was wrong with Brian.

 

In the last bus, Kevin was sitting at the table, his laptop open and running spread over the room a bluish light. He was wandering around sites and sites, trying to find an answer to all his questions about the strange behavior kept by Brian: he wasn’t his normal self if he isolated himself for days and then, when he finally emerged from the shadows, he tried to avoid every contact, physical or just a simple talk.

 

Brian lived for the contact, that was his best way to express feelings and emotions when words couldn’t fully define them: a hand on the shoulder, a hug for no apparent reason. Seeing him almost running away at the mere thought, that was something so unbelievable and so worrying.

 

“Found something?”

 

Howie sit down on the opposite site before passing over a cup of coffee. He had tried to call Aj but the first time, he was asleep so he didn’t answered and the second the line was busy, which was a little strange since it was like four in the morning.

 

His friend was the only one who would give some hints about what the hell had happened to Brian, although Howie was so sure that he wouldn’t betray Brian’s trust if Brian asked him to keep it a secret.

 

“Nothing. Or, better said, I can erase the possibility that he’s sick. Although he looks like he’s.”

 

“Maybe he’s just sad about breaking up with Nick?”

 

Kevin raised up his face from the monitor. “I talked with Nick. Brian is the one calling off everything, saying that Nick would be better without him.”

 

“So... he left Nick despite still loving him?”

 

“Totally something Brian would do.”

 

“But why? He was the best thing for Nick!”

 

“If he think that breaking up was the only way to protect Nick. The question if protecting from what.”

 

“Or from who.”

 

Kevin gave up searching on internet when he didn’t know exactly what to search. Closing the computer, he took his cup of coffee. “When was the last time you saw Brian?”

 

“The other night. Nick had dinner with Aaron and Brian tagged along with me and Aj.”

 

“Have you noticed something different?”

 

“He talked mostly with Aj. – Howie stopped abruptly as he recalled that yes, something happened. – He went to the bathroom and stayed like for forever. Aj went to get him while I waited in the car and... when they got back, something was off. Brian was leaning against Aj and had this look on his face. I can’t quite explain if not using… fear. He looked like he was in pain so I just shrugged it off like he had been sick.”

 

“Why should be Brian afraid?”

 

Howie didn’t want to answer. He had grown up among women and he knew why someone was afraid and, thinking with that perspective, every misplaced pieces found its place: the fear, the way Brian held himself while he was with them, how he got frightened when Kevin cornered him. Gosh! Why he didn’t think about it earlier?

 

“If you see a girl walking out a public restroom looking distraught, in fear, trembling. What do you think has happened?”

 

“Well, probably some guys ass... – Kevin risked to choke with his own tongue as the words started to form in his mind. – You can’t think that!”

 

“I don’t want to think but it’s the only explanation possible! That’s why he broke up with Nick and that’s why he had been closed off in his room.”

 

Worry filled every limbs in Kevin. No, Howie had to be mistaken, a terrible thing like that couldn’t happen to Brian, he didn’t deserved something so destructive. But, even if he didn’t want, even if it hurt to think that way, Howie was right: the brokenness in Brian’s eyes was speaking a story terrible, was telling everyone to stop and help him, even if the words couldn’t get out from his lips.

 

“Gosh... oh God.” Only those words Kevin spoke before shoving down his own pain and started thinking practical.

 

“Don’t. – Howie warned pulling out Kevin from his mind. – Let Brian deal with this. He doesn’t want us to know and we have to respect it.”

 

Kevin looked at him like he had grown two heads. What the hell he was saying? How could he leave Brian all alone knowing what he knew? It was his duty to protect Brian and, since he had already failed in first place, he had to help him! What was wrong with that?

 

“I don’t like it but you can’t keep this decision from him. He already lost everything, let him decide when and if he wants to tell us.”

 

“But we can’t leave him alone! I can’t! I let him down once, I’m not doing that again!”  Kevin shouted, getting up and starting pacing on the aisle.

 

Howie knew what Kevin was referring to, the one time that each of them wanted to go back in time and changed it. They were young and naïve, letting other people decide what was the best and to pursue their dream, they left one of their brothers all alone while fighting for his life.

 

“We won’t get to that point. If worse come, we’ll step in. But I know that Brian, right now, isn’t alone. Aj knew and has been with him all the time. He won’t let anything bad happen to Brian.”

 

Kevin sighed as he finally stopped pacing and sat down once again. “I may not say a lot of times but I trust Aj. Especially this Aj.”

 

“He grown up so much since he left the rehab.”

 

“I know. I know. It’s... it’s just that Brian is stubborn, too much, when he thinks he can deal with something.”

 

“Well, if there is someone else as stubborn as him, I bet it’s Aj. He won’t leave Brian even if he kicked out of his room.”

 

“That would be funny to see.”

 

“That would be normal. – Howie replied. – And I fear that normal isn’t something we’ll get for a long time.”

 

“Guess you’re right. – Kevin agreed. – But... now that we know, how... I don’t how to treat Brian. All I want is to take him away, somewhere he can feel safe to just heal and let me deal with everything.”

 

“Treat him like he’s the same old Brian. Use common sense: don’t touch him if he doesn’t start the act. Don’t corner him or shout or scream. – Howie tilted his head, his chin resting on the back of his hand. – That’s what I can think of. But... I’ll talk with Aj and see what we can do or not.”

 

Kevin opened up once again his laptop.

 

“What are you doing?” Howie asked, a frown of confusion appearing on his forehead.

 

“Well, no one can keep me from trying to find that bastard.”

 

And Howie couldn’t agree more.